oh lovelies

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Got a phone

After a month or so.....horrendous. BUT thanks to some help from Mom and Chris and there being a radio shack in Bklyn I got it. I have been through a tornado.....moving on

Thursday, April 23, 2015

so darling, I so love the kitties)


Lioness felt compassion for the baby baboon so took him back to his family......

back.....I wrote

a lot of stuff by hand but somehow have to translate to type. I was feeling a little under the weather but am back, sort of. everything now is a big mess and chaos so trying to sift through it. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, April 19, 2015

On Travis

I just read a letter he allegedly wrote about …..eh. Some stuff he did that was less than stellar. He's admitting his guilt. Not excusing what he did but you know personally I'm sorry for what happened to him people like him are usually victims of abuse and desperately need help. I don't think he deserved to die. 

The whole catch-22 of this trial is …..the maneuvering of the system trial after trial, appeal after appeal…..who are we to criticize another country's fucked up legal system when, look at ours. Honestly, I don't like to say this, I'm not a lawyer but from what I've read and do know so much of this trial WAS ILLEGAL to begin with so how do you appeal point by point…..what went wrong about this case happened largely off the books. Jury tampering is a crime. Evidence tampering and withholding too. Juan Martinez stepped out of line by abusing and threatening the defendant and any witnesses for her. Even if the girl was guilty as Cain, even if she DID premeditate and kill in cold blood, and I believe in my heart of hearts she did not, but even if she did…..she was under mental duress (temporary insanity) and prior to this had no record of violence. I don't believe she did it. She is not a danger to anyone, any more. She has done her time. If it were up to me I'd let her out and that would be that; sadly, it's not up to me. 


According to Judge Dickhead Wherever, I'm not a journalist. Well, that's his opinion. 

I have no doubt in my mind, nor have I ever, that I CAN be but it's a lot of work and I'm struggling to keep up with my todo list as it is.  Maybe because anyone can blog or no one is paying me. Like the Cyndi Lauper song Money Changes Everything. I write only because something in me cannot not. I was advised always get it down get it down however you can. I SHOULD eventually get paid because I know I'm as good if not better than so many who are working for magazines and the Daily News …..I know absolutely there are many credible reporters out there with 100 percent intention of giving news to the public and telling the truth; and they do. 
However, sigh. I've read a lot of articles in more tabloid-like papers and magazines (Glamour) that are maybe half true, half basically fabricated. Not basically, are. Not to mention one reporter for a major paper who thought Detroit is in Minnesota, or some insane thing? Geography expertise I guess is not a requirement. No one is perfect I know. So my point…..I started this site because to tell my story it was what was in front of me: a computer and google and my ability to write. I was advised to record it and just write and write (I read that bit from Joyce Carol Oates) and who can tell it better than me? 


Saturday, April 18, 2015


I sprained my left knee again on the stairs and was pretty hysterical.....people tried to approach me but I admit I screamed at them to get away. Just I was in panic mode, but I feel really bad about it now. Through Times Square up and down stairs and all over the city with this blinding pain this time my left knee; two years ago it'd been my right. Once I got to my friend's house he gave me ice and water, I swallowed four Advils and eventually the swelling went down. I know I can go to the ER and have insurance but for what? I sat there last time for five hours only to be told I sprained it and given a Tylenol. Now it's sore but I can walk. Being inactive does not sit well with me. I also slept for.....I stopped counting the hours. The weather is getting nicer and the trees are blooming sounds corny but this is such an improvement from the past few weeks, months which were just gloomy and .....so many things happening around the world that are so tragic and awful. A few people had showed up to where I live and were staying there for a while who caused a litany of problems and it's taken me this long to clean up the mess they left. They caused major problems in my life and in my friends'. Also I saw the name (twice) of someone who has hurt me in the past, very maliciously and deliberately. I have to gather myself somehow......

Thursday, April 16, 2015

things one takes for granted

It is easy to focus on the things we want and don't have but reading a little on the law of attraction it does make me realize, and be thankful for so many things. Especially during these treacherous two months I mean maybe it's bad planets or something I don't know but there's been so much .....
but I realize there are so many things I have that are easy to take for granted: I read about people dying and obviously I have life, health, hope and my IDs and friends and school and Internet and what I went through made me realize what I have. Seems every year I go through some form of this and so much these past couple months could have killed me plus coming under the radar of a few people who are not nice, period, not well-intentioned. It's one thing to be resentful, another to actively try to hurt, completely unprovoked, someone you don't know and who never did anything to you. How.....just so much ugliness and horror. The building collapse in the East Village, the plane crash, that girl getting raped on the beach with 300 onlookers. That speaks for itself. I helped out two women who were victims of domestic violence, I've stepped between couples where the man was going to attack the woman, I've had to call cops a few times in different places. This kind of thing enrages me. There's no excuse for not doing anything, for not helping. But I'll leave that alone for now. This is why I don't go to these places this isn't the first incident like this.

stuff on the subway

I saw a poster of a man in a flannel shirt, one of those ads. Above this someone drew, with a pen, one of those triangles with an eye in it. ????? huh????? the #1. Oh, yes. Now, standing right in front of this poster was a man, in almost the same flannel shirt, with a beard like the man in the ad. Insane, huh? More cryptic graffiti. Someone drew an eye over the foreheads of these people in a poster. I found on the subway coming from Brighton Beach this flyer thing for a site called Godsarise I think it was. Someone trying something, but for what? For whom?

Wednesday, April 15, 2015


Spanish for "to edit" since I'm learning: editar

Can't .....call it ADD OCD what have you: can't think about anything but this sequence of seemingly  unrelated stuff......all to form a narrative but of what? Well WTF cares......it is what it is.

Monday, April 13, 2015

what I wrote on the subway over NYTM article on Toni Morrison with a pink marker

(Not this this is Roxette again)
"Hit the road out of nowhere/I had to jump in my car/and be a rider in the love game /following the stars"

This is what I wrote:

If we are equal how does this young man have power to change my fate and bend gravity and whatever else the stars and planets do to.....is it because he always had it or that I gave it to him? .....the million dollar question n'est-ce pas? No one knows the answer to that. To me I don't feel privileged or blessed though in so many ways I am. Yes I have to remember. But what a burden it is sometimes! If I sucked I could just toss in the towel. But don't so I can't. 

This is from the NYT article on Toni Morrison (I have read a couple of her books: Song of Solomon and Bluest Eye, I believe. 

Charles Dickens on Lorain, OH (I was born in Columbus) "I should think there is not, on the face of the earth, a people so destitute of humor, vivacity or the capacity of enjoyment." Maybe because I am from Columbus, not Loraine (Alsace Lorraine in France is where Jeanne d'Arc is from) but this is not how I recall Ohio or the Midwest. It's not that....it IS like Fargo: people are typically chatty, smiley and love to make small talk including at the corner store and the cash register. But .....maybe things changed since 1842. Dickens himself may have met my great great grandparents, or some relation from the past of mine, as some of my family settled there initially from Germany.  I also read his book when I was in London.....More on him another time.

Sandusky OH (for your next Trivial Pursuit game if this q comes up) is where Sugar Kane is from, the MM character from Some Like it Hot.

Can barely stand, barely walk, but I will run. 

Thought it was all settled and that () was the one when fate intervened.....could have happened anywhere but it happened here at [exact address redacted but not the name, not yet] Brighton Beach, Brooklyn, NY, USA, EARTH in the form of a young man named Brett. You know the story: you somewhere and in walks a young man and......there was a snag in way to.....to.....all was not what she'd imagined or thought.

Toni Morrison published an essay: "Rootedness: The Ancestor as Foundation" 
[the novel] "Has always functioned for the class or the group that wrote it.....[AA-based literature accomplished] "certain very strong functions" now that "we don't live in places where we can hear these stories anymore."

trains and clothes

"Don't need no fortune teller/to know where my lucky love belongs" Song Joyride by Roxette 

Thank you.......)
  This cake looks like.....some years ago I wedding I was at, or in rather......um......beautiful until a girl walked through a glass door and was bleeding all over the floor. She was saved, literally, by one of the guests who happened to be nurse who applied a makeshift tourniquet til the ambulance arrived. Glass house! For a wedding reception! The procession prior to, which I was part of, was very poignant and moving, ceremonial and religious. This was a relatively old Episcopal church in Evanston made of white stones, near where we used to live. That wasn't my first wedding that one before I was.....maybe seven, not sure. I think it was in Ohio. A friend, a boy a couple years older than me, was I think trying to drink the vodka. Maybe that's what spurred me some years later to where I am......B. Brighton Beach......


