oh lovelies

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

so....just got into philly

seems like a fun city but this place I'm staying in has a curfew of 2AM. I mean, in NYC when I'm with my friends the night is just beginning at this time. I haven't had a curfew imposed on me since I was 15 years old. Ridiculous! Also, I looked up when I was on the internet and these two guys were hovering over me. Too close for comfort. I said hi cause I didn't know if they wanted to talk to me, but they were looking at flyers next to me. They had an accent, not sure where. I just will never get used to that. I have really strong personal space issues and it gets on my nerves when people step over my boundaries that way. I know in other cultures it's different but I can't stop thinking it's plain rude. But I won't change them, you know? There's the saying of Al's when in Rome do as the Romans. Americans can be obnoxious but it works both ways. OK, just wanted to spill that, finally. Respect the local customs, right?

Sunday, July 29, 2007

waiting around

for the clothes to finish in the washer, for a phone call, the bus, my food, for my friend to wish me happy birthday, for s to return, for this weather to end, for my passport, the right day for anything----I'm sick of waiting.

Also nothing is ever enough all I do is work but it's never right somehow. Is it...there are many theories as to why. Some of it is beyond my control. Some isn't. Always an0ther mistake--

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

happy b day to me!

Thanks so much to everyone who remembered and wished me well. It really means a lot.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

getting harassed again

My neighborhood is a hotbed for this. Plus, it's another gentrification zone. I could be seen as one of the "new people" coming into this place, paying the new high rents--well, I may be relatively new (been here a year) but I don't fit the rest of the criteria. My place is a fucking slum. A year ago it was worse, and we have a slumlord to boot. I can't completely complain, though. I get along fairly well with my roommate, and it helps that she is here--it's far, far safer. Especially in this area. A year ago I was assaulted, and within the past month I've been nearly assaulted twice and had my ass grabbed; a record of incidents in the 20 some odd years I've lived in NYC.
I could be, I suppose, how do I put this delicately, mistaken for one of the "yuppies" moving into the neighborhood. Honestly, I ......I don't see how on earth heaven or hell I could ever be seen as one of these people the same ones who threw Doritos at me in elementary school.......I sure am convincing. As for gentrification (there are many euphemisms going around).......I don't miss living in fear--I guess all of NYC was like this before it was "cleaned up." Other cities around the world are safer, though, and the people there aren't rich. I am as unyuppie as they come, believe me. I could have been one at one point but instead I became a --------- think I am.............and those same people--not that they ever accepted me to begin with--spit me out, pretty much. So that's why I'm pissed off at constantly--being treated like one of them, when I'm not. I've been called a princess and a spoiled brat and Britney Spears (even though I have nothing against her, really--I like her videos, truly), and "conventional" a "teenager" --I swear that's what this guy would say to me in junior high school. Well, uh, gee, actually I WAS a teenager, but he would say to me, "I'll be you like the Cure." In fact, I didn't like the Cure. Last night someone threw a stick at me (last night) from their car and it's true.....I grew up without money or many nice clothes, while the other girls around me had closets full of designer jeans and sweaters. They could go shopping at the drop of a hat, and didn't understand why I couldn't. It's not only hurtful, it's wrong and infuriating-- Whatever you do, DON'T call me those things. Why can't --it couldn't get more obvious. Go direct your aggression at the real thing.
So walking home these guys were saying to me, "Hey blondie. Nice legs. Come here. Hey mami...." and I don't consider myself blonde even--

why am I being mixed up with these "other" people? Am I that convincing? I should be getting cast more if my act is that good.

Monday, July 16, 2007

progress or going backward?

I'm really trying to stay upbeat on my blog but I can't help the fact that the world has problems.

