My left ear is infected and I have.a laceration on my left middle finger. It's horrifically cold out but I am grateful for heat that I got through my dance exercises I have friends and family my books and movies so yes.....I just watched Requiem for a Dream fucking awesome film but kinda like a long bad trip.....I read about the author Hubert Selby Jr. He himself had been an addict for decades and like Jesus spent his time with society's outcasts.....eeh I know that. God I think I've spent time with all walks of life. Still I am drawn to people who are "fallen" in some way or at least.....well, fucked up. Post punk third wave feminism .....I've been reading a lot of wikipedia. If I fit into any slot.....I mean I grew up in the Village, NYC and Chicago. My family is Midwestern but worldly and well-traveled. I am hyper emotional and high strung and a private and public person both at the.end of the day I can't suppress anything.....yeah so high drama. I would not say I'm sex positive sex for me is all about mind fuck power domination maybe oh well it's the way of the species. This going through my mind after watching this bizarre and sick movie but I do love Darren Aronofsky's direction.....Hubert Selby said the message is anti American Dream more than the drugs it's I suppose shallowness and lack of substance that led to these people's disintegration. Ellen Burnstyn is brilliant.....and Jared Leto all the actors knockout performances of course her character like a female Lear. I don't particularly want to see fifty shades I have lived it.....this topic all so decrepit. So so speaking of.....
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Friday, January 30, 2015
Thursday, January 29, 2015
A lot of people envied him to ward off evil eye? Amulets? The eye is blue. I have blue eyes. I don't want to ward myself off.....but I am not the envious one.....penis envy? Why is his thing so much bigger than mine? Nah. Absurd. At age two, maybe. In swimming class. That was it. We were in water said to be protection against that.....
The child born on Sabbath Day.....how did it go? Really I was born under mixed stars. Nothing is inevitable. Nor have I ever said it is. This believe it or not in the Enquirer Higgs Boson and parallel universes somewhere out there your life everyone's is being lived again and again. Margaret Atwood wrote snip off a strand of history and it all comes unravelled. You can go back in time and the times when your instinct was telling you to walk or run but you stayed how many times I thought if only I'd just walked away. Irony of ironies it was Ted who brought us together. Or remove one block from the base of a pyramid the whole thing......everything that ever happened to anyone is still happening who knows how often a very hopeful sign. You could bring back the dead or those so many cheated out of life maybe their spirits are hitting me on the head relentlessly not to forget them never to forget them. Who can answer the question why they were not given a.chance to live but who knows I'm not a scientist though physics fascinated me. Or would the planet just become.overcrowded?
J'ai vu ton mec avec une autre fille/il semblais dans un autre monde Blondie Sunday Girl. I too would stand in the dressing room and.move the mirrors so I saw myself infinite times over but.....and? It was me but it wasn't. One of my nightmares.....many of them involve wooden houses and mirrors. I am brushing my hair and look in the mirror but don't see myself I see a girl with her back to me, hair different from mine, also brushing her hair. I was given a mirror by a neighbor and dreamt I looked in in and saw a person who wasn't there.....that mirror chipped who knows could have been a spirit trapped in there who upon it breaking got let out. Like in Superman II the.villains escape their two dimensional prison when the glass breaks and make a huge mess out of everything. There is a superstition that says cover all the mirrors when someone dies or their soul will be trapped. Something like that. If nothing else my peace of mind was disrupted.....
His mistress, his paramour. But not his wife. Never his wife. It wasn't to be. You have always been the caretaker. You always will be. But not anymore? Marriage would have ended in shattered dreams and tears and sucked up money. Would have been a mess.
Born under a bad sign blue moon in my eye.
Sopranos song Alabama 3
Monday, January 26, 2015
Again maybe I went too far God what comes over me I don't know......? Watched repeatedly while living with J the Hot Chick. "Silly Billy I am not having sex with you....." why am I obsessed with this.film? I like all those actors. They're all fucking great.
" Front, behind.....I'm still not doing it.
