oh lovelies

Saturday, June 21, 2008

crazy girl across the hall

Maybe when there's time I'll go into it more. She moved in about a couple months ago, not sure. After two weeks I was ready to move out, because of her. I thought if I kept avoiding and ignoring her, she'd get the hint and go away. Instead, she tries harder to get my attention. She picks fights about mundane things, like, believe it or not, toilet paper. It is hard to even write this it's so absurd. I kept my mouth shut and restrained myself unbelievably which is not like me. She picked another fight about me moving her rug when I had to take a shower, never mind that it's incredibly rude (not to mention impractical) to put a white rug in a bathroom shared by four people. A woman I know once made a remark about how white rugs are not friendly, people-friendly. They're offensive, they're there to drive people away. I hung it on the shower but ....it's not even worth writing about it. I hate this situation and can't stand to be there. I am being harassed. Then the other one in the room next to me started with me about keeping cleaning fluid on the bathroom floor. If she were a neat person it'd maybe be justified....but this is someone who left a broken mirror and bags full of trash and rotten food in the kitchen for weeks at a time. It was unbearable with just the one but now it's them. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. Call me a bitch, but I don't think it's me. Or maybe it is. But regardless, I am finding a subletter and moving til the place downstairs, which was supposed to be ready four months ago, is finished.
Honestly, the one across the hall is trying to bully me. The story of my life--having to fight people like this. I lived alone and thought that'd be a solution but it wasn't really. But from now on I think that's what I need. I didn't choose roommates, I thought I had to. These people are off the street useless individuals, just my opinion. Maybe I'm arrogant. Not flawless, but this isn't about that. I can't stand this, maybe I really need to live alone. I have to find something. This is unbearable.

The city is too crowded and today I had to deal three times with someone invading my personal space and I did get very, very mad. I'm not someone who should ever be provoked. I don't understand people who do. One of these days these people are going to piss off the wrong individual and.....

it's taking all my will power to deal with this in a mature way and not become a spiteful person because I don't want to be that. People (all men, by the way) have told me I have to fight hard and ruthlessly to keep from being walked over. Unfortunately that is true sometimes. I have been forced to fight back innumerable times. Sometimes it's men who try to push me around or cheat me-- but often, most often it's women. Maybe it's power, intimidation, I don't know. But I don't want to live this way. It's ugly and negative. Still, and I'm a woman, the more daily meanness I encounter the more I feel like, why am I trying so hard to save the world, save people, when this is how I'm treated? Someone in the street harassment project wrote an email on a similar subject, how we're taught to think, this person has been eaten away by racism/sexism--whatever it is-- and it's made them ruthless or bitter...... but how many excuses can you make? Meanness and selfishness cut across all barriers. So does irresponsibility. Why care about those who don't care about me, who would be happy to see me hurt and humiliated? But like I said, the problem with being nasty is, you come to their level. I go everywhere, and away, to get away from this, but like that girl across the hall and the people who sat right next to me in a restaurant full of empty tables, there's always another around the corner. I try to get away but I can't, it seems. I have to, though. I have to get away from this. My emotional survival depends on it.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Dream today, passed out

Trying to remember it.....but I was reading a bio or watching something on Vivien Leigh and it was talking about her "summer in Middlemarch" and how she was troubled at first but soon became the toast of the town. I only know of Middlemarch as a novel by George Sand (which I haven't read) but nothing else--but here it was a summer resort town in England--you know the kind--boring and remote, with not enough people, not enough to do--but for those who can afford it expensive resort clothes and cars. I'm used to New York where it's non-stop chaos. Which is what I was coming from before I fell asleep. But anyhow--I was on the beach in "Middlemarch" and the water was partitioned off, kind of--I think it was the ocean--but very calm, then suddenly bursts of waves. Rushing in at me. And gorgeous little buildings. I was saying, I love England....where before I had expected to find the countryside there pretty but dull....and before I dreamt this I was in a museum of Canada--something like that--but with beautiful wooden furniture and other things like that, and I was going to call my mother and ask her if she wanted to come to this museum. Oh, and also, I had been in some kind of vegetarian restaurant that had been closing but there was a cute guy there and this was part of the museum and well, it's kind of complicated. But I did get some good vegetarian food. So back to being in this English town--I was running around some kind of pond, with trees and vegetation around it--and my cat Okie was there, except he froze up, turned around, and when I saw his face it was contorted, and I was walking into the water-- And in this place I was on vacation with my mother, SOnny(mother's husband) and Sam (my sister) --I went back to meet them-- and then we were walking toward the car or something--but then we encountered a pond of water that we had to walk through--I think I was wearing shower shoes--so we walked into and we were up to our hips in this cold water and we were walking toward what was supposed to be a car--and I was saying, we have to drive through this? We made it to the "car" but I wasn't sure if it was that or a boat, and I said, "I hope this isn't a boat, cause if it is, it's sinking." And my mother asked if this was a boat and Sonny said, yes, then cowered in a corner--and I was saying, we're going to get hypothermia if we stay in here. I got out of the water onto some kind of surface....

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

For Yetta Kurland for City Council '09

Yetta's awesome and so was this event 5/31/08. I'm SO glad I got to go except my makeup was a disaster. But whatever--this event was not about makeup. It worked for the stage and camera, though. The "energy" was fantastic and it was all great and brilliant. I will be uploading some videos to youtube but am having problems with the conversion process.....

various rants

Sitting in a coffee shop there's someone, a girl/woman, with a book open that's been heavily highlighted. She's writing extensively in a notebook. I envy anyone who can take notes like that, I never could. My notes ended up looking like the bottom of a chicken coop. Besides, when someone is writing in a notebook next to me it becomes very frustrating--like I want to know what they're writing about. What heavy drama is in their lives that I'm missing? Most of the time I know nothing about anyone. There's so much going on around me that I don't know of.

I've been so lucky I've had really cute, amazing guys I met .... and had incredible experiences I wouldn't have otherwise. I can't deny that I have had other not so great ones. But I can have....so much fun with a person and not be ripped apart by all the drama that comes with "dating." Here, everyone's up front about it. There's no pretending-- about anything! It's a real relief.