oh lovelies

Thursday, December 31, 2009

up and down extremes

some times yes it's very painful

to live to the worst and I was so afraid it would happen

and I was stabbed and bitten mercilessly almost

but here I am still alive and

I won't let those fuckers run my life no matter how hard they try

love can be bittersweet like an apple

woman as she is and love as it is

oh to be released to leave to love to accept to feel to not feel this

right and left and up and down

love and hate

how much water is on the moon? WHAT is on the moon?

love and hate the same person

desire to forgive desire for revenge

want to own want to let go

self love self annihilation

life and death

need to break free of this torture of endless here and there

so is it that simple? maybe it is

this is the thirteenth moon, at the end of the year. That explains 2009.

And I'm not dead.

Crucified dead and buried. I think I was all three.

But I came back.

Laura Laurel Sunday's Child

Lady Hecate

Now....what will I do this thirteenth moon night?

I will make some fucking dough, that's what.

I will increase the love. The lust. The red dust. The green. The water. Up. Up. Up.

I got a new bike. I ride the love, the streaks of light. The life.

Up and down.

Love and hate.

White and black.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

what do I want?

A quiet study with a grandfather clock in it. Among other things.

Friday, December 25, 2009

I spent a great deal of time on Essex st yesterday. It's an ugly, grey, grim place. Practically my life centers around Broome St now, but for how long who knows. But for the past year it has.
On Essex St, there's a Cuban section in the market with a guy who has a Santaria alter. There was a puppet hanging over head and I asked him how much he was selling it for. He said, this is not for sale. How embarrassing. He was probably thinking, stupid American. I asked him, what does it represent? He said, "Death." I had put on this oil black arts, why.....I guess sometimes the darker stuff can be healing, in a way.

Yes it was a death, that day. For a day. It seemed like it.
I don't recommend using black arts oil if you're easily suicidal. It's not for the faint of heart. But it can help, if you can handle it.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Och, "the alchemist, physician, and magician". He rules 28 provinces. His luminary is the Sun.

One of the Seven Olympian Spirits.

As for me, I'm Sunday's Child. But the child born on the Sabbath Day,
Is fair and wise and good and gay.

We need this now, the sun. Brighter, warmer. More. Light. Brighter.

It has been dark and cold so bring the light, there's enough. Bring it back.

Susan Denise Atkins (May 7, 1948 – September 24, 2009)

I had no idea til today that she is gone. I always found her fascinating. One person, can be many things, and not necessarily what they appear. Of course, whatever happened that night, I suppose she is guilty probably, and it was right to put her away. But the story is more complex than it's made out to be. Anyway, to the left is one of her paintings. She became a born again Christian minister. She was a brilliant person. She was gorgeous.....really her being put away is a waste of a life, with tremendous potential. She did however accomplish much in prison; among the ministry as I mentioned also as a painter and jewelry designer. There is just something about her that.....well, draws me in. I wish I could have known her or had coffee with her. Maybe with her spirit. A coffee seance. Here's her site Susan Atkins Whitehouse.

Also Brittany Murphy, wtf happened there? Drug overdose? I wonder about these deaths that are so "random..." ....

Saturday, December 19, 2009

couple cool chicks

Natalie Merchant

reprint b sigil

lsd 25

apt search
acting ads
sw ads

feed cats

sew sachets for l, mo


Friday, December 18, 2009


orange and light orange and benevolence......
when there's time....... and forgiveness...... and good...good....things had been pretty dark.




Originally Thor's Day or Jupiter's Day

Jupiter is the god of philosophy, luck, sports, travel.

Saved. Saved. Universal flow. Saved. Saved.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Feminazi New World Order?

if you are male, you are in grave danger, according to Henry Makow. Apparently, though I'd have to devote more time to reading this, but in summary, he prose lytizes the same sort of thing: that there is some kind of devil-worshipping left wing "feminist" or " feminazi" (a contradiction in terms as the nazis were anti-feminist; kinder, kuche, kirche) illuminati conspiracy of bankers, newspaper owners, world leaders...the list goes on and on to........teach five year olds about condoms, kill innocent children, tell women to castrate or kill their husbands, ditto kill their kids, shave their heads, or not shave their armpits.....I have apparently lost touch with my "natural, loving instincts."

and so on, something to that effect.

Maybe I should hate these people but I actually feel sympathy. And millions of people in America believe this.....that the New World Order of feminists and liberals is out to get them, among other things. The zionist, feminist media won't let people like Henry Makow speak. I, people like me, apparently am part of this conspiracy.

I was taught sex education along with my classmates at age ten. This was a few years before the AIDS epidemic began. Condoms have saved me, I am sure. On at least one occasion they prevented me from getting an STD. They are the reason I never had to have an abortion. Probably because I was educated about the dangers out there, including dangerous people, I am still alive now.

I feel like I'm stating the obvious here, but.....

well, first of all I do not "worship the devil." Some people think anyone who is not Christian is a satanist, or that wiccans are satanists. They think yoga is satanic. As for me, I'm not religious. I don't "worship" anything or anyone. More on this another time.

