oh lovelies

Monday, June 21, 2010

former copy editor

As was Henry Miller. A friend gave me some books he wrote. Must have been a gift from.....these things just find you. Like Love in the Time of Cholera.....a guy on the street was selling it. And the Book of Ceremonial Magic. But I won't get into that.

the scene in the Shining with all work and no play......

I found a still on that....an article on the film. There are errors in the writing. Was this deliberate or overlooked oh pun...anyway.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull bog

was one of them.

great grandpa

big nose bulging ears
messy hair spaced out
1925 yes "archaic" but it's not
strangers it's people I know
back in the day
"see if you find him"
I pick him out confirmed
some of the girls very beautiful
high school graduation
he was once 18
they're chatting.....this was once real.......
this once happened
Henry Miller wrote long letters to Anais Nin
the book is in the library
I came here at 13 to find dance books
and masturbation in the Catholic Encyclopedia
the little red man with the devil horns
was going to come out of the closet and get me
the Jesus book a gift from my grandmother
that I stayed up reading said turn the other cheek
how to deal with schoolyard bullies? good advice?
I didn't completely love my enemies

then later I read smash your enemy....he?
the sun is shining and I am alive
I burn burn with light don't you
wish you were alive like me?
you saved me
I will go on living
green green the leaves are green
they grow in trees
and I go on living living the sun is shining
and I go on living
because I have powers you know
now I have them
incredibly blessed and incredibly cursed
I've been incredibly blessed and incredibly cursed
the queen is dead long live the queen
if people really knew
ring the bell once twice
is he a sleaze or a genius or both
ringing the bell once twice the
sun is shining [sin I typoed slip? ]
and I am alive
the grass is green and so are the bushes
I am underground but not for long
the dark goddess emerges still wet after all this time!
the sun is shining and I am still alive
are you afraid of me?

skewer the bitch
she lost her head
off with it off
the queen is dead

long live the queen
and the sun is shining


That ......I went fishing? I never fish. In the Hudson River. By the gates I think in Dumbo, or maybe in Mom's neighborhood. I get into the water to retrieve something. I have the keys to my apartment in my hand, forgetting I have them. The water feels very clean and cool, and I'm thinking this as I get submerged......the waves are coming over me and I start swimming. I wrote this on a paper print out I had on the Tarot card the Page of Cups. I was sorting out papers and this was one I was going to put in recycling. There's a symbol on the lower right corner of this card, on what appears to be sand. It looks like a sigil of some kind....Andromalius? Something hidden? Water is behind this person who could be male or female. She is holding a cup with a fish.

Digression.......but the flowing water is behind her. It looks like deep water, not the shore of a beach. There is no gate protecting her from the water behind her.

So I'm submerged in this water but it starts to get windy. I realize I could be pulled out, but I manage to hold on to the earth/ground, pull myself out. Water gets turbulent. As I get out, go back behind the gate, it gets very windy. There are huge rocks suddenly, and the wind and water is so strong it pulls the rocks into it. I think it's lucky I got out, but I realize I think I threw my keys in the water. I can't get in my place. I consider calling J to ask if I can stay with him, I lost my keys. But then I realize I still have them.

yes I am being harsh with them because they were harsh with me.

I can't help it the world is what it is and I'm not going to pretend it's other wise, you know?
Random things I keep seeing little blond kids, like in my mother's neighborhood, with black nannies. I'm not kidding. All the time. It's incredibly disturbing to me. When you go to the playgrounds in NYC, the kids are not with their parents. They're with nannies and babysitters. To me this is really kind of sick. I come from a very middle class, middle American background and it is absurd that kids are not raised by parents. I believe in feminism of course. But was this the intended direction? It was working women often who opposed day care centers. Because kids should be with their parents......they said until they had kids, and left them with nannies. I'm not making this up either. My ex boss, a woman who has two kids, who put her daughter in day care when she got divorced and had to go back to work full time, let one woman go after she had a baby and asked if she could bring her new born to the office. And America has no maternity leave either. And it's often women opposing this, working women. This was my experience in corporate America. Is motherhood a low status job? If I have kids I want to be with them. I've heard of some children who literally think their babysitters are their mothers. I sarcastically joked to myself that the "yuppie" mothers don't want to compete with sexy teenage girl babysitters that's why they hire generally fat and frumpy women to look after their children.....then on the news I saw an article about a 13 year old girl held for manslaughter after a baby died. I babysat at 13 and the kids are fine......and grown up. Youth is not long.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

