oh lovelies

Saturday, December 29, 2012

more on the fiscal crisis

I did some research on this (Im not a f***ing idiot, OK) Boehner, his so-called ties to big business lobbyists, his background.....unlike Romney he, according to what Ive read which is of course questionable, comes from a working class background, is from Ohio of German ancestry not too different from me......though I heavily disagree with his decisions, to put it mildly.....it's fairly interesting. But, to .......I am hard put to get on this.......I wrote a storm of heartfelt editorial on it by hand.......someone who has an apparent conflict of interest (hey, I'm repeating what others wrote) how are they in a position to determine where the money goes when so many people in America are affected, me among them? That is simply unacceptable and obviously unethical. Hades......who rules long-term investments and growth, and boy do they love to talk about this, the right......I am going to get a blast of fury for saying this......for now I'll leave it unsaid.....it.....I have to get off this topic for now. But.....I'm talking about something bigger than party politics and.....I will say this.  Power the subject here.....power corrupts? not sure if always. but considering my experience.....which I dont want to write about yet. Rip the scab off a wound that is still fresh.......it's painful and humiliating. I ......the memory of that kind of pain is loud and ever present. No one can go through that without wanting to see some kind of resolution. A very black heart one has, full of envy and hatred. And an insane arrogance and self-centeredness. But I can say this person is for the first time in her life feeling the impact of what she has done and is seeing she is not invincible. Maybe that's Hades as well. I will not name names and I am talking about a composite of people  and one person kind of overlaps.....but I see that it  pays not to be a cunt to people cause people remember......word gets around and you .....it catches up.

fiscal cliff?

bI was typing before my phone crashed I sure hope "they" resolve this just cause I'm so damn tired of reading about it! I went through a .....was horribly distressed yesterday about some stuff. personal. I am somewhat better. I went running today not as much as I was but my knees are holding up.....I have been staying in and training practicing  and am so tired in between.....I fall into bed. some girl yelled at me, which I heard but didnt see, you still running? I googled bayside park and its interesting the history of it and this woman wrote of her childhood here. the sixties. how "the neighborhood changed." pretty phoenomenal. but so it happens. the demographic she means. why is it that way? sigh. goodness if I can answer that.....

I made some really bad decisions last year. some of the worst of my life. I was almost forced to. I never, ever ever want to repeat that mistake. I wish it were otherwise. I just didnt know what to do. I will never do that again. But I don't understand why.damn phone crashed. goddammit!!!!! I was typing, before it got erased, some would say I used people. Maybe I did. And I regret that. I did not set out to. I dont do that, period. Intentionally. However, in terms of the bigger picture I feel used. I do. Maybe I'm being overdramatic but I feel that way. I feel manipulated. Whether that was intentional of them or anybody I dont know. now I am going to save. scuseme.it saved automatically TYVM. I do feel that I was used and manipulated as well. That is really not ok. From January til March last year I went through some of the worst hell of my life. I do resent certain people as they had a direct involvement look I dont know their intentions or anybodys for that matter. I only know what I sense.....but I was in a position of getting in the company of some people who hold views and emotions that honestly I find repugnant. I cant shake, for what it's worth, this feeling of dirt......

Thursday, December 27, 2012

lost and re typed

this is tedious! i should be sleeping but I am not. It is too important.....so I wrote and the stuff was deleted grr! in my nightmare I am in the bathroom with HER and afraid she will see me even though she is right next to me terrified she will look me in the eye. sheer hair length luck she does not. i leave and go into a bedroom there is a man sitting on a chair I ask him to help me but dont know if he is alive or dead. i go to bed lie down and it is dark. there is a man's body next to mine. I am saying who is this I realize I am trying to wake I wake screaming......who is this who is this.....its still dark......i am trying to .....will myself awake. i wake finally in the dark. there is no one next to me.

