oh lovelies

Thursday, December 10, 2015


Riverdale thinking back what is it two years later. As always there were great things and horrific things. I've made peace with T in my mind a part of me feels compassion. It hurts me that friendships which had so much good and potential spiraled out of control into something bad and people's anger, ego, jealousy what have you got in the way and caused so much unnecessary pain. But there was good too. I'm not expecting life to be all rainbows and fluffy clouds I realize after everything I've been through you can care about someone who is deeply flawed even violent but if that little voice (I've read about ancestral veneration an African tradition brought to America) is telling you to get out and they're not the one.....I read Jodi Arias (don't know how to make the possesive thing on this keyboard) diary where she says the little voice was telling her not to go with Travis. Dude, that is the understatement of the 2000s first decade. But ironically because of Ted I met a wonderful man David whom I adore I am so thankful to spirits. David has said things to me that concern me but he has been kind to me also. I feel such a deep soul connection with him he was there for me like sent from Heaven's angels during some lonely and dark times. I suppose I attracted him with hoodoo. Anthony too, whom I love  a lot and seeing him is a blessing in spite of all the problems. I'm sorry things did  not work out in east Elmhurst but I don't have feelings for Mikati I just don't and though I'm grateful for his help but from day one that voice was saying "no."


This one that I'm in a kind of mall or performance space buying a costume people are waiting for me.....I know who but will say another time.....today I dreamt of a carnival, Mom and Sam, E, the bridge. Oh yes a girl I thought was Allison was a different Allison, an Indian girl, saying she's not a "prix." Couple nights ago dreamt again of D Im getting on a train to see B a line I've never taken before end up his place Ds he's playing horror film music (maybe time time to watch Halloween I love the first one) and the camera or my mind is panning to one of those things I don't want to see this but I do anyhow it's a girl hung in a garage.....on closer reflection I realize "she" is me. Hanged Woman. Life in suspension. That's obvious.
So in my mind qu est ce que je fait.....or regarde.....

Law and Order (got hulu! Watched a recent episode this show is   to NYC 1990s 2000s what Shakespeare was to 16th century London)
Criminal Minds another great show awesome people
Jodi Arias her diaries (poor girl was victimized so many times I maintain my faith that she's innocent and thank God she was spared now she needs to be let out)
The rest of Prom Night
Youtube stuff news commentary
There's a huge talent pool of genius out there

Thats the goid news. It's difficult to stay on top of it all but it's there

Films Marina Oswald

Sorry for the delay I've been holed up in Washington Heights after some drama (ha! When do I not have that?) And laying low. I just watched an awesome film on Marina Oswald turns out it's the same director of the Amanda Knox one, Robert Dornhelm. Austrian of Romanian descent I mean movies are so universal I guess it's not that easy to distinguish one nation's from another though there are I suppose certain cultural differences. Anyway I'd watch the Marina one again and so far I've been very impressed with Romanian cinema.....Ils or "They" in English is incredibly stylish.

Giselle Paris Opera, attacks


I found this.....Paris Opera ballets Giselle about a week before the attacks  These things coincide anyone's guess. IMO this ballet is one of the greatest accomplishments by anyone but countless people have been involved, women and men, for three centuries.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015


This summer a series of things..... some were great so were some people. Other things bad to horrific. Certain things and people got me through that. This is a statue of St. Anthony in the courtyard of Dunkin Donuts in Carroll Gardens Brooklyn the light hit just the right way .....I go there early mornings sometimes.....hot chocolate with whipped cream half and half fortunately I can consume a fair amount and not get too chubby. I have a sensitive stomach so I've stopped drinking coffee really no skim milk ugh .....

this is of a store on the UES somewhere, the 90s I think all these sodas in the window they look like they're from the 1950s it just reminds me of the teen movies from that era.....


My phone is messed up again won't power on all the way. The only option is to buy a new one.....tomorrow. This is why I don't bother with expensive phones because this happens. However, I managed to save some photos I took thanks to Google+ which I don't use really but it did save them. 

This is me from ca. 1999 or so.....

more stuff around the city some of them I took over the summer.....

a couple selfies the last is in one of my favorite Chinese restaurants on Chambers St. 

Been staying in Washington Heights it's a lot of $ but worth it in terms of my peace of mind and getting back my sanity.....but what happened to my phone is extremely frustrating. This will be phone #356 I don't know stopped counting.....

Monday, November 16, 2015

new stuff

I have in fact been writing very intensely something but have to go over it before I publish it. It's been a very intense and exhausting week and I'm dealing with a lot. I haven't had a chance to write anything til now and what I did is very arduous and took a lot out of me. Basically I'm .....I could never just go with the flow I have to know what's going on. My latest stuff is about that; that indeed a lot of things have been hidden from me and well, everyone; and in this instance this is a major sore. And the ..... ongoing question why? This is stuff I didn't go public with for many years and had thought to let go but it, as it is, never let go of me because I never got an explanation. What inspired me to look into this again is a few things that were said to me this week which got under my skin and if the pressure is on me to prove something, prove myself, which is not easy to do especially ..... but the best I can do is tell it like I experienced it and I also looked some things up which cast a lot of doubt and ambiguity on things people said in the past which I had at the time taken them at their word for. Anyway.....working on this still will publish it soon. 

Friday, November 06, 2015

follow up

An incident occurred in Brighton Beach where I was a few months ago where the cops were called because this guy beat the shit out of his wife who was also his my friend. This after he stole money from her and did a lot of other stuff. The police took this guy away in cuffs and his wife went to a battered women's shelter. Thank God we are in America where there are civil rights statutes protecting women, unlike countries like Saudi Arabia where there are none. So lest you ......there was an incident over there where a guy beat, tortured and raped his five year old daughter to death and, well, basically nothing was done about it. These kinds of horrific abuses are not an isolated exception, but the rule over there. You gotta love America, and civil rights and democracy, be it highly imperfect but it's in place to be acted out of.  Anyway, I've said my bit for now. 

Other than that trolls are the absolute lowest life form to have ever existed and replying to them is a waste of my time. Ditto for haters If you act from the heart, you're not a hater. 