There are people who .....sick.....condone what happened to someone like Matthew Shepard. There was a notice put up around Christopher Street that two young gay men, both I believe under the age of 20, were murdered in hate crimes. What has been done about it? The newspapers are obsessing on Tiger Woods and his girlfriends day and night and where is the outrage about these two men? Where is the coverage period? When I go to the Food Emporium I am forced to pass this tank with live lobsters in it. These poor creatures are tied up, waiting for nothing but death, a horrible one. I don't know how any human being can put these things in water. From what I hear, people have heard them scream. I stopped eating meat for the most part.

I don't know why I have to say this, but to me the horrors of this world are not in "Satan" or some kind of supernatural being, but in humans. It's the human race who is destroying the planet and harming and killing animals, and other innocent people and children. There is so much that I can't go into here. So....to many people this is not the biggest threat; rather that two men in Greenwich Village want to marry or kiss or hold hands in public, or that a woman somewhere, often poor and desperate, is getting an abortion.

I'm not this bleak really. I suppose this is the worst of things. I'm trying to "cleanse" all this bad stuff in me, that I know is there. Maybe it's not "in" me but all around me. I haven't given up. There has to be hope....

I was raised Christian, Episcopalian. I have that in common with Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin. Christ is about love, compassion and humility. Love your enemy, turn the other cheek, give your coat to the person next to you. Hmm.....does something seem off here?

These people have very magnetic personalities.

Monday, December 14, 2009


my stuff seems dark and negative. but really...I hope....cheesy? I hope it's never anything but....well, an act of love ultimately. the love has to be there. whichever way you choose. flowing through you. that's the hard part. love can be dark and violent though. venus is a violent planet and one of war sometimes. so hey.......there' s so much bad out there. it's an everyday effort. I am not alone. have to keep remembering that. at times it feels like you're alone in the universe. i have to listen to my instinct...like Julia Cameron is saying. And that's so often at odds with what everyone around me...including those I love and believe in....say. yeah, it is a struggle at times. well, you know, I do my bit....what else can I do? I may not be perfect or never make mistakes. I may not be the prettiest, youngest, the best dancer, whatever. but I'm attractive enough, I have some advantages that many want. I come from a great family, though flawed, from white middle class America. No one beat or molested me. I usually, eventually get the help I need. I've had good and bad things happen to me. The love is there in my life, not perfect but there are those who try to be there for me. But they can't do it all. Who can? get what I need for me....

I sometimes feel like a victim. maybe I am one at times. Or I feel that of others. It is impossible for me to just be grateful and not feel anything. for others. If only I could be that way. I wish I could just be sometimes. But I'm not.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

what's hot gets hotter
lust, dust, rain down on us
all that's red
bled and bold
we are young and not old
all that's red bled and sold
we are hot and not cold
we are hot
and not cold
we are hot
and not cold
we are hot
and not cold

that that divides
burn it away
that that deprives
burn away
that that starves
burn away
that that harms
burn it away

all that's red shiny and bled
we are alive and well fed
fed and bled
again again again again
til the end again and again
til the end again

Saturday, December 12, 2009

via combusta

it is cold

pierce me the pin is hot my blood burns for you
ears are numb and the pin prick still red raw burning sensation
clean wiped me with alcohol
that which is purple shines on my leg
look in the mirror and I see a different face everyday
that which is not my own and
i am turning to stone when will it end
I am bending down wishing for revenge desire
I am frozen and shaken
and something hits me stings burns
I am numb and icy hot
I fell through the floor and it's
not ok and I am alive still not ok still
alive still and not ok something protected me
even during the worst and yes I wanted to believe
but I couldn't stop it something rose out of the ground
shook me every part of me
they won and somehow I must have let them
the burning is through all of me
there must be an escape
soil is soft and endless
feels that way scratches me is under my nails
can I ever get rid of it
my hands are dry cracked
with tiny scratches
I was saved the bruises shadowed again

Friday, December 11, 2009


I was really falling apart and falling down
but I'm on the other side now
and I'm not ok really
I can't pretend I'm ok
I'm dying in a way and
what will ever be enough

will I ever not want this, this and something more

something less
the wind slaps my face burns

love and war and it's burning endlessly
and what is in the river what is it and who is it and who and who and who and who there has to be a reason there has to be one
and it is there and it is there and I have endless endless cravings and my needs are endless and they never never never end never will end never
and yet someone knows someone knows even more
what are my secrets?
there are too many
I'm dirty and cracked everywhere

it's quiet in here
and these people have disintegrated into werewolves

but here I don't have to think or try to think
he's in a straightjacket
night is the only time for me
the sunlight burned my eyes
she's the crazy lady on the hill
there are drugs that would cure her
you know you've fallen too far
at her level

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Monday, December 07, 2009


does it make sense?

have to say, though, the universe is pret-ty