Tuesday, September 29, 2009
come your way
I'm burning now
what I needed
is what I thought
falling over me
red silver dust
must be divine
this thing that's mine
hot and cold
water and fire
give me wings again
I'm going out, going out for a night
do I feel fear?
it stabs away at the sides of my head
mirrors that are splintered
it's love, a mask, breathe
Monday, September 28, 2009
you know it could be
you know it could
I might be free
what I would wish
the world is mine
every time you know I get
you know I get this way
I get this way
my lovely friend
til the end would I stay til then
oh all is fine
that I would wish
what turns to bliss
all that's shiny pouring down
all this bliss
kissed all around
oh oh oh oh oh oh
it was you
oh oh it was you
all that was tight
all that was light getting lighter
had to sometimes run away
would be better if I stayed?
was bright what was light all my
world goes black to white
it's all mine
all that I would wish and
oh what's this
all this the
world is mine
all all will come back with time
could have been crushed
all that was heavy
fell over me
and you know what's love
should happen, has to once
couldn't have lost no not all
no not all
oh oh all is fine
oh all this could be mine all that
I would wish
this little bliss what
if it wasn't for me
it's pink it's pouring down
pouring down oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh oh oh
getting crazy oh you know getting hazy
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
fun, fun around the corner
everything gets brighter
as does this street
and I saw you
and I'm free, just had to be
we can be free
just hold on to it
we can be free all of
ours is the world
we're free now
free is love
love is free
it's ours this light
is out tonight
all that's bright, our own star
this world, all that's ours
and we're free
Saturday, September 19, 2009
you know we could be
you know we could be
oh oh get out of here somehow
nothing left to fear
well I'd fallen
but not too far
not too far down
not too far
the street was dark
but the light was on
who you running running from
well I'd fallen
but not too far
not too far down not too far
the street was dark but
the light was on
who are you running from?
fell asleep in my room had no work for a while.....then at 3:33 am my phone rang. it was b---......can he come by? I needed cash at the time badly.....went upstairs to the living room where I sat and waited....at least he's pretty reliable. He shows up just as my roommate is getting home.....this is jarring anyhow....at the time it was. I went out to meet him and asked him to wait. he started yelling "I am not going to wait here! You pay rent here why do you let your fucking roommates push you around no one tells me what to fucking do..." and was really yelling. I was getting a little scared....plus he was ...I had never seen him drunk before. Somehow...I got into the car with him. He was driving super fast and at one point I thought, I'm going to die....he was screaming....
so I didn't die and we got to Queens. Vodka had a different effect with him than stimulants. He said he got bad vibes from the place I was in. He hated the area I lived in. He said there were too many cops looking to bust people.......
Monday, September 14, 2009
my friend said these injuries are badges of honor....
feeling love, but also lonely....frustrated, jealous, trying to let go let go trying.......
cafe i pass on the way to and from home, now late, 3 am or so, mercilessly cold and raining with endless cold drops of water hitting me, my legs, not well protected or covered...only wanting to get out of it...the rain.....this awning banner says her name....it's flapping in the wind...I think is it a sign or am I reading too much into things? There is no place on earth I think more remote, ugly and lonely than Flushing Avenue, in Brooklyn. My friend was nice to give me this bike...one of the few nice things he did for me...well, he made me coffee. A few nice things. I have to try to think of that. Ok, at times. Ok. Other times I was hurt by his behavior but he did this.......
So that's why I don't completely leave....
Out here every bone in my body aches, the cold scratches away at me. I was sick for days afterward. I wore myself out. Finally indoors I am grateful for warmth, shelter.
sitting in what was cafe figaro with a friend of mine, back in high school. you could still smoke in restaurants then, and me, little tramp! did. i got ashes in some french fries and he said it was vile....
taking acid at sixteen and seeing myself in a rhinestone studded black shirt in the mirror, with my boyfriend at the time. he said, you're so pretty, and look at me. then going through thompkins sq park which was not then what it is now, and the trees suddenly looking like they were going to eat me, or tease me....like in candyland, the game I played with my parents as a kid. someone gave it to me for my birthday...I was like one or something, and whispered to my mom, it's really boring. my mother kind of laughed at that....
playing candyland which WAS really boring, even for a one year old....
then in the park at sisteen, second time i took acid, the same feeling ....reminded me of that game where we moved our pieces on this curly walkway with different color squares around the board.....feeling like I'm on this twisted path here there then I'm gone to the other place.....will I ever get out? and there are bright colors and sugar but I may never get out and I have to get out....get out.....feeling myself sinking into something. I don't recommend lsd.
the first time i did acid at fifteen with my friends yaz and these two guys, staring at his psychadelic painting which was twisting and opening and leaking listening to jimi hendrix and not wanting it to end but knowing it would. talking to my dad on the phone....I"m at Tauno's house.....who????....tauno...he's uh, what's your number? fireworks going off above me. I managed to hide that I was high.....
finding a napkin at my dad's in Chicago with the name "tona"
the first thing I ever bought? i think I was five and bought m and ms from the local store.....
I had the record Saturday Night Fever.
The place we lived in at that age in Ohio....was haunted. I used to see things there. Say it was in my head, but I never in my life saw this stuff anywhere else. Until recently. I saw an alligator head staring at me in my room. I woke up to find myself in a jungle, then three creatures in my room telling me to come with them. I ran out of the room and shut the door. I could hear them. The cats were out in the hall with me. We had a neighbor who was allegedly into Egyptology. I told my mother about this years later, saying I heard stuff in the apartment. She said, I never told you this, but I think the upstairs neighbor was a hooker. I used to hear the bed at night, above us. I said that's not what I meant......
