oh lovelies

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

light lady

stabbed a tiny drop
red, red, feel it to my fingertips, to my ends, my hair
feel the beating against my chest
blood spurting, my eyes roll back
seeing darkness, then light again
a bell, the sound echoes against me
there's something in me, a kind of smoke
that opening sharp also so
all the love, love can flood me

Impossible to run away from
could there be so much blood?
in one person
this was a dream date, still is
somehow it goes through you, all again
those shards of glass could be diamonds
one big blessing and she didn't die
it's all yours
and your heart opens, stabbed this time
the blood is black, and red
smoke comes out of you

feeling it again
i'm sinking into myself
here to stay, something's melting
the blessings, the gems,
fall on my face

ice hits my knees is
winter always so brutal?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Getting there

forming in drops
glass broken into three sides
but it's heaven sent and
you're hot, hot inside
and the freedom is yours
really, finally yours
do you know
what it's like
to be light when you were heavy

she who tortures you smiles and lies
she tells you she's only looking out for you
to make yourself holy you need only
annihilate yourself
she smiles and stabs you
again and again
wipe yourself off the planet
she'll ruin your life while living it

oh so holy
so unquestionable
who are you to fuck with this?

ours is the map new draft

Ours is the map the world
we have only to jump over
all my heart, and love and
that which is red.....begins to reflect and
it's mine, to throw out
out to the world
all my blood is hot , red hot
all my love is hot, red hot
heating up, higher now

you piss me off but I still love you am I sick?

what can I do?

what can I?

I can do something.....


remember in American Beauty? I refuse to be a victim?


what do I do?

you follow the world

oh help me vii
I didn't mean to vii
didn't mean to vi

oh heavy, heavy love ii
it's mine, all mine V
oh I beg you mercy mercy
I have to stay alive, somehow
see yourself outside yourself
love, love will cure all iii
it's the only hope

see yourself outside yourself vi
you will be tortured in so many ways

are you afraid? iii
to be free, to be really free vii


oh it's us, us and we are one iii
we're two and become one iii
could it happen? it's hunger, love
hunger, love
what it is seizes you ii (??????)
why is it so hard to find the truth
what's really obvious

Saturday, October 10, 2009

health care quote

ok. All this week I've been dealing with health insurance issues. This had been an ongoing problem for months, but now after intense concentration I'm managing to resolve it. I applied for this cheap program and also am eligible for this 9/11 program as my mother was downtown at the time. I went into the clinic at St. Vincent's hospital and, after waiting all day, talked to a social worker and psychiatrist who prescribed me some medication as it turns out I have ADHD. I really do, no bs.

I will get into the massive....as this was part of our consciousness raising for the women's group I worked with....we gave our testimonies. That's only the tip of mine. I moved, I never got the forms for renewal as I'd had insurance before so it expired then to apply again I needed a letter from an employer which in my situation is extremely difficult to get, if not impossible. I won't get into THAT. BUT, someone I have been doing some work for finally agreed to sign a letter. But the point is, I don't see why I need the person above me, or any third person involved to get health insurance. My getting it was dependent on someone else's goodwill. But in my case, universal health care saved me. My friend made a funny quote once, saying that the taxes in Europe are much higher than here in the US and they only keep half of what they earn as the rest goes into these social programs. He said, "The money has to come from somewhere it's not going to come from a magic wand." So I suppose there's no easy answer. I don't think the middle class should carry the burden of paying for the problems of the whole US, or...? I mean, so many people are out of jobs now that they need these things. Well, anyway, just some thoughts on the subject.

getting there which way

getting there which way?
the sermon will begin
you missed it again
you've have this dream before, will again

marks on your skin
only a small sting, the sharpness
it's bled bled and red

you know what's yours,
celestially sent, this
is mine it's bent

Friday, October 09, 2009

we could

we could be both
from the same place
and sometimes I shut
my eyes and there you are

in fact for you to get insulting or personal in such a way as you did, to be angry is one thing but to insult and abuse me to my face and publicly embarrass me proves one thing: i did the right thing by leaving you were never my friend or anything beyond i won't get into that hear we were never meant to be and you are absolutely without a doubt the WRONG person.....so i'm sorry, from the bottom of my heart i apologize for my mistake. for my "fuck up." and you really knocked me to the floor. and i absolutely know we are not meant to be and never were.