That said, I'm really upset right now. Last year, I went with some women from the Redstockings group up to Albany, to the NOW conference, to campaign for them to endorse our resolution for universal health care, supporting HR 676. Long story short, everyone I talked to, collecting signatures, supported this. But when we got to the floor, these women, who it doesn't take a genius to guess they must have had an ax or two to grind, basically ripped our resolution to shreds, changing key words like "independence" to "security," taking out the word "men," and other things like that. They also nitpicked over small things, and got very hostile toward us, but what it comes down to is they weren't going to support anything that eliminated (another word they took out) health insurance companies. One can guess why they felt so strongly about this. Even though we had a huge consensus among the masses of women (and men) there, when it came down to those in charge this was too cutting edge, or something. It was a real struggle to get other groups I was involved in to attend meetings about this subject or take any interest in this. Now that Michael Moore's movie is out, which makes pretty much (I haven't seen it but I can guess I think) the same argument, this is on the table, this subject, and those people who wouldn't come to a Redstockings meeting are railing against the US system of health care and shocked at how much better, you could say, it is in pretty much the rest of the world.

So I was in the store, and some people.....white, probably like upper middle class, people you wouldn't have seen in this store in Brooklyn even a year ago, were .....this guy was talking about how he did French theater, or something. It was him, another guy, and a young woman. This guy starts going on a rant, "Michael Moore is an asshole! He just throws stuff together and ....." makes something like "what he calls a documentary....." and then he was talking about how the European system is failing and crumbling, a basic myth that Redstockings pretty much discredited.....you could say that's propaganda.....and this woman had a look of horror on her face, like it must be really awful, we're really under attack now.....America.

A few months ago, I went to this gym in Brooklyn Heights, the first and last time I'll ever set foot in there. There were these (probably) rich white women in there, and one of them was saying something like, "And he wanted me to operate on him, and had this attitude...." and another woman said, "What kind of insurance did he have?" And she said, "Awful insurance." And this woman said sarcastically, "Medicaid!" And the other said, "It was worse than Medicaid...." and I was so offended at this conversation. I don't use Medicaid, but I know people who do, and I know what it's like to have to basically go through volumes of paperwork and, as a self-employed single woman, prove that I deserve health insurance, pretty much. Redstockings made this whole argument about how health care is a feminist issue, yet it's being attacked by women--they for whatever reason worship this system we have like it's God; it's almost sexual, their devotion to the American way. How are we ever supposed to progress if this is how things are? Women hold women back. What can I say? I've dealt with this all my life. But they do.

I have hope. But I can't ignore this, the fact that .....I mean so many women who are feminist don't want to go on this subject or criticize women or say that they oppress other women because that would be suggesting that they deserve to be second class, or something like that, or that solidarity should be unconditional, uncompromising, and that we should view women as nothing less than unyielding, fighting. Well, what can I say? That simply hasn't been my experience. They're not revolutionaries, most of them. They're just not. Am I being mean? It's not out of a desire to attack that I'm writing this, it's just my experience. They just don't want change, not major change. They don't try to change things.

I realize most of the men I fall for tend to be gay or bisexual. When I was a teenager I spent a great deal of time in the gay and lesbian community and still do, even though I am mostly straight. Occasionally I'll be interested in a female but I am very picky; I pretty much prefer men. I don't ....in this film Sorority Boys this girl says, "I thought by going to the other side I'd be getting away from all this. It's exactly the same story." Maybe so. But I don't identify with straight culture, I don't have that many straight friends. And I....I can't stand most straight men. I just can't trust them. They've never given me any reason to. Even my exes would go after anyone who was the far side of attractive, even if they were my friends. They didn't even wait for me to leave the room....then they wondered why I ended things with them. I can't see myself in a relationship. I hear the same story from one woman after another about what men did to them. What will I do about this? I can't live this way, you know? I'm just in a foul mood. Maybe I shouldn't be writing here, maybe I should keep these thoughts private. They're not nice ones. But life is not always nice. Maybe I should go to the movies more, I need to treat myself, in small ways.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

NARAL rocks

Below is an email I got from them. Brrr....it's cold in here, you know safe sex is gonna disappear.....

It’s time for your senator to get in the ring.

We're in a fight against anti-choice senators to pass the Reproductive Health and Privacy Protection Act (RHAPP) and we need your pro-choice senator in our corner.

