oh lovelies

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Encounter last night

I was leaving a coffee shop around 27th street last night when this guy kind of waved at me on the street. I went up to him and asked if I knew him......we started talking. He was from Turkey, kind of older. Turns out, he wanted to do my hair! I do need that....especially now that summer's coming (thank God). I've had enough of the cloudy weather.....

Sunday, May 29, 2011



 these drug and pharmaceutical companies that make themselves out to be holier than thou to the American public, who fought Obama's health care plan, we being the only industrialized nation in the world without one, well their true identities are finally leaking through.....oh but wait a minute. Guess people knew that already! all that PR couldn't save them. Still, I am so appalled at what people do, though anyone who harms innocents this way is not human. They must be the lowest life forms that have ever existed. Anyway, enough of the preaching.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

year and a half ago

Summer what was it? 2009? Up and down quite a lot. At best it was creative, bright, brilliant, inspired and spirited in the most profound way. At worst, it was horrible. Up and down. Hearing the song Hotel California brought it back once just before taking that place in Bushwick I was running through the park. It started raining like mad. I thought I'd get electrocuted, seriously. And someone had that song on their radio. I don't believe in the devil as good or bad or who knows.....? Dancing in my room to that song. I danced a lot. It made me famous. It also made me the target of a lot of envy. That's just realistically how it was.

But no matter. I got a call saying a guy I was seeing was making out with another girl then I go to a wild party, end up in a hotel, partly devastated from the news I got, partly partying. A hotel on Essex St. ironically just around the corner from where he lived . The next day I saw Bhudda and the Virgin Mary then Michael Jackson died. You will become well known, was the message I got....

Friday, May 27, 2011

Rock Opera

For the Fringe Fest I figure what the hell.....even though singing is not my forte. It's called Winner Take All....bizarre I was just listening to that song.

Mac Beth Auditions!!!!

I am so psyched about this.....in Brooklyn no less. It's been a while, excepting one that I went to recently, since I've really auditioned for a play or anything. A chance to do something really.....perfect my Shakespeare. I have in mind for monologues the Fool, Iago, La Pucelle.....or something from the play?

night, monsoon, tiles on the bathroom floor

Something about that night, a year and a half ago, maybe two years. Ay where does the time go? It was raining so hard it was like literally buckets coming down. The streets flooded, impossible to go anywhere without getting soaked.....
I somehow with my umbrella navigated my way toward the train station. I was on the phone with a friend....a certain controversy we were discussing. Thing is.....well situation not so black and white. More like a cancer where you have the natural body and the invasion integrated. But....the event I went to was, how do I describe it? Really awesome. Unfortunate that there is this ugly stuff going on. But anyway, I remember that night as something really out of this world and exceptionally beautiful. I was drinking a lot of red wine til I was pretty blurred. I just remember looking down at the tiles on the bathroom floor, black and white. This old fashioned bathtub. My roommates asleep so I had to be quiet. The rain outside. It was pitch black also. It was me up at whatever hour it was, everyone else sleeping. And on the phone talking. So there was great stuff and awful as well. I remember the better looking back.

read tarot

I usually lay out the cards, then write down what came up, because sometimes it's not clear til you look at it more than once. Like reading a book, the first time you don't get everything, sometimes you have to read it over and over.

Anyway, there is a combination of good and bad. Things seem worse than they are. People aren't out to get me, except for one woman who is jealous and who is blocking my personal progress (chariot reversed). (Queen cups reversed, seven of swords reversed, wheel of fortune reversed). The same thing comes up over and over. This is a woman who is emotionally unbalanced and a scene maker. It's in the position of environment/friends so I gather it is another person in question.  Things were fucked up but I interpreted them as worse than they were. The need (four of cups) to take personal time to get it together, wait for things to settle. Situations overblown, quarrels and strife (five of wands, five of swords in another reading, plus five of coins).....cards said my environment is good (except for QCups R) and people like me.....good; or at least are sympathetic to my side.

Because this was a week where many things did not go right. First, my travel plans didn't work out. Secondly, a visit from someone went disastrously. I felt sad, defeated, and frustrated. I can see now it was a mixture of minor problems that accumulated til the threshold broke; things got out of control. And there is a woman causing most of it. A drama queen.....


That wasn't meant to be published. it's how I felt at the time. I don't hate person in question. I am very upset and distraught at how things have happened. It just wasn't right. Any of it.

Monday, May 23, 2011

she said

"Recycling other people's music is not very inspiring." In a magazine somewhere. I should cut that quote out and paste it to a demo of the song she copied, with the footage of her doing it. And send it to her.