" Room I worked hard to pretty up. My stuff, my diaries still there. Roses. J thought I was trying to bewitch him I wasnt. It is simply what I was taught to make nice my environment. I never tried to bind him to me. I don't do that to people. I can't anyway. I do care about him despite everything. It hurts me that.....well ..... anyway. But life goes on and I have.....I retract about.....but not supposed to talk about this
I'll keep this genteel blot out the offensive part.....sorry......Ugh! Gross. Even if you're a horrible writer at least it's your original property what have you. Speaks for itself. I may be far from perfect but there.is.something to be said for making your own, doing your own. I admit I did a lot of stuff that's shameful that I later regretted but I never did that. At least I always wrote my own stuff at the end of the day.....oh god oh god I'm no better well only slightly or I don't know.......
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Woody Allen's Radio Days Clip II: http://youtu.be/xioICtn1a4I.
Living with Dad things.come.together so bizarrely I was blind or nearsighted but now I see.....yeah no joke I stared death in the face like the opening of the Joyce Carol Oates novel "There came death hurtling along the Boulevard in waning sepia light"..... When I was a teenager I read a few of her books (Wonderland, Childwold) she seems to understand of course having once been one the souls of young women but men too. Like a person's unconscious. But yes I watched this film Radio Days.by Woody Allen CONSTANTLY in Chicago the video store across the street. Great city but I missed B some other time for for that oh god yes and my friends then before I knew it we were at war.....terrified when the first casualty list turned up in the papers B would be on but he wasn't my friends and I.laughed about it but you know for so many 18 year olds that fear gave way to the real thing. Life is so unfair. It's difficult to feel that relieved when you know so many suffered so horribly losing their.sweethearts/crushes at age 18 how do you stand the grief but you do somehow. But why were we spared.and not them? Who the fuck knows but anyway.....oh there is more. It was a spirit of some kind. It was something. I don't know who or what matter changes never stops moving particles move through us past us always you know when you sense something KNOW something just haven't put it together but it was something why me why me why me.......
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Finally dusted off the debris from a hellish week. Cleaned up, ect. I am due some fun so yeah.....big time. All the stages of grief can be about so many things. Pain sadness gives way to rage that if you feel hurt or betrayed. I felt very stabbed in the back. It's a very scary feeling but here I am. That which gave me nightmares, visions......needing someone but impossible to trust anyone. I did not trust them. I .....you relive your life over and over not realizing it. Anyone can say anything. It's what you do and things make sense over time but.....
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Still reading Blonde by Joyce Carol Oates. Read something about her first husband interesting he said things weren't as bad for her as they'd been told.....her early life.
I know people who smoke weed but that was never my thing. Mainly because I am like that naturally and have been trying to get unlike that my whole life. People thought I was high when I was sober. Weed when I did smoke it once in a blue moon just made me feel cold tired and like I had to pee. This one time in Central park in high school this girl gave me some and the world turned upside down......I went to find a bathroom and walked past a construction site......I stepped, not looking where I was going, into a square of wet cement and walked right through til I found it. These construction guys were I think jeering me on. "Whoooaa, lady....." .....I have a terrible time with direction I remember Jodi Arias saying during her interrogation with detective Flores she has a horrible sense of direction and is a slave to GPS. She is also left-handed as was the lovely late Ms. Baker-Monroe. We all must be soul twins. This other time......holy sheesh I was at a guy's house.....this around the time I was......I must have been injected with Rosecrucianism I think I was.....I saw little gumdrop houses in such vivid colors as I'd never seen before......this was Candy land.....yeah believe it or not this is a little kid's game "One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small....." but then again this was the seventies.....but maybe it was a flashback to that. "What the hell is this?" I asked my guy friend. This was no ordinary grass, but he told me it was. I was literally, if just in my mind like the movie Contact.....this was.....I'm thinking of highs boson and parallel universal, or Narnia (another metaphoric kids book I'd read).....