storm and nightmare

im tired not up to writing but i am i feel my mind being stretched in two directions til its ready to snap. i have premonitions just feel somethings about to go down tho it has already. it's been an onslaught of bad and i mean bad or whatever you want to call it. i saw outside my window in jersey city lightning that lit the whole sky and shook the ground.the sky went from night to white. i saw visions of owls everywhere.....eyes googley eyes blankly staring.....so hey if you think this is all bunk crap baloney then so tis.i saw on facebook a beautiful painting of a beautiful woman with an owl. i was listening to a radio show where they talk about evil eye, and expressions in arabic, hebrew, yiddish for protection. jeanne darc used to say en nom dieu. whatever works, you know? or.......in egypt they had the widget. i mean, it says if youre lattractive youre especially susceptible. that song by the pussycat dolls "be careful what you wish for cuz you just might get it" i know its a time honored expression but its in my head.....ok i realize i sound crazy. but you know i was.....feeling at risk. thus why i am writing this down. i am not religious. i am not .......i .......just know.is all. is a ......something.....
sorry it is hard typing from a hand held android but im getting used to it.....just have to take a break.....i once read a writers quote that if he were locked in a cell hed write on the walls. i was reading up on henry miller and thomas hardy.....ey all these writers.....if theyd lived in the "e" age: of blogging, vlogging.....i can only speak for myself cuz i know myself: i just have a natural instinct to express my feelings god i cant help it. i ama loud mouth it gets me into trouble, always has.  but its how i am. i yell from the rooftops. its not necessarily good.
anyway, on what i had written last: by "fucked up" night i mean this: i forgot my money and metrocard on the way back to jersey from lower manhattan. the distance is just a few miles. but for that short way it cost sixty kisses. hardly kisses they were. just one of those things. i was so pissed. i was getting something out of the drawer and thats when the vase (vase, short a as in rhymes with place or pronounced vahhhs which i think personally sounds pretentious and weird. but you know i am from chicago.....)tipped over and water spilled tragically onto the cable box, which now doesnt work. i mean, it sucks but what can you do other than fix it? that same night, a friend of mine was injured. so i have to fix this.....too bad as i started watching tv.....i never watched it much before. bimbette of my nightmare bneing one to discourage me.....along with my dad who was highly intelligent (he watched shows like CNN and all the news and knew everything about everywhere! as an ex military man i suppose it makes sense. i personally find that stuff so grim i .....its hard for me to watch) digress again my ADD acting up, excuse me.  

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

storms and food and no hand lotion

I realize, coming back to jc, i forgot lotion and i am very picky about what i use. palmers cocoa butter and mom got this awesome stuff as a giftn.....cocoa butter-like......shoot dont know the name. the rain and wind are quite pretty actually. very gothic. or something. its a light . breezy cool not that horrific noreaster a month ago that was hideous . i had a basically nice xmas with a few very nice gifts i am thankful for.not good for the looks department i feel lumpy and ravaged.....! i got some yoga videos as a gift but the catch is the vcr isnt hooked up and i spilled water on the cable box when flowers tipped on the dresser next to the tv on a fucked up night so have to spend time twisting and tweaking the gadgetry behind the tv til it works and have as of late just been too lazy. sigh. something for tomorrow. but when it all comes together it will be worth it! i was going to do some work but to add to my ....well what the heck it's almost midnight and tomorrows another day! i fell asleep earlier and had a nghtmare....about someone who is fairly well known.....a female. and a male whom .....

Saturday, December 22, 2012

this is my rifle. there are many like it but this one is mine.

my rifle is my best friend. i must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me    
Thinking of this creed, which I just looked up, watching clips of Full Metal Jacket . Vincent D'Onofrio gave a wild performance in that! But I am thinking of this in light of the recent events. Why say what goes without saying? All those innocent people and children murdered.....("stained with the guiltless blood of innocents") ....I am enraged at reading about that.....I wont say all that was going through my head about lonney tunes (my interjected opinion) Nancy Lanza.....is any explanation necessary? itI have so much to say on this.....

mistype before "write" not "right"

maybe a slip. anyhow. boy am i getting bad!

