oh lovelies

Thursday, July 28, 2005

only one person

I would rather not have casual sex....

can only be with one at a time.

I love one, he's the only one.

BUt he's not here, so what do I do?

I have had nsa sex, but it wasn't planned, ever. I wanted it, I said yes. But it's not something I'm looking for. Still, it's nice to travel and see beautiful people everywhere.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

heat wave

normally I like heat, but I have sweat dripping off me, everywhere.

My neighbors smoke and I'm sick of it, I think smoking is RUDE and inconsiderate. I'm sick of being told to suck it up (Garrett) and let them do it. I never smoked into people's windows when I smoked. It' lazy and piggish. I'm always having to inhale people's smoke when I'm jogging.

So, I went to Egypt and my dad had told me not to go anywhere because of terrorism. I said, oh come on (this was last NOvember) and he said, what, you think this is a republican conspiracy? I think it's A conspiracy, though to what party? So I go to Egypt and I get back alive. But now this incident in Sharm El Sheik, though I wasn't there that I know of.

but still something can always happen. I can (God/dess forbid) get hit by a car, shot, knived or .....trip and fall



I'm bitching, but I don't know what to do, ever. I have only an idea. The thing is though, then who will be left to pick up the grunt work that keeps society functioning? Oh, OK, stupid people? Are they really stupid? According to whom? I've seen the lowlifes of the world and the "highlifes" both. It.....where am I going with this? Throughout history, men (rich men) made the crucial worldly decisions that made history and put them in my high school history books, but women? Where were they? Cleopatra? Queen Elizabeth? What other women were in my history classes? The hetairas of Greece, housewives, slaves, common street hookers? I don't identify with ANY of these women. Jeanne D'Arc is one of the rare exceptions. Oh, women's suffrage got a huge mention consisting of two small paragraphs, in my high school history book. So I know what Virginia Woolf meant about women's absence in history.

What these books don't mention is that men (and the occasional Queen) were able to change the world with their contributions because women were doing the .....how can I be pleasant? well, shitwork that was necessary for society but "leaving no human mark" (B Friedan) WOmen and slaves. SOmeone has to take care of babies, clean the floors, be an ornament, decorate the house. But when did these contributions get mentioned? Good old Stuyvesant history. THe story of Bismark, the Triple Alliance, the Industrial Revolution.......

But when a woman could actually write down her experiences, suddenly, someone exists that we know something about. Sappho, Empress Eugenie, Mrs. Osborne, Sylvia Plath.

But like I said, someone has to do the grunt labor, someone has to run the stock market, fix computers, work the traffic lights and subways, sweep the floors.......

I mean, is anyone passionate about that? Why would someone be a CEO if they didn't need the $? Do they love it that much that there's nothing else they'd rather do than get up at 5 AM to go to the office? I just.....I don't get it. What is the solution here?

Monday, July 18, 2005

pms

the beginning stages. Will spare the gory details, but I couldn't sleep tonight maybe it's the insane, relentless humidity which feels like I'm sitting in a wall of plaster, or that I drank too much, but I deleted some things I wrote on a message board. It was turning into a constant defense on my part, maybe for good reason, but I was coming across as a shrill argumentative banshee and not really enlightening anyone. Even though I thought I was right then and still do but.....when chatting which is superficial and boring leads to politics which is not it nevertheless turns to a fight.

Everything just came crashing tonight I woke up to a lot of things. I'm an insomniac, really a night person.

Friday, July 15, 2005

I want to be nice

but I'm told I'm mean. I want to be nice. To explain what happened will take too much time, but in a few words someone wrote an article I considered unfair and insulting, and I complained about it. I can't stop someone from writing something, no matter how ignorant and offensive. I just thought it smacked of bias and since it hits a sensitive spot in me: he wrote about a place where I have friends and that is connected to my dad, I guess maybe I did lash out. Yes, I was upset at what he wrote, and I believe for good reason. But it really hurts me and frustrates me that people think when I defend a person, concept or place that I am just acting on a power urge or a sadistic desire to hurt someone. Never in my life have I hurt someone just to hurt them. If I did get snippy with people, it is because either I was upset at the time and acted well, hysterically, or because they crossed a line of mine. If someone doesn't want people to be pissed off at them, they why do they provoke people in the first place? Most of the people who say, oh, people are attacking me, they hurt me, are also people who themselves often say hurtful things about others. Not all the time, but much of it.

