oh lovelies

Monday, January 30, 2006

the pic I want to use

I just realize has my boobs showing through my shirt. Not good, right? So I have to get this touched up a little.

more trouble

I don't want to turn this into a "woe is me" rant, and maybe some of you will tell me to snap out of it and stop the self pity, but I just came from the bank. Apparently, a check I wrote for $2.40 to Hunter bounced and now I'm being charged over $200 and they, HSBC, are more or less going to force me to pay this amount. Every explanation, argument I could make made no difference. I went to Hunter and explained the situation and they told me there's nothing on my record; I don't owe them anything. So maybe it's my cell phone company, Sprint, that's charging me though I said repeatedly I don't want automatic debit, and all my other bills I pay in person. There's no point in having a checking account; I might as well take the money and throw it in the street. That would be better spent. Motherfuckers. I hope I can straighten this out, but no matter, what it comes down to is I'm going to have to work far more than I have. I need a pool of money on reserve in case of another crisis. I was really stupid and naive about so many things and I've learned the hard way, and for once I feel ashamed, in a way. Not just this present problem, but about how I acted and felt in the past. I was so wrong, so ignorant about a lot of things. I really fucked up, but I also just didn't know. The thing is, though, it's not for lack of effort. I guess it's because I work hard, at times, that I'm not in the gutter, which I could have been. I know this is sounding whiny, so I should stop. But today so many things have just snowballed on me and I see now my own faults, clearer than ever. But why should my hard earned money go to unworthy people? Seriously. It's not the money. It's the principal of it. Really, some people have manipulated and .....it's just wrong. But it's likely nothing will be done about it, either. Not for now anyway.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

more pix



I was hit with this "what am I going to do" crisis. I know, I've always known I want to perform. But it's the day to day stuff that's so horrid, that I want to avoid. Then, my bank has been charging me for overdraft even though I haven't written any checks and specifically told my cell phone company and everyone else I don't want automatic debit. So tomorrow I have to deal with this.



Then there's work, auditioning, parties to go to, acting classes, on and on. When it comes down to it, there's no time.

Plus, I want to cook, bake.

So I'm trying to plan now and I am always coming up against this, conflict.

Friday, January 27, 2006

more pix

There's a line in Choses Secretes, it's something like, take my advice, don't fall in love, just pretend. Something like that.

Simone de Beauvoir was.....not very upbeat on the subject. That chapter, the Woman in Love, was my favorite in the book, but I keep thinking it's me she's writing about. Or most women I know?

headshots


So I finally got new pix taken and they're pretty decent, but it's hard looking at photos of yourself. If I figure out how I'll send some to the blog.

Everything is so weird right now and I really do want to have a normal life, in a way. I envy people with good relationships going.

OK I figured it out. so here they are. this chick, crazy as she was, took some good photos. Actually, she's kind of interesting, but she needs advice on cleaning her cat's litter box. Anyhow, the pix are good. here're a few:

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

today was a day of missed connections

I put an ad on craigs list for a headshot photog and got already about 15 responses. I prefer students, preferably pratt students cause I live near there. Other than that, work has been sucky. Fortunately I worked yesterday and made some cash but not today. Now I can't wait to have a glass of wine and go to bed, or read, undisturbed.

When you work for yourself there's no set schedule which is good and bad. I am someone who needs structure and I hate spending time unproductively. But I can't say I didn't make progress today, I did my part. Sometimes the reaps of your efforts don't come instantly.

showbiz

I choose this profession where gorgeous girls are a dime a dozen and there'll always be someone else who's fabulous. Just seeing the tabloids is depressing indeed. I can't help noticing them, they're everywhere. I'm trying to do "real" acting but it's so hard to find. Maybe producing my own stuff is the way to go.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

what happens at the end?

