Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Friday, July 25, 2014
Sylvia Plath in her confessional poetry linked "personal to political" her private issues linked to the chain of global events then the bomb, WWII; in physics everything that happens creates a shock wave that travels and affects everything else. My personal drama me just one person and I have problems but I certainly do have it good compared to some.....but "relevant to the larger things" past and present; the Inquisition, the Kennedy assassination, ....."corrupt and tainted with a thousand vices" .....you don't know until you put it down then in retrospect.....I was reading about brain hemorrhages and was wondering if I was having one but I hope not.....or if I'd ever had a concussion. How would I know?
From what I've been told, most likely this person is part of something larger, ugly and deadly. Certainly not anyone to effect any kind of pious attitude it'd be one thing if they were. St Catherine took on some ten or eleven judges Jim Garrison something similar. No, real friends do not do this to people. Such can only come from an ugly and sick human being
The truth hurts and can get one killed. It hurts to write it though it nearly killed me at times. I never claimed to be perfect however let me clarify. I do NOT like writing about times when I am hurt by someone. I try every avenue of doubt. There's unintentional and there is intentional. Unintentional is painful but forgivable. I did not want to know not want to believe and maybe could have should have gone on being blissfully ignorant except that this person took some kind of pious tone in, without my knowledge, trying to cause a rift between me and someone and trying to effect something that would have caused me a world of hurt......and who is she to do that? My instincts and what I know tells me this person is at best unreliable in giving advice on anything or in making moral aspersions on another. I want more than anything peace. This is a matter close to my heart and this involves real people and others who would have been badly damaged by her and her intentions seem purely malicious. This is not helping anybody. This person acts out of hate and delusion. It is not love. Love does not, I don't care what anyone says, break up friendships or families real love doesn't. It is not an act of unprovoked cruelty to a person who never did anything to you. On shaky ground such as this nothing good can come and anyone with such intentions is nit to be trusted.
Of warmth and support for which I am thankful but sadly this other thing came at me with the force of a jet. And it is ugly. I try so hard to get away from this and I can only say to the self living in jersey city that girl was an innocent or rather.....I am sorry wholly for any hurt I caused. But unlike those I just wrote about, I NEVER hurt anyone intentionally, ever. I can say that much for myself. I wish I could let some people off the hook to their credit they did a lot of good I hope just hope that this.....does not reveal something darker about them as I believed in this person. And I am holding back because I doubt this Person x knows everything. After what happened with Justin and how he betrayed my faith and trust with Leila among others.....not to mention what I went through .....in the past and I can't say I'm proud of all I've done I feel sad and guilty as well. But this.....is the ugly adversary. That which I have no control over.....
True friends reveal themselves in the darkest times. So do enemies. There is a saying that there is a special place in hell for women who hurt women, particularly going......behind a person's back who has done nothing to you and causing hurt pain in their life for no good reason and you know you judge a person by their own conduct which speaks for itself. That kind of .....what words? It has come to my understanding that there is a woman out there doing this to me. Mind you I have never met her. But.....a tarot reading revealed this to me. She is trying to influence a friend of mine to hurt me and break us apart. Needless to say she kmows nothing about me and I have done nothing to her. So this is.....people who, and believe me I know what I am talking about.....do things to cause pain and loss in the lives of your friends are not friends! Such behaviour is utterly monstrous and indefensible. But heaven help me..........years ago Ted did such things......willfully and intentionally breaking up friendships relationships encouraging backstabbing and betrayal. Nothing good will come of it. "You can rely on the old man's money" thank you D you're fabulous! Thanks for the birthday wishes to those who did I really love you guys!
Monday, July 21, 2014
Four days rather. Spent early today watching youtube videos. I'm pretty shaken up and some of it is scary but it's starting to make sense. I merely comment on what I see is all.
A lot that I can't explain but.....
No it doesn't make sense. In your face display of.....
For these little pockets of space I can call my own I am so grateful. Betrayal and back stabbing of the worst kind, by someone I was led to believe although the way along I had my doubts I suppose. I can't accept or believe that people are just stupid I mean of course that would be so flattering to me.....
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
And too long. Inwood is lovely but.......so much took place that shouldn't have and I was made to suffer in ways I shouldn't have. Period. But here I am a year later back on Planet Earth and still breathing. Three months ago I removed a 200 or 250 lb tumor from my life up in Riverdale. Live and learn, right? The rain is warm and pretty, like tropical. I got a copy of the French film La Ceremonie very brilliant and stylish but disturbing. I am also really getting into the Lifetime film on Amanda Knox it's just..... . I don't know......beautifully shot. I am pretty worn out from heavy activity yesterday but it's not over.....took a little break though. I watched a film with my mom last night also French Mozarts Sister this one is WEIRD the Mozart kid is creepy like the Omen kid and the scene with him playing the organ had me screaming nearly. I learned a hard lesson in one year I don't ever.....WON'T ever go through that again. Reunited and no it ain't happening. Al was right. Anyway.....yeah. Thinking of the comment James Woods once made he made a few very crude but hilarious, and true. Can't wait to go to the beach. You know a person by how they act toward you in bad as well as fair weather or any weather for that matter. In the end if you're an asshole to people you end up with no one except the mirror ha I don't envy that.....