crazy times

spiritually I've been going through a lot, and working a lot.....trying to sort out stuff. I am someone who needs that atmosphere......that and creative. Last night I lost it. Maybe I'm bipolar? Or something. I'm not on medication since st vincent's closed. to get adderall is a huge pain in the ass.....I have to contact this doctor then I get a hard time about whether he is the main one on my plan and the insurance not wanting to pay......my friend said they do that on purpose. The person I live with is really difficult to get along with. You know....I don't want to be hateful. I believe in forgiveness......if only releasing your own negativity. Some people don't deserve it......but to have hate is not helpful. However, there are elements of the world that are just bad. And then you have to go to extremes, you know? What do you do when you try you try to be nice and good and kind and selfless......someone who is loving, trusting, friendly....and the other person just spits it right back at you. A kind of "fuck you." Because I have been through that. Putting yourself out there only to get spit at. And what do you do? I came up with this whole rant against one person who shall remain unnamed. No I will name her. Sin was her name. All these recurring words......I worked for SIN the paper. Anyway. You know.....to her I say wear you fucking hair shirt and think I dropped a big goofer on you on purpose. Get out into the world and see real suffering, you know? Someone told me Chile is a narrow country.....narrow minded? Her parents fly her to spain and chile which is very very expensive. She has three apartments and just inherited a bunch of money. She accused me of "robbing" her and desecrating her apartment. What was there to desecrate? A concrete brick on the floor, a straw basket full of magazines, papers and a ruler? Get the fuck over it! For the record.....I NEVER set out to rob anyone. The money order had an error and the bank first accepted it then rejected it. I was supposed to get refunded but because I was practically forced out of there I never got the check so $200 is lost......neither of us is getting it. And I am offended that I would be accused of something like this. This person Sin is not someone who will ever have to struggle for anything, you know? In the grand scheme of things....tell me why I should care about her? I want to be a caring person......it's hard. But there are those who really do need my compassion and I guess I have to make priorities....and she is not among them. Makes sense, huh? Like I said, I have TRIED to help people in the past and be nice and good and friendly and they have responded with hostility and abuse, and insults. Being a victim and taking shit from people does NOT make anyone better. No matter what religion says, East or West. More on that another time. Lost souls....damn straight! Self love makes you a better person. So......

Today I took out my phone and the number....you know sometimes the keypad is hit accidentally or something......said......(666)666-6666 then 599......without the five it'd be all 6s. ?????who knows.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

trying really hard

not to be negative or judgemental. it's hard because I am coming from the redstockings prowoman radical feminist environment that says women are great and they only pretend to be stupid because they have to conform to men's or society's standards of bimboness or something. maybe some women are putting on a good "stupid" act. I know I'm not supposed to condemn a woman for at least acting incredibly stupid. And annoying. Like this woman I'm being forced to listen to now. People who's every other word is "like." Maybe Los Angeles, or Jersey/LI. I swear the latter is a tomb. This culture can be a serious test of the most die hard woman loving radical feminist. I don't hate these women. But it is unbearably irritating to listen to them......the high pitched voices and laughs and every other word being "like." The "Mercury Bar" is that what it is? SOmeone said that Jessica Simpson once asked if buffalos have wings. Now, maybe she is putting on an act because the world "rewards" "dumb" women, or something like that, or because she was brought up to think men don't like smart girls. I don't know. Maybe she really is a profound and interesting person underneath, a victim? Maybe they have been so damaged by sexism that it's twisted their minds or something. Someone told me about a woman who is living in denial about her boyfriend who cheats on her and watches animal porn, among other things. OK I'm not judgemental. I watched that Reagan Youth video and started crying....never thought I'd miss the old days of dirty needle infested thompkins sq park but I do.....at least these people........were not delusional. There was a passionate commitment to change in the world, even if flawed. I mean, I'm supposed to not want change and support traditional values when women say, "Sorry I don't eat buffalo" when offered wings? I didn't realize this was a good thing. Or being forced to marry at age thirteen, like my ex's grandmother. This is how things were in the old traditional days. Or women were raised to think if their man is beating them it's because he loves them. Thing is, women do this to other women. I read a story once of how this girl's mother bound her feet, in China. I read books like "Feminist Revolution" which pretty much say that women shouldn't be judged and it's men doing this to women. True ultimately I guess. Somebody please tell me why I should accept this. Because we're not born equal? I can't stand it, I can't stand another minute of it. I will never never accept it no matter what.

Sunday, June 06, 2010


Wenn im Herzen brennt das Feuer freut sich das schwarze Ungeheuer

wow I love this expression......

when the fire burns in the heart the black monster celebrates

something to that effect

Der Teufel

It's a little hard for me to write now since I'm sitting in a makeshift "chair" that is comprised of a pile of laundry, at my friend's computer.

But I'm reading about the legend of the "Crossroads"

Kind of interesting that was the name of a Britney Spears film, was that her only one? Another interesting figure. Her name is an anagram of "Presbytarians." Seriously. Try it on Anagram Server.

The "legend" which has roots in African and European traditions, is you meet a figure at a crossroads or kind of no mans land who will teach you what you want to learn. That evolved into the legend of blues musicians selling their souls to the devil, or Satan. In fact......that's not what happened. Der Teufel or Legba, something like that......is a teacher, not "evil." Could be many things......and takes the form of a black man or cat or something like that. I say this because I was walking on my old street, Skillman St, the other day, and just sitting in the street was this black cat. I went over to get him out of the way of cars. This cat was very sweet, an unfixed tom. Some people had left food out for him, as there is a family of feral cats there. Something......? Form of something? A friend, new friend anyway.