oh lovelies

Saturday, August 29, 2015

cannibal cop

Around the time this came out; no joke; I was listening to this song over and over on my phone. He was at the 26th Precinct, to whom I reported the crime when I was attacked. All male officers. So harrowing.....I'm shaken everywhere.

pop psych: narcissim, sociopaths, psychopaths

I jotted this down after reading an article: this associated with narcissism but attributable to others. Mainly all three have a need for validation as well as power and control. I've seen this behavior in poor and oppressed people as well as rich middle class this is one illness that's across the board. Ironically, it manifests itself in pretty much the same ways; except sometimes the middle and upper middle classes will go to greater lengths to hide it. Heaven help you if they sense you know their secret: they will go ballistic at you and often try to destroy you or at least prevent you from talking. Oftentimes they themselves know psychology but will fail to see these traits in themselves and project them onto you making you think you are bad, you are the problem. You're not. They are bad, they are the problem. But they will go the distance to maintain that deception, really do anything to. Their obsession and impulse is to seek out situations of power no matter how irrational and that of course is dangerous to everyone including animals. They will lie about who they really are; and go to any length to present themselves as upstanding members of society; progressive and liberal thinkers (in fact they're the opposite: they usually hold rigid, intolerable and inflexible (usually patriarchal) views on how the world should be and how people should act, what their "role" in society is and expect everyone to act according to that. But if it suits them to the occasion they will pretend to be the opposite. They will involve themselves in liberal and activist causes; and if it gives them the role of the "rescuer" even better as that validates their need for power while disguising their true identity. No one will think they president of the society for abused children or animals is not a nice guy/girl. It also forces they rescue into the position of being grateful and owing them. All of these attributes are glaring red alarms in a potential rapist or date rapist and honestly .....there are many athletes and frat boys and jocks who are great people and there are many of them in my family. But often in those circles (I saw a lot of this at Stuyvesant as well) is the premise that they must win at all costs, blast through obstacles, convince the other party to your way of thinking or change their opinion, win them over, rack up numbers, prizes, statistics you get the idea. And be aggressive and scary to your opponent. But this alone isn't always enough because often these men don't want trouble. Borderline or narcissistic personality comes with it: the need to instill both admiration and fear into another, to draw them into your circle and keep them there; as well as bipolar thinking one minute you're great the next you're terrible no matter what. Rage, intolerance, unforgiveness inappropriate to the situation; i.e. over minor things, can erupt into violence if their superiority is questioned or if they sense that they're losing you.
Women and girls fall for actors, athletes and rock stars because they are good looking, charismatic, famous and rich and achievers in arts and sports as well as "poets" who "understand" them I understand as a teenager I looked up to these men. Often, they do understand. But that's not always a good thing. These are the kinds of people who seek out power, acclaim, fame because it validates them and gives them control. Life is a set of statistics to them, and trophies and men view women as this; as the Other, as less than them, as a thing; and they seek out environments and situations where they won't be criticized or punished for this type of thing but told that it's ok to behave this way even if you are damaging people and lives. I can understand being attracted to boys in bands and actors but athletes especially are trained daily in aggressive, high adrenaline settings and to seek winning numbers, points, prizes, money; and to move up the ladder by pushing others down. This doesn't make for boyfriend material because he carries that mentality over to women and to put it plainly he doesn't give a shit about you or anyone else he's sexually involved in. It can hurt to be psychologically coerced or manipulated into degrading, humiliating and painful sex acts and this further confused by the fact that in these circles this type of behavior is  accepted and they get away with it; while they think you're just a cheap tramp. Maybe some women act "cheap" or dress that way and be they ever so this, so that, even if they act "trashy" no one deserves to be treated like shit. No one deserves to be lied to to get them to consent to sex then dumped like used toilet paper. But that's how it happens and it's condoned and accepted; these men are surrounded by people who parrot and reinforce what they want to hear which is that they are right, can do no wrong, and it's acceptable to hurt people this way and a good thing. But it is none of these things. It's not acceptable, it's not good, and nothing but wrong ever comes of this behavior. It creates long-term ill effects emotionally, psychologically, socially; it tears apart relationships, friendships, and is purely destructive. The emotional toll is not always visible but is disastrous. This whole basketball player/ex gf suit maybe they are both immature and both wrong. She may be telling the truth it wouldn't be surprising. The difference between consented to and not consented to sex can be hazy and confusing. Maybe you agreed to this but not to that but he argued with you tried to change your mind told you that (usually in more glossy terms) this turns him on and that if you don't do this he will find some other girl who will. There is always "some other girl" outside. So you finally give in under pressure and even though you said yes and you weren't physically forced you ended up being talked into something you didn't really want  to do. You don't want to think your bf is a monster and maybe he isn't. He has good qualities.....but point being a lot of athletes are narcissistic and are in a setting in which women aren't respected and in the end he chose someone else for his wife while you were a "side chick." Thing is, he probably treats his wife just as shittily. The more women and girls are educated the less shiny the fool's gold. Venus, goddess of love, is of smoke and mirrors. Narcissists concoct an image but it's a facade to draw you in. They can sense where you are vulnerable and suck on that and suck on that and suck on that the vampires they are til there's nothing left of you, til you're haunted by a ghost of your old self with no idea what happened. But an attachment is an attachment and some women (men) won't let go and if they're narcissistic in their own way they will seek their own validation. Or revenge. Well, the best advice would be know what and who you are dealing with.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

