oh lovelies

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

madly wildly obsession possesses me

I am madly wildly REALLY attracted to O I went to the protest on his birthday thought it was symbolic but I got a horrible itching in my crotch it's hard to write about I couldn't cheer could barely walk I thought I'd caught something it was painful I stupidly missed out trying not to get fat I went to the GYN I was so afraid I had an STD the doctor asked me if I was high.............it turned out to be a "ph imbalance" when I was called in to her office I thought, oh, God, here we go she's going to say "you have herpes clymydia gohnerreah crabs pid " I thought this is it I did that film and he insisted on no condom I thought, "you bastard" even though he'd told me he was clean.................so.....thank GOD it's not an STD my heart rate went back down to normal......so I had never had an itch like this before even when I caught poison ivy...............
For some reason I'm remembering these retarded "job interviews" I used to go on back when I actually worked job jobs. I went to Urban Outfitters once for an interview walked there cause at the time I had no money for the train, or something.............I was a mess she asked why I wanted to work there; and I said, "....um.....well.....I can get clothes" really not a good reply. I meant to say I love clothes and can get a discount there.......but you're not supposed to say that........really I was stumped........... she said "...........ugh..........I don't know what you mean by 'get clothes...'" I said, um, um....yeah I stumbled through that........then she said, "I'm choosing from many applicants......" and never called. What a train wreck I was. There's a reason I'm not doing those jobs, although I have in the past. I worked at Antique Boutique for a whole week once.

Monday, January 28, 2008

how will I get through this?

One of the unwritten rules on a set is don't talk about being tired, cause everyone is. But I'm so tired. I don't know how I'll get to class I just want to go to sleep. Plus I have to take care of all those blah things in life like laundry and bills. My body is falling apart.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


Today it's been ........too many times to count. The last straw was when I went out to the store around 12:30 am. Some .......ok, one guy was heckling me. I walked by and ignored him. Then, as I was turning the corner to go to my place, a guy (white) got out of a cab and was saying to me, as I walked in the street to get away from him, "Hey, be careful in the street girl." He kept staring at me and I started to get nervous......then he went into one of the buildings. Then, two guys (black) turned the corner and were walking behind me. Call me paranoid, but since I was assaulted last year I trust no one. I called my roommate and asked her to stay on the phone with me. I went into my apartment, and saw the two guys walk away. I got a really bad vibe from these guys and could tell......one even looked like the one who assaulted me. My neighborhood is not bad; it was much worse when I moved in. But there are dicey areas nearby. Still--ok to their credit I have to say the cops do patrol these streets and keep a lookout. But I'm really sick of people, when I complain about this, acting like I"m to blame for living here, and say, "Well, why don't you just move?" or "I don't know why you haven't moved out of there.....long ago. Why do you stay there?" and "It's Bed Stuy, don't you know that's real rough you should get out of there......" I feel like asking, "Why don't you just move?" First of all, it's not that simple, and second, why should I? Why shouldn't women (or men) be able to walk around at any time or why should we be forced to pay ridiculous rents (and this block does have high rents).....when in other parts of the world the rents are low and the poverty extreme but this shit doesn't happen? Even my roommate doesn't listen to me or take me seriously when I say there's bad stuff out there, and makes it out to be my fault. I end up getting punished. Well, that's not right. The way things are done in this country--"gentrification" I mean I'm not a fan, but I also don't miss living in fear. And sadly, neighborhoods with higher rents are safer. My area happens to have bad spots. But the first guy who harassed me was white (not that it matters, but for the record) the others were black--they had no right, no fucking right at all. I live here and pay for this place, I deserve to live safely. It's still safer here than it was. But there needs to be zero tolerance, and no one deserves to be bothered because they go outside to the store after midnight. That's discrimination and it comes out of low and high places. So don't tell me we live in a post feminist world where we're all equal. Or rather, don't tell me I have it great and don't suffer discrimination except for a few minor kinks here and there (such as being followed and leered at every time I go home) or marrying a guy who cheats because I'll get pregnant/fat get bags under my eyes/worn down from endless breast feeding and diaper changing and the world is full of sweet young things who simply worship and adore my husband.......ya de ya de ya ..................then he's run off with one of them and I'm old/fat/with a kid/and a .....................humiliated and beaten in the worst possible way deja vu? -----no it isn't really happening I'm just making it all up and imagining it cause I have nothing better to do.............I've had a couple drinks now....................As long as I can't leave my house that's not equality. No, it's not right. I went out again, with a police whistle (I am well aware of the corruption of the police but in this situation there's no alternative) and was ready to raise hell because those guys who followed and threated me should not be out in the world. No, no--that's what I mean by zero tolerance. I won't live my life in jail--staying indoors after x time no--we should be able to meet the night head on. I'm a night person. I don't know if.........after I got my hair done I feel like I'm getting far more attention than ever. But no matter. I won't take it. No way.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Quit Smoking

I know, I'm intolerant. But for a reason. You're killing others, not just yourself. Also, I run and walk all over the city and what makes it unbearable is people smoking in the streets. I quit, anyone can. DO NOT SMOKE IF YOU HAVE PETS OR CHILDREN! You might as well just shoot them and get it over with. People would get vindictive toward me when I brought this up to them, in every way imaginable. I was forced to confront them, I didn't want to. It's just irresponsible, on their part. There's no excuse. It's just breathtaking what lengths people go to.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


This week has not been good, so far. I'm hoping for a change. I had one of the more vivid of my dreams. I may be having these all the time, and waking up not remembering. The only thing that woke me from this was a loud noise. I'd really like to know what that is. What I dream about all the time is my mother and sister, rivers, lakes, boats crossing, islands, big wooden houses, hotels....I have a recurring one where I'm with my mother and sister in a wooden mansion going from room to room (bedroom) looking for one to stay in. Tonight I dreamt first that I was in my room and heard my dad's voice....I thought, he's trying to contact me. But then I remember what my ex said...that spirits take familiar shapes and it could be anything. I start praying, the room is dark, I shut my eyes and open them.....when I do I see a shadow figure of a woman (black?) in black meditating........then she disappears........then I'm on a train and it's making sounds.....the sounds of a train, and I see these women's faces appearing in the mirror over me, and I'm thinking they're looking at me through the reflection. I'm thinking trains are meditation? I don't know......hundreds of young women's faces, look at me and say....no, they're getting on the train, look into the mirror, and say, "World Trade Center." I'm kind of nodding off.....through the mirror somehow they're arranged so they look at me. Now I remember.....I dreamt before I was in a bar and my aunt was calling for me. Maybe my cousin was with her. Then I'm on the train.......ok, back there......and this girl and guy get on. The girl looks familiar, kind of heavy set. She tells the conductor, "We just drove all the way from California.....I don't know which way......" and the conductor points her the opposite direction the train's headed.......

Sunday, January 06, 2008

oh oh

pessimistic me! NYE was decent. I went to a nice party with longtime friends, and got several happy new year and merry holiday wishes from people. So nice, really, to know people are thinking of me.

Which brings me to: I've been feeling really guilty that I've been short with certain people who deep down I care about, but who managed to get on my bad side lately. I don't want to hurt anyone, not them really, but it's hard sometimes to explain something to people and have them not understand a word of what you tell them. They are well meaning, I know. But they don't understand me or my decisions. What can I do?

On another note, music and dance are my obsessions. I watch videos and dance every day. I try to get to class every day. I work on monologues and dance every day. I managed to get them, though it's very tiring. Then I can't sleep, I'm too wired. I get to bed at 4 or 5 am then have to get up in a few hours.