Friday, May 20, 2011

gentrification and life in nyc


to say Manhattan isn't what it used to be doesn't begin to go there. The kind of people in ....the lower east side and east village now.....quite frankly, the scene is evil. That is my opinion. These are the people I came to the city to get away from. They are over-privileged,annoying, ignorant and stupid. And have seemingly an endless flow of cash to blow to the four winds. They have no culture, to put it mildly. Simone de Beauvoir wrote about an atmosphere of ennui or boredom in Hollywood and places like it and it's here too. I don't like being in Tribeca, my mom's neighborhood. It was once an area of art galleries, there was a huge mural I walked past thousands of times which is now a billboard. The people inhabiting Tribeca now are these Jersey/Long Island trash Republican idiots. Hate is not a nice word. But New York is not New York. They are not good people. They are not people I want in my life in any way. That is my opinion of them.I suppose that comes across as very harsh to some people. But every day I walk past  them, their smug looks their barbaric ....what do I say? They're like retarded children set loose in a diamond shop. They are intolerant themselves. They are ignorant. They are not up to any good, most of them. Oh, believe me I can tell you stories. They are awful individuals. OK. That's what I think of them.

BUT that's what happens when you get a Republican mayor who harasses club and bar owners to the point where you can't even dance in a bar. Who closes down ....sends the police to terrorize kids having parties (the early 00s I lived through that). Raises the rents to absurd levels. Tells the police to arrest homeless people for being homeless. Pretty much. The city is safer and cleaner than it was. Not all was fabulous back in the days. But there is no culture. There is very little inspiration in the daily crowd-----these people they're like sorority/fraternity people. I have to say I do not like sororities or fraternities. Even growing up I had to deal with people who because they were born into money knowing they had this croaker's green to fall back on they thought they were entitled to any damn thing they wanted, and that I somehow owed them something. They resented me for being pretty, original and talented. Excuse me, I didn't know that was an offense. But others offended me by their relentless flaunting of their pretty much stolen, fraudulently gotten wealth when I was barely remaining alive. Guess what, many of those people are now in jail. Good riddance man, of the riff raff. But there must be far, far more.

sounds like a country song.....

I gave you so many chances
and you just took me for granted
now I'm off to see new lands
I carry the weight of the world

I'll have it no more

Current Events

Freaky; in light of recent Royal Weddings, I randomly found this work by Christina Rossetti, one of my favorite poets. 

by: Christina Rossetti (1830-1894)
      WAS a cottage maiden
      Hardened by sun and air,
      Contented with my cottage mates,
      Not mindful I was fair.
      Why did a great lord find me out,
      And praise my flaxen hair?
      Why did a great lord find me out
      To fill my heart with care?
      He lured me to his palace home--
      Woe's me for joy thereof--
      To lead a shameless shameful life,
      His plaything and his love.
      He wore me like a silken knot,
      He changed me like a glove;
      So now I moan, an unclean thing,
      Who might have been a dove.
      O Lady Kate, my cousin Kate,
      You grew more fair than I:
      He saw you at your father's gate,
      Chose you, and cast me by.
      He watched your steps along the lane,
      Your work among the rye;
      He lifted you from mean estate
      To sit with him on high.
      Because you were so good and pure
      He bound you with his ring:
      The neighbours call you good and pure,
      Call me an outcast thing.
      Even so I sit and howl in dust,
      You sit in gold and sing:
      Now which of us has tenderer heart?
      You had the stronger wing.
      O cousin Kate, my love was true,
      Your love was writ in sand:
      If he had fooled not me but you,
      If you stood where I stand,
      He'd not have won me with his love
      Nor bought me with his land;
      I would have spit into his face
      And not have taken his hand.
      Yet I've a gift you have not got,
      And seem not like to get:
      For all your clothes and wedding-ring
      I've little doubt you fret.
      My fair-haired son, my shame, my pride,
      Cling closer, closer yet:
      Your father would give lands for one
      To wear his coronet.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

now you're getting it

I am not going to mince words. I'm just telling it like it is. Whoever deliberately sent viruses to the computers at a CUNY school, for chrissakes, during midterms, is a scum of the earth who deserves to have his or her fingers pulled out slowly and well I'll leave it there. And more. Who would do such a malicious thing to college students who need computers to finish their papers? A bunch of the computers are infected. More than half.

Monday, May 16, 2011

latest ect

OK well I'm .....of all the crazy stuff i dealt with before. Dancing, calves sore, very.

