Life only gets bizarre more twisted and nonsensical the more you try to make sense of it. Dig through the maze you only go deeper into it. Though believe me I am not the first to say this. Ok I am going to cite yet again dammit just cant help I am starting to feel like a wierdo in JFK there is the line "we're through the looking glass/black is white/white is black".......The film Network Paddy Chayefsky and TV (typhoon!) opened up the golden gates to the world the let in the floods of punk rock. Though it makes sense. How else would the world know about Tania, Patty Hearst, tricky dick ect than via the media? I was not exposed to a lot of TV as a kid I ("never mind the stars and stripes lets burn the Watergate tapes/I'll salute the New Age/ and hope nobody escapes"--the Clash) and.....("hail the New Age/it's a rat cage/join the place for breeding dumb species" Kim/Marty/Ricky.....Wilde) I am not sorry I missed out on a lot of the idiocy though.....I was a punk rock teen and there was no internet people were just out.....congregating in the same place......everything was word of mouth. There was no downloading but there were bootlegged copies of everything.....no omg well there was of kinds. There was revolution Yuppicide and sex.....with the fear of catching HIV and dying (kind of a mood kill pardon the pun).....and the rumor mill. After all......we were human. But. The ones the world despised and yet a money maker for those same people. Talk about rape! This was worse.....the medium is the message the bigger the lie and all that....."they" knew what they were doing.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Coincidence? Reading on Amy Winehouse's death.....I hadn't been a huge fan of her while she was alive.....the media obsession with her over the top.....but it's very moving and intriguing. Something about programming murder and such.....drum beats? The witness is not credible......anyone can say anything and often do.........
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
I am now an impromptu photojournalist. This was down on Essex St at Rev Men's bday bash. Noticeably absent Justin and Chris. Would have been nice cause I loved hanging with J and I still miss him......plus I could have crashed at his place. I have Horrors Management Long Island White Trash Slumlord to thank for the fact that instead I have to get back on the F to the A up to Inwood .....but AT LEAST I don't have to go to jersey city.
Wow. I at first wrote crashed on his couch. Proof.....that it's over. As these things do. Anyway. It still would have been nice to see him. However, all were not absent. It was so nice to see the same crowd from Bo Po: Gerber, Jen, John K.....I think Microphone. Now I am sitting in a divey steak place eating nachos for dinner and.....I passed the Slipper Room God how I miss dancing and ....though I did at St. Marks last night. SR I have neglected though soon soon.......) I am now a journalist see ....(name redacted) your words that I can't do it didn't deter me. With respect you also said cats are ruthless killers. Sorry but that was debunked by animal rights activists.
My new set is GENIUS. I have been thinking of Edinburgh and met some lovely girls from OZ I think they're called Box last night who will be there. I wish Blaise St Mary would come back but he's in California.....
Anyhow.....here is my clip of the anti slam: about to get on the train and read Amanda Knox's Waiting to be Heard get it folks it's great)
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Sitting in Waverly Diner with the best omelettes in NYC (was listening to the Emmaline Pankhurst speech you can't male an omelette without breaking an egg......and many were broken).
..there's the way it should be and the way it is.....that was said in the film Platoon. I used to watch that film constantly even though.....I was eighteen.....I did not identify as a soldier. But I didn't fully understand. It's not always a choice. Digress......so sitting here on 6th Ave my bill $13 (a recurring theme in my life) I am looking through the kaleidoscope into back then. The bookstore is boarded up.....proud to say ha! The new residents here are super rich and super illiterate (um, dare I say it? The kardashians. Disgraceful. Sorry, but that's my opinion of them. This is LA culture? Heavens help I hope not. LA, stop embarrassing yourself, please. You gave us Marilyn Monroe...... Homeless people in cardboard boxes here. Some of them undercover cops. So it was told. But sixth Ave I am pleased to say has not changed much otherwise. Just funky and......a mass of insanity and endless stampede of partyers flaunting rainbows and pipes all kinds.....
Sounds like "twat" Freudian? I did them some stuff I am not proud of. Here I was an amazing girl having moved here with mom from Chicago our own little diaspora? Is it a factor of distance? Perhaps not. Chicago to NYC is not a long way. But typically in my family things that are not a huge deal are treated as grand tragic opera. It was played to the hilt......therapists helped in some ways but in other ways created suffering where there was not any. My life was disrupted, they said. To take me out of Chicago was destroying my life and scarring me forever. Sorry. There is more to this. This software is messed up. My happy home life childhood and, subsequently I were being split and divided. Perhaps. But so it is. We were on the threshold of a new era. I have never been or identified as a child. I don't like kids never did, was bullied in elementary school.....and spent a lot of time with people older than me. Though I did have girlfriends my own age, too. I loved the smurfs, ect. And Dallas.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Who is your secret celebrity crush? I don't get crushes only obsessions....of the love-me-or-I-am-going-to-commit-suicide variety.....I would threaten guys with that as a teenager. But,you know,glad I didn't cause they weren't worth it. I moved on. But the French fries were good. With ketchup.
I will elaborate. When.....I have to tell the whole story.....when I was fifteen I hung around a group called Gay and Lesbian Youth of NY.l myself am not gay, but a part of me has always identified more with the world's disenfranchised. This guy named Michele used to hang around GLYNY too. He, like me, was straight. He was a sleazy douche.....hitting on women and girls.....me one day he decided to make his next target. He took me out and bought me food....french fries......then .....was all over me.....then because of my age he backed off.....but I then saw it as abandonment and because of my past I couldn't handle that.....it was my biggest fear. Too many guys knew that about me and used that to control me,or try to. They maybe didn't realize it or admit it but it makes sense. By humiliating me they became more powerful.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
I wish I could sing these songs..... impress people.....that I know Italian which I don't ...
I sound like the can opener......or a cat schreeching.....singing is not my thing. I have other talents that I have been given.
...they'd probably throw watermelons at me. Or tomatoes....or no anything is possible. I am learning fast I am good.....the language. I can mouth the words.I listened to a lot of classical music in school....Aria .....breeze..... Jodi Arias..... .....her and? Plotting to expose Travis' double life (sotto i pini del boschetto) though I personally would have seen that a mile away.....no need for an elaborate plot. Sad you know.....if it were up to me I would open the gates and set her free. I believe she is innocent though she did some really dumb things the main one being that she dated Travis. What argument can she make? I was young and messed up.....I didn't know what I was doing.....
Sorry for my absenteeism. Putting together new material and rehearsing hard. The past couple weeks have been rigorous. To say the least. So.....current interests including a heartfelt emotional testimony what have you on my first trip to nyc .....reading Schiller and Goethe in the original language....
My German's not that good and much of the beauty of the language is lost in translation .....but gradually getting there. Actually fairly fast. Schiller was absolutely a genius. I was partly inspired by a cousin of mine to read these authors. What else? Oh yes. The spying. None of this news is really news to me. Why me a target I may have my quirks but something this clandestine and highly sophisticated and.....make no mistake they knew what they were doing....why me? If so it is. Anyway.
Tuesday, July 09, 2013
Travis: I'll call you when I'm done.
Jodi: Done what? Screwing those bimbos?
Travis:Well, I have to get them drunk first don't I?
Watched some of this am getting into ....Tania Raymonde is pretty decent in it.....of ...I mean I'd be lying if I said I never felt what she/the character feels.....I have never stabbed anyone or been violent though I am still not believing that she either did it or if she did......that she did it alone. .....even in my darkest days thank heaven I had other outlets..
In my situation I am unfamiliar with this community growing up in Chicago and New York I had no contact, really, with anything to the west of that except for a few trips.....I went with my then boyfriend to Arizona.....I like the heat but that was too much.....I can't bear to be shut up in air conditioning all the time I want to be free to walk out. Only once did I have to break down and buy an AC because my room was too hot even for me. I can't sleep with one on or even the fan. I close the windows and any air blowing irritates me and makes me sick .....I like going to sleep warm and waking up in a sweat. When I was in Scotland I couldn't take the cold and this was summer.....big mistake not to bring a portable heater. I would sneak into the kitchen turn on the stove and sleep on a table......where we cooked stuff..I remember the first time doing that after a week of lying in cold air that scratched my nose and not allowed any heat and feeling underwater and disoriented with the flu or perpetually running nose.....finally the feeling of warmth for the first time and my body coming together again. I love Scotland and Scottish people but next time I go i will not forget a portable heater and electricity converter.
Digression..... anyway.....I watched this movie partly in Brooklyn will go into more later.....
If I dare say but I will it's a free country.....my opinion only.....Jodi did not do the killing. I have NO idea what she was doing with him because I would have bolted out of there so fast before you could blink if any guy fed me the absurd nonsense he did her. Not to mention all that other stuff. You couldn't get me far enough away fast enough. Plus.....not that that's everything but I don't think he was all that good looking. I don't get what she was doing with him but he probably didn't deserve to die. Likely.....I am guessing but others have said the same.....someone else did the dirty work and left Jodi to take the fall. Too bad she should have asked for a lawyer up front. Ok. Well, there you have it. My hypothesis.
It's easy to see the bad more than the good.....when you're in it. Once again I am sorry for behaving badly. I was caught in a tornado I had.......it was more than I had ever been prepared for. Nothing made sense. I was very savagely attacked for no reason. My mom and her then husband and I.....I was around ten. . It was the best of times it was the worst of times. I know it's been said ad nauseum.......but true in my case.....she and Jon (sorry to drag up the past!) had a fight to end all fights. I heard, rather than saw. This is while we were visiting his parents in Cape Cod (the birth place incidentally of J's ex .....). One carries the legacy of the past. From The Tempest: "past is prologue." Also in the film JFK..... I was weird then too but otherwise a typical kid from the Chicago suburbs. Mom and Jon fell out......sad you know my grandmother was dying.....I was a child fortunately shielded from the horrors of cancer but I guess I sensed underneath the surface.....my mom took me on a side trip to NYC. Spur of the moment. We weren't impulsive people my mom is a pretty meticulous planner.
But it happens.....I read a biography of my hero, Natalia Makarova, where she talked about spontaneous random acts like that shaped her life, despite her plans and projects. Pause. But remembering the past clarifies the unspeakable horror of the present.....recognize patterns. "If the moon smiled, she would resemble you/you leave the same impression/of something beautiful, but annihilating" Sylvia Plath "todestone/I should leave you in the center of my forehead/and let the dead sleep as they deserve." And I crawled out ....when I was in Edinburgh we were made to watch these bizarre Japanese films about people being swallowed by the bed..... Very scary fight. Then mom took me in the car, driving to? I was bored and restless.
This song came out in around 1995-96. Correction....my bad! Brainchild of dozens of people it seems, mostly in Europe. I was in school, living in the dorm.....ah life was good. I was dating a guy named Al. Reading a book on Anne Sexton. Auditioning. And this was on the radio constantly:
"Big Brother is watching you
Unlock your brain and save your soul
Life in a perfect system
Take the stand and fight for freedom
Keep the faith and run away
Money sex and thought control
A generation without soul
Perfect people in a perfect world
Behind closed doors all in control
...cold cash money mentality"
Don't want to violate copyright laws you know I could be .....well life is short ....
So. Things have really changed since then.....and you thought they were kidding!