Does Scarlett O'Hara pull herself together and surmount another obstacle, go running into the mist, "crazed with the torture her gifts had put her to," and finally cave in, this last loss being finally too much? What happens after you win the world and lose your soul? Does she ever get Rhett back? Does she eventually turn into Blanche DuBois, the other tragic Southern Belle? Why couldn't she and Rhett live happily ever after? Vivien Leigh went through a similar relationship with Olivier, it, too, didn't last. Why? Two people who are meant to be should be finally happy, no? What went wrong?

Sunday, January 22, 2006

strange message

I can't go into here what I've been through in the past six months. I've been all over the place, but anyhow, I met someone a couple months ago who just emailed me. Strange how someone's in your thoughts then they contact you. that's been happening to me a lot recently. But even better, someone who has been gone for a while, several months now, is coming back! I have mixed feelings about it. I am happy they're back in my life, but a little nervous too. I mean, it's nice to have some freedom. But I still missed them, you know?

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

spending spree

Today was hardly productive and it's easy to be that way. I mean, I have a job and I don't. I'm trying to live like a decent citizen, but it's hard. I just can't get out of bed in the morning. Today I woke up scarily late. I went into Manhattan in torn jeans and a skanky thermal top and it hit me: I'm a mess, I need new clothes. So I spent about $70 on a skirt, top and wallet. So now I'm getting compliments on my skirt and I'm freaked out now cause I have hardly any $ left and need to work and I've been so damn lazy today. I even forgot my novel. I'm trying to be "professional." I thought the new outfit would help. But even then it's never enough.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Some pix !!!!!!!!!!!!


Here's me and the cats and some other stuff.........

Films


Go and see Choses Secretes (Secret Things, in English). It's an amazing film. Also, Sorority Boys. I LOVE am obsessed with this film. I love Barry Watson and Adam Rosenbaum. It's so accurate, too.

I had this dream that I was on a train ride, on the way to marry someone I'm in love with, but on this train.....I've had this dream before, it's elevated, we're in some boro outside Manhattan, like Chicago almost. And the train keeps stopping in these prison places, where people are being handcuffed. I end up in a room where that's happening, and these people are on their way to jail. Then I get back on the train.

I'm still reading Pride and Prejudice.

Monday, January 16, 2006

mission to pluto

so they're going to send a rocket to Pluto, a journey that will take nine years. Pretty staggering, huh? It'll be powered by Plutonium fuel, which is being protested. Apparently someone said a teaspoonful of Plutonium can kill millions, how true this is I don't know. Stuff like this does frighten me for a variety of reasons.

On another note, Pluto's moon is named Charon. Is that the same as Chiron? Cool name, anyhow.

a little better now

I was in a real funk a couple days ago. Just stress from work and ....oh just bullshit. So, my hood is kind of growing on me; it's kind of cool in a way. It's "arty" getting to be like Williamsburg, sort of, but more low key or something. These are mostly rich kids I think you have to be to go to Pratt. There's graffitti on the building across the street, but it's graffitti art. Thing is, it's further away from the train than even my old place and the streets are dark and empty at night, and I don't like that, and it was miserably fucking brick cold last night when I was walking home. The wind was like icicles or knives cutting my ears and hitting my cheeks, and being so big open and remote I felt like I was back in Chicago.

A week or so ago I had this really disturbing dream that I was in jail for shooting a girl and it was decided she had a right to shoot me without killing me. That's what the judge decided. So I'm sitting in my cell thinking, maybe should I just end it now so I don't suffer? Then I'm thinking, I didn't shoot her and hopefully this is a dream, then I woke up thank heaven, free.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

a little better

I took care of some of my immediate problems but I feel kind of sad, and guilty. And afraid. I worry about where my life is headed, and the future of this country as well. What will happen to women here, women's rights, with Bush and his pals running things?

