oh lovelies

Monday, December 31, 2007

dreading tonight

I am not a fan of New Years Eve and I know all it's going to be is people everywhere getting shitfaced and worse. Plus, a mess. Plus, annoying people. I'm not feeling festive right now and the astrological chart for today is not good. Maybe it's PMS but I'm feeling down, now. But I'll try to be upbeat.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

xmas another year!

Good but tiring, expensive and stressful for all involved. Not easy on anyone. But....it went well with no family fights and I love presents and the atmosphere of it. My mother's a great cook and I really feasted heavily............still; I'm happy to be back to normal life. And to get out of there, honestly. They drove me home and seemed horrified at Brooklyn and my surroundings. What can I do? At least I'm taking care of myself, you know? I love them, but we're different.

Sunday, December 23, 2007


is it good or bad all this stuff--nails, cleaning stuff, hand soap, degreaser, get laundry ready for the cleaning lady, sniff a tiny bit of blow before running, run up the endless miserable brooklyn hills, rain getting in my eyes and i wear contacts, all the way to no man's land in red hook, seagulls flying around what must be corpses in the river, see a friend who smokes the rest of my weed..................this area; isolated, empty, separate from the rest of new york, what used to be junkies, squatters, and is slowly becoming artists and "yuppies" I swear there's no end to them------- and they all look the same, all these women have the same hair and wear the same thing I've never seen anything like it---- ever-- walk miles in the rain to my favorite pasta place in brooklyn heights, finally, after endless walking up more hills I get there, eat, go to connetitcut muffin for a cafe mocha with skim milk, get on a crowded bus, get off early because I can't take the crowd, walk home in the rain............

Monday, December 17, 2007

so what is going on

I've been neglecting this I know. just been so frantic, so hard to keep up with everything.

I come home only wanting to fall into bed but I am caring for five cats now.....it's kind of comic in a way but it's exhausting and endless. I have to spend an hour cleaning up after them....let's not even get into that.

I looked at my face in the mirror today. Outside. I looked ravaged; there's a big pimple scar and bags under my eyes and the stress shows. Everything, mostly, said about me is BS. People who know nothing about me try to paint my life in their own shades of interpretation, and I have to expend so much energy denying all of this.

And I've been reading up on the Manson family members, in particular Leslie van Houten and Susan Atkins. Personally, though I don't have time to go into this now; I think they deserve to be paroled. They've done their time and paid, and they've been good prisoners. Why did Robert Chambers get out after not even twenty years, and these women have been there almost forty? It's not right. They were brainwashed, at the time. Not to excuse what they did, but they've paid more than enough. I don't know when or if it'll happen.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

this speaks for itself

thanks to indymedia for updating us on this.

Pretty disturbing, but also reassuring; that people will go to these lengths to defend what they think is right.

Friday, November 23, 2007

wipe the tape clean?

That's an expression in this book The Robber Bride where a woman is told that to forget someone who screwed them over. I try to do this with db I try I try I tell myself this I try try to put him behind me but why can't I? Why does he just keep coming back? I see the number of his address everywhere. I think about stabbing him he stabs me it's hell, so painful. Wipe the tape clean! She says in the book. But the other one can't, she says you've never had a dose of this person. If it were that simple I'd have done it. Sometimes I want to stab myself to get rid of this feeling. To feel something else. This is a perpetual dull knife twisting in me. When will it ever go away? I've had bad experiences with other guys but I moved on and forgot them. Why is it not happening with him?

Sunday, November 18, 2007

hey ho hey hey ho
no more free sex for you
no more lies our past is ours
free love is ours
so pay up pay up

sex work cheer

Sex workers union cheer::: sent by Mary Xmas

(I changed a little the original can be found on the radical cheerleaders web site)
BOP! smack! booty slap
hey ho, hey hey ho strippers have workers rights you know hey ho, hey hey ho hookers have workers rights you know the right to work alone, not with a pimp
to take the day off when you feel sick

to walk the streets day or night
free from violence free ta fight
no one forced me no one's exploiting me

I'm the only one who supports me
hey ho, hey hey ho
your ugly sexism has ta go bitch!
enough is enough! the cunts must rise up
didn't sleep today
gotta work my way so kiss the back of my butt
shake yer booty to the ground, turn it upside down!! cuz we had sex with annabel chong

so kiss the back of my butt kiss the back of my butt

Thursday, November 15, 2007

so some performers

at the odebs are good some awesome awesome individuals are there......but this one....I don't know if they were a couple or what......they got up with their accoustic guitars they were SO pretentious and annoying one of them said to the sound guy something like, "Can you turn up the reverb on the mike?" Jesus, who do they think they are? At the Bowery Poetry Club open mike whoaaaa ....and their annoying "folk" songs a la Suzanne Vega with these lyrics like....those folkie ones like, "And her eyes are in my dreams.....Lisa walks into a coffee shop and sits next to the window...." I know am I harsh? I'm too bad, sometimes.....


I started going to the o debra twins open mike never thought it'd have such a profound impact on my life so much has happened you just never know where things will take you. I met this guy at Veselka who is homeless, apparently, young, seems nice. I felt sorry for him and let him stay at my place one night and he wouldn't leave me alone. He didn't force himself or anything just kept coming on to me....then I read this article on sociopaths and con artists and how they play on sympathy and come from far away places and thought is this him?

so I wait and wait, for the phone to ring, for him, waiting for him....it's hell it's hell and when he does arrive it's stupid and pointless yet I still want to see him it burns away at me how I want to see him I tried I tried I tried to disengage myself I did but I don't feel better only want to see him I wish I wouldn't couldn't care I just wish he were here I know it's crazy it's not love it's lust it's love maybe love is hell love is crazy love can destroy it's pain pain why didn't anyone tell me that?.....

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

ground zero destroyed my ipod

whoever is responsible for the WTC disaster owes me a new ipod. It was working fine until I brought it down by the river when I was dogsitting for my mom's dog and it just up and died. Now it won't turn on....just black. It's the hauntings of that area it must be. Creepy right? But now I have no music, and I need that!

here's another Colombian video for you.....

in the year of our lord 1992

KLF seriously check out this video these guys are geniuses. I listened to this tape thousands of times.....

I'm getting addicted to you tube

my youtube debut

me and all my brilliance

there'll be more to come.........

Thursday, November 01, 2007


I love you; deep down I believe you're a good person with the best intentions. I have that tenderness toward you as much as I'd like to ....well, not like you. I made excuses, told her I was busy/working...........thing is, you made your decision; I made mine. Don't try to come between me and my choices, you who know nothing about my life. Or at least relatively little. I appreciate your caring for me but all that nearly did me in. I can't be around you.

happy 'ween! and all saint's day

This one was crazy crazy I went to two far out awesome parties last night but I have to say I feel "cleansed" in a weird way. Stuff that normally stresses me out doesn't so much, now. I got dressed up as a turn of the century tart I bought this costume in one of those all night sex shops. It was pricey but ultimately worth it....I had entertained a fantasy of performing in one of those for a while now. It made me highly fuckable.....interesting, because I so rarely really dress up. Now I'm back to sweats........and feeding the cats..............

Wednesday, October 31, 2007


I lost my cell phone. I think I left it in my friend's car. I went to the trouble and expense of buying a halloween costume but this thing I wanted to go to in dc I guess it's not going to happen. There's more but I don't want to go into it here. So now I'm drinking some wine to calm my nerves. :)

Monday, October 29, 2007

hypocrisy, misogyny and poetic justice

bastards. Will get very emotional on this issue: prostitution arrests. I know there are male hookers, but too many are female and the arrest of someone for selling sex is a form of discrimination; an attempt to control a woman's body in the same way anti abortion laws do. The fact that there are women who support these acts really scratches at me....all the time. Also considering the lack of support from women who call themselves radical feminists for any measures to improve the lives of sex workers; instead standing behind the "swedish model" I mean I don't think this would have happened in the 60s and 70s, or among the original Redstockings members. How fucking dare anyone come down on or judge anyone else for their sexual behavior? I mean what is done behind closed doors. Women are stupid, much of the time, and hurt other women and keep them down.