"You tried to trade on my naivety
But the things you do and say embarrass me
Seem once upon a time I was your fool
But the one I leave behind he is you"

Read more: Joss Stone - You Had Me Lyrics | MetroLyrics
"You Had Me" is track #3 on the album Mind Body and Soul. It was written by White, Francis Anthony Eg / Wright, Betty / Stoker, Wendy Anne / Stone, Joss.

Read more: Joss Stone - You Had Me Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Tomoyo Tsubasa Chronicle Handmade clay figure by yonkairuWatch

Thursday, November 05, 2015

drawing and Jupiter

I guess being female the female form is easier to draw (for me and I guess other people). Balanchine once said "dance is woman." I don't know maybe discriminatory but female form is curvier, more softly proportioned. Anyway.  I doodled constantly as a kid while tuning out whatever was going on in school. Even in kindergarten a teacher told my mom I wasn't interested in group activities I just wanted to do my own thing. I was a cherubic spacey kid with a mass of curly red hair and pouting lips. I went to Sunday school in Evanston; my mother taught one class and she is an excellent story teller. There was another class with a man, I believe he was British.....um, probably he had the right intentions but sorry it was like watching the wall. He wore a bowtie. Throughout his class I would stare at that totally fascinated. I had never seen a man with a bowtie in real life except once in a tuxedo. I thought ties were only the long ones and only saw bowties in the movies, period pieces. 
So I drew during his class if I had paper in front of me. I drew women, dancers, models. My mother is fairly good at sketching and there are many painters in my family so it came naturally. One Sunday afternoon, my mother approached me after Sunday school, kind of laughing, saying that he this teacher had privately told her that I was drawing pictures of sexy women during Sunday school class. 

Jupiter as a female? 

This one is by an American girl. 

Another, this an Italian guy



Found this on the Deviant Art site:

I love Deviant Art boy haven't looked at this site in a while. It makes me remember a time in my life that was very creepy chilly.....but that escaped from. This a few years ago. 



Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Illegal spying on and harassment of bloggers

I don't enjoy writing about these things but it has come out that cointelpro style attacks are being committed along with illegal spying on people who voice their grievances over various social and political issues like I have done. I know about this very well as my suspicions have been proven true. I am one of those people who was unjustly targeted but I want to emphasize this did NOT begin with Obama this occurred during the Bush years. The level of nastiness and petty meanness is stunning. I was targeted by the IRS and I am not a conservative. Nor am I imagining this this is very real as conversations I had privately were repeated verbatim at so called improv shows among other places. Damn right this is criminal activity. This is also why I am avoiding protests and other things I did like radical cheerleading which was creative performance art .....nothing more yet the level of bitchiness and backstabbing I mean .....you think junior high was bad! The spying and wiretapping have been outed and can't be refuted. Much of this was commissioned (illegally) not necessarily by government but by people with money to pay private investigators and hackers because that too happened to me. My friends and I were followed and some dirty lowlife hacked into my emails and, under my name and email address, sent my friend a message asking her if anyone touched her inappropriately "while we were growing up." They also sent nude webcam photos of me to family members. Of course this was not consented to by me nor would I do anything so ridiculous and sick as to send racy photos of myself to my mother and sister and friend. My friend caught the sick email asking if she molested "while we were growing up" when she said we didn't grow up together and alerted me to what happened. She also got an email from my address by this same person pretending to be me asking if she wanted to come party with me and a friend I'm withholding specifics but I asked this friend if he got into my account and wrote this (I did suspect him to be honest as this person had done things in the past that were hurtful to me as well as threatened me, this a him) to her; and he emphatically denied doing it. I did not write these emails that should go without saying, the person I suspected said he didn't do this but obviously someone did and if .....or some such I want to get to the bottom of this as this is very malicious and not an accident. This female friend who got this message  sent a reply saying this is not Laura whoever you are.  Who ever wrote this fraudulent email under my name  apparently confused my friend for my sister. Look I don't know who wrote that message this nor do I want anyone who would do this kind of thing, whoever they are, in my life but when I got attacked I mentioned what happened to the people handling my case as this goes beyond merely a prank this is someone who, even if he or she mixed my sister and friend up, knows I have a sister and other details about my life. When these emails were sent, the one to my friend during the spring, I was at a friend's house in Manhattan, asleep and my phone was charging. I wasn't on the computer or phone at the time. I woke up a couple hours later and saw the replies from my friend which mentioned this message. The nude webcam pictures were sent to my sister a few years ago when I was living in Jersey City. Someone recorded me without my knowledge or permission and sent footage to her.
Around the year 2006, this occurring before what I just talked about.....sorry for the confusion as I'm writing this on my phone trying to get this all down; the repetition of private conversations with my friend in performances I went to, not to mention ripoffs of our ideas, and petty meanness toward me from the IRS and taxing of my 401k, I mean considering this was all the money I had since I wasn't working and had to pay rent I think it was unfair and wrong: that is my opinion. It's not like I was hiding millions of American dollars in an offshore account like I've since found out a number of well known and established people are. I'm not some kind of sleaze trying to take advantage of the system or cheat the government.
Ok; point number ? Another thing: The plagiarism of my words, things I said in an interview with the RCs for Glamour Magazine,  and fraudulent attribution of things I said during this interview, to another person involved, I'm keeping names out for now and for a long time I wasn't going to say anything you know I thought should I let this go or what; but no because it's fucking wrong; I deserve credit for my own intelligence and thoughts, and considering at my job I had been told I haven't "proved myself" as having ability to write and report news and well here's your proof but it's under someone else's name, even though they never said this I did; this  occurred ten years ago and Obama was not president then, Bush was. I want to state this:  I did not write the cheers I performed what was   the consensus at protests and it was FUNNY. I never said I hate Bush or Obama I am not a hateful person. I am an artist and writer. I did because I wasn't working my father had just died and there was no money, I was kicked out of my place and needed to get on my feet, fast. What else was I supposed to do? I mean, no one was paying my way though some people helped and I am grateful for that. But there was no ok some other time for this..... I struggled worked my ass off and dug myself out of a grave so in my opinion why should I apologize? This Glamour Magazine article was written by Liz Scarf and published in the UK and according to the RC website this writer did not fact check and that includes verifying who said what. Journalism 101 I did work in the news says fact check. Look I'm not trying to pontificate but I have to say I find it hypocritical how power was thrown in my face accusing me of being inept at newswriting yet this occurs in Glamour Magazine a major publication by someone put in a position to do this and who was paid by them--but these aren't minor slips these a glaring errors. There's no excuse for not getting this straight. Furthermore, others were quoted as saying things they never said. And quite honestly, people who do this are really not in a position to tell me I'm not good enough to write or haven't proved myself. They run in the same circles.
Another thing; in light of the revelations that Verizon assisted in government spying I was using Verizon at the time this happened; this all around the years 2004-2005  who also tried to overcharge me. A strange man showed up at my door one time saying he was there to "check the meter" and his vibe rubbed me the wrong way. He was very menacing.   Another time during the RNC protests a chopper was hovering over my apartment. Call it what you want whatever it was but I have seen the spy equipment as a store in my neighborhood sells it and friends told me privately that they knew people who were doing this and following me and neighbors around in cars. Not to mention unusually high numbers of hits on a poetry page I posted I mean this is all verifiable I'm not dreaming it, dude. I had mentioned to some other activists that there was spying and one of them was dismissive of me. She went to the DNC to RNC march and complained in an email how it had all turned to crap. Later, an Indymedia article outed one girl as an undercover who went to this march and was involved in at least one setup that landed a 18 year old kid in jail, for a scheme to blow up a building which in fact she had instigated (Anna Davies I believe is her name). This kid in my opinion was not too bright and I personally don't condone, nor have I ever, blowing up buildings. I watched the towers fall at my former job and witnessed several people having nervous breakdowns from the trauma of being near the scene or witnessing it during the Sept. 11 attacks. In short, I am not violent and not a terrorist nor have I ever been. I spoke up about street harassment. I have had my verbal fight but I don't set out to hurt people and never had. I wrote, I danced, I was silly at times.....but I am not an enemy of the state or a dangerous insurgent and therefore spying on me, probably done without a warrant because there's nothing to warrant, is completely unjust. Ditto the other attacks on me. When I saw that spy store, I said people who thought I was paranoid, I wonder who taught them to think. Check out the film "Alone with Her" it's brilliant.   
The fact that some one has a personal vendetta against someone, criticizes them or questions what they do or say,  disagrees with them, speaks out against political oppression, or because they see another person an an artistic or career rival who may steal the spotlight or some such thing from them, is not justification for malicious personal attacks or invading their privacy,  or spying on them. Yet this is what happened. This did not begin with Obama and I've never publicly said anything bad about him, I've never incited anyone to violence nor am I a declared enemy of the government, or anybody. I've never been arrested. I write and perform and that was apparently the raison d'etre (forgive me for not accenting that properly this is not on my keypad) for my phones computers and emails intercepted as well as wiretaps well it occurred somewhere. Ask my friends if you don't believe me.

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Clip from Rod Stewart "Infatuation"

Voyeurism aka pervert law

that's right tear them a new one! ha     


Wednesday, October 21, 2015

deli cats and Lisbeth Salandar

Bodega cats are usually very friendly and sociable as they are used to being around people.....I've gotten to know a few of them. I just love these little guys to pieces.
Sorry to take so long to update I had my phone stolen last week and no computer. What kept me sane was reading Stieg Larsson's Girl With the Dragon Tattoo love it love Lisbeth.....  

Tuesday, October 06, 2015

Pussy Riot with a few additional words a year later

 OK I'm adding a little to this: 

A part of me can empathize with what these girls went through. 

Billy Idol's ex was  a friend of some friends of mine. Her name was Spike, and she did have real talent. A few years ago, not sure......or? recently she was run over. She showed up at my friend's door that night.....rang the buzzer.....then......

ooh. ooh.

Watching a documentary on them that a friend gave me.....reminds me a little of the radical cheerleader days. Also what I read of the British Suffragists: "You have to make more noise than anybody else  you have to fill the papers more than anybody else.....if you want to get your reform realized." Emmaline Pankhurst. I watch this with a grain of salt as I.am not over there (but what is this: a country so allegedly poor but even in Communist days the women were dressed like they stepped out of  Vogue and punk rock and everything.....black market, in America it was called "bootlegging" .....and now their trains look spotless, comfortable and pretty.....but? What do I know.....) I am ignorant as to what Putin has done.....and.....but to stage a protest performance like this I know is a lot of work.....but somewhere too this was being documented as well.....their families interviewed. In the Bush days there were massive protests in every American city ironically his presidency was the catalyst for so much great music art film.....not to mention the loss of our privacy and freedom (that did NOT start with Obama) and mine in a devastating way. This kind of public insurgency isn't new either.....for so long I have avoided writing about this and stayed away from occupy wall street because I felt I would express my .....? I found other methods of it. And did not want to get arrested, thank you. I have known of people in and out of jail (cat and mouse, Pankhurst said.....anyway. It is very disturbing to think about. I watched a youtube clipped of a Ukrainian protester being.....or having been tortured.....Awful stuff.....
Anyway. I was raised in a secular non religious environment in Chicago and New York with divorced parents and went to "nice liberal" Episcopal churches Diana Vera wrote about with female ministers and gay married couples...) so I personally never felt any kind of.....moral fear that I suppose a lot of people are raised with..... though I was told a lot of brain damaging psychobabble by faux New Age gurus but that's another story. Personally although I don't believe what Pussy Riot did in the cathedral was terribly tasteful but I can understand why they did it.....why they are angry. These women.girls have.....how do I say it? I can feel deeply for anyone who puts them self on the line and out of a comfort spot to raise an issue and speak out against a wrong or for what they feel is urgently necessary and impossible to ignore. . I know too well the lies and denial young women are fed day after day even by other women.....and make no mistake they ARE lies.....suck it up, be grateful, shut your mouth.....and things I have been told others were raised with that are so preposterous it's hard to believe but I heard it from more than one source.....