thinking back

there was quite a bit of sympathy and kindness coming my way and I'm grateful for that in fact my heart bleeds.....it really means everything to me. I don't always act like it but it does. thank you.

Someone tried to pay an inmate at Estrella prison to harass Jodi Arias

from the site www.jodiariasisinnocent.com

According to the site there was a Jodi hater who offered to pay an inmate at her former prison, Estrella, to harass her. I've already made my feelings known about certain people. The inmate, to her credit, refused and reported it to Jodi and the staff at the prison and it's now on record as well as the name of the person who attempted this. That's stalking, which is illegal.

A lot of stuff I wrote

Recently was not pleasant but I am not someone who thinks horribly of people; I don't. Some things I experienced were at the hands of a few individuals who are not nice. The fallout from that was devastating. I learned the hard way the truth about them. However, like I said, there are a lot of great people in the world you know I haven't forgotten that. I wish I did not have to say this or write this and leave it to someone else to deal with because I'm a writer and performer, not the police, not a psychiatrist. But I was forced to deal with it and it's so much of the time on looking back I think I should have just walked away, had I been able to foresee the future but when you're in the moment these things aren't clear. Or when I'd hoped to quietly walk away but that didn't happen. BUT anyway in the here and now is where I am and looking forward to what's next.


Sorry for the delay. The past few days had me on a mad chase to get some stuff done and deal with some issues, which haven't been fully resolved. 

