I had two in the past 24 hours. One early this am a friend of mine and his kid had company over a polite word guys violent arrogant (Ted?) A fight broke out one was hung upside down kid ran out I ran out back door kid was fine but.....outside somewhere. Just now.....dark moon hour of venus.....or rather moon waxing illuminated .1 percent some odd.....walking with a guy I kniw dark woods.....then I am alone, question ......outside a house......cat runs off and gets caught in a car wheel.....horrible.....
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Be it ever so humble, and this is......reminds me a little of woody Allen's room in Take the Money and Run.....ha! Caribbean Harlem is the new Ave A......already I witnessed frat boy assholes in this neighborhood.....drive a sports car drive up the rents build high rises kick out the families who've been here 30 years but hey what can I do about it? Anyway for now it is......people had stated the rooms were dirty and I assumed they were just whiny or something.....I had to clean the floor and windows......but still! A room to oneself is just that. I'm sixpence all the richer merci Dieu
Sunday, April 27, 2014
on another note......this was the subject of a CSI episode I watched called "Mail Order Lover." Sounds really bizarre in the abstract but this was super well done.
so. anyway. I mean if someone disagrees with me, fine. If I am WRONG about everything and it's proven: fine. I don't fault anyone for having a different opinion. I do, however, oppose to a person slamming and insulting someone they DON'T KNOW and who has never done anything to them personally simply because they are associated with an event or ......they are divulging an ugly truth or even.....I mean killing the messenger? Or causing so much hurt to someone unnecessarily that doesn't deserve it. That they know nothing about. Oh yes, and I object to someone making genuine efforts to harm, or worse, in any number of ways, someone they don't know or anyone really because of either a projected slight or mirage or basically someone who has NEVER done anything to them; because not only is that immoral, period, it is illegal. But it's done, all the time. This is damn serious. A lot of people are in danger.....sad that it's such a wrestling match to stop this but such it is. Still, thanks to the internet more information is out there and people are able to speak out about and document what they went through for others to read. Comfort in knowing at least you're not an isolated example. Well behaved women may not make history but they are rewarded for it. I mean, there.......are many layers to this.....
The original Blanche was more raunchy and in your face than what she was made into. She was depicted wearing red ...........I always thought that play was so dreary and depressing but there was the line about deliberate cruelty being unforgivable. Who irony of ironies was watching this but Ted but whether or not he got insight into his own behavior is anyone's guess. It went right over him. Such the beauty of humans, huh?
so: lists? personal issues and don't want to divulge too much partly for safety reasons. But due to my hard work things are clearing up.
I downloaded an app which makes to do lists and I suffered horrible anxiety with this and schedules that I admit is my achilles heel because a list suddenly becomes as long as the dictionary......SO much to do and have to do it RIGHT NOW......then it blows up in your face. But ......check something off yes I am relieved that bit is done even if what is there looks like a tornado hit it. But that's a start, right?
BUT. This person is now officially out of my life. James Woods once made a comment a little vulgar but it applies here. Don't know if I want to say it. It's......
Thursday, April 24, 2014
I have a lot to do and it's daunting: ........the.......I felt like I'd been run over. The fourth of July victory but at what price? Still breathing if broken and bloodied. And in pain. Grieving? The sniper is still out there....... what am I supposed to feel? Here I am every breath every movement is pain pain I'm thinking should I just die.....but I don't. .....I break out in song and dance cuz hey.....I'm still alive? I've been through hell I've been bloodied bad but here I still am.....
So in London yes by all means study abroad I'm not saying don't. My next goal is to study in South America. But you know people don't tell you about the danger. I think the day I was held hostage in London the American embassy in Kenya was bombed. But it's overwhelming to imagine: being no longer you with your life as you know it you're now someone or something with a label on them which has you think anyway little to do with you..... ok the Nairobi (a place I'd wanted to visit) bombing happened the week before I remember specifically because my incident happened on the 13th of August ......the British cop (and they are damn scary, one of the many cryptic films we'd seen had Tim Roth being brutally tortured in prison) saying, "The sum of thuh-teen pounds, Thursday, August thuh-teenth" and I don't think I even knew about it until the next day. Three years before the 9/11 attacks, anyway the world was introduced to, to quickly forget......al queada. After getting robbed, I was broke, terrified I would not be able to leave, scheduled to go to Scotland.....off I went. More films of that caliber......but in that area (kings cross)I had seen many men walking around who could be Rudy Guede truth is .....that incident could have happened where I was and probably the only reason it didn't was because the place I was staying in had very tight security who had been on high alert when my key was lost. And.....more later.....ah......August 13.....the day the Berlin Wall was constructed. The fall of the wall and my subsequent exile to Chicago but another time for that......
