judge jules was at Avalon and sven vath was supposed to go on but????????? I never saw him. I have literally no voice now as I went out with a cold and sore throat, taking benedryl, which put me in a weird state like numb. It was a great night regardless as my younger sister went with me and my friend. I stayed til around 5:30 but I don't know what happened to sven.....really bizarre. Then there were all these guys trying to get laid who would grab my friends and me. THis one was literally clinging to my sister and she was desperately trying to get rid of him. I don't know if they're looking for hookers or just think that a girl in a club is going to drop everything and start screwing him after knowing him for 12 seconds. THis one guy was all over me and I finally told him I'm engaged. I pointed to the DJ and said that's my fiance right there and he said, well, if we go to this part of the room he won't see us. There's still a part of me that does want to be attractive and attract men but not like this. ANyone who is going to try to fuck someone after knowing them for less than a minute is seriously screwed up.....maybe there are exceptions, but mostly we're talking about issues here. This other guy was clinging to me when my friend found me, and I said, tell him I'm engaged, but I heard her telling him I'm gay.......she heard me wrong. Next time I go out I think I'll wear a skimpier outfit as my sister and friend were in minis and tank tops but......I like the idea that I can just be in my bra if I want to...there's something really freeing about that. But the other side of that is guys who think I, or any woman dressed that way, is loose and easy. I'd be lying if I said I haven't done crazy things or fooled around with guys without formal courtship. Well.....gulp, yeah I've done that. I'm not particularly proud of it but I'm not ashamed, either.
I know I have many wants: to perform, to play certain roles, to be in more films...and I miss deeply performing, but I have to live as well and earn money, really don't have a choice.....but I also want to see the world and I'm obsessed....so if I work a regular job I won't have the freedom to do these things but my only other option is forsaking security and having freedom and flexibilty or taking a low status job that will free me up....blah blah blah.....and I've been told follow your bliss and it'll all work out which is true somewhat but not that simple yet if I only follow necessity it will eat me alive. It's threatening to already.....and it should have been so different and so much better.....this was nowhere near enough....a start, yes, but not even close to being what I need. I want to just go everywhere but I don't want to lose my apartment here or cats and it seems....well I need security. I honestly don't know how to do both, but I have to. It can't be one or another, intuition vs. rationality......I always followed intuition.....but you need the other thing, too, or else it will be chaos. I always feel during the day I have to be "doing something" I guess that's left over from my upbringing....I should be working, I have to make a living, and I do....and get my head out of the clouds, but there's the other side of me that wants to be a free spirit and just, well, all over the place. There's a way to do this, I know. I just don't know which step to take next. YOu hear about how back in the days men's wives would work to support them while the men found themselves and developed their careers. I need someone to work and support me while I find myself.....but that's the catch. Who'll do it? I need someone, a guy, to live with me as a boyfriend or whatever and help with the cleaning and garden and maintenance not to mention the rent. My place won't work for roommates. Yeah, you......are you listening? You want to live in NYC that bad, so move in with me. You, me and West and Punzy.
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