oh lovelies

Friday, October 09, 2009

we could


we could be both
from the same place
and sometimes I shut
my eyes and there you are

in fact for you to get insulting or personal in such a way as you did, to be angry is one thing but to insult and abuse me to my face and publicly embarrass me proves one thing: i did the right thing by leaving you were never my friend or anything beyond i won't get into that hear we were never meant to be and you are absolutely without a doubt the WRONG person.....so i'm sorry, from the bottom of my heart i apologize for my mistake. for my "fuck up." and you really knocked me to the floor. and i absolutely know we are not meant to be and never were.




As for current one, and I pray, if _____ you know who you are....if you do love me do not EVER do what they did. I believe...rather KNOW you do. You must. Why else would you be with me? It's not for my money. I'm not the BEST looking girl, though I think I'm pretty enough. BUT: I pray again the times I feel you don't really care for me or value me, it's a misunderstanding. I feel you must love me but other times I don't. I have no idea what you're up to ....actually I do. If you're doing to me what you did to the others.....won't get into that here. I loved you. Maybe that was my mistake---but no. No. In spite of everything, I can't see it that way. BUT:

don't start acting like them. When you do that's when I take off. I really will. DO NOT be like them. Do not ever insult or abuse me like they did. I have to trust you won't be.

It's hard but not impossible. It's a constant effort......but it can be done.

It is possible for love to fill me up, and others. I have to love myself and be happy, to feel deserving. Without that, I can't give to anyone else. So that's where I'm focusing.

As for.....

so called Illuminati or Masonic or Reptilian conspiracy theories.....maybe they exist maybe not. But obsess over that and you stay on the bench driving yourself into a frenzy of generalized hate and paranoia...of THEM and how They hold you back. Really the occult is not a secret: the information is out there for anyone wanting to study or learn. There's no excuse for NOT knowing.

But ......

But.


It's hard, but you have to keep filling yourself with love. Let that emanate from you. Whatever path you choose to take, that has to be there....an act of love and compassion. Easier said than done, cause there's a lot of shit out there that you'll be bombarded with, that and bad information. I try--every day I have to combat all this bad stuff. I'm working on getting it away. When I say bad I mean BAD. And it's a struggle. But not impossible.

I don't believe in karma. I don't. Reincarnation, maybe. Did Hitler get away with what he did? Not like I'm the last word.....but I don't know. Maybe he did. These men who tortured people on mere suspicion in the latest war, are they getting punished? According to the Wall St. Journal, no they're not. If they're true sociopaths, they may never suffer if they don't get punished and feel no guilt. And many of them don't. I've encountered a few people like them in my life. And I can say they NEVER feel guilty, the worst of them.

??????

Do they?

These people are a minority, though. Most of us are in a grey area. I'm not pretending to be perfect. I've done stuff I am not proud of. But at least I acknowledge my mistake. You know?

So people do awful shit and get off. In A Clockwork Orange his victims turned on him. But in life, that hasn't happened.

Still, I feel like me being hateful in return isn't a solution. I haven't been TOO badly victimized. I didn't deserve what bad stuff I did get. But more ugliness and negativity....what will that solve?

It's not for me to say what people should do.

I'm not being pessimistic--this is a message of hope! It means we people have power in us....it's up to us to create our OWN karma and justice in THIS life.


.....more on this later......



I am in the mirror
far away there's no one
to fear
and it could have been me
on those occasions
I escaped.....
my vision blurry but
I'm out, again

I hear the breathing
I sometimes can
I don't want to listen



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