Monday, December 31, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
I come home only wanting to fall into bed but I am caring for five cats now.....it's kind of comic in a way but it's exhausting and endless. I have to spend an hour cleaning up after them....let's not even get into that.
I looked at my face in the mirror today. Outside. I looked ravaged; there's a big pimple scar and bags under my eyes and the stress shows. Everything, mostly, said about me is BS. People who know nothing about me try to paint my life in their own shades of interpretation, and I have to expend so much energy denying all of this.
And I've been reading up on the Manson family members, in particular Leslie van Houten and Susan Atkins. Personally, though I don't have time to go into this now; I think they deserve to be paroled. They've done their time and paid, and they've been good prisoners. Why did Robert Chambers get out after not even twenty years, and these women have been there almost forty? It's not right. They were brainwashed, at the time. Not to excuse what they did, but they've paid more than enough. I don't know when or if it'll happen.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
(I changed a little the original can be found on the radical cheerleaders web site)
BOP! smack! booty slap
RAISE YOUR FIST AND TAKE IT BACK!
hey ho, hey hey ho strippers have workers rights you know hey ho, hey hey ho hookers have workers rights you know the right to work alone, not with a pimp
to take the day off when you feel sick
to walk the streets day or night
free from violence free ta fight
no one forced me no one's exploiting me
I'm the only one who supports me
hey ho, hey hey ho
your ugly sexism has ta go bitch!
enough is enough! the cunts must rise up
didn't sleep today
gotta work my way so kiss the back of my butt
shake yer booty to the ground, turn it upside down!! cuz we had sex with annabel chong
so kiss the back of my butt kiss the back of my butt
Thursday, November 15, 2007
so I wait and wait, for the phone to ring, for him, waiting for him....it's hell it's hell and when he does arrive it's stupid and pointless yet I still want to see him it burns away at me how I want to see him I tried I tried I tried to disengage myself I did but I don't feel better only want to see him I wish I wouldn't couldn't care I just wish he were here I know it's crazy it's not love it's lust it's love maybe love is hell love is crazy love can destroy it's pain pain why didn't anyone tell me that?.....
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
here's another Colombian video for you.....
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
However, these men have done their bit as well. Reading about this stuff makes me....I don't want to use the word "hate" because I don't believe in it, but Bush is....oh he's so bad, so bad.....why is he on this earth? How could he be allowed to live with the rest of humanity? He's a murderer. And his administration. All this atrocity is happening to our own people and nothing is being done about it. Not right. Please people join the campaigns to stop this. However, there's hope. That prick got what was coming to him........
Friday, October 12, 2007
so of course this is overwhelming.
Monday, October 08, 2007
I don't know what it means, but I was a little freaked. The movie starts on September 12 which is my mom's birthday, and my mom is from Detroit. The actor Keith Gordon is so cute in it I just want to hug him and more............
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Favorite videos are: Janet Jackson: All for You, Brooke Hogan: About Us, Madonna and Britney Spears: Me Against the Music, Britney Spears: Overprotected, Michael Jackson (all, pretty much), Gwen Stephani: Rich Girl.........
As for books, right now I'm reading Autobiography of a Blue Eyed Devil by Inga Muscio. Pretty interesting--flawed but is making me understand a few things better. Part of me is thinking: tell me something I don't know. But actually, in some parts she is. We're living on stolen land among other things: it makes me think of all those happy "history" stories we were taught in school about Christopher Columbus and Pocohantas.
So I've been working constantly and am under the usual pressures it never is easy. But I'm making progress; it's slow and uphill but happening. I bought good chocolate and coffee to wake up to in the morning plus organic milk; I'm lucky to be able to enjoy these things! Still of course I need more, though. I really want to travel and am waiting for my passport not to mention for my health insurance to kick in. I have to deal with accountants. Yeck---I'd rather go to the dentist any day. But reading about all the suffering and misery of the world puts me in a foul place especially in the mornings. I feel angry and depressed. Then I get over it, sort of, for a while. I'm not really a happy person and can't understand all these peppy people around me. Maybe it's an illusion--but are they oblivious to what is around them? Right under their noses? That's what this book is talking about...........
