I was 23 making a lot of dumb decisions the consequences of I am living with to this day. How I want once and for all to just be free of it. True I was young and confused I didn't know what I was doing. No one is of sound mind at that age. Still.....it was a waste. I did a lot of good things too. But there is something else.....something bigger, fiercer and darker. Only in parts is it becoming clear. I was surrounded by a lot of people who were not well intentioned......just not good people period. Classic alcoholic behavior.........lots of drama, lots of haze and noise......but deceptive. Everything is somebody else's fault. Everyone else is wrong. Everything is your fault, someone else's and never theirs. =
Monday, December 16, 2013
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Sitting in a marble hill chinese food place while my clothes wash and eating my second hot and sour soup I am ......I dunno. Sorry was meant to be a draft. I watched Fargo and Erin Brockovitch two favorite films of mine while I was recovering from illness or rather while I was ill. I saw the second one in a makeshift theater in hells kitchen no longer there.....guess I like this film because I can understand some of what the character deals with though her way is not necessarily mine. Fargo I am obsessed with kind of reminds me of family and people I know in Michigan......it's kind of similar to Minnesota if not the same.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Lots. The heat comes through the vents and I blast the heater. Close the windows as the draft is what started it. I have to be basically incubated when I sleep or I get sick. That's what I love about the old buildings in the east village they are steam heated tiny and cozy. And warm.
I was deathly sick for a week. Waking up coughing. Any exposure to air would set it off. ........said I would be a good girl scout problem is I eat......a lot. I run a lot. Lift legs huff puff then cough out my stomach. Hung out last night at a local club partly work a very sweet acquaintance. I got into these e cigarettes (quit smoking many years ago) but they add to the problem......they scratch at my lungs even if they are not smoke so I had to lay off them as well. The trains aren't heated enough and running in the cold doesn't help but as hell as it is I feel better after running. Mentally and emotionally I was smashed, in a horrible place. I am better. Replaced the flowers guess that made the difference?
Friday, December 13, 2013
They say document oh god yes live in your mind heart everything shaking ........thought you were.dying but rising out of the flames......they tried to kill you but they can't .......some people are worth saving and others are not. A girl wrote once "let them all walk out in front of the bus and we'll run the scum over. There are better people to save." Harsh but hey......live your life being nothing but a cunt, living selfishly and hurting other people, for no reason other than you feel you want and deserve what they have entitled to what? At the end of the day you go home alone you are alone you have nobody except false friends because that's what you attract, you alienated everyone else......
Monday, December 09, 2013
Sunday, December 01, 2013
This is a small walk from where I live.....I went running this morning. The opposite way toward Seton Park.....had my head phones on. I came back and saw ambulances a police cadaver truck, then heard the chopper hovering super low. I knew something was going on.....the whole atmosphere was bad and I always feel these things. For a number of reasons many personal ones it brought out the worst in me. I managed to document some of it......
The sunny pictures were taken around 8 am the others after ten......