So anyone who ever visited a meditation bookstore or read their horoscope.in the local paper could be a witch. Or if you have never done any if the above no matter. Ironic.....Christianity has a long history of witchcraft, most of the accused witches had never associated with it, and, some one once said, the "real" witches walked between the raindrops because they knew how to protect themselves. Amanda Knox is not and never has been a witch and maybe the "femme fatale" is a myth that doesn't exist in reality actually a misogynist "woman as the source of all evil" superstition. I said before Ted was the devil with devil's eyes I think I should clarify..... because that.....makes me one to also .... ..this person Ted really DID cause me nearly unparalleled pain, loss and psychological trauma. He really DOES have bad intentions. He is .....someone who seeks out situations in which he has an edge over someone vulnerable is use them to his advantage and maliciously torment, abuse and degrade them because for that moment it gives him a sense of power. Need I state the obvious: that kind of behavior is vile, sick and cowardly and only the lowest of the low would do such a thing. That such individuals exist who would hurt an innocent being who has never done anything to them.....I'm not going to mince words I have nothing but contempt for someone like that. Make no mistake, Ted knew what he was doing. I will never forgive him.
Back to the Amanda haters and the same thing exists in other situations......it dumbfounds me to think this predatory and senseless mob mentality doesn't end and......the way something could appear on the surface.....that has ......it's not backed up by anything except a fantasy, really. Amanda never did anything to any of these people. She could have been any number of other
Women. She was and is just a regular person. The random out of the blue bad luck of this is hard to wrap your brain around. A girl was brutally killed for no reason (speaking of sacrifice.....Iphegenia? This was a bloody, sadistic slaughter) another was naive and in the wrong place at the wrong time. She did a yoga stretch bought panties and pecked her.boyfriend on the lips but even if she'd behaved like a nun it didn't matter as it was already decided. The.......... What am I supposed to say? I want to at least give a person a chance to speak a chance. But all I personally see are jabs, insults, threats.....generic pop psych generalizations you could slap on anybody......... Having been a forex student myself.....it's not easy. You're an immigrant, a foreigner, one of "them" and "they" being smug, greedy thieves......a spoiled smug prick, basically. Natives aren't always friendly they assume that you, being a tourist, have a lot of money, anyway you have more than they do. They're going about their lives and you're on vacation. You're no longer ;you" as you know your life. You are now "they." Add to that feeling perpetually disoriented and really like a hunted dog, all the time. I had tried to read Charles Dickens and had grown up with "Oliver" relentlessly grim and depressing "you've got to pick a pocket or two" but of course thus was a quaint, archaic depiction of London right and it was safe now, right? Wrong! This was no myth. People in my group had witnessed violence in the streets and a stabbing as well .....ironically I had been attempting to read David Copperfield when my bag was taken and with it my money and keys (I got hell for that from security now I see why) which led to the fiasco in a phone calling center where I was nearly kidnapped my father on the phone long distance) such things are pretty common place. I hadn't yet read the biography of John Lyndon "Johnny Rotten" and anyway, thus only happened in bad neighborhoods.