Monday, September 24, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
hey you mr. harasser
come any closer I'm gonna kick your asser!
come up to me and gyrate
you think you have the right?
you don't have the right
cause I'm gonna stand up and fight
stand too close, lookin at me
you think you have the right?
you don't have the right
cause whose night is it, my night!
tired of your "scoring"
it's getting really boring
I don't get out of bed for you
so yeah you know what to do!
I'll modify some more.....later
and this, to the tune of American Life by Madonna
(regarding the two-facedness and censorship, we've been subject to; ....)
The New Morality (ok, the band SFA had an album with this title gotta give credit where it's due but I wrote my own version)
Do I have to change my words?
did I go too far?
do I have to make up lies?
will the camera make me a star?
I sometimes was a nun
I sometimes was a whore
I sometimes was a wreck
I had to be the best
I guess I did it wrong
that's why I'm singing this song
this new morality
is it for real?
this new morality
nothing is free
so I went to a meeting
looking for sympathy
a little company
another female friend
it's more easily said
it's always been this way
this new morality
is it for real
this new morality
nothing is free
I live the new morality
you are not what you seem
you are not just a dream
I tried to get ahead
tried to tell them off
tried to change them all
somehow I forgot
just who I did it for
and why I wanted more
this new morality
is it for real
this new morality
nothing is free
(the rap part I'm working on...hmm....suggestions?)
From the web site
boycott Procter & Gamble
P&G products to boycott
List up-to-date as of March 2006
Ace ~ laundry
Baldessarini ~ fragrance
Camay ~ soap
Daz ~ laundry
Eukanuba ~ pet food
Fairy ~ various cleaning products
Gillette ~ shaving products
Head & Shoulders ~ shampoos
IAMS ~ pet food
Jean Patou/Joy ~ fragrances
Lacoste ~ fragrance
Max Factor ~ make up
Nice n Easy ~ hair dye
Olay ~ skin care
Pampers ~ disposable nappies
Silvikrin ~ hair care
Tampax ~ feminine hygiene
Viakal ~ bathroom cleaner
Wash n Go ~ shampoo
Zest ~ soap
I'm so sick of people staring at me .................. or whatever it is. This may come as a shock, but I'm not out here to entertain you, at least not right now. Just because I'm out in public doesn't give you a right to invade my space which includes leering at me when I'm not responding to you--that in itself is a hint. I don't need whole families staring at me and smiling at me--I hate that, I really do--when I just want to be left to my own business. I know, I know, they're trying to be friendly and they're well-meaning. Sometimes, though--people's good intentions are worse than bad ones. Someone once made a comment that people's "friendliness" is a way of them asserting their power, something like that. It's the mask of friendliness. Beneath the exterior....if you don't respond then the niceness turns to anger and they call you a bitch or threaten you, sometimes. Is that a friend? Why should I be your friend? Why do you automatically assume that I'm grateful to have you in my life or that I even want you in it? What have you done for me? Even if they DO do something for me, that's a power gesture as well. A friendship is selfless....it's hard to attain and it's something that builds up over time. Only time will tell who is a friend and who is not. Why should I trust you? What have you done to prove your trustworthiness? People do have hidden agendas, at times. And furthermore, my life is none of your business. A true friend respects that--boundaries. You have to have standards--and privacy--that's a form of asserting your own power, or getting others to respect you. When someone has power over another and doesn't respect their boundaries--even if it's in a "friendly" way, or especially--that's a way of .............. It's worse when people say, "I'm only trying to be your friend," and appear hurt, innocent, bewildered.....than if they're outright hostile even though the hostility is underneath the surface. Underneath it all they're resentful, that you're doing something independent of them. Just my take on it. And the "innocence" on their part is a way to make themselves appear as nice even when they may not really be. Or maybe they are genuine--but I can tell when someone is and when someone isn't--when they are then I can forgive it and live with it; but many times they're not.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
I say I'm over him, but sometimes in my worse moods I think of him, imagine myself telling him to go lie down in front of a bus. Or worse. Sometimes I still feel that same anger. Other times, nothing. Not like, love, hate, anger....nothing.