I read an article about a girl who is suing a basketball star, or some such, saying he drugged and raped her at some point in the past. She never reported it to the police, which is a major strike against her, and this is suddenly surfacing some years later with nothing to back up her claims, apparently. For the life of me I don't understand why some women don't report crimes against them. I know the police are a corrupt institution, or at least highly imperfect. Yes there are "good cops" but there has been rampant abuse as well. Still, that doesn't change the fact that if you are in danger from someone you need to get a record of this and as much as possible to back up what you say or who the fuck will believe you? You have nothing to validate yourself.  When I was attacked two months ago, as soon as, thank God, I managed to escape the first thing I did was go to a pay phone and call 911. I had to tell the police who were all men in explicit detail what he did to me: he raped me orally and forced me  (under threat of serious bodily harm or death, or that he'd go after my friends and family) to perform degrading sex acts that I'd objected to many times as well as other stuff (ugly, horrible, some other time for this.....forced me to watch kiddie porn, bestiality...... sick and disgusting which I had always said I objected to without exception because I do. I am a person of ethics and have an active hatred for any kind of art which degrades women; and I am no fan of anything or anyone that abuses children or animals and anyway that's a felony; ) and filmed me on his phone while he was attacking me. I DID NOT consent to any of it and had refused before he attacked me and, believe me, there's no mistake, he knows I didn't consent. The police didn't believe it was rape since this is someone I'd been involved with and discouraged me from going to a SART nurse though the paramedics came as he'd hit me and spit on me repeatedly, pulled my hair til it was in knots and tried to strangle me. He'd told me this was only the beginning and he was going to basically torture and repeatedly rape and then kill me, then himself. The only thing that saved me was, because we were in his car, he was leaving to go into the apartment that he was staying in and told me to follow him saying if I left he'd find me. I said nothing merely nodded and when he got out I dressed, got out to follow him and he'd refused to give me my IDs and stuff that was in the back of the car but I managed to grab it quickly then he told me to walk behind him, and I did, but turned on the next corner and went to the phone and called 911. Every time I write about or talk about this I relive the hell and being that.....we had hung out many times and it's true there were drugs involved I know it's not a good thing but that what it was I can't deny it. However; I had made clear I wouldn't do certain things and repeatedly objected to the horrific videos and refused to watch them. I hadn't wanted to talk about any of this same as with Ted I had originally wanted merely to walk away, move on, and hope this situation would resolve itself somehow, but that didn't happen, and I had no choice but to go public and talk about it. I'm withholding names right now but people responsible know who they are. I'm writing about this for my safety so if I disappear it will be well known that it wasn't an accident; that it was retaliation and vindictiveness on these people's part. The world needs to know and women need to be aware of what's out there and that a crime is a crime; bottom line I have to fight even if my defenses are few; and at the time I had none; it was only by the grace of God and spirits I got out alive and with only a few bruises; and let it be known I am simply not going to take any shit. Neither should anybody. There are Web sites out there, such as the repugnant Dark Web, which post live "snuff films" of rape, murder and torture of women that they've been stalking and conspiring to to this to for a long time. There are men out there (some women, unfortunately) who are seeking their next victim, and the SVU counselor told me they look for someone vulnerable, who won't be missed, who they think is too timid or meek to go to the police.....if this person thought that about me he was wrong. I agree with Loolwa Khazzoom that women should be allowed to and encouraged to carry firearms. For protection only, not to harm someone for superfluous or no reason. There are many people hiding behind false identities, which much of the time they have carefully crafted; fake avatars, proxy servers; knowing if they get caught they will go to jail and because deep down they are cowardly losers, who arrogantly boast about hurting defenseless women, children, animals.....anyone who they think can't fight back and because their feeling of power comes from thinking that they will get away with it. And furthermore, here this ain't Saudi Arabia. America is far from perfect but we do have civil rights here and for good reason. Two of my exes are facing jail time for rape and another has been credibly accused by a number of women across the country of the same. These crimes are under reported in the media oftentimes but I'm telling you they are a colossal problem, not a minor side issue that it's often treated as, that is not going to go away. I've read some forensic psychology and one of the theories is that these people are somehow emotionally regressed into an infantile stage obsessed with immediate gratification, thrill seeking.....and have an inability to control impulses and have a need for a feeling of power, even if only a temporary one, despite the long term consequences. They are sick. Many of them regret what they've done but due to their illness feel they are unable to stop. I was told by a friend that many men who watch kiddie porn are themselves married with children, and there are cases of women raped by their husbands even after decades of marriage and even though they have children together. This was also told to me by the SVU counselor; There are..... I'm sorry, but I'm telling it like it is..... there are men who have girlfriends and wives who are serial rapists. Know what you are getting yourself into and heed the warning signs. It
.....the lady paramedic was very sweet and supportive and this person was taken away in handcuffs and I got a restraining order against him. Following through on this has been a harrowing and tumultuous ordeal and I didn't trust people before but now I know not to trust anyone. This person I knew well for years and had thought was a friend even though he'd been abusive to me before it was never to this degree and followed up with apologies and him swearing he wouldn't hurt me and such. He has serious problems and it's very sad because he is capable of better. For two months the fallout and aftermath have been hell at times but there has been, which I'm grateful for, good as well. Despite that I was discouraged from it, I went to Bellevue later and got a rape kit done and they were all quite nice and supportive. I don't enjoy writing about this and dealing with prosecutors, counselors, medics.....yes it's horrible to have to relive over and over what happened but repressing this is dangerous and harmful. Later, I was hospitalized and had a cat scan done. My hair is still in knots.