We’ve already targeted a number of anti-choice senators in our campaign; now it’s time for round two. We need to come out swinging hard; with a left hook from Western New York, a right jab from the Catskills, and a strong punch from New York City. But your senator must join lead bill sponsor Senator Andrea Stewart-Cousins (D-Westchester) and become a co-sponsor of the RHAPP Act.

Your senator has been with us on choice issues in the past; it's time for him or her to get in the ring for RHAPP. Send a letter today urging your state senator to join the bout and knock out the anti-choice voices in the Senate.

Visit the web address below to tell your friends about sending a letter to your state senator.

If you received this message from a friend, you can sign up for NARAL Pro-Choice America's Choice Action Network.

Friday, July 13, 2007

In Union Square

I saw these kids; two girls and a couple guys, high school age. One of the girls caught my eye in particular; I was watching her. She was very pretty, tall, but dressed differently from most of the women around there. I spoke a little with all of them; they were debating lesbian/gay sex. These kids brought me right back to my high school days--and the air--maybe it's cheesy, but if felt the same. Deja vu or something. So even my old high school friends have come back, and I thought it was all lost. It isn't. I wanted to hug them. I couldn't stop watching them, but I didn't want to seem weird, plus I was tired, so I finally got a cab home. May the spirit live on! We need more freaky people in the city; that was a breath of fresh air. And these people are hated by the residents of this neighborhood.....but all those people are like white bread or soap, honestly--their personalities. I felt so elated seeing these kids. The ways I grew up with, are they coming back? Or did they never really leave?

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

abortion rights site

Having been though my own pregnancy scares, I'm grateful that the option is there. I can't say I don't find it a little disturbing, but I don't think abortion should ever be illegal, I'm pro-choice all the way. A woman once asked me at an animal rights demonstration, "Well what do you think of abortion?" I said it's a complicated question....she said, well so is this....to me, vivisection and abortion are not the same thing, not even close. In the latter, you're talking about a live creature that is mentally functioning and fully aware, fully developed....I don't believe a foetus or embryo is that....better to destroy a primitive life form than a human or animal being....so it's nowhere near the same thing. Besides, I don't think vivisection is ever justif

But so I'm pro-choice, I've never been pregnant, which is good because I have never been ready. It would have been disastrous if I had been. But here's a site: I'm not sorry.net.

she (a) said, "That Girl

has been giving us problems from the get go. And he, he is....I don't need to tell you what he is. He is simply not the kind of person decent people spend time with. They're bad enough, each of them, individually, but the two of them combined is a double threat. I don't see any need to be around her. I don't want her in my house. I don't see any reason to invite either of them to any parties or events ....we need her out. She's driving people away from our group....and she's crazy....."

she (b) said, "I'm outing you as a psychological terrorist. It's going to the papers tomorrow, and there's not one mother****ing thing you can do about it....."

fly on the wall

This guy I was, well, am still obsessed with......got married recently. But I keep finding pictures of him with men--in fact they're all with men. He has his arm around them. My imagination gets carried away, and I wish--a sick fantasy--of standing at the doorway and just "happening" to catch a glimpse, then a friend (female) of mine turns up, starts talking, and I put my hand over her mouth. Then we both start to leave, trying not to make noise, but accidentally kick something, which makes a sound, then we both start giggling, then run out. His wife sees us then starts to go into that room.....am I sick? Another outcome is that his wife isn't there; he just sees me running out, then....

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


I don't like translations of songs; they seldom sound right. Songs were meant to be sung in the language they were written in. With foreign, non-English speaking artists this always happens: a mediocre (in my opinion) version is sung on the radio because it's assumed no one in this country wants to hear anything other than English. I'm starting to learn Spanish now....maybe listen to Latin stations?

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Couple interesting links:

I bought a tarot deck recently and found this site where various artists designed cards. Some of these are gorgeous.

Also, this site Stargods

I don't agree with all, but it's informative.