I went to this anti war march today in dc. Just got back. I'm physically and mentally fatigued. People were arrested. I read the Tarot cards last night about this march, asking if I should go, and got the Devil card. One of the meanings of the Devil is imprisonment, or chains. I figured that was a way of saying arrests would be made. Thing is, this didn't go according to plan, to me. I ended up ditching these people I was with. It wasn't my intention. But one thing led to another and I ended up on the other side of town, in Chinatown. I had developed some.....complications that were making it almost impossible for me to jump up and down and cheer. I had to get medicine, and food. Not that I want to write about this much. But those are painful. I had to do something about it. The people I was with were not happy. I couldn't make a call because my phone died, and there was no way to even call from a pay phone. I couldn't really explain the whole story. I said I had some medical problems and I don't think I was believed. Not just that: it was a boring protest where people just sat in the grass, and there weren't enough crazy people or anarchists or artists people who make these things worthwhile. I give credit where it's due: so many people, including the war vets--who I really liked and have total respect and admiration for--I mean young guys who had returned from Iraq and Afghanistan--and others like me who sacrificed a part of their lives and money as well and woke at the crack of dawn to come down there and stand up for a cause they believe in and I'm not writing about them. They made this worth it and reassured me that, despite everything, I was doing the right thing. But the energy of this protest was democratic and these fucking speeches......how many is too many? Especially when I couldn't understand anyone. I can't get into camping out on the grass. Then my problem started flaring up and I couldn't ignore it and I needed coffee and food. I have to have coffee in the morning. I am a brat, I was a little bitch for what I did.....I really didn't mean to do it. But "it" wasn't there somehow. I don't know. Although it had its good moments.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
At G's party I got sick from these pills I took.....lay down on the bed listening to my own music they were playing like Ani di Franco and the smell of hot dogs....I begged G not to cook any more. I just felt miserable and not in my element I wanted to go home but didn't want to cancel out after he bought all this food and I was thinking, couldn't stop thinking, I hate s and everyone thinks he's wonderful but I can't leave....either....now G isn't picking up the phone...I couldn't sleep I was thinking I'm a terrible person I'm.....
the old saying, she's walking around after x time, she must be a slut, she must want it badly, she must be looking for it. it's never, she just wants to take a walk on her own, so leave her alone. it's worse than ever. I don't remember, even as a teenager, ever getting this on the street. speaking of walking around day or night, this is what I get day and night. I've said before, in other parts of the world women walk around at all hours. for the record, I'm not safe even in my own apartment. Well, I tried to make this work but I have no control over so many things. It's too big a mouthful for me to chew. you get less and less sympathetic....toward people who don't do anything to help themselves. And that kind of nastiness, like that comment that girl made......don't get me wrong: girls of all races do this. They're vicious, nasty, I don't hang around women much. But it's a terrible blow, one I will never get used to, when people you're trying to help turn on you. ONe thing I've learned is that people aren't grateful....they hate you for illuminating things, for showing them the way. From so many of the writings I read from the sixties, so many women thought a feminist revolution was around the corner, that all women, including the "other woman," would all unite and change the world in their favor. But it didn't happen. Why is that? Even back as a teenager....in New York I could walk around at any hour and be more or less left alone, with a few exceptions. yes, there were some comments. And Chicago was far worse than here. This guy was like, "Hey pretty. Hi. What's wrong, you antisocial?" I know I could confront him, but all I'll ever be doing is confronting people. I don't want to fight with people, though I know after everything there is no one trustworthy except well my family, really. I am sick of fighting. What I want is not different from what anyone else wants, or at least the average sane person. But I need to live somewhere where I can walk around, including at night. Why do people think a woman who walks around at night is horny or something, deserving.....why is it never that she is walking around because that is normal, really? It is. It's healthy. It's not healthy to sit around cooped up all day. Most women are cooped up all the time and it weakens and eventually destroys them. Forgive me for not wanting to be that way. I am a night person. It'll never change.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Danae is a dedicated activist and she deserves all the support that she deserves.
Jail support needed for California activist, Danae Kelley!
California activist, Danae Kelley was arrested after a legal demonstration in San Diego over the weekend. (13 others were detained but then released without charges just as Danae should have been.) Phone calls need to be made on her behalf. Please call the San Diego Central Jail and ask when she will be released.