But reading about this alleged rape lawsuit infuriated me. I don't know what happened that day, I wasn't there. No one does, and therein lies the problem. There are people who will do anything for money including bring false allegations against someone and a frivolous, fraudulent lawsuit thinking they will get rich quick. Another case in point is those two women who tried to sue the management of the building that burned down on the lower east side even though they weren't hurt when there were people who died from this fire, people who nearly lost everything; they are a disservice and disrespect to serious and valid cases like mine and many others. The counselor also told me that she had talked to a girl who escaped the "Long Island serial killer" and is naturally traumatized though thankfully she survived. Others did not, tragically. Keep records of where you are, let people know, because there is real shit out there. This guy hasn't been caught. Don't walk down isolated country roads or alleyways or streets alone at night if you can avoid it or, once again, let someone know where you are. At times I pretended to be on the phone with someone; I mean I lived in Bedford Stuyvesant. Don't get so drunk you don't know where you are or what you're doing; I was waiting for the PATH train once and there was a girl who was dressed up like going to a party; who was seriously drunk or maybe she'd been roofied, and these men were making vulgar comments at her; I gave her my shawl because she looked cold. I got on the train when it came and she remained in the station; God I hope she's ok. Another time I gave money to a woman who said her husband beat her up and she was pretty badly injured I saw it. I had to call the cops another time in White Plains because these men were following a woman and pushing her around. This is unacceptable. People who witness crimes like this or hear screams of help and DON'T call 911 and do nothing are, in my opinion, equally monstrous and equally guilty and belong in jail for this and legally that makes them an accessory. The girl (Sarah Coit) who was stabbed a few years ago; OK I'm revising this: conflicting reports. One person heard and called the cops apparently there were others who knew what was happening yet did not. A little confusing. But honestly if you witness an attack like this and CAN call 911 but DON'T well I already said my piece. 
It's not for no reason that I watch crime shows and have seen enough of Law and Order, SVU to know what to do if stuff goes down. I've read some criminal law and forensic psychology like I said. Ignorance is bliss until reality comes and bites you in the ass and I am someone who needs to know what's going on. I guess I can't just go with the flow and hope everything works out and I never had the luxury of being able to assume that we live in a benevolent society. After being bullied in elementary and junior high school and people choosing to divulge stuff to me I guess I became privy to information most people don't know about. I wasn't able to put it out of my mind and move on like I'd wanted to. Some people I had the bad fortune to let into my world; that I admit is where I fucked up; but they did not seem "bad" they were very likeable and charismatic on the surface; turned out to be damned nasty in reality. 
BUT there are others who were good to me and I haven't forgotten that either. I owe these people a lot. Of course I'm grateful for that. But all these things that are surfacing now: the scandals; public figures in high places that stuff about them was unearthed.....for so long this was under the surface and a deadly virus that was corrupting everything. It's very scary and emotionally I'm shaken up from writing about this and dealing with this but despite that things need to be said.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Went to Bigelows and tried on some make up lipstick and base cover up (which I rarely use) which was too intense and heavy.....kind of funny I looked freakish, like a Cirque de Soleil performer. Two months after my attack I woke from the initial shell shock though I always knew what was happening: an attempt to trick me into doing sick sex shit that I would never do (or anyone in their right mind) when that didn't work this person became physically violent. I'm not naming names now but ugh! the lows that humans sink to and two of my former bfs, yes, admittedly, you know are capable of far better and it's not like I didn't warn them about certain things. They knew plenty well what they were getting into and they went ahead anyway. I feel like as I have studied psychology either these people are trying to provoke or get caught I don't know or else the fear or rationality factors or chemicals in their brains are inhibited or weak or not there. The brain releases chemicals for different situations as an evolutionary survival mechanism and fear factor is one of them. The message "Don't go out tonight!" "Don't jump into that volcano!" "Don't do this; it's not worth the consequences" or some such message to hold one back. Sometimes it's necessary to step out of a comfort zone scary though it is but there is a difference between that and immature stupidity and failure to control impulses. You can't keep defending shitty behavior even if you were driven to it or under pressure from others if you're hurting others and damaging lives; even under threat, you hurt innocent people you're a cunt, and I don't sympathize or care what your excuse is. Excuses are a dime a dozen. You have family, well so do I; I was hurt and we were hurt by what you did. You had a choice; you chose to act on the side of cruelty and immorality. The Nazi soldiers stated they were merely following orders. Understandable, but not an excuse. On further discussion this may be more clear. I'll leave it here for now. You of whom I speak, you know what I'm talking about. If you are helping or benefiting yourself by hurting me or another innocent person and making a deal with the devil then you are simply an asshole, pure and simple, and I hope he charges high interest oh yes if such was life and so simple. yeah, that I hope. I'm withholding names but those of whom I speak if you're reading this you know what I'm talking about and who you are and let's not kid ourselves, if you're righteously indignant it's melodrama and, yes, my criticism of you is valid. Maybe you'll learn from it, if you're at all human. 

