oh lovelies

Thursday, June 17, 2010

crazy times

spiritually I've been going through a lot, and working a lot.....trying to sort out stuff. I am someone who needs that atmosphere......that and creative. Last night I lost it. Maybe I'm bipolar? Or something. I'm not on medication since st vincent's closed. to get adderall is a huge pain in the ass.....I have to contact this doctor then I get a hard time about whether he is the main one on my plan and the insurance not wanting to pay......my friend said they do that on purpose. The person I live with is really difficult to get along with. You know....I don't want to be hateful. I believe in forgiveness......if only releasing your own negativity. Some people don't deserve it......but to have hate is not helpful. However, there are elements of the world that are just bad. And then you have to go to extremes, you know? What do you do when you try you try to be nice and good and kind and selfless......someone who is loving, trusting, friendly....and the other person just spits it right back at you. A kind of "fuck you." Because I have been through that. Putting yourself out there only to get spit at. And what do you do? I came up with this whole rant against one person who shall remain unnamed. No I will name her. Sin was her name. All these recurring words......I worked for SIN the paper. Anyway. You know.....to her I say wear you fucking hair shirt and think I dropped a big goofer on you on purpose. Get out into the world and see real suffering, you know? Someone told me Chile is a narrow country.....narrow minded? Her parents fly her to spain and chile which is very very expensive. She has three apartments and just inherited a bunch of money. She accused me of "robbing" her and desecrating her apartment. What was there to desecrate? A concrete brick on the floor, a straw basket full of magazines, papers and a ruler? Get the fuck over it! For the record.....I NEVER set out to rob anyone. The money order had an error and the bank first accepted it then rejected it. I was supposed to get refunded but because I was practically forced out of there I never got the check so $200 is lost......neither of us is getting it. And I am offended that I would be accused of something like this. This person Sin is not someone who will ever have to struggle for anything, you know? In the grand scheme of things....tell me why I should care about her? I want to be a caring person......it's hard. But there are those who really do need my compassion and I guess I have to make priorities....and she is not among them. Makes sense, huh? Like I said, I have TRIED to help people in the past and be nice and good and friendly and they have responded with hostility and abuse, and insults. Being a victim and taking shit from people does NOT make anyone better. No matter what religion says, East or West. More on that another time. Lost souls....damn straight! Self love makes you a better person. So......


Today I took out my phone and the number....you know sometimes the keypad is hit accidentally or something......said......(666)666-6666 then 599......without the five it'd be all 6s. ?????who knows.

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