About Ted. Basically his face. Yesterday was difficult. I'm still here though.....that man; is a sick, sadistic, vile soulless beast : his eyes reveal his real self: beady, black and hate-filled. Getting involved with him is the worst thing I ever did. His one Achilles heel is his heart the one thing that will do him in in the end.....nothing but a void. A dishonor his is to his own people.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Had some furiously intense ones in the past 48 hours there are those moments when you just want to sleep and heaven knows I needed it. This am I dreamt I was in prison and the cop who put me there was demanding sexual favors, bringing me to a room with a swimming piol filled with gases "truth serum" I didn't want to go in.....but was forced to. I was slowly being asphyxiated maybe relevant to a conversation I had with someone about Hitler and surrounding controversial videos about him..... but hey I feel for anyone who is a victim of injustice. I have had my own experiences in a different way. A couple years ago this girl who was a Hunter student was killed by her boyfriend......horrific incident she was only around 20 years old. The neighbors heard screaming too but did anyone call 911? I have had to call the cops most recently on my ex roommate Ted, a madman who belongs in jail, he should have fun being someone's bitch since that's how he views women......and last week on an insane couple who were mistreating a child. One for law and order!
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Occupy your own space, to gain a measure of autonomy and determine your own life is often an ugly, uphill, dirty battle, fought to the death at times but a necessary one. Exploitation and oppression are the shadow of human history and there are those who will see you as a thing to commodify and own, if it benefits them .....up until a few years ago I had thought and been taught to believe there is some rationality in how people behave and to life and the world. My recent experiences negate all that and there is simply .......why would someone attack another who has done nothing to them? What.....they don't now or ever did a have a "right" to me or anyone but in their mind they think they do..... no understanding of why they do something.....only that I was very unfortunate to come under their radar and.....be forewarned! I'll never understand it pissed off as I am and having had to fight like hell.....you won't hear me singing this person's praises. If I am writing nasty stuff about someone I assure you it's because I have valid reason. But the fact that there is no logical sequence to this is what shakes me up the most.....Nothing good can come of association with some people and the most recent one could have killed me the only thing that saved me was........in all this turbulence I had some knowledge if limited experience in .....I was able to .....it was sheer will, really. And realizing that some things happen .....some people's behavior has .....has no rational basis whatsoever and there is simply no understanding of it. It's who they are, it's what they do and it doesn't make sense but it is intolerable. To struggle against it is to put yourself at risk but to accept it is impossible. When all stakes are down, that's when true friends show themselves and anyone who takes advantage if you or kicks you when you're vulnerable is not your friend.
There has been some back and forth about the meaning of Easter.....ya de ya it used to be a pagan holiday .....all I can say is that I myself felt the dark and the light.....got my things from Spuytin Duyvil and boy did I fuck up on that one. A waste of time and I take responsibility for not making a more concerted effort. In these situations you hope and expect to leave quietly but if the other person won't let go or move on..... I have gone from feeling angry sick sad terrified relieved.....and like I failed though I ......did and didn't. And the wrong ness of it all. Because not everyone out there is a nice person. Some are downright scum who never should have been born. I do not envy those who brought them into the world. I have experienced some great people and some horrible people both.....but in the end I have too much to give to capitulate and they have nothing to give.....they are the kind who merely take and take til you have nothing left. Do NOT ignore your gut feeling about a person and don't listen to the chorus of folks who will tell you they're wonderful people because that isn't true. It simply isn't.
Every year I go through this the descent into hell and rebirth and I have. So yes for that.....
Wednesday, April 09, 2014
Sunday, April 06, 2014
You go here, think you're removed from there but you're not. He was like a figure out of a Fred Astaire film, but even then I could sense something too perfect.....coming from a house of constant chaos.....amazingly they in a way resembled each other.......polar opposites yet both came to the same place for different reasons.....even the way he described sounded like out of a Sherlock Holmes story but this was not Sherlock.....crime solving not his cup of tea.....have to say this is fascinating.....
Friday, April 04, 2014
Sorry for my absence.......I went through some calamity with a person I made the mistake of renting a space from.....my stuff is there my diaries birth certificate candles clothes.....fault me but I just couldn't go back there. This person is in the wrong and I was forced to fight back.....I have known him a long time and oh! Listen to your instinct always! Plus I have lost clothes subsequently to get more. Right now I have a headache and am recovering from fever and chills. Oh, yes, this and trying to apply for health insurance.
On the up side......I am reading about back and forth Oscar Pistorius and Reeva Steenkamp and the Speck murders in Chicago. A close family friend had been at the crime scene and was naturally devastated......ha. Call it a barf fest.....but who wouldn't? It occurs to me maybe these crimes are political as well.