Danae Kelley [ Booking #7762437] is at the Las Colinas Detention Facility--
Please call 619-258-3176 & ask when she'll be released and if she's getting vegan food.
San Diego Central Jail: 619-615-2700, push 1 for English, 0, then 2.
Repost/ Call often.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Saturday, August 11, 2007
My first day in biology I wanted to know....why people slit their wrists when they wanted to die. Why there? I didn't understand that that is where the artery is.....but if I had to choose a method of death it'd probably be that. Maybe I wouldn't want to die in my sleep.....I'd want to know it's happening. This woman told me the best way to die is to bleed to death....because it had happened to her...somehow...and she was actually floating around the room....but then she was given a shock to the heart which brought her back....and I imagine was painful.....I am morbid. I have that side of me. I was reading about people who have vampiric tendencies and I think I'm one of them. I do have a fascination with blood. I am a night person. I'm anemic. I'm pale, with pale eyes. Maybe I'm not all Leo but have Scorpio tendencies in me.....So my biology teacher told my parents about the questions I asked in class. I was well meaning deep down but terribly confused. Plus, maybe I was born into the wrong family, the wrong era, I don't know. Or maybe it was meant to be....I was the loop thrown in. I wouldn't want me, for a kid. No worries.....I am not looking to leave this life anytime soon.
All this obsession comes from reading too much Margaret Atwood. I'm obsessed with the book The Robber Bride.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Walking up to his house. I'm coming toward the door.....
He comes out......wearing.....well, nothing.....
Are you insane? Someone could see you.....but it's night time.
Isn't he hot? I was looking for someone to share his big black cock......it' s the six E pills I took earlier.........
Sunday, August 05, 2007
At the same time, I've been fighting hard and for what? I'm going to start looking into one way plane tickets to California, because as long as I have to live in this country I can't live here. I'm done. I had the same problems in Philly, though not nearly as many in DC or Boston. I really, really can't take this and if I'm going to stay sane I have to get out of here. This neighborhood is a dump and fucked up and I'm sorry, but this doesn't happen in nicer parts. I don't like the inhumanity of gentrification but I .....I do ....I don't know, maybe if it's a bunch of white frat boys or something, yes, they come from all walks of life. I just know this is where I am and it's unbearable. I have to get out. I have to say this is unusually bad....I didn't get this even in Cairo. I don't know how people take it, I won't. I'm done. Done. There are almost no redeeming qualities about this place.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Also nothing is ever enough all I do is work but it's never right somehow. Is it...there are many theories as to why. Some of it is beyond my control. Some isn't. Always an0ther mistake--
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
I could be, I suppose, how do I put this delicately, mistaken for one of the "yuppies" moving into the neighborhood. Honestly, I ......I don't see how on earth heaven or hell I could ever be seen as one of these people the same ones who threw Doritos at me in elementary school.......I sure am convincing. As for gentrification (there are many euphemisms going around).......I don't miss living in fear--I guess all of NYC was like this before it was "cleaned up." Other cities around the world are safer, though, and the people there aren't rich. I am as unyuppie as they come, believe me. I could have been one at one point but instead I became a --------- think I am.............and those same people--not that they ever accepted me to begin with--spit me out, pretty much. So that's why I'm pissed off at constantly--being treated like one of them, when I'm not. I've been called a princess and a spoiled brat and Britney Spears (even though I have nothing against her, really--I like her videos, truly), and "conventional" a "teenager" --I swear that's what this guy would say to me in junior high school. Well, uh, gee, actually I WAS a teenager, but he would say to me, "I'll be you like the Cure." In fact, I didn't like the Cure. Last night someone threw a stick at me (last night) from their car and it's true.....I grew up without money or many nice clothes, while the other girls around me had closets full of designer jeans and sweaters. They could go shopping at the drop of a hat, and didn't understand why I couldn't. It's not only hurtful, it's wrong and infuriating-- Whatever you do, DON'T call me those things. Why can't --it couldn't get more obvious. Go direct your aggression at the real thing.