was du heu·te kannst be·sor·gen, das ver·schie·be nicht auf mor·gen

stitch in time saves nine

left knee sprain

I slept well, for the most part. While walking, as I'd run the day before, yesterday going up or down some stairs suddenly a sharp terrible pain this time in my left knee so bad I cried out. This happened while I was meeting a friend at a coffee shop. I was able to more or less walk but woke up with my knee stiff and barely able to stand. Now, a few hours later, I can walk but my left leg is still stiff. I can't .....stand to be idle. I was used to running an hour a day. I simply won't. I can go to the ER but the last time I sat there for five hours only to be told I'd sprained it and given a tylenol. I tell myself (I bought a bottle of Advils) I can read all the stuff I have with me, Vanity Fair, the book Twilight (which I'd found in Carroll Gardens)yes I'll be OK as I am a chronic worrier. But the chairs are uncomfortable so if my friend does not get back to me or if he does really I'm looking forward to re-joining the living because what else can I do?

Sunday, April 12, 2015


we are all psychic and know things without their being told. all this though is not always clearly defined maybe in fragments that haven't come together leaving you to scramble to understand their meaning. At least for me. I do see signs everywhere I wish.....on license plates billboards stickers on the computer in front of me ......
art is essential and always has been and all life ......how do I say? natural inclination is to make a formation of something new out of the dust surrounding them. to bring to life...... maybe sounds corny but true. without it around us where'd we be? it's everything. 

Loopy Laura 
Somewhere in NYC
(that last I was inspired by Joyce Carol Oates)

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Jodi Arias Interrogation Tape. Part 1

8/25 That date is not a happy one for me. I'm so moved by this……All I can say is …..I have been all over the place on the subject of guilt/innocence in people. I've seen people do stuff with my own eyes and lie about it later but I've seen instances like this where…..I have to take into account I wasn't there to see it so I can't say absolutely they did not do this. An article I read on false confessions said the phenomenon is you simply cannot really tell the difference between a genuine and forced one. If not forced at least so much pressure is put on someone if you've ever been in a situation ( I have til you break but that does not mean anything it just means under the circumstances being desperate to get out of a situation you say what you don't mean.) But…..there's more to this. Like I said I don't know these people I wasn't there…..all I know is what I have seen and read. oh yes and how during an interrogation they will …..well lie. So much duress that emotionally a person is vulnerable but what does that say? 

Jodi Arias: Not who you think she is (if you think she is a lying sociopath murderess)



The real Ms. Arias and the truth about this case and not the sensationalism flaunted in your face on TV. OK, to their credit, much of the mainstream media has given her a chance to speak her side. But there are so many lies and distortions about her and what happened with Travis. It's a sad thing that there is so much injustice in America, in any place. It's a real struggle to get the truth out there. But one can start on these sites. I have faith, very strong, in her. 

RAW: Jodi Arias full interview footage

Meth Bunny?

The way contraband could be smuggled it does get creative…..

Easter Bunny

this is insane! $30,000! 

question is always where does it all go once it's seized…..?

in Paris

I haven't written much about places I traveled as I had handwritten a lot of stuff but realize I never published it. Here's a summary of what happened when I was in Paris as I used to take a lot of weekend   trips ……back to London, Berlin, Hamburg…..hm. Well anyway this is some of what I experienced.

Last time I went I ended up at midnight at my hotel which was shuttered, leaving me …..at night somewhere on the main road…..to find a place to stay in a huge hurry. The cab driver eventually took me to a place where I told the man there, I believe he was African, not sure, in jagged French my situation. Turned out he spoke English but was impressed with my French…..so I ended up in what was I suppose a hostel but fortunately had the room to myself. It was like four bunk beds…..in the hallway was a candy machine with a broken window and outside…..a huge gang of guys as a female walking into this I don't know if it would have been worse if I was male, or not as bad…..but I was grabbed walking in. They were extremely aggressive rarely does it go this far where I'm from. I got into the hotel and there was nothing to do once I was in. Fell asleep to wake up the next morning walking--Oh not without another of these men pouncing on me as I made my way out of the hotel. Or hostel…..?somehow made my way over to where the Left Bank is and there found a little hotel, off the main register, I guess. Very cute this one. There was more to this but…... Some other time for that…..I love Paris really one of my main favorite cities along with NYC and ……well ok there really is something to be said for every place. Really there is.
It's hard for me to say such a place is my favorite because it doesn't mean that others…….well…..?