I meet my mother at Macy's someone takes her bag an older blond woman. Guys playing with snow making snow mustaches. I am with Ted its July 4 we see fireworks which speed up out the window turn into little green cartoons I say something in Spanish then Latin they the gremlins whatever they are begin speaking Latin. His window becomes Brooklyn Bridge.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Where Marilyn Monroe spent her harrowing childhood. Ha. Right next to Chuck E Cheese. I am reading Blonde by Joyce Carol Oates it must be a thing of fate as I found this book in Carroll Gardens. California isn't highlands tho......should be Lowland Ave n'est ce pas?
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Again I am summarizing but woke up this am early with this on my mind.....political ideological differences lead to war so that the enemy becomes internal.....things get overlapped and mixed up. I saw quite a lot of this ugliness and being naturally sensitive was very shaken up by it. There is something called "war water" maybe someone threw that at us. Younger generations or "third wave" feminists oh... ..vs second wave.....and I read some very disturbing and bizarre stuff from a transgender "womyn" on this.....the older women from the second wave seen as prudent, white-gloved anti-sex and stick in the muds or something and the younger, pro-sex work pro-porno (some say it's empowering I mean well.....it's a harrowing path to walk). I .....oh God. I can speak as an insider .....it's very grueling, exhausting work. I don't know if I personally would call it empowering......this is for another discussion. I am not anti-sex but I do have an active dislike of much of the shit out there I don't think it should be banned but it is an expression of an ugly streak. Sexual repression.....but NOW had a lot of double standards that fucked us all over. Not supporting (enough) prostitutes or acknowledging health care, quite frankly. Plus things they did that were rather devious such as putting their name on stuff that was not their own.....The "pornography" debate and the fact that porn actresses were kind of left out. Later on they spoke.....that they were unfairly viewed as victims and they considered themselves feminists. I can say now some of what I performed (I didn't write it) makes me squeamish now it felt kind of silly.....and that I am putting myself out there talking about this. That there is .....truthfully women in the sex industry are ghettoized by men and women alike and a lot of the stuff I have seen some of them do I would not do personally not even for money not even when I was desperate for cash.....I have my own internal conflict with this. I don't like.....I don't idealize them but there needs to be an honest acknowledgement of this and .....by talking about these women as either victims or damaged, lost souls is very insulting for one thing and by nor siding with them leaves so many out in the cold and leaves an unrealistic view of the world and ironically makes them all the more vulnerable to being victimized.
By that I mean.....being shunned on either side being sidelined.....they are unprotected. In a bad situation who is there to turn to? Go to the police if you're lucky you will get someone sympathetic but don't count on it. It's been said repeatedly for a reason the abuse, physical and sexual, by the police is a rampant problem I mean even if there are "good cops" it's unfortunately not enough. The stories are legion. Whatever other services are out there.....they.....are approached condescendingly no matter so many social workers mean well.....as people who are deviant, ill- adjusted....."nuts and sluts" .....slut-shamed? Who would willingly put themself through that? Like, ok, you really fucked up so off you go to be with others like you.....you're dirty somehow. Or lazy. But no.....you/they are not. Back in the days girls who got knocked up or in a bad situation were sent to convents its been written about, films like the Magdelene Sisters showed what happened.....no this does.....things happen for any number of reasons. I can't say I fully understand what put me in which place because I .....but they not knowing either aren't in a position to say .....
I apologize for any offense I don't take lightly or believe is right assasinating a political leader. .....I haven't more than skimmed through articles about "The Interview" or Kim Jong but I just thought it was a funny youtube video or satire not meant to be taken literally......