So walking home these guys were saying to me, "Hey blondie. Nice legs. Come here. Hey mami...." and I don't consider myself blonde even--
why am I being mixed up with these "other" people? Am I that convincing? I should be getting cast more if my act is that good.
Monday, July 16, 2007
That said, I'm really upset right now. Last year, I went with some women from the Redstockings group up to Albany, to the NOW conference, to campaign for them to endorse our resolution for universal health care, supporting HR 676. Long story short, everyone I talked to, collecting signatures, supported this. But when we got to the floor, these women, who it doesn't take a genius to guess they must have had an ax or two to grind, basically ripped our resolution to shreds, changing key words like "independence" to "security," taking out the word "men," and other things like that. They also nitpicked over small things, and got very hostile toward us, but what it comes down to is they weren't going to support anything that eliminated (another word they took out) health insurance companies. One can guess why they felt so strongly about this. Even though we had a huge consensus among the masses of women (and men) there, when it came down to those in charge this was too cutting edge, or something. It was a real struggle to get other groups I was involved in to attend meetings about this subject or take any interest in this. Now that Michael Moore's movie is out, which makes pretty much (I haven't seen it but I can guess I think) the same argument, this is on the table, this subject, and those people who wouldn't come to a Redstockings meeting are railing against the US system of health care and shocked at how much better, you could say, it is in pretty much the rest of the world.
So I was in the store, and some people.....white, probably like upper middle class, people you wouldn't have seen in this store in Brooklyn even a year ago, were .....this guy was talking about how he did French theater, or something. It was him, another guy, and a young woman. This guy starts going on a rant, "Michael Moore is an asshole! He just throws stuff together and ....." makes something like "what he calls a documentary....." and then he was talking about how the European system is failing and crumbling, a basic myth that Redstockings pretty much discredited.....you could say that's propaganda.....and this woman had a look of horror on her face, like it must be really awful, we're really under attack now.....America.
A few months ago, I went to this gym in Brooklyn Heights, the first and last time I'll ever set foot in there. There were these (probably) rich white women in there, and one of them was saying something like, "And he wanted me to operate on him, and had this attitude...." and another woman said, "What kind of insurance did he have?" And she said, "Awful insurance." And this woman said sarcastically, "Medicaid!" And the other said, "It was worse than Medicaid...." and I was so offended at this conversation. I don't use Medicaid, but I know people who do, and I know what it's like to have to basically go through volumes of paperwork and, as a self-employed single woman, prove that I deserve health insurance, pretty much. Redstockings made this whole argument about how health care is a feminist issue, yet it's being attacked by women--they for whatever reason worship this system we have like it's God; it's almost sexual, their devotion to the American way. How are we ever supposed to progress if this is how things are? Women hold women back. What can I say? I've dealt with this all my life. But they do.
I have hope. But I can't ignore this, the fact that .....I mean so many women who are feminist don't want to go on this subject or criticize women or say that they oppress other women because that would be suggesting that they deserve to be second class, or something like that, or that solidarity should be unconditional, uncompromising, and that we should view women as nothing less than unyielding, fighting. Well, what can I say? That simply hasn't been my experience. They're not revolutionaries, most of them. They're just not. Am I being mean? It's not out of a desire to attack that I'm writing this, it's just my experience. They just don't want change, not major change. They don't try to change things.
I realize most of the men I fall for tend to be gay or bisexual. When I was a teenager I spent a great deal of time in the gay and lesbian community and still do, even though I am mostly straight. Occasionally I'll be interested in a female but I am very picky; I pretty much prefer men. I don't ....in this film Sorority Boys this girl says, "I thought by going to the other side I'd be getting away from all this. It's exactly the same story." Maybe so. But I don't identify with straight culture, I don't have that many straight friends. And I....I can't stand most straight men. I just can't trust them. They've never given me any reason to. Even my exes would go after anyone who was the far side of attractive, even if they were my friends. They didn't even wait for me to leave the room....then they wondered why I ended things with them. I can't see myself in a relationship. I hear the same story from one woman after another about what men did to them. What will I do about this? I can't live this way, you know? I'm just in a foul mood. Maybe I shouldn't be writing here, maybe I should keep these thoughts private. They're not nice ones. But life is not always nice. Maybe I should go to the movies more, I need to treat myself, in small ways.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Below is an email I got from them. Brrr....it's cold in here, you know safe sex is gonna disappear.....