However, these men have done their bit as well. Reading about this stuff makes me....I don't want to use the word "hate" because I don't believe in it, but Bush is....oh he's so bad, so bad.....why is he on this earth? How could he be allowed to live with the rest of humanity? He's a murderer. And his administration. All this atrocity is happening to our own people and nothing is being done about it. Not right. Please people join the campaigns to stop this. However, there's hope. That prick got what was coming to him........

Friday, October 12, 2007

am going to be productive; not going to f around

making lists. I get home and want to fall into bed.....so often I do. But there's, you know, all the other stuff.....and that's what tortures me because it's so much work and so stressful. Like I'm thinking of all the things I'm looking for: more travel; like to South America, back to Egypt, back to Europe; do I want to stay in NYC (good and bad qualities) or move to LA/Egypt/London/Berlin/Barranquilla......or go back to school full time; study philosophy and Spanish; buy a car; dance; make an album; make a dance piece; a play; write more articles.....buy a place; ect ect ect.....speak Spanish/German/French fluently....

so of course this is overwhelming.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Christine following me?

so I got obsessed with that film. Today, as I was leaving the gym after dealing with these two ANNOYING women/girls.....I saw this car that could have been the one in Christine. I had just been thinking about it, too. The same design, red, dated--no way it's from this era--

I don't know what it means, but I was a little freaked. The movie starts on September 12 which is my mom's birthday, and my mom is from Detroit. The actor Keith Gordon is so cute in it I just want to hug him and more............

Thursday, October 04, 2007

running, movies and reading

So I figured out how to put films and music videos on my ipod and so this is what gets me through running on the treadmill. I usually get to the gym tired, in a bad mood and hungry--just wanting to crawl back into bed or else eat. I watched the film Christine today--once in a while a film grabs me by the tit and won't let go and this is one of them. Steven King and John Carpenter are brilliant as is the acting, mainly by the lead.

Favorite videos are: Janet Jackson: All for You, Brooke Hogan: About Us, Madonna and Britney Spears: Me Against the Music, Britney Spears: Overprotected, Michael Jackson (all, pretty much), Gwen Stephani: Rich Girl.........

As for books, right now I'm reading Autobiography of a Blue Eyed Devil by Inga Muscio. Pretty interesting--flawed but is making me understand a few things better. Part of me is thinking: tell me something I don't know. But actually, in some parts she is. We're living on stolen land among other things: it makes me think of all those happy "history" stories we were taught in school about Christopher Columbus and Pocohantas.

So I've been working constantly and am under the usual pressures it never is easy. But I'm making progress; it's slow and uphill but happening. I bought good chocolate and coffee to wake up to in the morning plus organic milk; I'm lucky to be able to enjoy these things! Still of course I need more, though. I really want to travel and am waiting for my passport not to mention for my health insurance to kick in. I have to deal with accountants. Yeck---I'd rather go to the dentist any day. But reading about all the suffering and misery of the world puts me in a foul place especially in the mornings. I feel angry and depressed. Then I get over it, sort of, for a while. I'm not really a happy person and can't understand all these peppy people around me. Maybe it's an illusion--but are they oblivious to what is around them? Right under their noses? That's what this book is talking about...........

Monday, September 24, 2007

so I was followed, yet again

walking home on Myrtle Ave when I went out to get some dinner. This Mexican guy in a yellow shirt was walking behind me (this another reason why I can't stand people walking closely behind me) and he turned when I turned. The street was getting darker, and I had my suspicions about him because ....well, I could just tell. I started walking closer to Myrtle, turned around and saw him staring at me, and yelled out, "Is there some reason why you're following me?" I started walking back and said, "I'm gonna fucking report you." Actually I yelled it. These Orthodox men saw me and were staring at both of us. I ended up walking the long way back to my place. I had to go out of my way because of this idiot. I don't know what his motives were; if he was trying to flirt or get under my skin or something worse. You don't know their intentions until it's too late. I wasn't dressed at all attractive: I couldn't have looked much frumpier. I was wearing jeans, a jean jacket, my hair in a ponytail....and sneakers. The same Converse that are de rigeur at all of these cheering/protests I've gone to and around the hip/activist communities...but I looked pretty butch, really. I was feeling unattractive, too. And I was in a bad mood. I don't want to say anything that will put anyone in a bad place, but I was feeling let down by men and women. Between what David B did and ....well, I could go on and on.....but women are just as bad; they're vindictive and vicious and I just feel like there's no one out there, really. There's no one to turn to. I don't know why women are so hostile to me, why I make them so angry. I can see it in their eyes and feel it. Out of the blue, they're this way. Maybe they have borderline personality disorder or any number of things. Maybe it isn't me; it's them. I'm trying not to........

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

new harassment cheer

made this up on the spot

hey you mr. harasser
come any closer I'm gonna kick your asser!

come up to me and gyrate
you think you have the right?
you don't have the right
cause I'm gonna stand up and fight

stand too close, lookin at me
you think you have the right?
you don't have the right
cause whose night is it, my night!

tired of your "scoring"
it's getting really boring
I don't get out of bed for you
so yeah you know what to do!

I'll modify some more.....later

and this, to the tune of American Life by Madonna

(regarding the two-facedness and censorship, we've been subject to; ....)

The New Morality (ok, the band SFA had an album with this title gotta give credit where it's due but I wrote my own version)

Do I have to change my words?
did I go too far?
do I have to make up lies?
will the camera make me a star?

I sometimes was a nun
I sometimes was a whore
I sometimes was a wreck
I had to be the best

I guess I did it wrong
that's why I'm singing this song

this new morality
is it for real?
this new morality
nothing is free

so I went to a meeting
looking for sympathy
a little company
another female friend
it's more easily said
it's always been this way
this new morality
is it for real
this new morality
nothing is free

new morality
I live the new morality
you are not what you seem
you are not just a dream

I tried to get ahead
tried to tell them off
tried to change them all
somehow I forgot
just who I did it for
and why I wanted more
this new morality
is it for real
this new morality
nothing is free

(the rap part I'm working on...hmm....suggestions?)

From the web site

From the web site

boycott Procter & Gamble

P&G products to boycott

List up-to-date as of March 2006


Ace ~ laundry
Always & Alldays ~ feminine hygiene
Ariel - laundry
Aussie ~ hair care


Baldessarini ~ fragrance
Bold ~ laundry
Born Blonde ~ hair dye
Bounce ~ laundry
Bounty ~ kitchen roll
Braun ~ electric shavers etc


Camay ~ soap
Charmin ~ loo roll
Crest ~ toothpaste


Daz ~ laundry
Dreft ~ laundry
Duracell ~ batteries


Eukanuba ~ pet food


Fairy ~ various cleaning products
Febreze ~ fabric spray
Fixodent ~ denture fixer
Flash ~ cleaning product


Gillette ~ shaving products
Giorgio Beverley Hills ~ fragrance
Glide ~ dental floss


Head & Shoulders ~ shampoos
Herbal Essences ~ shampoos
Hugo Boss ~ fragrances
Hydrience ~ hair dye


IAMS ~ pet food
Infacare ~ baby wash


Jean Patou/Joy ~ fragrances


Lacoste ~ fragrance
Lasting Care ~ hair dye
Laura Biagiotti ~ fragrance
Lenor ~ fabric softener
Loving Care ~ hair dye


Max Factor ~ make up
Mum ~ deodorant


Nice n Easy ~ hair dye
Noxema ~ shaving foam


Olay ~ skin care
Old Spice ~ fragrance
Oral B ~ dental products


Pampers ~ disposable nappies
Pantene Pro V ~ shampoo
Pringles ~ snack food


Silvikrin ~ hair care
SK-II ~ skin care
Shockwaves ~ hair products


Tampax ~ feminine hygiene
Tempo ~ tissues


Viakal ~ bathroom cleaner
Vortex ~ bleach


Wash n Go ~ shampoo
Wella ~ range of hair products


Zest ~ soap

just because you find me interesting doesn't mean you're entitled to me

Bob Dylan once said, "Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything."