" Last night a little dancer came dancin' to my door
Last night a little angel Came pumpin cross my floor
She said "Come on baby I got a licence for love
And if it expires pray help from above" 

I'd sell my soul for you babe
For money to burn with you
I'd give you all, and have none, babe
Just, just, justa, justa to have you here by me

 Rebel Yell/Billy Idol

"Prom Night" more on

"A cake of soap. A wedding ring. A gold filling." 
Sylvia Plath

As Halloween is approaching and I love this holiday it's my favorite: plan to really do this (suggestions? I love the skulls at Walgreens and .....oh wait a minute every day of my life is this 365 but on this time, Sun in Scorpio, it's official. Skulls are protection: the spirits of the dead (esp. your kin) can cover your ass so be nice to them......
So I never went to prom. I went to a succession of "alternative" high schools one for geniuses another for fucked up kids in Chicago, where they just wanted you to graduate, period. I suppose better than GED or .....there I met my nemesis, Krystal Hunt, who attacked me when I was seven years old. "Still weird....." she said. We recognized each other. I saw some .....ok I'll keep it civil.....this woman who approached me smiled at me.....I just got the wrong vibe from her. "Remember me from junior high?" No, thank fuck. I've blocked it out, including you. I didn't have breakfast yet, though maybe that added to my irritability. A part of me thinks, time goes by forgive and forget. The problem is people don't well whatever. At the time I was enraged, you know, but what can you do? Yeah, so Krystal Hunt, when we were seven, we're friends now I'm sorry  when we were a few blocks away from school I knew it was coming so I was prepared. She dropped her act and attacked me, again. What makes people think I'm so naive and dumb I won't see through an obvious act? "One may smile and be a villain....." (Hamlet) [citation] I knew that then. I ..... animals they know danger when it's approaching "I walk through the shadow of death" "You want to put me back in Stillwater?" (Fargo) yet I went so I have to at least accept .....but I survived. Wouldn't be the last time. ..... call it transference projection what have you something to discuss with my shrink but can't stop it just grips me and I can't get over it, it won't leave my mind, never, it can't I close my eyes he's there open them he's there even when he isn't.....he's always with me always next to me can almost feel his breath on my neck, or in my ear.....

"I may be skin and bone. I may be Japanese." Plath

  So eight years old visiting family in Michigan and my aunt, who was closer in age to me than my mom and a teenager then, took me under her wing and introduced me to her high school friends this was the era of bands like Foreigner or a few years after  ..... me, age eight or so, my aunt, who was maybe fifteen, her guy friends one of them Brent, I think his name was.....we're driving through Michigan, this Battle Creek, a --if you've never been there you're in for something if you decide to visit. I don't even know how to describe it.....the whole state is very lonely with extremes of weather hot that burns you pink in minutes and bone-stabbing cold..... and the feeling is as if you were on the moon, or a deserted carnival.....I haven't been everywhere but even taking a cab through what was the remains of Taba in Egypt after it was bombed .....it's as if the oxygen and any signs of life human warmth or souls have been sucked out......that's Battle Creek.....through the trees and the sky black, at night, summer, through some stone tunnel or something like that......like you see in Central Park. Mary says, "I'll bet someone was murdered in here" too close to the probable truth because this tunnel was a real horror show.....or something out of an Edgar Allen Poe story. On our way to the movies. We went to McDonalds where I was dying to try the orange shake.....Brent said, "That looks like pus." (piss? pus....piss pus, pus) Me: "What is pus?" "When you pop your pimples....." Pimples maybe I remembered.....so we got to the theater where "Prom Night" is showing (what is prom) last scene the story difficult to follow (motivation, goo.....avenging his sister's death) "kill kill kill.....!" My aunt used to call me "cuds" though I didn't know what that meant.....I went out of the theater to get soda couldn't return it went back in bloody hands out of the ceiling girl alone in a locker room young couple making out in a camper, in the woods, and we were in the woods. My friend once told me the city is safer. It is. Where will you run in the woods who can you call there are no pay phones.....at the end the head in a ski mask, minus the rest of him, is on the floor the mask comes off and that was my first severed head. Later.....a few years, age twelve, our class was shown a film on the French Revolution even now thinking about it makes me sick.
So maybe it was a subconscious thing but I never went to prom even if it was .....but, shrug. I went to shows. Punk bands. Red Hot Chili Peppers once in Brooklyn and once in Chicago even if .....the crowd there was rough even more than the skinheads I came back from that show in Chicago where I was front row with bruises on both hips. My dad was driving me to the show and we couldn't find the tickets later Dad found them "they were in the litter box" .....a girl friend of mine had a thing with Anthony Keidis even though he had a gf and .....the wall had been cracked the Cold War was ending and I was in ice. I didn't want to leave my friends my life where I was happy but I was not really .....I had to....."yes yes herr professor it is I" Sylvia Plath

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Lee Harvey Oswald in Russia

Have been researching this just cause I don't know.....I was randomly searching through old ballet footage from Russia and thought of what I'd seen and read about him there; not much. Anyway. 

"dying is an art/I do it exceptionally well/I do it so it feels like hell/I do it so it feels real" Plath

Anna Pavlova - 'Invitation to the Dance' aka 'Invitation to the Valse'

I used to pore through pictures of her for hours anyway this is so pretty even if the music sucks (merely my opinion)


When I was about ten years old I was taken to see 2001 Space Odyssey with my then step siblings and stepfather and mother. Given that we were children.....in a big dark empty theater and this movie is three hours long.....I haven't watched this in ages but am obsessed with Jan 12 1992 Dan Richter's performance as the bone-discovering ape. This film is actually comic and considering it was 40 some years ago this makes me think about the issues with my phone which has malfunctioned innumerable times probably due to being hacked.
When I was in school I was cast in a....not sure whether to call it a play a dance or what.....I was dressed up like an ape and playing one.....jumping around and making the sounds they make. My boyfriend at the time asked if he could come see it and I asked him not to I was embarrassed then.....but watching this sequence God I deserved an Oscar and so does anyone who can do these moves because they are exhausting. Dan Richter deserved one. Who says this isn't acting? Of course it is!