Oops! Guess "people" are reading this of whom I write. I'm over my hysteria. I swear I'm working on it. Peace. Love. D

I have been in exile but not sleeping for the most part....I started dance training again really intensely. I decided, because I just didn't want to run through the park, maybe I'd have a moment of .....internal .....what do they say? Getting in the zone or something like that. I decided to run around the room I know it sounds weird but I figured I'd start out slow and get my metabolism going because I would always feel sick before running through the park....

So I went up and down the stairs at my school. It was so exhausting; I was huffing and puffing and what words can describe? So the next day my calves were sore in ways I've never experienced in my life. I could barely walk for two days. Just now I'm getting back to normal. Going up and down subway stairs....walking.....I almost couldn't. I had to hoist myself down stairs. Super hot showers helped. I could only walk with my legs apart. Ow, I would say with practically every step. And today I had to take the train all over the place.

There is so much more and oh what craziness? A wretched headache. I did however find an unlimited metrocard. Blesses! TY

Sunday, May 15, 2011


My dear Ray, let's get in contact again.
my legs hurt. a lot. hard rehearsal
my morning starts with no caffeine, having been stuck on the f train for four hours the am before. Rain. No others. No money. No food. I got soda and two bananas for breakfast. Last night got fucked up. The first OPOOOOOOOOOOOOONHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

fucking email I get is this really snotty one from my sister asking for her shirt and dress. It's always nice when someone contacts you just to snap at you and accuse you. It is hard for me to get this STUPID dress that she NEVER wears what do people just want to fight for no reason? Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because it's mixed in with other stuff at friend's house in brooklyn then I'll be pressured to get other stuff that I CANT get so what? OK???"?????????????????????????????????????????

Then J after I've been trying to reach him for four days and not getting any response just pops in on me to tell me he's here and a) I'm not prepared and b) he's "staying with Don" which is BS. There's that It involved if he insists on having insane people in his life (I'm not going to say her name) it's NOT my problem. I've suffered for no reason for years because of this fucking insane evil bitch and I'm DONE. I KNOW she's involved. SICK of this.

NOW. Start the morning over without bitchiness or ...........................?

I had been stuck off the F train last am when I was supposed to take the R which was supposed to be the N ..........................? Took a shower and did my make up so I could look hot for all the people on the F train out in.....what place was this? It was ................how do I even describe this? 39th street off the F it was like some weird I don't know what. The design looked like something out of that movie "Crops" or some kind of B horror film . Out the window I could see the what looked like brothels (these guys standing outside some kind of bar) and the neighborhood hookers waiting outside.........they must have had more fun than me.

It's one of those.

And my period is starting.

Thanks for giving me J but I need the other things and yes it is getting to me. I'm SICK of this. SICK of her. SICK of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SICK of this

My apartment and living situation is not solved. So sue me, OK? What the hell do you want me to do?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Borat - Cambridge University

Cambridge students 'work as prostitutes'

"We don't indulge ...." whatever the holier-than-thou American said. Oh really? They don't bring them in, they are them?

It's the ones that protest too much that you have to look out for.

The computer I'm at is "research priority" and watching Borat is research!

Friday, May 13, 2011

stuff, creative

yes with great talent c0mes responsibility. what a burden! If I sucked, it'd be easy; I could just be a ....fill in the blank.

So I have this.....a dance involving rose petals but I know that's messy. I can see it now bits of petals everywhere. so the alternative? ????? There must be something. or a video of me dancing in a field or at le trap w/roses
My site is getting hits from all over the world! I have a huge following in Denmark of all places. Funny how random this kind of stuff is.

runner's block

I wrote about procrastination mainly running that I .....feel like dying before it. It really is joyless I cannot for the life of me understand how someone can enjoy it. I just can't wrap my brain around it. But you know we're all different. I wish I had more mania in me.................

So if you ask me "Where are you going?"

Two answers. Depending on who you are.

The first place is rather mundane and you probably won't regret asking me or hearing the answer.

The second one is pretty exciting and you probably shouldn't ask me cause I don't think you want to know the answer.

I wrote about this but it's not something I'm going to post for "everyone." For those who know my other site, I'll put it there.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

about to run through the park and I am going to commit suicide

I can't do anything without running first but it's too crowded and I hate people. I just do. I need to go back to my videos and crime shows. I hate this. This blows the roof off the world trade center. I hate people. I hate running through Central Park.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

dont' really "hate" anyone well

I was very whiny before. I don't know what happened......but I got it all out of me. Really I don't "hate" women or men. Not that I'm not pissed off. Or I was. I'm not now.

Why.....every time I'm about to run through Central Park it feels like a death and torture sentence. I've written this before. I don't understand for the life of me how anyone can enjoy it. That's why I flipped yesterday. I am NOT a people person ......