I'm so sick of people staring at me .................. or whatever it is. This may come as a shock, but I'm not out here to entertain you, at least not right now. Just because I'm out in public doesn't give you a right to invade my space which includes leering at me when I'm not responding to you--that in itself is a hint. I don't need whole families staring at me and smiling at me--I hate that, I really do--when I just want to be left to my own business. I know, I know, they're trying to be friendly and they're well-meaning. Sometimes, though--people's good intentions are worse than bad ones. Someone once made a comment that people's "friendliness" is a way of them asserting their power, something like that. It's the mask of friendliness. Beneath the exterior....if you don't respond then the niceness turns to anger and they call you a bitch or threaten you, sometimes. Is that a friend? Why should I be your friend? Why do you automatically assume that I'm grateful to have you in my life or that I even want you in it? What have you done for me? Even if they DO do something for me, that's a power gesture as well. A friendship is selfless....it's hard to attain and it's something that builds up over time. Only time will tell who is a friend and who is not. Why should I trust you? What have you done to prove your trustworthiness? People do have hidden agendas, at times. And furthermore, my life is none of your business. A true friend respects that--boundaries. You have to have standards--and privacy--that's a form of asserting your own power, or getting others to respect you. When someone has power over another and doesn't respect their boundaries--even if it's in a "friendly" way, or especially--that's a way of .............. It's worse when people say, "I'm only trying to be your friend," and appear hurt, innocent, bewildered.....than if they're outright hostile even though the hostility is underneath the surface. Underneath it all they're resentful, that you're doing something independent of them. Just my take on it. And the "innocence" on their part is a way to make themselves appear as nice even when they may not really be. Or maybe they are genuine--but I can tell when someone is and when someone isn't--when they are then I can forgive it and live with it; but many times they're not.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

or something

cause every fucking thing of mine is not working right now. my phone, my computer (server problems.....argh!) I can't LIVE --well, really I can live without these things, but I am used to having them, so when I don't, I go into a bad panic.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

he got what he wanted

that's what pisses me off. He shouldn't have. I let it happen. I am a big, big sucker.

I say I'm over him, but sometimes in my worse moods I think of him, imagine myself telling him to go lie down in front of a bus. Or worse. Sometimes I still feel that same anger. Other times, nothing. Not like, love, hate, anger....nothing.


I went to this anti war march today in dc. Just got back. I'm physically and mentally fatigued. People were arrested. I read the Tarot cards last night about this march, asking if I should go, and got the Devil card. One of the meanings of the Devil is imprisonment, or chains. I figured that was a way of saying arrests would be made. Thing is, this didn't go according to plan, to me. I ended up ditching these people I was with. It wasn't my intention. But one thing led to another and I ended up on the other side of town, in Chinatown. I had developed some.....complications that were making it almost impossible for me to jump up and down and cheer. I had to get medicine, and food. Not that I want to write about this much. But those are painful. I had to do something about it. The people I was with were not happy. I couldn't make a call because my phone died, and there was no way to even call from a pay phone. I couldn't really explain the whole story. I said I had some medical problems and I don't think I was believed. Not just that: it was a boring protest where people just sat in the grass, and there weren't enough crazy people or anarchists or artists people who make these things worthwhile. I give credit where it's due: so many people, including the war vets--who I really liked and have total respect and admiration for--I mean young guys who had returned from Iraq and Afghanistan--and others like me who sacrificed a part of their lives and money as well and woke at the crack of dawn to come down there and stand up for a cause they believe in and I'm not writing about them. They made this worth it and reassured me that, despite everything, I was doing the right thing. But the energy of this protest was democratic and these fucking speeches......how many is too many? Especially when I couldn't understand anyone. I can't get into camping out on the grass. Then my problem started flaring up and I couldn't ignore it and I needed coffee and food. I have to have coffee in the morning. I am a brat, I was a little bitch for what I did.....I really didn't mean to do it. But "it" wasn't there somehow. I don't know. Although it had its good moments.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

why am I still

attracted to I why why his voice is hot (to me) why is it? he has OCD he takes pictures of himself with cardboard cutouts of the president(s) he's getting a chubby stomach he reminds me of my grandfather flakes out on me.....why do I feel this way? maybe I need some insanity in my life or just to go uptown or I'm really obsessed with in love with Columbia U and the campus to the point where I'm --it's sexaul.....just finished The Strawberry Statement----- awesome ----you know when you just get that --something just registers in you when you see a place? It's what happened to me when I arrived in Paris I...........just sense something.....so he's rich he must be to live where he does and I'm a militant feminist pinko cunt .............he says he's 23 then that he's 26 -- he asked me, "How old do you think I am?" I guessed late 20s to early 30s. He said, "I'm 23. I lead a very stressful life. That's why my hair is falling out." Months later he calls again, and says, "I don't know why I told you I'm 23. I'm 26." The best sex I have is with weirdos I don't know.............

Monday, August 27, 2007

on another note

I was walking around the east village, or in the east direction....and the full moon was out. It's so beautiful..........huge, really. This one time I was driving with my mom in the Hamptons and it was .....so big it was as if you could touch it, and hanging over the water. These elements of nature still exist....so there's hope....good to know.

the whole city smells now

the heat/humidity traffic jams sick sick why didn't I go to the hamptons? oh, yeah, cause I'm supposed to be getting this cat fixed tomorrow. really need a break. something happened just don't know what it's sick endless......

Sunday, August 26, 2007

the new people in the east village

.....girls/women who are like:...."I divide my time between New York and LA I just .....supportive....." I'll try not to be .....I'll try to be nice. There ....considering this area used to be the cutting edge of music, art, fashion and everything else, not to mention politics.....basically a blanded, dumbed down takeover...but does that always happen? Still, it is getting unbearable. Maybe I'm being harsh. It must be what I'm reading.

At G's party I got sick from these pills I took.....lay down on the bed listening to my own music they were playing like Ani di Franco and the smell of hot dogs....I begged G not to cook any more. I just felt miserable and not in my element I wanted to go home but didn't want to cancel out after he bought all this food and I was thinking, couldn't stop thinking, I hate s and everyone thinks he's wonderful but I can't leave....either....now G isn't picking up the phone...I couldn't sleep I was thinking I'm a terrible person I'm.....

respectable women don't walk around at night

respectable women don't walk around at night

just walking home these black girls are yelling, about whom I'm not sure, "she's walking around like that at 3 in the morning...." it wasn't 3 it was a little after 1.....

the old saying, she's walking around after x time, she must be a slut, she must want it badly, she must be looking for it. it's never, she just wants to take a walk on her own, so leave her alone. it's worse than ever. I don't remember, even as a teenager, ever getting this on the street. speaking of walking around day or night, this is what I get day and night. I've said before, in other parts of the world women walk around at all hours. for the record, I'm not safe even in my own apartment. Well, I tried to make this work but I have no control over so many things. It's too big a mouthful for me to chew. you get less and less sympathetic....toward people who don't do anything to help themselves. And that kind of nastiness, like that comment that girl made......don't get me wrong: girls of all races do this. They're vicious, nasty, I don't hang around women much. But it's a terrible blow, one I will never get used to, when people you're trying to help turn on you. ONe thing I've learned is that people aren't grateful....they hate you for illuminating things, for showing them the way. From so many of the writings I read from the sixties, so many women thought a feminist revolution was around the corner, that all women, including the "other woman," would all unite and change the world in their favor. But it didn't happen. Why is that? Even back as a teenager....in New York I could walk around at any hour and be more or less left alone, with a few exceptions. yes, there were some comments. And Chicago was far worse than here. This guy was like, "Hey pretty. Hi. What's wrong, you antisocial?" I know I could confront him, but all I'll ever be doing is confronting people. I don't want to fight with people, though I know after everything there is no one trustworthy except well my family, really. I am sick of fighting. What I want is not different from what anyone else wants, or at least the average sane person. But I need to live somewhere where I can walk around, including at night. Why do people think a woman who walks around at night is horny or something, deserving.....why is it never that she is walking around because that is normal, really? It is. It's healthy. It's not healthy to sit around cooped up all day. Most women are cooped up all the time and it weakens and eventually destroys them. Forgive me for not wanting to be that way. I am a night person. It'll never change.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

support for arrested vegan activist

Don't know all the details, but below is a summary:

Danae is a dedicated activist and she deserves all the support that she deserves.

Jail support needed for California activist, Danae Kelley!

California activist, Danae Kelley was arrested after a legal demonstration in San Diego over the weekend. (13 others were detained but then released without charges just as Danae should have been.) Phone calls need to be made on her behalf. Please call the San Diego Central Jail and ask when she will be released.

Danae Kelley [ Booking #7762437] is at the Las Colinas Detention Facility--

Please call 619-258-3176 & ask when she'll be released and if she's getting vegan food.

Another number:
San Diego Central Jail: 619-615-2700, push 1 for English, 0, then 2.

Repost/ Call often.

Friday, August 17, 2007

late night early morning

As someone who always needs that little time to myself, I've been finding it mostly at hours like 1 or 2 AM. I got an injury in my right leg and couldn't run for a week, so I started taking long walks. Or I go over dance moves, monologues, exercises, all those things I never seem to find time for during the day. I started walking around the village, alone, late nights, partly also cause I got in the habit with friends or else I worked around there. It's no mans land in some areas, but basically safe. Not 100 percent ....there are some dicey people but you'd have to go out of your way, really, for anything to happen. I still get comments, though. Why can't we live in a world where that doesn't happen? I'm a night person, always was. I never was able to sleep at night. We should be able to walk around at any time. Most women don't walk around alone late.....not just for safety but because it isn't done. Why? So I pay a price for it. I'm glad I live in a town like New York where I can do that, I'll say that much.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

more @ stuyvesant

My drafting teacher, this scary dyke, HATED me and was vicious to me. I guess I was a brat. When my mother came home from the parent/teacher conference she said, "Your drating teacher is a bitch." My dad had flown in from Chicago.

My first day in biology I wanted to know....why people slit their wrists when they wanted to die. Why there? I didn't understand that that is where the artery is.....but if I had to choose a method of death it'd probably be that. Maybe I wouldn't want to die in my sleep.....I'd want to know it's happening. This woman told me the best way to die is to bleed to death....because it had happened to her...somehow...and she was actually floating around the room....but then she was given a shock to the heart which brought her back....and I imagine was painful.....I am morbid. I have that side of me. I was reading about people who have vampiric tendencies and I think I'm one of them. I do have a fascination with blood. I am a night person. I'm anemic. I'm pale, with pale eyes. Maybe I'm not all Leo but have Scorpio tendencies in me.....So my biology teacher told my parents about the questions I asked in class. I was well meaning deep down but terribly confused. Plus, maybe I was born into the wrong family, the wrong era, I don't know. Or maybe it was meant to be....I was the loop thrown in. I wouldn't want me, for a kid. No worries.....I am not looking to leave this life anytime soon.

All this obsession comes from reading too much Margaret Atwood. I'm obsessed with the book The Robber Bride.

Friday, August 10, 2007


OK, what's the address again? OK, sorry I'm late I know, I'm on my way. Train was messed up, ect. ect. Which direction? I'm almost there........

Walking up to his house. I'm coming toward the door.....

He comes out......wearing.....well, nothing.....

Are you insane? Someone could see you.....but it's night time.

Isn't he hot? I was looking for someone to share his big black cock......it' s the six E pills I took earlier.........

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Congratulations Gary

I should write a song about you a la Alannis Morrisette. You fooled me and betrayed my trust and hit me down deep by surprise but it's my fault too I fell for your lies I was a sucker you should be proud you very nearly, but not completely, but nearly accomplished what you set out to do. I wanted to think you're a decent person like you said you are but you're ......well, you proved yourself not to be. YOu lied and nearly fooled me. You should be happy that you cemented by belief that there are no trustworthy people out there. You deserve a metal. V ery close to one. y

harassed, again, walking home

I know it's late, but I wanted to go home. I think I have a right to walk to my own apartment that I pay for. These guys, three or four of them, are standing there making hooting noises, long story short, and I flipped this time. I was already upset because I've been having not a good week. I left my keys somewhere, my phone went out, I was having personal problems with a bunch of people whom I had been led to believe were my friends......and feeling very hurt, stabbed, really, like I can't trust anyone. I just wanted to go home to my own bed and take out my contact lenses. I didn't have much cash on me and didn't feel like finding an ATM.....so I figured if I took Myrtle there were still a lot of people around.....so turning the corner these men on DeKalb, in front of that God damned funeral parlor where they hang out, started with me. I know some people will say to let it roll off me and I've had so many bad encounters and my confrontations never produced positive results.....I had come to think that it was too dangerous to say anything. But this time, I thought, no this isn't right, they have no right to be doing this. They were acting like it was their duty to punish me for walking home alone at a certain hour, like, she's a slut, she deserves whatever she gets. I know there are people who do stupid things, women included, like go out to dangerous places late at night and bring home men, and so on, but sometimes life calls for one doing things like this. It doesn't always mean we're drunk/desperate/mentally ill it means or could mean we didn't have a lot of cash and just wanted to go home. So I screamed at these men, "You have no right! No right! You think just cause I'm a woman walking home you have a right to treat me this way? You think this is a fucking joke?" But they just kept laughing. Then, across the street these black girls saw it, and they were laughing too. I said to them, "You don't have to take this!" They kept laughing. They think it's a joke--so I said, "If you take these men's side, or go with them, then you deserve whatever you get and I have no mercy for you." Harsh, I know, but they were laughing at me. I know that there is a multitude of injustice in this world and I"m not unsympathetic to that. But I deal with this EVERY DAY in this neighborhood. I get this every time I get off the subway, every time I go to the store. I have a sore throat now from yelling and I can't even go get painkillers cause I know I'll get harassed or assaulted. I have had three of these confrontations in a month and it's only a matter of time before it will look like I"m the crazy or bad one. If these women feel like they have to take this from these men in order to.....I don't know what.....then they're doing a disservice to all women. And I'm not going to accept that. I don't want to play into further oppression like class bias or racism because I hate that trait in people, I think that's unequivocally wrong. Still, I'm not the one doing it. Wrong is wrong, unacceptable is unacceptable. I deserve, as does anyone, the right to walk around anywhere at any time dressed however I want, within reason or at least where I live and pay rent.
At the same time, I've been fighting hard and for what? I'm going to start looking into one way plane tickets to California, because as long as I have to live in this country I can't live here. I'm done. I had the same problems in Philly, though not nearly as many in DC or Boston. I really, really can't take this and if I'm going to stay sane I have to get out of here. This neighborhood is a dump and fucked up and I'm sorry, but this doesn't happen in nicer parts. I don't like the inhumanity of gentrification but I .....I do ....I don't know, maybe if it's a bunch of white frat boys or something, yes, they come from all walks of life. I just know this is where I am and it's unbearable. I have to get out. I have to say this is unusually bad....I didn't get this even in Cairo. I don't know how people take it, I won't. I'm done. Done. There are almost no redeeming qualities about this place.

Thursday, August 02, 2007


found this

someone took the time to write all this down and I almost never even knew about it! brilliant......all coming out of research on a related topic.....health insurance.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

so....just got into philly

seems like a fun city but this place I'm staying in has a curfew of 2AM. I mean, in NYC when I'm with my friends the night is just beginning at this time. I haven't had a curfew imposed on me since I was 15 years old. Ridiculous! Also, I looked up when I was on the internet and these two guys were hovering over me. Too close for comfort. I said hi cause I didn't know if they wanted to talk to me, but they were looking at flyers next to me. They had an accent, not sure where. I just will never get used to that. I have really strong personal space issues and it gets on my nerves when people step over my boundaries that way. I know in other cultures it's different but I can't stop thinking it's plain rude. But I won't change them, you know? There's the saying of Al's when in Rome do as the Romans. Americans can be obnoxious but it works both ways. OK, just wanted to spill that, finally. Respect the local customs, right?