Maybe something in me would … ..that first place was near Sacre Cour. I love it over there really gorgeous, near Montmartre. Oh, yes…..taking a cab through the city the first night there was a little bar lit up with yellow light really like in the paintings, and a woman in there with flaming red hair probably a hooker.  I mean it's crazy how things don't change …...


I have been writing but this that I'm working on is very emotional and deep and is cutting to root of what I've been through in the past month. It's volatile and going to touch a lot of nerves, but it's great. It's the truth. There's a lot I'm hesitant to publish because it's not favorable to some people. I needed to get this down, though…..it's a lot. I had a treacherous three weeks and am very shaken and rattled by it but…..? here I am. Story of my life I seem to always step into combat even though I don't actively seek that out. Always like being in a tornado and yeah your friend can fuck off because I washed that goddamned floor every morning when no one else did. By the way. But this and I'm getting my period…..summer in London trying to find Yeats' house and yes where Sylvia Plath committed suicide yeah it's fucked up and morbid but people do this stuff you know. I knew which place it was before seeing the address. You just know, sometimes. Right then my period started and …..I couldn't…..stop it fortunately I was wearing clothes that could conceal it then walking around trying to find a place where I could take care of this……blood gushing out from me but trying to act normal. I finally found like a coffee shop and bought a muffin or something then went in the bathroom and stuffed tissue in my panties as much as I could. Then the next day the phone incident and being held hostage, my father on the phone and for a time they thought it was a kidnapping. Really stupid yeah I mean I admit I wasn't thinking clearly. It could have of course been far worse. I didn't plan to get my period or try to make a collect call (ok dumb I know but I thought I had asked this person and could not understand what he was saying back to me)…..was it that night I got robbed? At least my passport was in my room but the key was lost a huge security breach and considering what happened in Perugia or well anywhere but the people hanging around outside that place were not nice. They were the kind who would do something like that. For as flimsy a reason as to take money or jewelry. It was really a mess but why do I keep thinking back to this? Just that I keep getting into scary situations then wonder how the fuck I got out alive. I don't plan to do it. But it happens. I had wanted to see the Yeats house but even everything …..I don't know why I felt so dazed and otherworldly or like I was it maybe was beyond just that I was in an unfamiliar place.  Whatever there's always that element but…..it was every day this kind of stuff. I have been to a lot of places or at least a decent number but…..? I am mortified sometimes looking back…..I mean at my own impulsive …..I wasn't really thinking but unaware how visible I was. My friend once told me I stood out. What is that? I don't try to. Oh God I do feel terrible guilt about certain things. So much that I had to shut it out because …..I didn't want to be surrounded by that and aware of how…..even if it wasn't intentional it was it happened and…..I wanted to well no one likes that feeling. I saw an interview with Susan Atkins where she talks about this……"Charlie" telling them while they were in an LSD dream world that there's no such thing as guilt. Don't like feeling guilty? So don't. Where does that leave a person? I can't not feel it because I mean I do have ethics as a person. Always feeling that but what could I do but move on? So yeah I acted shoddily and wish it'd been otherwise but what do I do? Try to make it up? How? It was…..

Tuesday, April 07, 2015

watching The Imitation Game

so far pretty great.....

"Sometimes it's those you would imagine nothing of that do the unimaginable." Not dumb, huh?

Jodi's blog

She's .....wow. Amazing writer. Very eloquent and just brilliant. only two months. 



There is a presence of something I know I feel it it's all surfacing.
Things music I'm listening to stuff I am reading syncing and now maybe due to lack of sleep a perpetual feeling of being underwater. 

But feeling still so stunned by everything that happened yesterday.....

Some things are sad. Some a relief.