It’s time for your senator to get in the ring.
We're in a fight against anti-choice senators to pass the Reproductive Health and Privacy Protection Act (RHAPP) and we need your pro-choice senator in our corner.
We’ve already targeted a number of anti-choice senators in our campaign; now it’s time for round two. We need to come out swinging hard; with a left hook from Western New York, a right jab from the Catskills, and a strong punch from New York City. But your senator must join lead bill sponsor Senator Andrea Stewart-Cousins (D-Westchester) and become a co-sponsor of the RHAPP Act.
Your senator has been with us on choice issues in the past; it's time for him or her to get in the ring for RHAPP. Send a letter today urging your state senator to join the bout and knock out the anti-choice voices in the Senate.
| Visit the web address below to tell your friends about sending a letter to your state senator. |
|If you received this message from a friend, you can sign up for NARAL Pro-Choice America's Choice Action Network.|
Friday, July 13, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
But so I'm pro-choice, I've never been pregnant, which is good because I have never been ready. It would have been disastrous if I had been. But here's a site: I'm not sorry.net.
she (b) said, "I'm outing you as a psychological terrorist. It's going to the papers tomorrow, and there's not one mother****ing thing you can do about it....."
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
I don't like translations of songs; they seldom sound right. Songs were meant to be sung in the language they were written in. With foreign, non-English speaking artists this always happens: a mediocre (in my opinion) version is sung on the radio because it's assumed no one in this country wants to hear anything other than English. I'm starting to learn Spanish now....maybe listen to Latin stations?
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Friday, July 06, 2007
I am so disturbed that we have to fight so hard just to keep abortion legal....this just in from NARAL (and you expect me to be fucking patriotic when the leaders of this nation are telling me what to do with my own body?):
As you celebrate your independence and freedom this week of 4th of July, one more candidate is about to enter the presidential race who is bent on taking away a woman's right to choose: Fred Thompson.
Thompson joins a cadre of candidates who are clamoring to out anti-choice each other.
Mitt Romney has said, "I am pro-life and I support pro-life legislation.... I think the Roe v. Wade one-size-fits-all approach is wrong."
Sen. John McCain, who has voted anti-choice 123 times out of 128 votes on choice, has said "I do not support Roe v. Wade. I think it should be overturned."
And Sen. Sam Brownback has gone so far as to promise that he "will commit to helping end abortion in America...."
Don't be fooled - Fred Thompson is no better. During his seven years in the U.S. Senate, he voted anti-choice 44 times out of 46 choice-related issues. He has called Roe v. Wade "bad law" and received a 100 percent voting record from the National Right to Life Committee.
Anything can happen between now and the nomination, so stay up-to-date about where the presidential candidates stand on women's freedom and privacy.
Visit our website to find out where all the presidential candidates stand and then forward this message to your pro-choice friends and family.
This 4th of July, don't miss the chance to celebrate your freedom and independence!
My best, Nancy KeenanPresident, NARAL Pro-Choice America
© 2007 NARAL Pro-Choice America ®. All rights reserved.
Paid for by NARAL Pro-Choice America, www.ProChoiceAmerica.org, and not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee. NARAL Pro-Choice America is a non-profit organization.We respect your privacy and will not share your e-mail address.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
I was militant. A neohippie. Sort of. That mixed with female drag queen, and....I don't know. New Wave? Punk? I never identified with the Sex Pistols and everyone around me worshipped them.
I dropped acid all the time. I'd trip to Led Zeppelin and Srt. Peppers. Later I found out this was .....occult music. And I was flipped out on it. No wonder I lost it, then, briefly.
But ultimately it led to change. Why should I regret it? I was miserable beyond words at Stuyvesant. I was a bad student, hated school and didn't care about college. I was a long way off from that track. I wanted to perform!
So I switched to an alternative high school, took acting lessons, and became an actress. And fooled around with -----, who I later found out....I can't write about this here (whisper: dug up a skull, literally)....but he was the only one I'd been with who I ever felt anything with sexually......
Then I realized it's twenty, thity years later and I discovered punk.....but never totally meshed with that culture.