What I deal with every day in Manhattan

This town used to be a haven for artists and other sort of left types from around the world. There was always the conservative element, but you didn't have to look to hard. Or maybe it was always this way, I don't know. I don't remember being harassed daily, or witnessing harassment literally every second, back when I was a teenager like I do now. It just feels worse, unbearable. It's all frat boys on the street, or the black and Hispanic counterparts (I don't mean this in a biased way, it's just how it is), walking into women, literally, on the street, hovering over us/them, leering, pretending not to hear us (like when I ordered coffee today; call me paranoid, but I stated what I wanted clearly....), making comments, or just shouting us down whenever we make a point.....it goes on and on....no it feels worse than ever. Sorry, but it doesn't change from one class group to another. It's harder and harder to find any kind of genuine or interesting people here....it's all frat boys and models. Dare I say I hate it here, and this is the neighborhood I grew up in, that I used to love, that I was so happy to move to. I want to write something positive, but after getting badly screwed over this week by a number of guys, and.....the thing is, so many of these women seem or are completely oblivious to what is actually going on. Denial? That doesn't even begin to describe it. Is it a survival tactic? Are they blocking it out? But that just makes it feel even more defeating. In the West Village, where I grew up, I deal with this daily. Combine that with the stories of mass rape by soldiers in Iraq, by women from there.....and I was nearly assaulted, again, on the subway platform, last week. To their credit, the cops took this guy away. But I need to get out of here. This was the only town I wanted to live in and now I can't wait to leave.

Friday, July 06, 2007


I am so disturbed that we have to fight so hard just to keep abortion legal....this just in from NARAL (and you expect me to be fucking patriotic when the leaders of this nation are telling me what to do with my own body?):

As you celebrate your independence and freedom this week of 4th of July, one more candidate is about to enter the presidential race who is bent on taking away a woman's right to choose: Fred Thompson.

Thompson joins a cadre of candidates who are clamoring to out anti-choice each other.

Mitt Romney has said, "I am pro-life and I support pro-life legislation.... I think the Roe v. Wade one-size-fits-all approach is wrong."

Sen. John McCain, who has voted anti-choice 123 times out of 128 votes on choice, has said "I do not support Roe v. Wade. I think it should be overturned."

And Sen. Sam Brownback has gone so far as to promise that he "will commit to helping end abortion in America...."

Don't be fooled -
Fred Thompson is no better. During his seven years in the U.S. Senate, he voted anti-choice 44 times out of 46 choice-related issues. He has called Roe v. Wade "bad law" and received a 100 percent voting record from the National Right to Life Committee.

Anything can happen between now and the nomination, so stay up-to-date about where the presidential candidates stand on women's freedom and privacy.

Visit our website to find out where all the presidential candidates stand and then forward this message to your pro-choice friends and family.

This 4th of July, don't miss the chance to celebrate your freedom and independence!
My best, Nancy KeenanPresident, NARAL Pro-Choice America
© 2007 NARAL Pro-Choice America ®. All rights reserved.
Paid for by NARAL Pro-Choice America,
www.ProChoiceAmerica.org, and not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee. NARAL Pro-Choice America is a non-profit organization.We respect your privacy and will not share your e-mail address.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

July 4 Pix

I did a fucked up July 4 thing, some pix....

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

High School Druggie

I was so bad, such a brat. But typical. I was sixteen; what does anyone know?

I was militant. A neohippie. Sort of. That mixed with female drag queen, and....I don't know. New Wave? Punk? I never identified with the Sex Pistols and everyone around me worshipped them.

I dropped acid all the time. I'd trip to Led Zeppelin and Srt. Peppers. Later I found out this was .....occult music. And I was flipped out on it. No wonder I lost it, then, briefly.

But ultimately it led to change. Why should I regret it? I was miserable beyond words at Stuyvesant. I was a bad student, hated school and didn't care about college. I was a long way off from that track. I wanted to perform!

So I switched to an alternative high school, took acting lessons, and became an actress. And fooled around with -----, who I later found out....I can't write about this here (whisper: dug up a skull, literally)....but he was the only one I'd been with who I ever felt anything with sexually......

Then I realized it's twenty, thity years later and I discovered punk.....but never totally meshed with that culture.

Then radical cheerleading.....