Thinking back to when I was living in Jersey City that was only two years ago but I'm thinking what an innocent that me was. I was blankly clueless.I had to take three trains to get into the city and it's weird how things make sense in retrospect but not at the time. Maybe there's something in me that just couldn't deal with it. I don't know what to do except.....????? Do it again.


why did that come to mind? brainstorming for images to post? Maybe because it's bright green and full of citrus and a part of me though I showered feels dirty or smudged, I don't know.

Reading Jodi's handwritten diaries brought with a glare the summer/fall and J and what I went through. J is alive, albeit in jail.....yeah I did love him and he me in his bizarre and demented way. But it wasn't to be and I needed to move on. He? desperately needs help but what can I do? But Jodi's journal lines out so well what happens to people during the grieving process.....the shock, sadness, feeling of being lost, your world turned upside down.....you have to psychologically distance yourself, shift zones or whatnot, because what it is in front of you is.....what you simply can't face. And being  feeling betrayed by someone you believed in, that you were willing to give a chance in your life. It's just horrible but you can't face it "I'll think about that tomorrow" Scarlett said because it's impossible to face or deal with it now. And sensing something.....but it not clearly defined, you're left without answers and in your mind endlessly going over details and frustrated .....shaken up really. After so many months I finally moved on. Sometimes I feel anger at what he put me through how I was thrown into .....you don't have answers and no one understands because they weren't there there's so much more to the story and what's out there is at best incomplete, at worst an absurd blatant lie. Being in a pile of rubble and the only thing to do is yet again dust yourself off and move on. From what's obvious and also unexplained, why me? why me? Some other time for that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What do I do? What do I do?

Dreams of J. Visiting him with my mom and sister. Her purse gets lost. Up and down stairs. Looking for it.

Jodi's Journal

Jodi's Journal 

I didn't know anything except a strand of ribbon......

Just don't believe she did it.

Would someone who just killed a person write this about them? "The most awful thing I've ever had to deal with. It hasn't fully hit me. This can't be real. " Gus Searcy said she'd called him crying hysterically over Travis......I mean if you'd done a thing like murder I don't think you'd be discussing him, crying over him, asking questions you'd just want the thing forgotten. You know, that I feel.

Speaking of Disneyland.....stuff about Amy Winehouse; I mean this is crazy fascinating stuff......the wax figure of her in Mickey ears. There was a stuffed Mickey Mouse doll in the alleyway outside the window of the place in Brighton.....I shrieked when I saw that. Sorry but I'm really creeped out by that stuff.

Free Jodi Ann

I know this is one person, one victim.....and yes there's stuff happening everywhere I acknowledge. But why this particular case? This speaks on so many levels. A line from the film JFK, "A mystery inside a riddle inside and enigma."

I'm listening to the John Digweed CD Global Underground Los Angeles. I am seeing shadows out of the corner of my eye and last night in the dark glowing letters like graffiti art. No I'm not fucking crazy ha. I hadn't slept enough and had had some terrible stress.....that can induce hallucinations. But it's more than that. Maybe they are ghosts, what I'm seeing. Kind of like here there gone.....I listened to this CD the summer after the spring that I walked out of a situation. Up, and out. Like I did recently and last year. One day I'd just stand up walk out and not look back......into what I didn't know. What can I say? I did that this fall then in summer started working at a trade paper listening to techno music walking home occasionally performing at a bar on 40th street. A year later I'd watch the towers fall from 32nd street and, when my displaced family was moved from downtown to a hotel on 50th street my sister found a very weird not that read, "Read the signs and follow the clues. That will lead you to where you watch the news." Pretty cryptic, and made no sense. I didn't want to talk about this subject being such a downer. During Hurricane Sandy I was staying at my mom's downtown and wind kept rattling a local building under construction; a perpetual humming sound and it was loud, too. kind of like up and down. and grating, non stop. We got no wind or rain. Bizarre.
Have to get off that subject. OK another depressing topic but as I saw an ad for a concert with blasting fire onstage, please people do not use pyrotechnics. It simply isn't worth it. It's absurd and unnecessary and .....just don't. No fire is the rule @ St. Marks and for a reason dudes.
Just got an email saying I won not one but several bags of Doritos and they're being mailed to me. Thinking about all those times I had a craving for them now they're all piling up for me.