Monday, July 11, 2005

back from hamptons

is that a trip? It's a mini one.

The Hamptons and beach are gorgeous and so are the $8 million dollar homes. Everyone almost is rich except the locals who are mostly middle to lower middle class. My mother made great dinners, and I went to a club for the first time out there.....in all this time I still haven't gone. It was Resort. It's OK, but it was too bright and not crowded enough, and I like clubs where I blend in and become anonymous. That's why I like the big clubs cause I can go alone and disappear. But places like this you're visible to everyone and I felt so uncomfortable. THis girl came up to me and made conversation, who herself was from Australia.
My sister went out of her way to introduce me to people even if they're much younger, so that's nice.

But it's hard being out of my element for so long. I felt kind of sad. Plus, I miss my own friends, my own people.

Anyway, I'm back, back to my world......

Friday, July 08, 2005

rain, and being stuck indoors

sick of it......had a crazy morning but now I'm sitting in my apt alone and sick of being stuck here, so I'm going to go out for yet another late night ride. It's been raining steadily, and I got totally drenched, not kidding, this morning when I took my bike out to meet someone. My shoes are all soaked. So....the mint in my backyard will grow huge and luckily I pulled out the weeds, so that the water will go to the good plants.

There's just so much I have to deal with now that's ugly, stressful. I'm always in conflict, cause my instincts tell me different things at once. But I'm really sick of being stuck in here. I don't know the solution, not yet.

I will be going to the hamptons this weekend so at least I'll be on the beach.......riding waves.

oh, so my dream I remembered: it was a dress I found in a store for $8. I tried it on and it was really pretty, looking like from the antebellum days. I turned and looked in the mirror behind and my back looked like Scarlett's.

I can't stand being stuck in here anymore.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

dreams...the past few days

Well, around June 27, in Indy, I dreamt I was at a party. First, there were cats everywhere, I always have this one, that I'm picking up stray cats and trying to take care of them, but they keep disappearing and coming back. THen......I'm at a party where we're in some kind of enclosed space, wood walls. A horror film is playing, but there is someone impersonating one of the characters. I get up to leave and he slaps me. I end up staying, watching. There would have been more, but I was woken up. There was a major storm this night.

The past few nights, well.....I dream often of churches. I'm in and out of them.

A couple nights ago I dreamt of a briefcase full of money, but it was illegal, like drug money. SOmeone had lost it, and I was afraid that whoever it belonged to would find me and get me. At the same time, I wanted the money. It kept turning up in other places.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

penis, power?

Is there a power that comes with having a penis? I was thinking that by inserting a (not my, I don't have one) dick in someone you're exercising power over them, dominating them really. Or you have a certain power. I mean, some women have power over some men, but that's not the....well, more like men with wealth have power over all women and many, most men. But say, a higher class woman may have power over a working class man, but in other ways, she doesn't. I think .....the way I see men look at women, not just turning them into objects or paying attention only to their looks, deciding which women they'll harass and which they won't, they are exerting their power over women.
So I was thinking when I was riding my bike.....very unsexy in my helmet and glasses then these guys made a comment at me from a car.
no, well not in every case. If the human race is going to stick around, there has to be intercourse, really. I'm straight, have no plans to become gay even if once in a blue moon there's a woman I'm attracted to or I think about sex with women.
But is anatomy destiny? Men are simply bigger, faster than women. They're built that way, probably born that way. There are moments when men's intentions are good and sex is good, mutual, between equals, caring partners. But the majority of what's out there is not about equality.
The problem is, I don't really love women. I don't hate them. Many women I really do like. But I don't think someone is great just because she's female. There are some I just don't like. I'm not saying I have answers, I'm just putting the question out there.

opinions

Everyone has one. But honestly, especially if it's a controversial topic like religion, what is the point of throwing it out there, trying to force it on others. If you believe, don't believe, it's your decision. But these people who try to speak as the realists and skeptics I find more often than not form their statements on half truths and extreme generalizations. I guess I disagree. I have my beliefs, but I never try to force others to agree with me. What's the purpose of arguing? Are you going to change the other person? Probably not.