Sunday, July 29, 2007

waiting around

for the clothes to finish in the washer, for a phone call, the bus, my food, for my friend to wish me happy birthday, for s to return, for this weather to end, for my passport, the right day for anything----I'm sick of waiting.

Also nothing is ever enough all I do is work but it's never right somehow. Is it...there are many theories as to why. Some of it is beyond my control. Some isn't. Always an0ther mistake--

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

happy b day to me!

Thanks so much to everyone who remembered and wished me well. It really means a lot.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

getting harassed again

My neighborhood is a hotbed for this. Plus, it's another gentrification zone. I could be seen as one of the "new people" coming into this place, paying the new high rents--well, I may be relatively new (been here a year) but I don't fit the rest of the criteria. My place is a fucking slum. A year ago it was worse, and we have a slumlord to boot. I can't completely complain, though. I get along fairly well with my roommate, and it helps that she is here--it's far, far safer. Especially in this area. A year ago I was assaulted, and within the past month I've been nearly assaulted twice and had my ass grabbed; a record of incidents in the 20 some odd years I've lived in NYC.
I could be, I suppose, how do I put this delicately, mistaken for one of the "yuppies" moving into the neighborhood. Honestly, I ......I don't see how on earth heaven or hell I could ever be seen as one of these people the same ones who threw Doritos at me in elementary school.......I sure am convincing. As for gentrification (there are many euphemisms going around).......I don't miss living in fear--I guess all of NYC was like this before it was "cleaned up." Other cities around the world are safer, though, and the people there aren't rich. I am as unyuppie as they come, believe me. I could have been one at one point but instead I became a --------- think I am.............and those same people--not that they ever accepted me to begin with--spit me out, pretty much. So that's why I'm pissed off at constantly--being treated like one of them, when I'm not. I've been called a princess and a spoiled brat and Britney Spears (even though I have nothing against her, really--I like her videos, truly), and "conventional" a "teenager" --I swear that's what this guy would say to me in junior high school. Well, uh, gee, actually I WAS a teenager, but he would say to me, "I'll be you like the Cure." In fact, I didn't like the Cure. Last night someone threw a stick at me (last night) from their car and it's true.....I grew up without money or many nice clothes, while the other girls around me had closets full of designer jeans and sweaters. They could go shopping at the drop of a hat, and didn't understand why I couldn't. It's not only hurtful, it's wrong and infuriating-- Whatever you do, DON'T call me those things. Why can't --it couldn't get more obvious. Go direct your aggression at the real thing.
So walking home these guys were saying to me, "Hey blondie. Nice legs. Come here. Hey mami...." and I don't consider myself blonde even--

why am I being mixed up with these "other" people? Am I that convincing? I should be getting cast more if my act is that good.

Monday, July 16, 2007

progress or going backward?

I'm really trying to stay upbeat on my blog but I can't help the fact that the world has problems.

That said, I'm really upset right now. Last year, I went with some women from the Redstockings group up to Albany, to the NOW conference, to campaign for them to endorse our resolution for universal health care, supporting HR 676. Long story short, everyone I talked to, collecting signatures, supported this. But when we got to the floor, these women, who it doesn't take a genius to guess they must have had an ax or two to grind, basically ripped our resolution to shreds, changing key words like "independence" to "security," taking out the word "men," and other things like that. They also nitpicked over small things, and got very hostile toward us, but what it comes down to is they weren't going to support anything that eliminated (another word they took out) health insurance companies. One can guess why they felt so strongly about this. Even though we had a huge consensus among the masses of women (and men) there, when it came down to those in charge this was too cutting edge, or something. It was a real struggle to get other groups I was involved in to attend meetings about this subject or take any interest in this. Now that Michael Moore's movie is out, which makes pretty much (I haven't seen it but I can guess I think) the same argument, this is on the table, this subject, and those people who wouldn't come to a Redstockings meeting are railing against the US system of health care and shocked at how much better, you could say, it is in pretty much the rest of the world.

So I was in the store, and some people.....white, probably like upper middle class, people you wouldn't have seen in this store in Brooklyn even a year ago, were .....this guy was talking about how he did French theater, or something. It was him, another guy, and a young woman. This guy starts going on a rant, "Michael Moore is an asshole! He just throws stuff together and ....." makes something like "what he calls a documentary....." and then he was talking about how the European system is failing and crumbling, a basic myth that Redstockings pretty much discredited.....you could say that's propaganda.....and this woman had a look of horror on her face, like it must be really awful, we're really under attack now.....America.

A few months ago, I went to this gym in Brooklyn Heights, the first and last time I'll ever set foot in there. There were these (probably) rich white women in there, and one of them was saying something like, "And he wanted me to operate on him, and had this attitude...." and another woman said, "What kind of insurance did he have?" And she said, "Awful insurance." And this woman said sarcastically, "Medicaid!" And the other said, "It was worse than Medicaid...." and I was so offended at this conversation. I don't use Medicaid, but I know people who do, and I know what it's like to have to basically go through volumes of paperwork and, as a self-employed single woman, prove that I deserve health insurance, pretty much. Redstockings made this whole argument about how health care is a feminist issue, yet it's being attacked by women--they for whatever reason worship this system we have like it's God; it's almost sexual, their devotion to the American way. How are we ever supposed to progress if this is how things are? Women hold women back. What can I say? I've dealt with this all my life. But they do.

I have hope. But I can't ignore this, the fact that .....I mean so many women who are feminist don't want to go on this subject or criticize women or say that they oppress other women because that would be suggesting that they deserve to be second class, or something like that, or that solidarity should be unconditional, uncompromising, and that we should view women as nothing less than unyielding, fighting. Well, what can I say? That simply hasn't been my experience. They're not revolutionaries, most of them. They're just not. Am I being mean? It's not out of a desire to attack that I'm writing this, it's just my experience. They just don't want change, not major change. They don't try to change things.

I realize most of the men I fall for tend to be gay or bisexual. When I was a teenager I spent a great deal of time in the gay and lesbian community and still do, even though I am mostly straight. Occasionally I'll be interested in a female but I am very picky; I pretty much prefer men. I don't ....in this film Sorority Boys this girl says, "I thought by going to the other side I'd be getting away from all this. It's exactly the same story." Maybe so. But I don't identify with straight culture, I don't have that many straight friends. And I....I can't stand most straight men. I just can't trust them. They've never given me any reason to. Even my exes would go after anyone who was the far side of attractive, even if they were my friends. They didn't even wait for me to leave the room....then they wondered why I ended things with them. I can't see myself in a relationship. I hear the same story from one woman after another about what men did to them. What will I do about this? I can't live this way, you know? I'm just in a foul mood. Maybe I shouldn't be writing here, maybe I should keep these thoughts private. They're not nice ones. But life is not always nice. Maybe I should go to the movies more, I need to treat myself, in small ways.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

NARAL rocks

Below is an email I got from them. Brrr....it's cold in here, you know safe sex is gonna disappear.....

It’s time for your senator to get in the ring.

We're in a fight against anti-choice senators to pass the Reproductive Health and Privacy Protection Act (RHAPP) and we need your pro-choice senator in our corner.

We’ve already targeted a number of anti-choice senators in our campaign; now it’s time for round two. We need to come out swinging hard; with a left hook from Western New York, a right jab from the Catskills, and a strong punch from New York City. But your senator must join lead bill sponsor Senator Andrea Stewart-Cousins (D-Westchester) and become a co-sponsor of the RHAPP Act.

Your senator has been with us on choice issues in the past; it's time for him or her to get in the ring for RHAPP. Send a letter today urging your state senator to join the bout and knock out the anti-choice voices in the Senate.