Friday, January 13, 2006

the blues

The first draft I wrote of this was pretty scathing. I'm just really stressed out and upset, now. The place I moved into is .....the closest stop is Clinton Washington, and that's sketchy, and then it's a 15 minute walk, through dark streets with men lurking around. Oh. Ugh! In cities like Berlin and Cairo even it's safe 24 hours. And people there aren't rich. This neighborhood DOES have rich residents and it's still not safe. This is NYC, you know? But the building outside my window has graffitti all over it and there are these home boys hanging out there, and I heard this woman's voice saying, "you motherfucking cokeheads, I'm gonna smash this bottle on you. You think you high up living in a Jewish building!" I want to cry and scream, both. I was happy by Columbia. And the rent is THE SAME. One good thing, ok, there are a few. The bathroom is huge and there are two. I can take a nice bath and chill out with a movie and lots of wine, as soon as I make some money.


I had a particularly disturbing encounter with some guy wanting to fuck me in the ass. My opinion of these kinds of men, who want to fuck women in the ass, is very low. It's degrading, disgusting, and I don't want to get within 10 feet of them much less touch them. I really hate these men. It's degrading, unsafe and painful. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not far from rape, really. PLEASE men like that stay away from me!!!!!!!!!!!


Also, I complained how some people seem to get everything handed to them while I have to work my ass off for crumbs, and yeah, I'm pissed. I could have it worse, I know. Maybe I'm having a self pity party, but it's true. It's so hard to live here without money or connections. And people can be such bitches, too, so arrogant, like my former co-workers. These are little, like my former supervisor, brats whose parents bought their Ivy League education who have the nerve to condescend to me because I was a copy editor when they don't know grammar and CAN'T SPELL. It's like, if you're gonna go to Harvard or Brown, you should at least have above second grade reading and writing skills, especially if you work for a corporate newspaper, so shut up, you know? And besides, they had no right to pass judgment on me when they knew nothing about me, uh, yeah, I am speaking about my former supervisor, a guy, but some of the girls, too.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

leaving manhattan, where I was happy, basically

ugh! I lived up in Morningside Heights and LOVED it up there, but am now back in Brooklyn. It's fucked. It could be worse, yes, but there's no quick and easy way to get from where I am to Manhattan. It's near the G train, the C, but the stop is sucky and not safe at night. My neighborhood, near Pratt, is safe, that isn't the point. I place a high stake in being able to come home late at night and not feel threatened. Now that I was in Manhattan it's giving me back the old snobbery, and and I can feel annoyed that I'm no longer there. I did grow up in Manhattan, downtown, so I had that advantage. I'm awful, really. Even my mother thinks I'm going to get murdered living in Brooklyn. G even has his biases, like he won't live in Queens or New Jersey. No one in the world are worse social snobs than New Yorkers. So now I'm officially moving down in the world.

I'm trying to stay upbeat. I mean, commuting's a pain in the ass, but once on the train it's a 10 minute ride into the city, and it's safe and pretty and "cool." And, I'm on my own, for now anyway, and free for the first time in months.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Cheerleaders in TONY

We're in Time Out, and a pretty decent photo, except I look kind of schizo in my smile. It is because I was in pain, really, from holding her up. But otherwise, it's good. I'm just a little annoyed because the guy was supposed to interview me, and called, but at a bad time, then I never heard from him again. Maybe I should have called him or something, but anyhow, the others sort of spoke for me. But why always this emphasis on football games, like can't cheerleading exist apart from that?

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

reading

today I fell asleep for about four hours, midday. Just....plunk! I was out. Now it's almost 10pm and I'm coming awake. I'm naturally a night person.


So lately I've been reading a bunch of women writers: Simone de Beauvoir, Jane Austen, Virginia Woolf a little.......


I really want to read Bridget Jones' Diary, too. I'm reading Pride and Prejudice now which reads so much like my own life, and my mother a little (ironically, cause she's the one who gave it to me, but I hope she isn't reading this)....anyhow. So who is Darcy, my Darcy? Really, Austen is a genius, and this is an amazing book. Next ....there are so many so many books I want to read. Here's a partial list:

Sartre's No Exit
Woolf: Mrs Dalloway, The Hours
Flaubert Madame Bovary
Margaret Atwood Alias Grace
Capote In Cold Blood (Mother gave that to me for Christmas, but it just looks so depressing)
Kierkegaard??
Briget Jones' Diary

And write a 20th Century remake of Gone With the Wind, set in NYC in the 1970s

I tried to read Thus Spoke Zurathustra and actually finished it, but I don't remember any of it.