As for current one, and I pray, if _____ you know who you are....if you do love me do not EVER do what they did. I believe...rather KNOW you do. You must. Why else would you be with me? It's not for my money. I'm not the BEST looking girl, though I think I'm pretty enough. BUT: I pray again the times I feel you don't really care for me or value me, it's a misunderstanding. I feel you must love me but other times I don't. I have no idea what you're up to ....actually I do. If you're doing to me what you did to the others.....won't get into that here. I loved you. Maybe that was my mistake---but no. No. In spite of everything, I can't see it that way. BUT:

don't start acting like them. When you do that's when I take off. I really will. DO NOT be like them. Do not ever insult or abuse me like they did. I have to trust you won't be.

It's hard but not impossible. It's a constant effort......but it can be done.

It is possible for love to fill me up, and others. I have to love myself and be happy, to feel deserving. Without that, I can't give to anyone else. So that's where I'm focusing.

As for.....

so called Illuminati or Masonic or Reptilian conspiracy theories.....maybe they exist maybe not. But obsess over that and you stay on the bench driving yourself into a frenzy of generalized hate and paranoia...of THEM and how They hold you back. Really the occult is not a secret: the information is out there for anyone wanting to study or learn. There's no excuse for NOT knowing.

But ......


It's hard, but you have to keep filling yourself with love. Let that emanate from you. Whatever path you choose to take, that has to be there....an act of love and compassion. Easier said than done, cause there's a lot of shit out there that you'll be bombarded with, that and bad information. I try--every day I have to combat all this bad stuff. I'm working on getting it away. When I say bad I mean BAD. And it's a struggle. But not impossible.

I don't believe in karma. I don't. Reincarnation, maybe. Did Hitler get away with what he did? Not like I'm the last word.....but I don't know. Maybe he did. These men who tortured people on mere suspicion in the latest war, are they getting punished? According to the Wall St. Journal, no they're not. If they're true sociopaths, they may never suffer if they don't get punished and feel no guilt. And many of them don't. I've encountered a few people like them in my life. And I can say they NEVER feel guilty, the worst of them.


Do they?

These people are a minority, though. Most of us are in a grey area. I'm not pretending to be perfect. I've done stuff I am not proud of. But at least I acknowledge my mistake. You know?

So people do awful shit and get off. In A Clockwork Orange his victims turned on him. But in life, that hasn't happened.

Still, I feel like me being hateful in return isn't a solution. I haven't been TOO badly victimized. I didn't deserve what bad stuff I did get. But more ugliness and negativity....what will that solve?

It's not for me to say what people should do.

I'm not being pessimistic--this is a message of hope! It means we people have power in us....it's up to us to create our OWN karma and justice in THIS life.

.....more on this later......

I am in the mirror
far away there's no one
to fear
and it could have been me
on those occasions
I escaped.....
my vision blurry but
I'm out, again

I hear the breathing
I sometimes can
I don't want to listen

Saturday, October 03, 2009

summer new version

gotta boast this is golden! thank you you know who you are even though I don't agree with all your views you somehow shined on this and this song is just cherry! been working on it since april or may....getting there really!!!!!!!! finally

are you trying
to drive me crazy
or is it me maybe
i'm just lazy
it always comes down to me
down to me
will I be free?

have to not
not think
too hard
not think
there you know there's a reason
oh you must know
there must be

the truth hurts
why do you want to hear it
you know the leaves are
turning green turning green
the trees are turning pink
and summer will come oh
he's mine and I live for the sun

you know it's you
or me be free
be free
have to be
has to be
help me oh
sorry help me

Thursday, October 01, 2009


this could mean
what is it?
you're the tree I dance around
they know nothing
it's all noise
forgive me
must be meant to be
all mercy what's bright getting brighter

cause you're the noise that
fakes every sound
la la la le la le la

what does it mean
nothing could be everything
what is it now?
you're a fallen star
all around, dust surrounds you
shiny and dull, everywhere

they know nothing la la la le
oh what can I do
la la la la la
what can I do
will I be released
my blood it leaves
everything seeps
fallen star, dust all around me
mercy, fallen will you remember?
can never be through
can you remember?