Visit the web address below to tell your friends about sending a letter to your state senator.

If you received this message from a friend, you can sign up for NARAL Pro-Choice America's Choice Action Network.

Friday, July 13, 2007

In Union Square

I saw these kids; two girls and a couple guys, high school age. One of the girls caught my eye in particular; I was watching her. She was very pretty, tall, but dressed differently from most of the women around there. I spoke a little with all of them; they were debating lesbian/gay sex. These kids brought me right back to my high school days--and the air--maybe it's cheesy, but if felt the same. Deja vu or something. So even my old high school friends have come back, and I thought it was all lost. It isn't. I wanted to hug them. I couldn't stop watching them, but I didn't want to seem weird, plus I was tired, so I finally got a cab home. May the spirit live on! We need more freaky people in the city; that was a breath of fresh air. And these people are hated by the residents of this neighborhood.....but all those people are like white bread or soap, honestly--their personalities. I felt so elated seeing these kids. The ways I grew up with, are they coming back? Or did they never really leave?

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

abortion rights site

Having been though my own pregnancy scares, I'm grateful that the option is there. I can't say I don't find it a little disturbing, but I don't think abortion should ever be illegal, I'm pro-choice all the way. A woman once asked me at an animal rights demonstration, "Well what do you think of abortion?" I said it's a complicated question....she said, well so is this....to me, vivisection and abortion are not the same thing, not even close. In the latter, you're talking about a live creature that is mentally functioning and fully aware, fully developed....I don't believe a foetus or embryo is that....better to destroy a primitive life form than a human or animal being....so it's nowhere near the same thing. Besides, I don't think vivisection is ever justif

But so I'm pro-choice, I've never been pregnant, which is good because I have never been ready. It would have been disastrous if I had been. But here's a site: I'm not sorry.net.

she (a) said, "That Girl

has been giving us problems from the get go. And he, he is....I don't need to tell you what he is. He is simply not the kind of person decent people spend time with. They're bad enough, each of them, individually, but the two of them combined is a double threat. I don't see any need to be around her. I don't want her in my house. I don't see any reason to invite either of them to any parties or events ....we need her out. She's driving people away from our group....and she's crazy....."

she (b) said, "I'm outing you as a psychological terrorist. It's going to the papers tomorrow, and there's not one mother****ing thing you can do about it....."

fly on the wall

This guy I was, well, am still obsessed with......got married recently. But I keep finding pictures of him with men--in fact they're all with men. He has his arm around them. My imagination gets carried away, and I wish--a sick fantasy--of standing at the doorway and just "happening" to catch a glimpse, then a friend (female) of mine turns up, starts talking, and I put my hand over her mouth. Then we both start to leave, trying not to make noise, but accidentally kick something, which makes a sound, then we both start giggling, then run out. His wife sees us then starts to go into that room.....am I sick? Another outcome is that his wife isn't there; he just sees me running out, then....

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


I don't like translations of songs; they seldom sound right. Songs were meant to be sung in the language they were written in. With foreign, non-English speaking artists this always happens: a mediocre (in my opinion) version is sung on the radio because it's assumed no one in this country wants to hear anything other than English. I'm starting to learn Spanish now....maybe listen to Latin stations?

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Couple interesting links:

I bought a tarot deck recently and found this site where various artists designed cards. Some of these are gorgeous.

Also, this site Stargods

I don't agree with all, but it's informative.

What I deal with every day in Manhattan

This town used to be a haven for artists and other sort of left types from around the world. There was always the conservative element, but you didn't have to look to hard. Or maybe it was always this way, I don't know. I don't remember being harassed daily, or witnessing harassment literally every second, back when I was a teenager like I do now. It just feels worse, unbearable. It's all frat boys on the street, or the black and Hispanic counterparts (I don't mean this in a biased way, it's just how it is), walking into women, literally, on the street, hovering over us/them, leering, pretending not to hear us (like when I ordered coffee today; call me paranoid, but I stated what I wanted clearly....), making comments, or just shouting us down whenever we make a point.....it goes on and on....no it feels worse than ever. Sorry, but it doesn't change from one class group to another. It's harder and harder to find any kind of genuine or interesting people here....it's all frat boys and models. Dare I say I hate it here, and this is the neighborhood I grew up in, that I used to love, that I was so happy to move to. I want to write something positive, but after getting badly screwed over this week by a number of guys, and.....the thing is, so many of these women seem or are completely oblivious to what is actually going on. Denial? That doesn't even begin to describe it. Is it a survival tactic? Are they blocking it out? But that just makes it feel even more defeating. In the West Village, where I grew up, I deal with this daily. Combine that with the stories of mass rape by soldiers in Iraq, by women from there.....and I was nearly assaulted, again, on the subway platform, last week. To their credit, the cops took this guy away. But I need to get out of here. This was the only town I wanted to live in and now I can't wait to leave.

Friday, July 06, 2007


I am so disturbed that we have to fight so hard just to keep abortion legal....this just in from NARAL (and you expect me to be fucking patriotic when the leaders of this nation are telling me what to do with my own body?):

As you celebrate your independence and freedom this week of 4th of July, one more candidate is about to enter the presidential race who is bent on taking away a woman's right to choose: Fred Thompson.

Thompson joins a cadre of candidates who are clamoring to out anti-choice each other.

Mitt Romney has said, "I am pro-life and I support pro-life legislation.... I think the Roe v. Wade one-size-fits-all approach is wrong."

Sen. John McCain, who has voted anti-choice 123 times out of 128 votes on choice, has said "I do not support Roe v. Wade. I think it should be overturned."

And Sen. Sam Brownback has gone so far as to promise that he "will commit to helping end abortion in America...."

Don't be fooled -
Fred Thompson is no better. During his seven years in the U.S. Senate, he voted anti-choice 44 times out of 46 choice-related issues. He has called Roe v. Wade "bad law" and received a 100 percent voting record from the National Right to Life Committee.

Anything can happen between now and the nomination, so stay up-to-date about where the presidential candidates stand on women's freedom and privacy.

Visit our website to find out where all the presidential candidates stand and then forward this message to your pro-choice friends and family.

This 4th of July, don't miss the chance to celebrate your freedom and independence!
My best, Nancy KeenanPresident, NARAL Pro-Choice America
© 2007 NARAL Pro-Choice America ®. All rights reserved.
Paid for by NARAL Pro-Choice America,
www.ProChoiceAmerica.org, and not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee. NARAL Pro-Choice America is a non-profit organization.We respect your privacy and will not share your e-mail address.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

July 4 Pix

I did a fucked up July 4 thing, some pix....

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

High School Druggie

I was so bad, such a brat. But typical. I was sixteen; what does anyone know?

I was militant. A neohippie. Sort of. That mixed with female drag queen, and....I don't know. New Wave? Punk? I never identified with the Sex Pistols and everyone around me worshipped them.

I dropped acid all the time. I'd trip to Led Zeppelin and Srt. Peppers. Later I found out this was .....occult music. And I was flipped out on it. No wonder I lost it, then, briefly.

But ultimately it led to change. Why should I regret it? I was miserable beyond words at Stuyvesant. I was a bad student, hated school and didn't care about college. I was a long way off from that track. I wanted to perform!

So I switched to an alternative high school, took acting lessons, and became an actress. And fooled around with -----, who I later found out....I can't write about this here (whisper: dug up a skull, literally)....but he was the only one I'd been with who I ever felt anything with sexually......

Then I realized it's twenty, thity years later and I discovered punk.....but never totally meshed with that culture.

Then radical cheerleading.....

I never returned to drugs. Though I would like to try E again.....

music video

I am watching them obsessively. That and, let's see, Tyra Banks, and the Wimbeldon matches on TV, like when I'm on the treadmill. Partly to get through it. I got really fascinated by tennis, and watched the match between Serena Williams and the Russian girl Henin, something like that. These are like Amazon women, cool.