Monday, January 09, 2006

I need a laptop and where's my digi camera?

I just watched sorority boys and now mean girls. Last night I watched Anatomy of Hell. Everyone in the world should see that movie. In mean girls I'm watching the halloween slut party.......and the rumor that the girl saved a guy's kleenex to do voodoo on .......



why didn't I think of that? Used kleenex and slut outfits. Does it work? ????????





I have a lot more to do now as I have to start working soon, very soon, as I'm down to my last five bucks after paying the rent.

Monday, January 02, 2006

new year

It's true I wrote some drafts which I've hid, now. I was .......it's true I get very moody. Sometimes I just can't be around people. I can't stand to have anyone come near me. But it passes. Some of the things I wrote were extremely angry and they'll have their day. My thoughts about my former co-workers, whom (not all but some) I saw as ungrateful bitches and bastards, but ok, I want to stay positive here. But life is not all positive. I myself was not nice at times. Some people did get on my nerves and I did snap at them a few times. But that's nothing compared to what I got from others. The worst ones are the "professionals" on the lower level, mostly female, some male (well, one). There was a woman in the art department who was......I'm finally coming out with this story.....let's just say she made Leona Helmsley look like Mother Theresa. She was the boss of my friend and co-worker. She was truly a nightmare, as was my own male immediate supervisor. Sometimes certain people come into your life who are just purely dangerous and malevolent and there's no hope of changing them, you know? But it was also the office. It was the daily monotony of being stuck in that cubicle day after day doing work that wasn't satisfying, really, on any deeper level, and just.......it brought out people's worst. That's part of it. What can you do? You have to earn a living somehow. G makes money without working in an office 9 to 5 but it's still work, it's still hard. Somehow, for now, I managed to escape the office. But I'll have to make a name for myself soon enough, and I need a career, a life that I can be proud of. I need to be proud of myself. Everything I've accomplished has been though my own blood and sweat. I really don't regret anything at this point.....except the things I didn't know or do.

So that whole experience, only one among a few, left me hurt, angry and, really, vengeful. But being that way......I realized I'm not solving anything by being negative, creating more ugliness. I'm trying to be graceful and forgiving. Maybe that sounds cheesy but anyway.....


So I'm thinking of all the things I need to do that I'm flaking off about......so much, every day. Even today I ran around from morning to night doing chores: photos for passport, then a job, then looking up stuff and answering emails, then the laundry, pay the cell phone, lug a bag of clothes to brooklyn and more blankets and clothes up the stairs, clean the cat box, take the dog out, bake the other pie, and then it's 11PM. Today, though, I ran in the rain. At first it was hard but I got to a place that wasn't crowded and after a while it was bizarre, but peaceful. I love fog anyway.

I'm staying in Morningside Heights and it's so gorgeous there. I love it! It's like Paris. Right now I'm at G's though cause I had too many things to do here.


So.....I wrote earlier that I don't want to diet and was defiant "riot don't diet." Well I guess I have to stuff my big mouth.....my passport photos are scary. I'm chubby. I'm a giant. So it's back to skim milk and lowfat everything. Plus, lots of walking.


New Years, what I want to accomplish:

better organization

schedule everyday: stretching, chores, write, email and contacts, headshots, rehearsal space, rehearse, see more plays and poetry readings, travel of course, meet the people I obsess over, give money to animal shelters....Joe Strummer said something about your money being your vote.....so my money will go to the most run-down, endangered shelter in the city......and to the alley cats, the vets. And perform! Go back to Europe. Go to LA. 2005 is cold in the ground and let it remain there.