Saturday, August 29, 2015

cannibal cop

Around the time this came out; no joke; I was listening to this song over and over on my phone. He was at the 26th Precinct, to whom I reported the crime when I was attacked. All male officers. So harrowing.....I'm shaken everywhere.

pop psych: narcissim, sociopaths, psychopaths

I jotted this down after reading an article: this associated with narcissism but attributable to others. Mainly all three have a need for validation as well as power and control. I've seen this behavior in poor and oppressed people as well as rich middle class this is one illness that's across the board. Ironically, it manifests itself in pretty much the same ways; except sometimes the middle and upper middle classes will go to greater lengths to hide it. Heaven help you if they sense you know their secret: they will go ballistic at you and often try to destroy you or at least prevent you from talking. Oftentimes they themselves know psychology but will fail to see these traits in themselves and project them onto you making you think you are bad, you are the problem. You're not. They are bad, they are the problem. But they will go the distance to maintain that deception, really do anything to. Their obsession and impulse is to seek out situations of power no matter how irrational and that of course is dangerous to everyone including animals. They will lie about who they really are; and go to any length to present themselves as upstanding members of society; progressive and liberal thinkers (in fact they're the opposite: they usually hold rigid, intolerable and inflexible (usually patriarchal) views on how the world should be and how people should act, what their "role" in society is and expect everyone to act according to that. But if it suits them to the occasion they will pretend to be the opposite. They will involve themselves in liberal and activist causes; and if it gives them the role of the "rescuer" even better as that validates their need for power while disguising their true identity. No one will think they president of the society for abused children or animals is not a nice guy/girl. It also forces they rescue into the position of being grateful and owing them. All of these attributes are glaring red alarms in a potential rapist or date rapist and honestly .....there are many athletes and frat boys and jocks who are great people and there are many of them in my family. But often in those circles (I saw a lot of this at Stuyvesant as well) is the premise that they must win at all costs, blast through obstacles, convince the other party to your way of thinking or change their opinion, win them over, rack up numbers, prizes, statistics you get the idea. And be aggressive and scary to your opponent. But this alone isn't always enough because often these men don't want trouble. Borderline or narcissistic personality comes with it: the need to instill both admiration and fear into another, to draw them into your circle and keep them there; as well as bipolar thinking one minute you're great the next you're terrible no matter what. Rage, intolerance, unforgiveness inappropriate to the situation; i.e. over minor things, can erupt into violence if their superiority is questioned or if they sense that they're losing you.
Women and girls fall for actors, athletes and rock stars because they are good looking, charismatic, famous and rich and achievers in arts and sports as well as "poets" who "understand" them I understand as a teenager I looked up to these men. Often, they do understand. But that's not always a good thing. These are the kinds of people who seek out power, acclaim, fame because it validates them and gives them control. Life is a set of statistics to them, and trophies and men view women as this; as the Other, as less than them, as a thing; and they seek out environments and situations where they won't be criticized or punished for this type of thing but told that it's ok to behave this way even if you are damaging people and lives. I can understand being attracted to boys in bands and actors but athletes especially are trained daily in aggressive, high adrenaline settings and to seek winning numbers, points, prizes, money; and to move up the ladder by pushing others down. This doesn't make for boyfriend material because he carries that mentality over to women and to put it plainly he doesn't give a shit about you or anyone else he's sexually involved in. It can hurt to be psychologically coerced or manipulated into degrading, humiliating and painful sex acts and this further confused by the fact that in these circles this type of behavior is  accepted and they get away with it; while they think you're just a cheap tramp. Maybe some women act "cheap" or dress that way and be they ever so this, so that, even if they act "trashy" no one deserves to be treated like shit. No one deserves to be lied to to get them to consent to sex then dumped like used toilet paper. But that's how it happens and it's condoned and accepted; these men are surrounded by people who parrot and reinforce what they want to hear which is that they are right, can do no wrong, and it's acceptable to hurt people this way and a good thing. But it is none of these things. It's not acceptable, it's not good, and nothing but wrong ever comes of this behavior. It creates long-term ill effects emotionally, psychologically, socially; it tears apart relationships, friendships, and is purely destructive. The emotional toll is not always visible but is disastrous. This whole basketball player/ex gf suit maybe they are both immature and both wrong. She may be telling the truth it wouldn't be surprising. The difference between consented to and not consented to sex can be hazy and confusing. Maybe you agreed to this but not to that but he argued with you tried to change your mind told you that (usually in more glossy terms) this turns him on and that if you don't do this he will find some other girl who will. There is always "some other girl" outside. So you finally give in under pressure and even though you said yes and you weren't physically forced you ended up being talked into something you didn't really want  to do. You don't want to think your bf is a monster and maybe he isn't. He has good qualities.....but point being a lot of athletes are narcissistic and are in a setting in which women aren't respected and in the end he chose someone else for his wife while you were a "side chick." Thing is, he probably treats his wife just as shittily. The more women and girls are educated the less shiny the fool's gold. Venus, goddess of love, is of smoke and mirrors. Narcissists concoct an image but it's a facade to draw you in. They can sense where you are vulnerable and suck on that and suck on that and suck on that the vampires they are til there's nothing left of you, til you're haunted by a ghost of your old self with no idea what happened. But an attachment is an attachment and some women (men) won't let go and if they're narcissistic in their own way they will seek their own validation. Or revenge. Well, the best advice would be know what and who you are dealing with.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

thinking back

there was quite a bit of sympathy and kindness coming my way and I'm grateful for that in fact my heart bleeds.....it really means everything to me. I don't always act like it but it does. thank you.

Someone tried to pay an inmate at Estrella prison to harass Jodi Arias

from the site www.jodiariasisinnocent.com

According to the site there was a Jodi hater who offered to pay an inmate at her former prison, Estrella, to harass her. I've already made my feelings known about certain people. The inmate, to her credit, refused and reported it to Jodi and the staff at the prison and it's now on record as well as the name of the person who attempted this. That's stalking, which is illegal.

A lot of stuff I wrote

Recently was not pleasant but I am not someone who thinks horribly of people; I don't. Some things I experienced were at the hands of a few individuals who are not nice. The fallout from that was devastating. I learned the hard way the truth about them. However, like I said, there are a lot of great people in the world you know I haven't forgotten that. I wish I did not have to say this or write this and leave it to someone else to deal with because I'm a writer and performer, not the police, not a psychiatrist. But I was forced to deal with it and it's so much of the time on looking back I think I should have just walked away, had I been able to foresee the future but when you're in the moment these things aren't clear. Or when I'd hoped to quietly walk away but that didn't happen. BUT anyway in the here and now is where I am and looking forward to what's next.


Sorry for the delay. The past few days had me on a mad chase to get some stuff done and deal with some issues, which haven't been fully resolved. 