I have to watch TV and videos. Going up and down hills and dealing with tourists and then these guys hitting on me. Ugh. I don't know.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

why is it

I hate the women who did this to me more than the men? From the women it's so evil no....it's like you'd never thought evil like that could exist. Why ....that must be why I'm not a feelingless person......love is in my heart but I made the terrible mistake of extending it to some ......how do I even begin to say how wrong they were? How undeserving. The fourteen years, no.....twenty, thirty, so many, too many, my God.....how could it be? Those years I had the misfortune of having them come into my life could have, should have been spent creating something beneficial to humanity. But people's pettiness, stupidity and envy..........what awful people. Awful people.

My own generation. But more than that. The badness is severe. It's nearly irreparable.

People did try to warn me.

After what you did to me, am I supposed to pity you? I don't remember getting any sympathy from you when I was kicked to the ground. You were among them doing it. You spit on me. Oh, did you forget?


I must be under attack. I have my suspicions. One is.....she knows who she is. She's not the only one but I do suspect her. She is a madwoman and well that's all there is to it. What choice do I have? Except.....

I also dreamt that I was a journalist interviewing Neo Nazis and riding my bike through East Harlem. A lot of empty parking lots.

melt down

I ran through the park and lost it. It wasn't pretty. I was pissed at J pissed at my mom pissed at everyone who didn't give a shit that I was suffering it's not THEIR problem....then this girl and a nice lady expressed concern.....I was screaming. I hated everyone. But this nice older woman tried to help and what could I do? I just felt like, after all this time you didn't care that I am DYING NOW suddenly you do? What do I do? JC said keep the drama on the page. But I wasn't feeling social I just wanted space to myself and couldn't get it J with his comments and other men with their shit I won't go into that here. I am pissed at men, pissed at women for different reasons. And all I wanted was ...I didn't WANT to run. I MUST get back into NYSC and have my videos and crime shows and I had been watching Lady Gaga and having to run through the park and deal with people and I'm NOT a people person so SUE me ok? I was acting abominably like my family and hating people. I don't really hate people. But I have had to deal with some really bad stuff. There has been good which I'm grateful but there was bad as well. And people like the ones I dealt with who .....had this entitled attitude with me, like I owe them something. This is AFTER I gave them money! Nothing will be enough for them. Like what? What the fuck do they expect? I mean YOU YOU know who you are! Sifat? Isabelle? Ed? was that his name? Other Ed? This other guy I know he's pissed at me but it's not my fault! I lost it very badly. I was hurt by others I've seen people do really evil stuff to other people. I don't want to be fucked over the same way. But what do I do? I had to fight back. Only for so long can I contain hysteria. She said keep it on the page. I am trying. I did write it out. That was so hard. But a release. Still, I'm moving not writing.

Friday, May 06, 2011

Utah Saints Something Good '08 : Download OUT NOW!!

Maybe there is no "perfect" but this has the right combination of I don't know.......Wales!

Thursday, May 05, 2011

casual encounters

.....you have to have a sense of humor about this .....some of these ads crack me up. The Bronx ones mainly: here're a few:

cum f**k my ass hole... - w4m - 20 (new york)

Date: 2011-05-05, 10:52AM EDT
Reply to:
[Errors when replying to ads?]

I am 20 years old, Light brown skin black female, funny, down-to-earth, outgoing, smart, and I would love to meet someone new.
I'm 5'4,thick 215-220, mixed ethnicity, brown eyes,very attractive.

So anyone Want to do this…

  • Location: new york
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
image 0 image 1


Date: 2011-05-05, 10:45AM EDT
Reply to:
[Errors when replying to ads?]




  • Location: NORTH EAST BX
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

image 2

Men seem to love behinds, not sure why

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Sunday, May 01, 2011

must have

slept countless hours. There had been.....I dreamt of my dad, again, and us picking up dry cleaning. It was in his old building. I had gone across the street to do it and he later told me I could have done that in the building we were in. There were, in this place, racks of worn out clothes. I was going back to school....high school? Bizarre. Have this a lot.

Waking, I had a horrible taste in my mouth. I couldn't really eat all morning.

I read, ok this isn't the most reliable source, that one actress, who is not old, wants to get a total facelift that will leave her in pain for more than a month and cut up her face, cut fat off her legs....ugh! I mean, if this is true, that is TOTAL insanity! She's going to make herself into a freak--I've seen too much of that --for what reason?

I heard of chicks getting Botox at 22, something like that. And plastic surgery. I'm now in my thirties.....eeh, hate thinkng of age( but look at me I'm great. You know? I'm healthy. I run and do yoga. Beauty flowers! Yeah it's important people try to down play it.