new year

It's true I wrote some drafts which I've hid, now. I was .......it's true I get very moody. Sometimes I just can't be around people. I can't stand to have anyone come near me. But it passes. Some of the things I wrote were extremely angry and they'll have their day. My thoughts about my former co-workers, whom (not all but some) I saw as ungrateful bitches and bastards, but ok, I want to stay positive here. But life is not all positive. I myself was not nice at times. Some people did get on my nerves and I did snap at them a few times. But that's nothing compared to what I got from others. The worst ones are the "professionals" on the lower level, mostly female, some male (well, one). There was a woman in the art department who was......I'm finally coming out with this story.....let's just say she made Leona Helmsley look like Mother Theresa. She was the boss of my friend and co-worker. She was truly a nightmare, as was my own male immediate supervisor. Sometimes certain people come into your life who are just purely dangerous and malevolent and there's no hope of changing them, you know? But it was also the office. It was the daily monotony of being stuck in that cubicle day after day doing work that wasn't satisfying, really, on any deeper level, and just.......it brought out people's worst. That's part of it. What can you do? You have to earn a living somehow. G makes money without working in an office 9 to 5 but it's still work, it's still hard. Somehow, for now, I managed to escape the office. But I'll have to make a name for myself soon enough, and I need a career, a life that I can be proud of. I need to be proud of myself. Everything I've accomplished has been though my own blood and sweat. I really don't regret anything at this point.....except the things I didn't know or do.

So that whole experience, only one among a few, left me hurt, angry and, really, vengeful. But being that way......I realized I'm not solving anything by being negative, creating more ugliness. I'm trying to be graceful and forgiving. Maybe that sounds cheesy but anyway.....


So I'm thinking of all the things I need to do that I'm flaking off about......so much, every day. Even today I ran around from morning to night doing chores: photos for passport, then a job, then looking up stuff and answering emails, then the laundry, pay the cell phone, lug a bag of clothes to brooklyn and more blankets and clothes up the stairs, clean the cat box, take the dog out, bake the other pie, and then it's 11PM. Today, though, I ran in the rain. At first it was hard but I got to a place that wasn't crowded and after a while it was bizarre, but peaceful. I love fog anyway.

I'm staying in Morningside Heights and it's so gorgeous there. I love it! It's like Paris. Right now I'm at G's though cause I had too many things to do here.


So.....I wrote earlier that I don't want to diet and was defiant "riot don't diet." Well I guess I have to stuff my big mouth.....my passport photos are scary. I'm chubby. I'm a giant. So it's back to skim milk and lowfat everything. Plus, lots of walking.


New Years, what I want to accomplish:

better organization

schedule everyday: stretching, chores, write, email and contacts, headshots, rehearsal space, rehearse, see more plays and poetry readings, travel of course, meet the people I obsess over, give money to animal shelters....Joe Strummer said something about your money being your vote.....so my money will go to the most run-down, endangered shelter in the city......and to the alley cats, the vets. And perform! Go back to Europe. Go to LA. 2005 is cold in the ground and let it remain there.