Friday, December 21, 2012

storms that must be recorded

however one must right even if from a handheld. im getting better at this. please pardon the shoddy punctuation a definite f in AP Stylebook.....ironically i was helping grade papers last night.  i am worn but basically ok after quite a stormy, pun intended but also literally, morning which i vlogged (cq out lauraalta on youtube)  .....my head feels imploded like Boehners Plan B. it is so painful for me to read about that stuff.....really its like my skull is full of rocks. but otherwise good despite a few personal issues. this storm ties in with some things I have been involved in in my own time.......I am in my bleary eyed fatigue and after a rough and difficult morning quite pleasantly surprised at this. the wind feels tropical and I love tjat.....

Friday, December 14, 2012

blood.....swim out

from the Lady Gaga video Telephone:  "We gonna make you swim  out of here in your own blood!"

I have been watching bits of "Untold History of the United States" Oliver Stone's latest.......have to say after four decades in film he hasn't slowed down it appears. This is quite dizzying, I was shaken and very moved watching it at first. Of course, it's not very cheerful material. One serial killer, one horror film, one severed head....times that by, what, around fifty million? Indeed, enough blood was spilled in WWII to fill the Atlantic, seems, or the Pacific....not sure the exact math. But enough. US history is indeed saturated in that stuff.  Fort Greene Park in Brooklyn, where I used to live......check out the history of THAT place alone. Revolutionary War? Gruesome and filthy. Imagine.....that park is a giant crypt with 10,000 buried......that area, where the "rebels" were starved to death by the Brits (nice, my people), literally, how people lived with the smell of all those bodies plus everything else.....how did they live at all. I have more to watch of this....still......so more on it later.

askagangsta....Lady Gaga sick onstage

There are videos of this on youtube.....boy I have heard of kinky stuff but this blows them all away....who in their right mind would want to watch that? Poor girl whatever made her sick.......I have to admit.....I am so obsessed with the celebrity world. I wouldn't want to be that famous myself.....not even able to barf in private; but there's no privacy anyhow so, shurg.....

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Monday, December 10, 2012

forgive forget

some things are heinous but forgivable. others are not forgivable (deliberate cruelty).......Blanche said and true. in some instances friends did stuff that I was angry at, very, but forgave under circumstances. In other instances, its going to be hard if not impossible.....I am currently pissed at someones behaviour during the storm which was jerkish and just plain wrong given the circumstances.....I go back and forth with some people. power corrupts? honestly ten years have passed and I am still furious at some.....you know show some gratitude. peoples anger, ego and absence of any conscience or empathy.......I am throwing darts yeah because then yeah I felt I was.....used by these individuals. hence why I am I mean I am holding back from what I was formerly thinking but Im going to be civil and not say.     However, others have exhibited actions that make them a gem. to me. I feel the love and give.....I dont pretend to be an angel. I acted horribly today gee wonder where I learned that.....lol.....heinous but forgivable I hope. Sorry ( no emoticons. thanks to those who were helpful. The storm has made a wreck of transportation and with no reliable and fast trains the path.....which was closed without explanation......the buses a disorganized, unstructured disaster   ok Ill stop whining but for five nights in a row I was stuck late in the city I perform and work at night I must be able to take a train or easily get a car at 2am what have you. It was hard but not impossible before the storm Sandy hurricane. Now its a stress that is unbearable. so.....I am eager to start again. at some time soon I am moving back to bklyn and also do not want to .......am hoping (cross my fingers hope!) I will get the chance I anticipate to be in the warmth come winter.......love NYC but need to break from it.....for a short bit. Of course I cant really leave but need.......an out. A short one

last post

apologies if that last was somewhat inane I was typing from an android and it was really hard to edit. I realize whine fest should be wine fest.....grapes and goblins what have you.....