Last year I read Amanda Knox's autobiography and obsessively followed the details of the Arias case. Saw a documentary on Pussy Riot and in all these instances.....some kind of mass insanity, completely irrational, maybe it's adrenaline or people get a rush out of seeing what looks like justice to them even if it's the opposite of that. The desire to punish a woman, one who does anything attention-getting in some way. That impulsive jump toward freedom, a handstand or the splits, sex.....or? The idea that someone who stepped out of line is getting it now. It's sick. Just sick. Only humans have that instinct. Am I right? 

headache ouch

but wired and fried, too. so much craziness......I had a particularly tumultous time yesterday. I apologize with my whole heart for causing inconvenience and distress to those I did. I could say someone else fell through with what they promised but fuck it, today's a new day. 

I had a dream a couple nights ago that I was seeing myself outside myself......my soul had left my body for a "new" one. The "old" me was not just dead but murdered......lying on the floor with blood coming out of my head. I had been on the beach, the highway......a storm.....people scattering then gone. I dream constantly of the beach and water. Then.....I was talking to someone on the phone saying I'm in my new self but what about the old one it's a corpse on the floor what do I do? It was an actress from a crime show or......confused on this......saying .....well some other time maybe I'll say who he was ......will show up at 7:45 to 8:30 am tomorrow to help you clean it. Would have between 5:30 and 5:45.......I have to say that shook me to the core. I had seen a youtube clip about Britney Spears doing a video called "Mona Lisa" about leaving her old self for her new. 
I am reading posts from a facebook page sympathetic to Jodi Arias. Please people read the alternative Web site on Ms. Arias and learn the truth on this case: I have to say something: I have no hatred for Travis Alexander I never knew him be it that he was probably ; he had a lot of problems it's hard to know if his dick-ishness came out of trauma and all the shit he went through as a kid or if he was just a dick period......that one's hard to figure out. He didn't do right, to put it mildly, by Jodi or any of his other girlfriends and, yes, I've known a few guys like him. Believe me I know very well their games, their charm and manipulation. That doesn't mean I think he deserved to be killed the way he was. Nevertheless......I wasn't there and I don't know these people. All I can say is from what I've heard Jodi say, from what others have written on things like witch trials, the psychology of false confessions.....ect.....the fact that Jodi said for two years that she did not kill Travis.....that she has no history of hurting people, there's too much glaring evidence to the contrary or that is extremely questionable, the illegality and corruption of her trial, witness tampering and the "disappearance" of people who give testimony contrary to the guilty verdict......it goes on and on man. www.jodiariasisinnocent.com 


Sunday, April 05, 2015

Happy Egg Day!

Whatever your thing is but love the bunnies! All the animals)

Friday, April 03, 2015

sprain on left knee

fortunately just a sprain. walking is difficult..... like a 90 year old drunk. I could go to the hospital but they will probably not do much. My friend used to say sports injuries are badges of honor. I have always gotten knee sprains.....but I did read running actually strengthens them. 

B you sexy man

boy did you screw up. consider it a miracle I'm willing to move past it. Oh God. I just ......oh God. The freakiest images. Lest there's any confusion I'm talking about Brett. 
What have you done with Aeysha? 
Chicago 1991 if you weren't there......I was. I was a kid. I was desperate to leave. I love my father, of course, and my friends. Irony is they along with me all migrated.....is that the right word? to NYC. OTP. Off the plane. 


 It's Good Friday the day to remember Jesus' crucifixion. Originally a pagan holiday amazing around the world it focuses on the same theme: descension then ascension basically. Persephone's abduction (ugh brings back unpleasant memories.....that disgusting Ted apologies to his mom and sister they are nice people, his friends too. Hence why I did not write even worse things about him. Or disclose more. At the end of the day I can't do that to people. But still. )
What better theme music the Utah Saints.....One is not supposed to smile or laugh or have fun on this day if religious.....I'm not quite that but I have seen weird things on this dark day......full of otherworldly images both on the computer and walking around at 2am in Brooklyn shadows and unexplained movement. I dreamt about  the apt ..... We were in the basement, where no one ever goes.....or rarely does one.....and there was a beautiful wooden door.....I said it was pretty like the one in Cinderella.....but.....there was something else to it. SOmething dark and hidden the symbolism isn't that subtle I guess. Except all the people who were mean to me bloodying their own feet and their eyes pecked out by doves. Oh that's not nice. (