So some of the videos: Michael Jackson's Thriller, Madonna, all of them! particularly I love the Papa Don't Preach, and....Gwen Stefani....Janet Jackson....the guy in that video looks like someone I fooled around with last year.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007


I've been feeling guilty, like I'm too harsh or something, with myself and others. I was thinking maybe I'm having a bad reaction to someone, people who give off "bad vibes" and I'm thinking, is it me? I'm trying, really trying, to be nice, more compassionate, unlike the mentality I was raised with: get what you can, anyone who does wrong, has to pay.....you pissed me off so now you're gonna get it, that kind of thing. I'm thinking maybe what I was raised with was over the top, wrong. I was getting my stuff out of the locker, and this woman was standing right in front of mine. I said, as nicely as I could, I just need to get in there and get my stuff. I said, I'll be thirty seconds. I had been thinking I'm mean because I'm not open enough with other women. This woman is like, "Sure! You can take four hours for all I care." It was shocking. Why are women so nasty? What the hell did I do? If I call them out on their behavior, they just turn it against me. I'm the one with the problem, I'm crazy, this or that. I'd been thinking, is it me? and trying to change. Is this psychological terrorism, or just bitchiness? Between what happened with the Street Harassment Project where all these women teamed up to get the founding member out.....sororities, all the backstabbing (to be honest) and bitchiness I've encountered everywhere, really, I want to be friendly with women but you know this is what I get every time. It's always about them having to one up me, be better, somehow, show me who's in charge here.....always, it turns into some kind of deadly power struggle. Even when they smile to my face. It's so hard, it's such work, it's endless.....men pit us against each other, too. It's impossible to go out in this city now without facing harassment from men on the street, or come-ons, or judgement somehow. And I'd been made to feel so awful, like I'm mean, harsh, jealous, ect. I'm trying so hard to be nice, but so far it's led me into still more pain. Where do I go from here?

Someone in SHP once wrote about how we struggle so hard for positive change only to be brutally stabbed in the back by people we're trying to help.....and how....harsh again, there are better people to save and we should run the scumbags over, something to that effect. I don't want to be mean. But sadly, I've found that the struggle in any attempt at social justice is in realizing you're dealing with people who are not perfect, who may not be all innocent. Does that mean they deserve to be oppressed? Of course not.

I want to be forgiving, I don't want to walk around with anger and bitterness, et al. But the new philosophy and mentality I want to live with is one of compassion, and any religion that teaches otherwise is not one I want to go near. Still, maybe some people are really not worth saving, maybe they do deserve revenge. I can't let myself be hurt and even destroyed by someone who only lives for herself, who will never know what my life is like or any thing about me whatever, and yet feels entitled to make a judgment call or....always, always it turns to this, try to dominate me. When I stand my ground and refuse to take it, they somehow disappear, then they see themselves as the victims. It's never them, always others.

There were someone women in the feminist movement who tried to suppress any criticism of other women, or dismiss it, saying that women are really in solidarity together and united against sexism, and that to depict women in a negative light means you're negative, or that it will tarnish their image to the world and make it harder for progress to occur....things like that. It means not criticizing or openly saying anything that makes them less than a shining example of goodness. Well, wrongful behavior is wrongful, no matter who it's coming from, and I can't accept it or be silent about it. I can't lie to myself or to the world. This is the truth about what we're dealing with. The thing is though, I see that becoming equally negative is not the answer, so do I have to be cruel to be kind? Enough with the guilt?

losing stuff

That last entry was a little harsh. But I really don't want to be in a relationship....maybe at one point I dreamt about a white picket fence but now.....?

As it is, I've lost my ipod, my shoes, and my coffee mug all within the past two days. I nearly lost my cell phone but got that back, at least.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

attack of the single woman?

I'm drunk and tired and maybe not up to going into this here, but this is a response to the new Time Out article with the same title. Now, being single is a threat, too. It's not enough or ok to just live our own lives? To hide is a crime. The attack?

Let me tell you something: I am not in a relationship, I DON'T want one....can't conceive of one. "Fuck buddies" is a term invented by men, to get free sex, sans responsibility. Society does not oppress women, nor is it the media: something non-living can't oppress. Men oppress women, men value youth and beauty in women, not intelligence or integrity. Sadly, though...I have to admit, integrity is good, but face it, it's hard to feel attraction to someone who isn't at least marginally good looking.

My birthday is coming up. I am getting older, but I still think I'm fairly attractive. But women are still dominated by men. Relationship, the ones I've been in, are a form of slavery. Prostitutes are mostly freer than respectable women. I used to think there was hope, that men would change, that they weren't this bad, but sadly .....well I don't think they'll change. We're deluded. I'm much happier not in a relationship.

Friday, June 29, 2007

on another note

This is the best Thai restaurant, in my opinion, that I've been to in NYC. Check out Royal Siam on 8th Ave between 22 and 23rd....Manhattan.

Another is Veselka on 2nd ave and 9th....


Ever wonder why there's so much stupidity out there? So much misinformation? How every powerful statement is followed by by a tidal wave of junk? Think again....

Is it crazy or is it too close to the truth? Why deny what I feel, people already know.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Me performing, on a lighter note

Random stuff. Garrett had a party and Alex and I performed.....it went pretty well.

Monday, June 25, 2007

To start the week on a happy note....

Hamptons polluter, sad, because my mother has a house in the Hamptons. And this was so hard to read....warning, not for the squeamish. Still, there is hope. It's an uphill battle, but it's there. I believe that.

Thursday, June 14, 2007


Now that I got my new ipod I have heard music for the first time in forever! I'm a huge fan of Dot Allison/One Dove and all that trancey stuff like Banco de Gaia. If people listen to that here en masse like they do in Europe it's news to me. I'm not into hip hop or grunge or hard rock or what the standard American Music is except for the ...well bands like the Violent Femmes or the Talking Heads.


Not to compare, but I prefer Dot Allison's stuff to Bjork maybe just because Bjork comes across as an annoying snot nose....plus her alleged remarks about feminism made me mad. But also Dot Allison's stuff sounds more.....painful or someting. I don't know....I want to "like" people but DA in this pic also has the stargods look....maybe the niceness is all an act.

I'm super drunk now. I passed out and dreamt of Candyland (a creepy game....when I got it as a birthday present around age two or so, the woman who bought it for me whispered to my mother, "It's really boring." My mother thought that was funny cause it's like, that goes without saying. But Candyland seems almost....evil. My friend said it's a child molester game.....

then I dreamt of f and s and f became s then turned into a cone head....

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

butts out

I went to Prospect Park today and, quite frankly, the experience was ruined because of people smoking. This one woman was on a horse and chain smoking--I could smell it a hundred feet away and it was asphyxiating. It's rude and inconsiderate--extremely. I wish the city would ban it, because I was really enjoying the trees and fresh air--the smell of green, but couldn't--couldn't breathe at all. I particularly can't stand cigarette smoking in the morning--I just think smoking is rude. Especially in parks where people are running and there are animals everywhere--who are very sensitive to smells. It's piggish. I am really sick of immature behavior in general; I've had to deal with my fair share of it this week and even worse I have to suffer because of other people....I am constantly having to fight for respect in general. Why do people feel entitled to treat me however they want but don't look at themselves in the mirror, at their own faults? No more of this.

I just had to get this off my chest. It needs to be said.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I've calmed down a little bit

I know my posts get intense, but I guess I'm an intense person. Life is the same.

But the rain has soothed me a little. Today was like an oven and my room was hotter than an oven, or at least felt like it. I'm on the west side of the apartment, and the sun beats down into my window after about 1PM. What I don't understand is why my room, and my side of the apartment, was so cold in the winter, and is now so hot in the summer. I like the heat, and shut my windows at night, but this was too much even for me. Plus, my fan broke.

But on another note, I got a new free ipod in the mail after the one I had broke. I started running in Prospect Park which is rough at times, because it's so hilly, but it's so nice to breathe in grass and trees, and the park is beautiful. When I lived around there 10 years ago it was dicey....there's a good and bad side to most things I suppose. I'm going to be part of a dance there....plus probably going to the Mermaid Parade.....SO psyched! Moby was at the last one.

Here are some pix from a recent crazy audition, and this was crazy. All of us waiting in the rain by the seaport....

this rain is so welcome. I need to get out and enjoy it a little, after roasting all day.

Monday, June 11, 2007

terrorism psychologiqe?

I've experienced that ad nauseum in my life; what is written about in "Feminist Revolution." I've been personally attacked, physically and mentally, insulted, sneered at and snubbed. The hostility and bad vibes could slice the air. Was it that I'm simply too smart, and know or say too much? If I were an idiot, would this ever have happened? I'm smart, strong, attractive and a survivor. I take responsibility for my own faults and failures and I'm working to change that. But after everything that happened in the past two years I am still here, functioning, and didn't capitulate, as is usually expected. That threatens certain people.....

Was I censored? Even at the age of seven, ten, eleven? I think maybe....maybe people are born with certain personalities.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Thursday, June 07, 2007

animal rights link

Awesome web site with a ton of info on how to help animals....mainly which companies do and do not test on them.

Monday, June 04, 2007

nice legs?

Tonight I came home to find my front door left open. My roommate is out so I was afraid to go in there alone. My phone ran out of juice completely and shut off. We've been having this problem for a year now of inadequate security in our apartment, the landlord has done jack, and there is crime in this neighborhood (this is Bed Stuy). This guy was walking right behind me tonight as I walked home. I moved aside to get away from him (my pet peeve is people walking too close to me, especially from behind, or else not moving to let me pass) so call me paranoid, but this guy stopped in front of this building two addresses down from me, that has been nothing but trouble since I moved into this area. These people hang around there who are totally seedy and it's scary. Imagine about the worst, and that's what these guys are like. I think the guy who lives there is a major asshole for bringing these people around, and he doesn't have a right to do that, or to bring this upon us, the neighbors. This same guy in the street tried to ask me where "---" was I didn't understand. "I don't know...." I said and walked away from him. I was ready to yell out of say, "Ask a man," but I didn't want to get into it. I called Garrett from a pay phone and asked him to call the cops if he didn't hear from me in ten minutes. The cops aren't my favorite people but in situations like this it's all I can really do.

So, thank Heaven, my cats were ok, the place was ok, no one was there. That took 30 minutes out of the night, though. I don't know who left the door open, probably an accident, but enough is enough. I can't live this way. A guy in the street yelled at me, "Hey, nice legs" as I went to call Garrett. Another guy was smirking at me. Yeah, my life, my blood is fucking amusing to you? I refuse to go another day like this. Maybe I will move to Cali if I stay in this decrepit slime fucking pit of a country. I'm done. I'm done. I've said this before, but these problems don't exist in Germany, in Egypt, in so many other places. Maybe it's worse elsewhere. But you hear about how a woman shouldn't go out after 1AM or else she's asking for it, that kind of thing. Granted, it's not smart, but the burden shouldn't be on us. There are other alternatives to not going out, not wearing a skirt, or whatever. It's fucking not acceptable. It needs to end. These men talked to me like I deserved this treatment. No more. I'm done with this.

Sunday, June 03, 2007


I'm so angry, at so many things. I go out, in a dress and heels, and the stares, the attention I get is more than I can handle. These....I don't want to stereotype and I really am not biased....but these girls and guys who are really ghetto are screaming....laughing loudly...where I am at the South Street Seaport. I hate loud laughing and talking. Maybe it's a cultural difference. Look, my family was poor, my grandmother grew up barely able to afford food or shoes, during the Depression. But people were well-spoken and well-read. Not to mention well-dressed and mannered. I know other people who grew up with very little money and yet they were well-educated and spoke good English, or Spanish. I just don't tolerate stupidity, vulgarity or bad breeding. I can't accept it. I guess just the way I was raised we were encouraged to learn, to not watch TV, to aim for progress. This is what I was taught by my parents and the role models I had, the same ones we all had. None of this was a secret, it was out there for everyone to see and hear.

Ok I'm irritable, now. This guy kept leering at me in the street while I was on my way to an audition, and I lost it. "Don't bother me!" I screamed at him. Why do these men think they have a right? I was hungry and tired. I finally found a place selling veggie burgers, fries and cocktails, to go. But there were people everywhere and nowhere to eat....I can't eat in crowded places. It was raining, my umbrella broke, but I finally climbed the stairs and found a quiet spot. So now I'm waiting for my audition time. I still want to socialize. I love going to auditions but I just wanted to fall asleep, earlier. Now, I feel insatiably hungry. It's a vampire syndrome? My moon sign is Virgo, and sun sign Leo. Virgo moon is a tough one. We're just not a content, easygoing lot. I'm always critical, of myself and others. I'm never at ease. I'm not happy, all that much. I find fault, everywhere. I tried raspberry tea but it tasted awful....I took one sip and threw the rest in the sink. Walks? Yoga? I ate French fries and a whole chocolate bar today. Guilt. I can feel the fat piling on. But in this neighborhood there's not much in the way of healthy. Pretty soon my audition time will come up....actually not pretty soon. I brought a book, called Loose Change, by Sara Davidson. The characters are pretty conventional but it's entertaining, kind of like Jane Austen in the 60s. I'm going on a spin here.....

What is there here that's non fattening and vegetarian? Cole slaw? That has mayonaise. This is the dilemma I deal with every day. I'm not naturally thin. It's a struggle, all the time.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

not sociable?

When I went on that DC trip, a drinking get together had been arranged for a bunch of us, in which we toured the bars and Georgetown. It was agonizing for me. All these people were sharks, all of them had knives out, with which they planned to stab me. They all had an agenda. "I don't trust anybody," said Garrett once. There is real malevolence out there. There is a book called In Defense of Paranoia. I know I should be trusting. But I felt like a scrub brush; alienated and miserable. I ended up splitting from the group after my earring was lost, and then crying. I sat in this park by the river, with no kleenex, and finally went into a movie theater to get some. Some people were concerned. It's good to know there are a few decent people in the world. But at that party, everyone--these guys were all hard core beer drinkers and really aggressive and none of the girls would talk to me....at least that's how it felt at first. This one girl, British but originally from Germany, gave off the worst vibes--and there was something hard, edgy about so many of them. I think maybe this same girl later tried to be friendly. But it was too late. Once something or someone sets me off, I get vindictive and angry. That's just the way I am. This one older Chinese woman asked me if I was ok. I need people, company, as much as anyone....I am vulnerable....but don't want to show it. I don't want people to know I need them. I don't, I can't trust people. I have been brutally stabbed in the back. I know better. I am hard, cynical, maybe for good reason. I am angry. I don't trust women or men.

Maybe I'm a whiner. But large crowds and gatherings can terrify me, especially these "bar" beer drinking get togethers. The men are aggressive, and I've been so hurt by men, over and over....insulted, degraded, stamped into a corner. Women are bad too, in different ways. It's like there's nowhere I can go. I don't know who to trust and who not to trust. I know I shouldn't feel this way, we're taught to be loving and open....but it's not always that simple. I'm going on a rant. I grew up an only child. I wasn't raised around a lot of people my own age. I am used to having a lot of space to myself, and privacy. I'm not a group person. I can't stand people staring into my eyes and walking into me, which happens all the time in this town. I am realizing now the damage done to me, though, by mostly men. It's like the same ugliness over and over. I've had problems with women; mainly women who are devoted to these same men and who stand by them, defend them. It all comes down to the same thing: conservatism. Or is it? No, I don't believe in Mr. Right or relationships and I, right now, never want another one. Men cheat, most of them, or eventually want to move on. Men still dominate women, still control them. People, women, let men off the hook and blame society, or "the media" but society and media are comprised of people and dominated by men. There's a statement by Redstockings: "Institutions do not oppress; they are merely tools of the oppressor." Most women aren't radical. Most of them defend men. Progress is agonizingly slow, for that reason.