Saturday, December 08, 2012


i bought this stuff florida water.....on a suggestion. never had this before.......vichy for my face and b2b for my hair. this stuff (not florida water) is pricey but you know it had to be. also tekkai holding stuff for my hair. i needed this......it feels like freshly spun silk though the styling lotion is a little heavy writing this as a diversion from this stff before I wrote. Its hard looking back feelits definitely not my best. More like a whine fest and over the top......I mean that's not me. Plus.....I am watching all these makeup channels. Also.....for the hell of it I bought some markers.....

Thursday, December 06, 2012

photos and art

I despise Christmas music

and winter . I do not want to be here! I HATE the cold. And Christmas music. God someone please kill me.....this is why punk rock was invented......

back stranded and spooked and cold

because of the goddamn path trains not running....what jerks. I'm pissed. Three nights in a row I've been stuck til 5am. But one can turn on not good thing around.....I'm bleary eyed, squinty.......ripped apart, pulled apart, scared, really scared. Not like in fear for my physical safety. More like.......the dreams I've been having. As well as personal issues. But the dreams.....I haven't written on them. One was....I keep dreaming about the place my father lived in in Chicago. The high rise. In another life, another world. I lived there. I visited him during the summer as a teenager. After spending time in that BORING house in the hamptons.....sorry. But there was nothing for me there....at the time. I was fifteen, we lived right over 6th avenue and 4th street. Not a place to be for a teenager. How can you concentrate when everyone around you is having a fucking party, all the time? I didn't do well, in school. It wasn't good. I digress. Anyhow, I would visit Dad in Chicago and it's been so long........back then it was a pretty decent place to be. My friends there knew every hip place in town, where all the music and theater was happening, and we were right in those circles. The people in Ministry and Smashing Pumpkins as well as the Chicago theater actors, and formerly among my mother's friends the creme de la creme of the journalism and social world were all circling around me. Indirectly, but there you are. It's a small world there though.....so......
I am not in touch with any of these people any more. You know. It's hard. Chicago is a gorgeous city (with an ugly name) and has much going for it but there was something about New York which pulled me back. Something just wasn't right I couldn't put my finger on it.....I had to return to NYC.  That was how I felt......then. Actually it's how I still feel. 

So in this one dream I had.....about a month ago.....really bizarre. I'm in my dad's place, the high rise. He had moved there from this creepy basement apartment he'd had with a spiral staircase leading down to the basement of hell, it must have been....one which gives me nightmares. I used to see stuff there. He had a water bed. Truly scary this basement. The walls were exposed brick.....red, of course RED. I dreamt once I was sleeping on the couch...cause as a kid I'd get scared sometimes, go down the staircase from my room upstairs to sleep on this couch he had had by the bed.....I dreamt once I was sleeping there and Satan came out. I guess at the time Satan was the boogyman or what have you. I know there are those who view him different. But that's how I saw him then. Really this was like the sequence in Rosemary's Baby.....but anyway. So. He moved to a high rise overlooking the lake. Dad I mean. It was scenic, and dull. It overlooked a swimming pool that belonged to the building across from us. I'm not a fan of high rises. But I'd stand on the balcony summers and watch all the pool bathers. .......a TV and living room......where I'd watch movies all the time.......led out the door to this.  So .....in this dream I'm digressing again please chalk it up to sleep deprivation, being stranded, extreme pressure and......what I'm about to write about.......this guy, an actor......I won't say who it doesn't matter......he's auditioning actresses. Some women walk in....they are fairly well dressed up, like for an occasion. One of them goes out to the balcony and vomits. I think we're handed a script. I ask this woman sitting next to me, who is ....she seems Eastern European, what this is.....is it an audition. Before this....I am constantly dreaming of Lake Michigan....constantly. I am speed boating through the lake, through the park there....the water is warm, it's summer, then it's icy, then I pass cat o nines or something......then back to this apartment. I think.....just after Sandy.....I had another one that I was in this apartment......and Lake Michigan flew in in a tsunami......all the way up to where we were (22 flights up).....this could all be, according to Freud, a sexual sublimation. That must be it.