Then radical cheerleading.....
I never returned to drugs. Though I would like to try E again.....
So some of the videos: Michael Jackson's Thriller, Madonna, all of them! particularly I love the Papa Don't Preach, and....Gwen Stefani....Janet Jackson....the guy in that video looks like someone I fooled around with last year.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Someone in SHP once wrote about how we struggle so hard for positive change only to be brutally stabbed in the back by people we're trying to help.....and how....harsh again, there are better people to save and we should run the scumbags over, something to that effect. I don't want to be mean. But sadly, I've found that the struggle in any attempt at social justice is in realizing you're dealing with people who are not perfect, who may not be all innocent. Does that mean they deserve to be oppressed? Of course not.
I want to be forgiving, I don't want to walk around with anger and bitterness, et al. But the new philosophy and mentality I want to live with is one of compassion, and any religion that teaches otherwise is not one I want to go near. Still, maybe some people are really not worth saving, maybe they do deserve revenge. I can't let myself be hurt and even destroyed by someone who only lives for herself, who will never know what my life is like or any thing about me whatever, and yet feels entitled to make a judgment call or....always, always it turns to this, try to dominate me. When I stand my ground and refuse to take it, they somehow disappear, then they see themselves as the victims. It's never them, always others.
There were someone women in the feminist movement who tried to suppress any criticism of other women, or dismiss it, saying that women are really in solidarity together and united against sexism, and that to depict women in a negative light means you're negative, or that it will tarnish their image to the world and make it harder for progress to occur....things like that. It means not criticizing or openly saying anything that makes them less than a shining example of goodness. Well, wrongful behavior is wrongful, no matter who it's coming from, and I can't accept it or be silent about it. I can't lie to myself or to the world. This is the truth about what we're dealing with. The thing is though, I see that becoming equally negative is not the answer, so do I have to be cruel to be kind? Enough with the guilt?
As it is, I've lost my ipod, my shoes, and my coffee mug all within the past two days. I nearly lost my cell phone but got that back, at least.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Let me tell you something: I am not in a relationship, I DON'T want one....can't conceive of one. "Fuck buddies" is a term invented by men, to get free sex, sans responsibility. Society does not oppress women, nor is it the media: something non-living can't oppress. Men oppress women, men value youth and beauty in women, not intelligence or integrity. Sadly, though...I have to admit, integrity is good, but face it, it's hard to feel attraction to someone who isn't at least marginally good looking.
My birthday is coming up. I am getting older, but I still think I'm fairly attractive. But women are still dominated by men. Relationship, the ones I've been in, are a form of slavery. Prostitutes are mostly freer than respectable women. I used to think there was hope, that men would change, that they weren't this bad, but sadly .....well I don't think they'll change. We're deluded. I'm much happier not in a relationship.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Is it crazy or is it too close to the truth? Why deny what I feel, people already know.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Not to compare, but I prefer Dot Allison's stuff to Bjork maybe just because Bjork comes across as an annoying snot nose....plus her alleged remarks about feminism made me mad. But also Dot Allison's stuff sounds more.....painful or someting. I don't know....I want to "like" people but DA in this pic also has the stargods look....maybe the niceness is all an act.
I'm super drunk now. I passed out and dreamt of Candyland (a creepy game....when I got it as a birthday present around age two or so, the woman who bought it for me whispered to my mother, "It's really boring." My mother thought that was funny cause it's like, that goes without saying. But Candyland seems almost....evil. My friend said it's a child molester game.....
then I dreamt of f and s and f became s then turned into a cone head....
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
I just had to get this off my chest. It needs to be said.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
But the rain has soothed me a little. Today was like an oven and my room was hotter than an oven, or at least felt like it. I'm on the west side of the apartment, and the sun beats down into my window after about 1PM. What I don't understand is why my room, and my side of the apartment, was so cold in the winter, and is now so hot in the summer. I like the heat, and shut my windows at night, but this was too much even for me. Plus, my fan broke.
But on another note, I got a new free ipod in the mail after the one I had broke. I started running in Prospect Park which is rough at times, because it's so hilly, but it's so nice to breathe in grass and trees, and the park is beautiful. When I lived around there 10 years ago it was dicey....there's a good and bad side to most things I suppose. I'm going to be part of a dance there....plus probably going to the Mermaid Parade.....SO psyched! Moby was at the last one.
Here are some pix from a recent crazy audition, and this was crazy. All of us waiting in the rain by the seaport....
this rain is so welcome. I need to get out and enjoy it a little, after roasting all day.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Was I censored? Even at the age of seven, ten, eleven? I think maybe....maybe people are born with certain personalities.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Monday, June 04, 2007
So, thank Heaven, my cats were ok, the place was ok, no one was there. That took 30 minutes out of the night, though. I don't know who left the door open, probably an accident, but enough is enough. I can't live this way. A guy in the street yelled at me, "Hey, nice legs" as I went to call Garrett. Another guy was smirking at me. Yeah, my life, my blood is fucking amusing to you? I refuse to go another day like this. Maybe I will move to Cali if I stay in this decrepit slime fucking pit of a country. I'm done. I'm done. I've said this before, but these problems don't exist in Germany, in Egypt, in so many other places. Maybe it's worse elsewhere. But you hear about how a woman shouldn't go out after 1AM or else she's asking for it, that kind of thing. Granted, it's not smart, but the burden shouldn't be on us. There are other alternatives to not going out, not wearing a skirt, or whatever. It's fucking not acceptable. It needs to end. These men talked to me like I deserved this treatment. No more. I'm done with this.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Ok I'm irritable, now. This guy kept leering at me in the street while I was on my way to an audition, and I lost it. "Don't bother me!" I screamed at him. Why do these men think they have a right? I was hungry and tired. I finally found a place selling veggie burgers, fries and cocktails, to go. But there were people everywhere and nowhere to eat....I can't eat in crowded places. It was raining, my umbrella broke, but I finally climbed the stairs and found a quiet spot. So now I'm waiting for my audition time. I still want to socialize. I love going to auditions but I just wanted to fall asleep, earlier. Now, I feel insatiably hungry. It's a vampire syndrome? My moon sign is Virgo, and sun sign Leo. Virgo moon is a tough one. We're just not a content, easygoing lot. I'm always critical, of myself and others. I'm never at ease. I'm not happy, all that much. I find fault, everywhere. I tried raspberry tea but it tasted awful....I took one sip and threw the rest in the sink. Walks? Yoga? I ate French fries and a whole chocolate bar today. Guilt. I can feel the fat piling on. But in this neighborhood there's not much in the way of healthy. Pretty soon my audition time will come up....actually not pretty soon. I brought a book, called Loose Change, by Sara Davidson. The characters are pretty conventional but it's entertaining, kind of like Jane Austen in the 60s. I'm going on a spin here.....
What is there here that's non fattening and vegetarian? Cole slaw? That has mayonaise. This is the dilemma I deal with every day. I'm not naturally thin. It's a struggle, all the time.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Maybe I'm a whiner. But large crowds and gatherings can terrify me, especially these "bar" beer drinking get togethers. The men are aggressive, and I've been so hurt by men, over and over....insulted, degraded, stamped into a corner. Women are bad too, in different ways. It's like there's nowhere I can go. I don't know who to trust and who not to trust. I know I shouldn't feel this way, we're taught to be loving and open....but it's not always that simple. I'm going on a rant. I grew up an only child. I wasn't raised around a lot of people my own age. I am used to having a lot of space to myself, and privacy. I'm not a group person. I can't stand people staring into my eyes and walking into me, which happens all the time in this town. I am realizing now the damage done to me, though, by mostly men. It's like the same ugliness over and over. I've had problems with women; mainly women who are devoted to these same men and who stand by them, defend them. It all comes down to the same thing: conservatism. Or is it? No, I don't believe in Mr. Right or relationships and I, right now, never want another one. Men cheat, most of them, or eventually want to move on. Men still dominate women, still control them. People, women, let men off the hook and blame society, or "the media" but society and media are comprised of people and dominated by men. There's a statement by Redstockings: "Institutions do not oppress; they are merely tools of the oppressor." Most women aren't radical. Most of them defend men. Progress is agonizingly slow, for that reason.