I would try to fly. I would jump off the bed trying to stay in the air. I didn't know why birds could and not us. Of course I always fell back down.
endless dreams of water. And of flying.
recently....going for a job interview at what turned out to be an escort agency, which was on a boat. The scene from Rosemary's Baby came to mind, where the guy was yelling, "Typhoon!" and the black guy tells her she'd better go down below. Then I meet these two guys, one white one black. I'm apparently supposed to fuck them so they can tell clients how good I am. THe black guy says aren't you going to show me your tits or something?
I didn't stay. Nor did I allow myself to be "tested."
When we moved to Evanston, around age seven, I found myself wandering around alone in the main part of town, and went into a little shop where I bought a small gift .....the lady explaining to me what tax is.....
Today, on the train, this Orthodox woman and her three daughters. They intrigued me. We smiled at eachother. The girl in particular....she knew I wasn't feeling ok. That I was bothered about something.
Lake Michigan in winter, in Evanston, where I lived from ages seven to twelve......it was brutally cold but beautiful. The lake would turn to rainbows and reflected silver. We were knee deep in snow, walking to school.
This year, going to under st marks flipping saying to a friend i need to talk to you and tripping over one girls foot who called me a crazy bitch and the willie nelson look alike thinking i meant him....
an Indian restaurant which I've gone to for the last ten years or so...where you can get chai tea for $1,
A purple sparkly bag I bought for my mother's birthday present today..........
being up at night and asleep during the day.....where I feel a constant urge to collapse.....
going to donate blood and being told I'm anemic and need iron.
A French restaurant where I went with my mother and sister and Sonny where we got steak frites....yeah I feel guilty eating meat but that's the problem with Eurpean food it's not vegetarian.....
Sunday, September 13, 2009
The waning moon is here the time for dark magick....left hand path.....
I am not a satanist or necessarily left hand path magician but as a creative person and someone who's dealt with many a dark side of life and E-V-O-L let it be said I relate...this saves, this purifies.
To die over broken heart, to end your own life. I would slit my wrists in the bath tub, in a hotel in Paris. If I were going to end it, which I'm not. But what better way to go?
Sylvia Plath gassed herself, but I don't understand....why put yourself through such a horrible thng? That must be excruciating.....
My friend who's a doctor said wrist slitting doesn't work, because before you bleed to death you clot and the blood stops. She said the way to do it is to go for the throat. But a woman's nature is to always be beautiful, even in death.....I suppose that's why women don't shoot themselves.
That and poetic.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
I was dragged apart
could have been
I get crazy dramatic
imagine my death in Paris
when the world you win isn't enough
let it come your way
has to has to
fall over me fall over me
what other way
what better way
so I thought
I thought I needed this
love love falling over me
what I need
love love falling over me
woman in love, in hell and heaven both
hot and cold
alone, and still breathing
I dance I live
not the first not the last
freed freed again
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
i'm not religious. i'm not spiritual, even. i've spent enough years in therapy.....once again some things worked and some didn't, there.
on reincarnation: keep in mind this is just my opinion. I think most people's past life regressions are psychological and related to their past in this life. I think so much of it is beating oneself up. I won't say I don't believe in it. But there you are.
I had one incident when I was in London, of deja vu. Really strong, in this one neighborhood I was in. I just felt like I'd been there before. It could mean anything. Maybe it's a film or picture I saw. Or I was really there.
This one woman I know said she visited cities where she knew the streets and her way around. In a place she'd never been before.
It's hard to say. I feel like we have one shot at it and this is it. There is good and bad out there. Then again, that's me and how I feel now. I won't go into all of this....but there's a start.
i've been learning the importance of breathing and yeah that's changing everything for me.
it's cheesy...but I've learned self love is the important thing, and to forgive....let others have their freedom, and to be humble. it's easier said than done.
my yoga is intuitive and personal. i've read books and heard others' philosophy....no time to go into this here, but some worked for me and other stuff was counter productive. some was disastrous. i had to work my way out of that. i don't believe you have to follow any religious doctrine. you don't have to "believe" anything. i've learned to listen to my own thoughts. that can be lonely. you realize you're a trail blazer, and it's up to you. it's hard being the first. but i am. that's my life story.
i started dancing in the park. i got great results and have met many people in ways i never would have otherwise. slowly, it brought work my way. i still need more money. there's been good and bad. i've struggled with a lot. it's not over.
i'm thankful for the help i've gotten along the way. i'm learning to trust you just have to take risks.
i'm working on it.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
they should be thanking me and girls like me. Feminism aside, men come there to meet us and buy us drinks and we bring in business. And I have bought drinks from these places. So I'm not proud to admit this but at crocodile lounge i found a ticket on the floor for a pizza and used it to get one.....yeah I guess I'm a sleaze.
other places to do you know what: creative?
the bushes in the stuy town buildings
the stairwell in the projects
the weeds next to the BQE
behind the gates in the subway
the dressing room at the Gap (that's my favorite)
the bathroom at Au Bon Pain
parking lot in the projects
not that I'm recommending this
so while "love evol" is spiraling and snapping into craziness upon fucked up ness at least.....I mean they must think I'm hot.....and I don't know what to do in this situation and I've been meditating on it a lot. In my other days I would have ......I can't take this and I can't leave it.
So I've let a lot go. I was really mortified and humiliated about the bar situation, but it's just not worth getting worked up over it. I met other people, other places.
It's lonely sometimes and I wish.....