I have so much to say on this subject but being pressed for time.....and this is a book in itself.....I will do my best. I was sixteen when I read "The Feminine Mystique" was incredibly moved and became controversial in high school, and under attack, for bringing her up. So.....many things on this.....I found out years later that she was attacked in the second wave feminist movement as being too middle of the road, too "nice," a cleaned up Simone de Beauvoir. A lot of the things the radical feminists wrote were very inflammatory and they were under scrutiny and espionage by the FBI .....sad but honestly it's naive to assume every female is a "sister" and automatically take a person's word.....because female agents sat in on meetings then reported on what was happening to the agency.....nice, right? A nasty, devious and nefarious betrayal by their own. But Friedan was criticized by the far left for not being radical enough and equally by the far right for being a closet radical as she was involved in many "leftist" activities in the forties. When she said she had lived according to the feminine mystique she did and did not. Interestingly, she was living a life in the fifties similar to what "career moms" do now: juggling work and family and kids .....was fired from her newspaper job for being pregnant (that still goes on). She wrote ......one chapter if FM called "Progressive Dehumanization The Comfortable Concentration Camp" which was highly controversial but .....in my opinion one of the best. She wrote about women being confined to a .. .how do I say ....."dumbed down" environment and spending their days doing drudgery and monotonous tasks .....leaving no room for any kind of intellectual or mental growth. The problem, thirty some years later.....women entered the workforce..... the more conservatively minded upper middle class as lawyers and doctors......but yet someone still has to do the monotonous drudge work of cleaning. The bed will always have to be made.....so this is......I don't know how to say it nicely......relegated to other women poor women, many from minority backgrounds or the the third world. .......it's very disturbing to see........in Manhattan young white (blond) schoolchildren.......none of them are with their parents but with babysitters, most of them Latin or Carribean women.....I mean the world is what it is I understand the need for babysitters. I had them but they were local girls this in Evanston and I was in daycare.....I guess being from a middle class background I have to be honest the idea of being raised by nannies is ..... I don't like talking about this it's a really ugly subject...... I don't like saying these things but it's how it is .....I had two working parents and all was fine I can tell you. Speaking of high school......I suppose they meant well but guidance counselors and social workers were constantly telling me and parents how "traumatized" I am/was by moving to NYC and them (my parents) getting divorced. Divorce is not a nice thing but not the root of any crisis of mine. Nor is going to day care. I speak of this now because it's more the norm presently than not. The hypocrisy behind so many of these right wing women is coming to surface......they wrote or spoke in such a pious, supercilious tone and very, purposely dismissively.....yet who are they to criticize? I guess I don't go as easy on them because my generation was subjected to endless.......I read so much editorial and commentary that was both condemning, condescending and at best a sweeping and vague generalization.....often untrue.....
Sunday, January 04, 2015
Satan means "accuser" in Hebrew or "prosecuter." In French the defendant is called "l'accuse" the accused. Betty Friedan had a liberal or radical past and is the bane of right wing women and men to hear them talk about her she is the worst thing that ever happened in America.....I just read one strident article talking about her "communist" associations very much in the tone of witch hunts.....these people will dig up your dirt and every thing you've ever done in your life, albeit often illegally, wherever you jerked off......and throw that out there in a slanderous way to make you about to be a terrible person, a dangerous person. I mean these divisions on the left Democrat radical liberal moderate don't exist in their minds if you're to the left of Bill Clinton you are a communist nigger-loving (they don't say this) Yankee terrorist yeah huh..... reading this I also saw that this is how they view people like me.
Thursday, January 01, 2015
What I wrote I spent new years running on the beach my feet nearly froze. Things like toes you take for granted I nearly lost mine kept wiggling them to keep the blood going. Growing up in Chicago we learned to stave off frost bite but still I was in such pain my lungs burning trying to breathe in thru my nose all the stress.....when I got back to my room I was huffing and puffing and shaking for a good hour at least. I pulled off my sweaty bra and lay there shivering so grateful for warmth and shelter.....and before I knew it I was asleep for the .....I slept nonstop but the dreams I had were overwhelming.....I was smoking weed with Nathan from my teen years.....the room turned black and I passed out couldn't see then I woke up.....then I was in jail.....I actually was let out by a guard into the courtyard but I was.....I escaped but thought what if they catch me.....I went back (stupid) was ip and down stairs saying I don't know where my cell is asking cos I saw people naked put into cages cut up in tiny cages bleeding found my cell which floor then woke.....all this to do with j I have so many nightmares he must have instigated.