I read an article about a girl who is suing a basketball star, or some such, saying he drugged and raped her at some point in the past. She never reported it to the police, which is a major strike against her, and this is suddenly surfacing some years later with nothing to back up her claims, apparently. For the life of me I don't understand why some women don't report crimes against them. I know the police are a corrupt institution, or at least highly imperfect. Yes there are "good cops" but there has been rampant abuse as well. Still, that doesn't change the fact that if you are in danger from someone you need to get a record of this and as much as possible to back up what you say or who the fuck will believe you? You have nothing to validate yourself.  When I was attacked two months ago, as soon as, thank God, I managed to escape the first thing I did was go to a pay phone and call 911. I had to tell the police who were all men in explicit detail what he did to me: he raped me orally and forced me  (under threat of serious bodily harm or death, or that he'd go after my friends and family) to perform degrading sex acts that I'd objected to many times as well as other stuff (ugly, horrible, some other time for this.....forced me to watch kiddie porn, bestiality...... sick and disgusting which I had always said I objected to without exception because I do. I am a person of ethics and have an active hatred for any kind of art which degrades women; and I am no fan of anything or anyone that abuses children or animals and anyway that's a felony; ) and filmed me on his phone while he was attacking me. I DID NOT consent to any of it and had refused before he attacked me and, believe me, there's no mistake, he knows I didn't consent. The police didn't believe it was rape since this is someone I'd been involved with and discouraged me from going to a SART nurse though the paramedics came as he'd hit me and spit on me repeatedly, pulled my hair til it was in knots and tried to strangle me. He'd told me this was only the beginning and he was going to basically torture and repeatedly rape and then kill me, then himself. The only thing that saved me was, because we were in his car, he was leaving to go into the apartment that he was staying in and told me to follow him saying if I left he'd find me. I said nothing merely nodded and when he got out I dressed, got out to follow him and he'd refused to give me my IDs and stuff that was in the back of the car but I managed to grab it quickly then he told me to walk behind him, and I did, but turned on the next corner and went to the phone and called 911. Every time I write about or talk about this I relive the hell and being that.....we had hung out many times and it's true there were drugs involved I know it's not a good thing but that what it was I can't deny it. However; I had made clear I wouldn't do certain things and repeatedly objected to the horrific videos and refused to watch them. I hadn't wanted to talk about any of this same as with Ted I had originally wanted merely to walk away, move on, and hope this situation would resolve itself somehow, but that didn't happen, and I had no choice but to go public and talk about it. I'm withholding names right now but people responsible know who they are. I'm writing about this for my safety so if I disappear it will be well known that it wasn't an accident; that it was retaliation and vindictiveness on these people's part. The world needs to know and women need to be aware of what's out there and that a crime is a crime; bottom line I have to fight even if my defenses are few; and at the time I had none; it was only by the grace of God and spirits I got out alive and with only a few bruises; and let it be known I am simply not going to take any shit. Neither should anybody. There are Web sites out there, such as the repugnant Dark Web, which post live "snuff films" of rape, murder and torture of women that they've been stalking and conspiring to to this to for a long time. There are men out there (some women, unfortunately) who are seeking their next victim, and the SVU counselor told me they look for someone vulnerable, who won't be missed, who they think is too timid or meek to go to the police.....if this person thought that about me he was wrong. I agree with Loolwa Khazzoom that women should be allowed to and encouraged to carry firearms. For protection only, not to harm someone for superfluous or no reason. There are many people hiding behind false identities, which much of the time they have carefully crafted; fake avatars, proxy servers; knowing if they get caught they will go to jail and because deep down they are cowardly losers, who arrogantly boast about hurting defenseless women, children, animals.....anyone who they think can't fight back and because their feeling of power comes from thinking that they will get away with it. And furthermore, here this ain't Saudi Arabia. America is far from perfect but we do have civil rights here and for good reason. Two of my exes are facing jail time for rape and another has been credibly accused by a number of women across the country of the same. These crimes are under reported in the media oftentimes but I'm telling you they are a colossal problem, not a minor side issue that it's often treated as, that is not going to go away. I've read some forensic psychology and one of the theories is that these people are somehow emotionally regressed into an infantile stage obsessed with immediate gratification, thrill seeking.....and have an inability to control impulses and have a need for a feeling of power, even if only a temporary one, despite the long term consequences. They are sick. Many of them regret what they've done but due to their illness feel they are unable to stop. I was told by a friend that many men who watch kiddie porn are themselves married with children, and there are cases of women raped by their husbands even after decades of marriage and even though they have children together. This was also told to me by the SVU counselor; There are..... I'm sorry, but I'm telling it like it is..... there are men who have girlfriends and wives who are serial rapists. Know what you are getting yourself into and heed the warning signs. It
.....the lady paramedic was very sweet and supportive and this person was taken away in handcuffs and I got a restraining order against him. Following through on this has been a harrowing and tumultuous ordeal and I didn't trust people before but now I know not to trust anyone. This person I knew well for years and had thought was a friend even though he'd been abusive to me before it was never to this degree and followed up with apologies and him swearing he wouldn't hurt me and such. He has serious problems and it's very sad because he is capable of better. For two months the fallout and aftermath have been hell at times but there has been, which I'm grateful for, good as well. Despite that I was discouraged from it, I went to Bellevue later and got a rape kit done and they were all quite nice and supportive. I don't enjoy writing about this and dealing with prosecutors, counselors, medics.....yes it's horrible to have to relive over and over what happened but repressing this is dangerous and harmful. Later, I was hospitalized and had a cat scan done. My hair is still in knots.
But reading about this alleged rape lawsuit infuriated me. I don't know what happened that day, I wasn't there. No one does, and therein lies the problem. There are people who will do anything for money including bring false allegations against someone and a frivolous, fraudulent lawsuit thinking they will get rich quick. Another case in point is those two women who tried to sue the management of the building that burned down on the lower east side even though they weren't hurt when there were people who died from this fire, people who nearly lost everything; they are a disservice and disrespect to serious and valid cases like mine and many others. The counselor also told me that she had talked to a girl who escaped the "Long Island serial killer" and is naturally traumatized though thankfully she survived. Others did not, tragically. Keep records of where you are, let people know, because there is real shit out there. This guy hasn't been caught. Don't walk down isolated country roads or alleyways or streets alone at night if you can avoid it or, once again, let someone know where you are. At times I pretended to be on the phone with someone; I mean I lived in Bedford Stuyvesant. Don't get so drunk you don't know where you are or what you're doing; I was waiting for the PATH train once and there was a girl who was dressed up like going to a party; who was seriously drunk or maybe she'd been roofied, and these men were making vulgar comments at her; I gave her my shawl because she looked cold. I got on the train when it came and she remained in the station; God I hope she's ok. Another time I gave money to a woman who said her husband beat her up and she was pretty badly injured I saw it. I had to call the cops another time in White Plains because these men were following a woman and pushing her around. This is unacceptable. People who witness crimes like this or hear screams of help and DON'T call 911 and do nothing are, in my opinion, equally monstrous and equally guilty and belong in jail for this and legally that makes them an accessory. The girl (Sarah Coit) who was stabbed a few years ago; OK I'm revising this: conflicting reports. One person heard and called the cops apparently there were others who knew what was happening yet did not. A little confusing. But honestly if you witness an attack like this and CAN call 911 but DON'T well I already said my piece. 
It's not for no reason that I watch crime shows and have seen enough of Law and Order, SVU to know what to do if stuff goes down. I've read some criminal law and forensic psychology like I said. Ignorance is bliss until reality comes and bites you in the ass and I am someone who needs to know what's going on. I guess I can't just go with the flow and hope everything works out and I never had the luxury of being able to assume that we live in a benevolent society. After being bullied in elementary and junior high school and people choosing to divulge stuff to me I guess I became privy to information most people don't know about. I wasn't able to put it out of my mind and move on like I'd wanted to. Some people I had the bad fortune to let into my world; that I admit is where I fucked up; but they did not seem "bad" they were very likeable and charismatic on the surface; turned out to be damned nasty in reality. 
BUT there are others who were good to me and I haven't forgotten that either. I owe these people a lot. Of course I'm grateful for that. But all these things that are surfacing now: the scandals; public figures in high places that stuff about them was unearthed.....for so long this was under the surface and a deadly virus that was corrupting everything. It's very scary and emotionally I'm shaken up from writing about this and dealing with this but despite that things need to be said.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Went to Bigelows and tried on some make up lipstick and base cover up (which I rarely use) which was too intense and heavy.....kind of funny I looked freakish, like a Cirque de Soleil performer. Two months after my attack I woke from the initial shell shock though I always knew what was happening: an attempt to trick me into doing sick sex shit that I would never do (or anyone in their right mind) when that didn't work this person became physically violent. I'm not naming names now but ugh! the lows that humans sink to and two of my former bfs, yes, admittedly, you know are capable of far better and it's not like I didn't warn them about certain things. They knew plenty well what they were getting into and they went ahead anyway. I feel like as I have studied psychology either these people are trying to provoke or get caught I don't know or else the fear or rationality factors or chemicals in their brains are inhibited or weak or not there. The brain releases chemicals for different situations as an evolutionary survival mechanism and fear factor is one of them. The message "Don't go out tonight!" "Don't jump into that volcano!" "Don't do this; it's not worth the consequences" or some such message to hold one back. Sometimes it's necessary to step out of a comfort zone scary though it is but there is a difference between that and immature stupidity and failure to control impulses. You can't keep defending shitty behavior even if you were driven to it or under pressure from others if you're hurting others and damaging lives; even under threat, you hurt innocent people you're a cunt, and I don't sympathize or care what your excuse is. Excuses are a dime a dozen. You have family, well so do I; I was hurt and we were hurt by what you did. You had a choice; you chose to act on the side of cruelty and immorality. The Nazi soldiers stated they were merely following orders. Understandable, but not an excuse. On further discussion this may be more clear. I'll leave it here for now. You of whom I speak, you know what I'm talking about. If you are helping or benefiting yourself by hurting me or another innocent person and making a deal with the devil then you are simply an asshole, pure and simple, and I hope he charges high interest oh yes if such was life and so simple. yeah, that I hope. I'm withholding names but those of whom I speak if you're reading this you know what I'm talking about and who you are and let's not kid ourselves, if you're righteously indignant it's melodrama and, yes, my criticism of you is valid. Maybe you'll learn from it, if you're at all human. 

Monday, August 17, 2015

Friends who've disappeared

At my former job a woman had warned me to stay away from cults emphasizing (to me) "you are very susceptible." Probably true. Fortunately people stepped in when ..... these people tried to recruit me. A former boyfriend had joined, ok I won't say "cult" but, well, they wanted me to part with my life savings to give to them saying that my life would improve and my money increase tenfold, something like that, after I join them and have a "breakthrough." This was.....the Landmark Forum. I don't want to cast aspersions, but my ex boyfriend joined them and......disappeared. I have no idea where he is. Not on Facebook, Twitter, I tried emailing him and can't get in touch. My friend Aeysha in Evanston, another mystery. oh boy. This is getting cryptic. I may just be unaware maybe they changed their names I don't know. But ?

Hamptons and back.....

Had a nice weekend out there with family and friends.....I saw spiders on one of the porches and was watching them. I think it was a family of them. I looked up spiders on the Web pardon the pun and found an article describing the different......breeds genus something, plus an article on how spiders fuck. Or mating rituals.....that plus two novels ..... Now I'm back in the city and to my life  the people here so......and they're great you know, so it is how it is.....that didn't come out right apologies my concentration is not at its best now......point being I had a very nice time and am grateful, was very much to be surrounded by woods and hear crickets at night.

Saturday, August 08, 2015

Jim Morrison poster

Maybe it's in my mind but a picture of him I saw it's like he was staring right at me. Then I read a post about someone having psychic dreams about JM. Why would he want to talk to me? I was never that into the Doors. I had a dream about him years ago. The whole Laurel Canyon scene it was before my time.....

Thursday, August 06, 2015

Prom Night

my aunt took me to see this when she herself was a teenager and I was.....five? not sure.....severed head on the dance floor and all......this was in Michigan which is creepy enough at night. Her friends were driving us through a tunnel and she commented probably someone was murdered there.....my generation I guess we were exposed to, well, everything.....even without internet. One day at camp, summer camp, I was about seven, and these two boys, junior high-aged.....approached me while I was waiting for my ride home. They asked me if I wanted to go "fuck" --I'd heard that term knew it was obscene and a "bad word" but.....? the meaning.....I won't go into what else they said. Pretty terrifying, actually.....at age eleven my friend Cherish and I were, at separate times, harassed by a Mexican (not a jab against Mexicans) El train ticket agent. He asked me, "Do you want to meet me for coffee when you're sixteen?" We were both afraid of "him" he has a pencil-thin mustache and I only.....I hope no one ever got in his grasp......well, you know, this is how it was.

Monday, August 03, 2015

Drawing St. Anthony

On the train to Rockaway the other night, crowded as fuck, amazing on a Saturday night more people are going from Manhattan to Brooklyn, than vice versa. Bridge and Tunnel takes on a new meaning! ha......anyway, a man was wearing an "I can't breathe!" T shirt. I had been listening to the Clash song "Murder is a crime/unless it was done/by a policeman/or an aristocrat" .....I had downloaded that song and was listening to it; that and a song by Public Enemy "Letter to the NY Post" over and over again the day of this incident. I was standing in line at the post office with my mom to apply for a passport. John Kennedy and JFK Jr and Princess Diana were all (the last two likely anyway) killed, and came from a blue-bloodline. Ugh.....I haven't really followed this incident but can't ignore it; knowing (I smoke from time to time, yeah, not healthy, but also shitty as fuck for the state to tax cigarettes so high and make these stupid laws busting deli owners for selling out of state cigarettes thus leading to the new "black market" Eric Garner was part of. All it is is some poor sucker needing a cigarette not wanting to pay $14 and someone making money on the books or not this is NYC and I found out that there is plenty of......well this system I mean this is my opinion is just stupid.
People are horrible and I have been around them. On either side of the equation they we are all human but it's just the same petty meanness. A guy selling 75 cent cigarettes is put in a chokehold when the American people have been robbed and our economy is in the toilet and people can't afford cigarettes or subway fare or food or rent not to mention our privacy invaded and make no mistake this was all ILLEGAL. To their credit the cops helped me when I was attacked and saved me and I'm thankful for that and having seen cops walk past me and a young rookie kid cross him self.....another interview with a young kid officer who started crying...... no I don't think they deserve or that anyone really deserves to get shot at least 98 % don't.....I mean I feel for that. The problem is......sigh.  The bigger picture is the wrongness of human beings and lack of integrity and the men I've been involved with not all but a lot (yes some women too) horrible misconduct on their part I wasn't going to write about this but it's the way it is. They took advantage of me and the situation and their behavior can't be excused. Nor am I the only one they did this to. I don't know all the details I don't know what goes on, you know, when I'm not there because I am not there. I only know what I read. But invasion of privacy is a crime; spying on people in their homes without their knowledge given they are not criminals or terrorists but merely because you don't like them personally or .....what have you......is not backed up by any law. This has happened, does happen. I wish I didn't have to write about this.....it's a gruesome thing but like people have said something in me attracts attention and I don't try to.

Friday, July 31, 2015

Jersey Shore and music videos

been a while ......ooh lordie dear where does the time go? I've been through a lot in the past few months heaven and hell with God's grace I survived. BUT now I just want to move on. Yes I am grateful and now take nothing for granted, how can I? I've seen the best and worst of humanity the worst, I am happy to say, are no longer part of my life. If nothing else, I'm a fighter. Not by choice. I was bullied in school and yes there are those who've had it worse, Heaven help them, but I've had, like I said, great people and terrible people both.....I read somewhere that people come into your life at times because you let them in. I can't deny to a degree I did. Sometimes your unconscious processes things much faster than your conscious mind and when you're vulnerable you're not thinking clearly. That's why sleep is important! It is.
I have been all over the place lately it seems and .....this is the first time I've been able to sit comfortably all day. 

My friend was very sweet to invite me to the Jersey Shore I have a ton of photos but uploading them will be slow......the place I was at is surely haunted at least so I've read and it does feel that way. It is quite beautiful though. Gorgeous (still have trouble spelling that!) Art Deco architecture and.....huge bathrooms. I preferred to use the one in the side hall cause the main one was kind of gross. Oh yes! Darlene Love was there filming her video and I got some footage.....honestly it was then and there I found out who she is (from the Crystals "Da Doo Ron Ron" ect) the car  she was in.....the first thing I said was, "This looks like Christine! It's Christine!" someone said it actually belongs to someone who drives it and I said, "But wait, the license plate says 'Love' .....is that real?" Then I went to Bushwick, BK la (I say that as I still haven't found a place) and there was a girl from Denmark who had stayed at another house owned by the same person, and she answered that they kicked her out because she didn't shower enough. I said, "Oh, I took a shower before coming here " they started laughing  .....people have said I take everything literally. She had been making a joke.....anyway Darlene Love and her band sounded amazing it really is totally different live......like I said I will post photos later it's going to take some time. 

I have actually written quite a bit on some darker subjects but not ready to post this yet......I will eventually.

Friday, July 24, 2015

We've met the enemy, and he'(she)s our friend"

Expression from the sixties.....Or so I'd read. The actual activists that is, from that time.....who did not.....just sit around and drop acid but were well aware of what was happening and.....well, organizers. Give them that

"Thou.shalt not lie" "thou shalt not kill" are in the Bible but .....they don't say "it's ok to tell a white lie but not a major one" "it's ok to kill someone who is a cunt but not anyone else" or "you can kill a fly or a bird but not a person" but don't lie, dont kill. Recently I was washing my face and it said "antibacterial" "kills germs" tonight if I followed this.could I not use this stuff because it kills what do I do is there something that will chase bacteria or germs away without killing them or  not wash my face or hope it just flies off? Recently someone tried to kill me. Or threatened to. Either he has always been this way (in that case good riddance) or something got to him. Brainwashing? All kidding aside, if you vote for a sociopath like Dick Cheney then you deserve it. It doesn't take much to see that he is. Sometimes I feel that but I know how good actors they are. And they are good. I looked in Dick (the name says it right there) Cheney's eyes and they are dead, emotionless. He is a sociopath, I feel it. He doesn't care, he doesn't feel. Same for that slimebucket "sextortionist" or, let's call it what it is, he is a rapist, Lucas Chansler.