I never returned to drugs. Though I would like to try E again.....

music video

I am watching them obsessively. That and, let's see, Tyra Banks, and the Wimbeldon matches on TV, like when I'm on the treadmill. Partly to get through it. I got really fascinated by tennis, and watched the match between Serena Williams and the Russian girl Henin, something like that. These are like Amazon women, cool.

So some of the videos: Michael Jackson's Thriller, Madonna, all of them! particularly I love the Papa Don't Preach, and....Gwen Stefani....Janet Jackson....the guy in that video looks like someone I fooled around with last year.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007


I've been feeling guilty, like I'm too harsh or something, with myself and others. I was thinking maybe I'm having a bad reaction to someone, people who give off "bad vibes" and I'm thinking, is it me? I'm trying, really trying, to be nice, more compassionate, unlike the mentality I was raised with: get what you can, anyone who does wrong, has to pay.....you pissed me off so now you're gonna get it, that kind of thing. I'm thinking maybe what I was raised with was over the top, wrong. I was getting my stuff out of the locker, and this woman was standing right in front of mine. I said, as nicely as I could, I just need to get in there and get my stuff. I said, I'll be thirty seconds. I had been thinking I'm mean because I'm not open enough with other women. This woman is like, "Sure! You can take four hours for all I care." It was shocking. Why are women so nasty? What the hell did I do? If I call them out on their behavior, they just turn it against me. I'm the one with the problem, I'm crazy, this or that. I'd been thinking, is it me? and trying to change. Is this psychological terrorism, or just bitchiness? Between what happened with the Street Harassment Project where all these women teamed up to get the founding member out.....sororities, all the backstabbing (to be honest) and bitchiness I've encountered everywhere, really, I want to be friendly with women but you know this is what I get every time. It's always about them having to one up me, be better, somehow, show me who's in charge here.....always, it turns into some kind of deadly power struggle. Even when they smile to my face. It's so hard, it's such work, it's endless.....men pit us against each other, too. It's impossible to go out in this city now without facing harassment from men on the street, or come-ons, or judgement somehow. And I'd been made to feel so awful, like I'm mean, harsh, jealous, ect. I'm trying so hard to be nice, but so far it's led me into still more pain. Where do I go from here?

Someone in SHP once wrote about how we struggle so hard for positive change only to be brutally stabbed in the back by people we're trying to help.....and how....harsh again, there are better people to save and we should run the scumbags over, something to that effect. I don't want to be mean. But sadly, I've found that the struggle in any attempt at social justice is in realizing you're dealing with people who are not perfect, who may not be all innocent. Does that mean they deserve to be oppressed? Of course not.

I want to be forgiving, I don't want to walk around with anger and bitterness, et al. But the new philosophy and mentality I want to live with is one of compassion, and any religion that teaches otherwise is not one I want to go near. Still, maybe some people are really not worth saving, maybe they do deserve revenge. I can't let myself be hurt and even destroyed by someone who only lives for herself, who will never know what my life is like or any thing about me whatever, and yet feels entitled to make a judgment call or....always, always it turns to this, try to dominate me. When I stand my ground and refuse to take it, they somehow disappear, then they see themselves as the victims. It's never them, always others.

There were someone women in the feminist movement who tried to suppress any criticism of other women, or dismiss it, saying that women are really in solidarity together and united against sexism, and that to depict women in a negative light means you're negative, or that it will tarnish their image to the world and make it harder for progress to occur....things like that. It means not criticizing or openly saying anything that makes them less than a shining example of goodness. Well, wrongful behavior is wrongful, no matter who it's coming from, and I can't accept it or be silent about it. I can't lie to myself or to the world. This is the truth about what we're dealing with. The thing is though, I see that becoming equally negative is not the answer, so do I have to be cruel to be kind? Enough with the guilt?

losing stuff

That last entry was a little harsh. But I really don't want to be in a relationship....maybe at one point I dreamt about a white picket fence but now.....?

As it is, I've lost my ipod, my shoes, and my coffee mug all within the past two days. I nearly lost my cell phone but got that back, at least.