oh lovelies

Sunday, February 25, 2007

smoking is rude

it took two years but eventually my side won. I complained about smoking neighbors in my old apartment and at the time there was little I could do. It became a major issue. Now, smoking is no longer legally protected. I have this problem everywhere I go, smoking neighbors. I quit, anyone can. It killed my father. Quit! Smoking is lazy and rude. There's no excuse.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

pet peeves

Maybe it's a difference in upbringing or culture, but the way I was raised, you're not supposed to talk in libraries. There are signs everywhere saying to turn off cell phones and talk quietly. Talking in libraries is RUDE behavior. So is direct, intense eye contact. I know some people mean well by it, but I hate it. Also, not observing another's personal space, like bumping into someone on the street, or anywhere. It's just disrespectful.

Walking home, I see these schoolchildren and I can see also the bullies, and I think, some things never change. Someone I know told me how this kid who had been a sociopath at school became a cop, he found out, and he said, "Someone actually gave him a gun?" He found out he was later kicked out for police brutality.

I don't really sentimentalize children. Call me mean. I just don't like them, that much. I believe to a degree people are born with good or bad personalities. Considering what I went through as a kid, I think a bad seed is evident, well, almost from the beginning. I do want my own children some day, and some kids are cute. But there are so many who are "troubled." There's little likelihood of changing them. Best thing to do is avoid them.

I guess

I was harsh in my last post but what I'm reading is shocking. Among the different classes of whores, life is very different. The call girls and independents live the best, with relative freedom, although it's not all a day at the beach. But what I was reading about streetwalkers and massage parlor workers is one devastating story after another. Arrest, police brutality, rape, well, the list goes on, over and over. These are just regular people trying to live, maybe they have kids, pets. That humanity can be so brutal, evil really, is a rude awakening. I never loved the police, but I thought we had something of a justice system. It's an uphill battle, but you have to win your freedom.

Also I got upset. I feel bad, I flaked out on Garrett and missed the time I was supposed to meet him. He was really mad at me, I guess for good reason, but it's still so awful to be screamed at, and I remember why I vowed never to be in another relationship again. It's one damnation to slavery after another. I have been in relationships since my teens and I know the story; it is pretty much always that way, that is what it turns into. Even my ex said, most men don't respect women. He would talk about how men he knew would interrupt, talk over or dismiss what their wives and girlfriends were saying. We always would blame ourselves, consider ourselves failures. If only I hadn't gone out after midnight, worn that skirt, said what I said, ect ect.

Women should be able to walk around any time day or night, dressed any way, and not fear assault or harassment. It is that way in countries like Germany and Egypt, and these aren't feminist-oriented societies. In Egypt religion makes women second class, and those horrid tales of female genital mutilation.....do happen (though not to everyone), and women are often forced into marriage....yet there's far less rape and sexual harassment there and women are virtually never raped or attacked by strangers and can walk around at any time of day or night. So.....if it's like that there it should be that way here. In Germany prostitution is legal and it's also basically safe.

I've been feeling really sad. February is a gruesome month, it's been hell. Someone told me February is the month of evil spirits. Not that it's all bad. But getting yelled at, the disastrous audition a few weeks ago, illness, taxes and feeling always like this horrible human being, a deviant, and living in fear....in my women's group they talked about how fear is a method of control; keeping people in a state of constant uncertainty. Garrett would get angry at me for my lateness (never admitting that he's also been late) but Simone de Beauvoir wrote something about how women are late as a form of revenge; that it's making up for the long wait that's her life.

So I know, there are many advocacy groups out there for sex workers, but this women in my group said how all these "exploited" women were not the ones who started the revolution. If one is worn out just trying to survive on the most fundamental level, there's hardly any energy left over to fight for change. Is this true? Most women activists I know do work, at shitty jobs often. But the constant demands of work impede real progress; and energy is spent on getting the basic necessities like food and shelter. Still, I've known women who do have freedom and leisure and don't become activists.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


a book on sex work, and one article discusses police violence against street prostitutes, which included rape. What I don't understand is where is the fight? the fight back, the outrage? I know, there are people everywhere who think prostitution needs to be decriminalized, and some good activists. But it's not enough. There's so much confusion, and even these well-meaning feminist groups which are struggling for women's full reproductive freedom (but shouldn't decrininalization be part of that; a woman's decision to do what she wants with her body? I KNOW, they've been linked before, but in every day dealings it's always an extra effort on my part to remind people, other activists, of this) and Indymedia, to their credit, did publish articles somewhat on the subject.....but it seems such a struggle to achieve real unity to stop this. Why aren't these cops going to jail for arrest or assault, and to arrest someone who has no power, really, in the world, who is herself a victim of real violence out there....I had been brought up to believe we have at least some justice system. But I have never witnessed worse injustice than that against prostitutes, and it's downright sex discrimination ( I know there are male prostitutes but since overwhelmingly women enter this profession and it's always been that way, I see this as gender-related still. That of course doesn't negate what the male ones go through). THey, the cops, should be sued. I'm mad. I'm outraged. Why aren't these feminist groups, like the ones working for increased health care, child care, abortion rights, jumping on this issue? Why are the ones I encounter, who consider themselves on the far left, ignoring this issue?

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Fiat justitia, ruat coelum

"Let justice be done, though the heavens fall." I always loved that quote.

Right now I'm sick, my apartment is never warm enough even though I have two space heaters, the oven, stove and thermostat going at full temperature. I get runny nose and allegies, I'm swollen and dizzy, but I have to work, ect. ect. I am ready for warm weather. I don't know how people live in cold climates.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Sexy Sadie?

I've always found her fascinating, since I read my dad's copy of a book about the Manson Murders when I was sixteen. When I read that Trent Reznor moved into the "Tate" house in Rolling Stone I thought, that has to be bullshit, but I guess it isn't. But I can see people's obsession: this was a one-of-a-kind thing, like ritualistic. Now Susan Atkins is saying she didn't stab Sharon Tate, but who knows..... After reading her biography, I can see there's more to her life and story than what is commonly known. She really is gorgeous, with a unique face and intense eyes.

So where this current interest? Garrett managed to transfer one movie to my ipod: about cults, and the Manson family was one of the featured ones. There are so many layers to this story: one on top of another on top of another on top of another. Atkins is now a born-again Christian.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

update---long time no write

So I'm so busy with work and auditions and performing everything is so chaotic, so hard. My "love" life is non-existent, yet I found a much better alternative. Relationships for women are a form of slavery, hell. I didn't get much out of any of mine. I still love them, I love one person still, more than one, but I refuse to be a carpet to walk all over.

But anyway....what else? I'm trying to get organized and stay on top of stuff but it's hard, you know. I'm wearing lots of layers cause it's winter and I'm here, I'm dealing with it, it isn't so bad. I still plan to go to South Africa but it's not the right time. It WILL happen, though. But it turns out I may be able to go...somewhere. That's the hard part: where? Colombia, maybe? I don't know if it's safe enough; I hear different reports. Mexico, ....well so many options. The winter sucks, but it's not THAT cold folks. This is NYC and it's much colder in other parts of the world. I am very sensitive to cold, but I wear a hat, gloves, warm coat, and move a lot; then I'm fine. Speaking of which, I met a girl from Siberia once, who said the coldest day in NYC is the warmest day there. Whew! Makes you think.

Here's a funny about a (secretly gay) guy, "He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia."