"A cake of soap. A wedding ring. A gold filling."
As Halloween is approaching and I love this holiday it's my favorite: plan to really do this (suggestions? I love the skulls at Walgreens and .....oh wait a minute every day of my life is this 365 but on this time, Sun in Scorpio, it's official. Skulls are protection: the spirits of the dead (esp. your kin) can cover your ass so be nice to them......
So I never went to prom. I went to a succession of "alternative" high schools one for geniuses another for fucked up kids in Chicago, where they just wanted you to graduate, period. I suppose better than GED or .....there I met my nemesis, Krystal Hunt, who attacked me when I was seven years old. "Still weird....." she said. We recognized each other. I saw some .....ok I'll keep it civil.....this woman who approached me smiled at me.....I just got the wrong vibe from her. "Remember me from junior high?" No, thank fuck. I've blocked it out, including you. I didn't have breakfast yet, though maybe that added to my irritability. A part of me thinks, time goes by forgive and forget. The problem is people don't well whatever. At the time I was enraged, you know, but what can you do? Yeah, so Krystal Hunt, when we were seven, we're friends now I'm sorry when we were a few blocks away from school I knew it was coming so I was prepared. She dropped her act and attacked me, again. What makes people think I'm so naive and dumb I won't see through an obvious act? "One may smile and be a villain....." (Hamlet) [citation] I knew that then. I ..... animals they know danger when it's approaching "I walk through the shadow of death" "You want to put me back in Stillwater?" (Fargo) yet I went so I have to at least accept .....but I survived. Wouldn't be the last time. ..... call it transference projection what have you something to discuss with my shrink but can't stop it just grips me and I can't get over it, it won't leave my mind, never, it can't I close my eyes he's there open them he's there even when he isn't.....he's always with me always next to me can almost feel his breath on my neck, or in my ear.....
"I may be skin and bone. I may be Japanese." Plath
So eight years old visiting family in Michigan and my aunt, who was closer in age to me than my mom and a teenager then, took me under her wing and introduced me to her high school friends this was the era of bands like Foreigner or a few years after ..... me, age eight or so, my aunt, who was maybe fifteen, her guy friends one of them Brent, I think his name was.....we're driving through Michigan, this Battle Creek, a --if you've never been there you're in for something if you decide to visit. I don't even know how to describe it.....the whole state is very lonely with extremes of weather hot that burns you pink in minutes and bone-stabbing cold..... and the feeling is as if you were on the moon, or a deserted carnival.....I haven't been everywhere but even taking a cab through what was the remains of Taba in Egypt after it was bombed .....it's as if the oxygen and any signs of life human warmth or souls have been sucked out......that's Battle Creek.....through the trees and the sky black, at night, summer, through some stone tunnel or something like that......like you see in Central Park. Mary says, "I'll bet someone was murdered in here" too close to the probable truth because this tunnel was a real horror show.....or something out of an Edgar Allen Poe story. On our way to the movies. We went to McDonalds where I was dying to try the orange shake.....Brent said, "That looks like pus." (piss? pus....piss pus, pus) Me: "What is pus?" "When you pop your pimples....." Pimples maybe I remembered.....so we got to the theater where "Prom Night" is showing (what is prom) last scene the story difficult to follow (motivation, goo.....avenging his sister's death) "kill kill kill.....!" My aunt used to call me "cuds" though I didn't know what that meant.....I went out of the theater to get soda couldn't return it went back in bloody hands out of the ceiling girl alone in a locker room young couple making out in a camper, in the woods, and we were in the woods. My friend once told me the city is safer. It is. Where will you run in the woods who can you call there are no pay phones.....at the end the head in a ski mask, minus the rest of him, is on the floor the mask comes off and that was my first severed head. Later.....a few years, age twelve, our class was shown a film on the French Revolution even now thinking about it makes me sick.
So maybe it was a subconscious thing but I never went to prom even if it was .....but, shrug. I went to shows. Punk bands. Red Hot Chili Peppers once in Brooklyn and once in Chicago even if .....the crowd there was rough even more than the skinheads I came back from that show in Chicago where I was front row with bruises on both hips. My dad was driving me to the show and we couldn't find the tickets later Dad found them "they were in the litter box" .....a girl friend of mine had a thing with Anthony Keidis even though he had a gf and .....the wall had been cracked the Cold War was ending and I was in ice. I didn't want to leave my friends my life where I was happy but I was not really .....I had to....."yes yes herr professor it is I" Sylvia Plath