Monday, August 17, 2015

Friends who've disappeared

At my former job a woman had warned me to stay away from cults emphasizing (to me) "you are very susceptible." Probably true. Fortunately people stepped in when ..... these people tried to recruit me. A former boyfriend had joined, ok I won't say "cult" but, well, they wanted me to part with my life savings to give to them saying that my life would improve and my money increase tenfold, something like that, after I join them and have a "breakthrough." This was.....the Landmark Forum. I don't want to cast aspersions, but my ex boyfriend joined them and......disappeared. I have no idea where he is. Not on Facebook, Twitter, I tried emailing him and can't get in touch. My friend Aeysha in Evanston, another mystery. oh boy. This is getting cryptic. I may just be unaware maybe they changed their names I don't know. But ?

Hamptons and back.....

Had a nice weekend out there with family and friends.....I saw spiders on one of the porches and was watching them. I think it was a family of them. I looked up spiders on the Web pardon the pun and found an article describing the different......breeds genus something, plus an article on how spiders fuck. Or mating rituals.....that plus two novels ..... Now I'm back in the city and to my life  the people here so......and they're great you know, so it is how it is.....that didn't come out right apologies my concentration is not at its best now......point being I had a very nice time and am grateful, was very much to be surrounded by woods and hear crickets at night.

Saturday, August 08, 2015

Jim Morrison poster

Maybe it's in my mind but a picture of him I saw it's like he was staring right at me. Then I read a post about someone having psychic dreams about JM. Why would he want to talk to me? I was never that into the Doors. I had a dream about him years ago. The whole Laurel Canyon scene it was before my time.....

Thursday, August 06, 2015

Prom Night

my aunt took me to see this when she herself was a teenager and I was.....five? not sure.....severed head on the dance floor and all......this was in Michigan which is creepy enough at night. Her friends were driving us through a tunnel and she commented probably someone was murdered there.....my generation I guess we were exposed to, well, everything.....even without internet. One day at camp, summer camp, I was about seven, and these two boys, junior high-aged.....approached me while I was waiting for my ride home. They asked me if I wanted to go "fuck" --I'd heard that term knew it was obscene and a "bad word" but.....? the meaning.....I won't go into what else they said. Pretty terrifying, actually.....at age eleven my friend Cherish and I were, at separate times, harassed by a Mexican (not a jab against Mexicans) El train ticket agent. He asked me, "Do you want to meet me for coffee when you're sixteen?" We were both afraid of "him" he has a pencil-thin mustache and I only.....I hope no one ever got in his grasp......well, you know, this is how it was.

Monday, August 03, 2015

Drawing St. Anthony

On the train to Rockaway the other night, crowded as fuck, amazing on a Saturday night more people are going from Manhattan to Brooklyn, than vice versa. Bridge and Tunnel takes on a new meaning! ha......anyway, a man was wearing an "I can't breathe!" T shirt. I had been listening to the Clash song "Murder is a crime/unless it was done/by a policeman/or an aristocrat" .....I had downloaded that song and was listening to it; that and a song by Public Enemy "Letter to the NY Post" over and over again the day of this incident. I was standing in line at the post office with my mom to apply for a passport. John Kennedy and JFK Jr and Princess Diana were all (the last two likely anyway) killed, and came from a blue-bloodline. Ugh.....I haven't really followed this incident but can't ignore it; knowing (I smoke from time to time, yeah, not healthy, but also shitty as fuck for the state to tax cigarettes so high and make these stupid laws busting deli owners for selling out of state cigarettes thus leading to the new "black market" Eric Garner was part of. All it is is some poor sucker needing a cigarette not wanting to pay $14 and someone making money on the books or not this is NYC and I found out that there is plenty of......well this system I mean this is my opinion is just stupid.
People are horrible and I have been around them. On either side of the equation they we are all human but it's just the same petty meanness. A guy selling 75 cent cigarettes is put in a chokehold when the American people have been robbed and our economy is in the toilet and people can't afford cigarettes or subway fare or food or rent not to mention our privacy invaded and make no mistake this was all ILLEGAL. To their credit the cops helped me when I was attacked and saved me and I'm thankful for that and having seen cops walk past me and a young rookie kid cross him self.....another interview with a young kid officer who started crying...... no I don't think they deserve or that anyone really deserves to get shot at least 98 % don't.....I mean I feel for that. The problem is......sigh.  The bigger picture is the wrongness of human beings and lack of integrity and the men I've been involved with not all but a lot (yes some women too) horrible misconduct on their part I wasn't going to write about this but it's the way it is. They took advantage of me and the situation and their behavior can't be excused. Nor am I the only one they did this to. I don't know all the details I don't know what goes on, you know, when I'm not there because I am not there. I only know what I read. But invasion of privacy is a crime; spying on people in their homes without their knowledge given they are not criminals or terrorists but merely because you don't like them personally or .....what have you......is not backed up by any law. This has happened, does happen. I wish I didn't have to write about this.....it's a gruesome thing but like people have said something in me attracts attention and I don't try to.