If you get a weird message from me or this account ignore it. I got hacked using a public internet at the library. Live and learn. Yesterday was equinox usually a dark time for me. Nice and quiet and peaceful now.....let's keep it that way
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Unbelievable that in this day and age in what is supposed to be a democracy we had to go through these leaps and hurdles, not to mention risking our lives. For something simple and proven safe. This pill is available over the counter in most other countries. Nothing more than harassment and intimidation from the fda. I remember being fifteen and in a panic.....at least they give the pill out at the local clinics here.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Just saw a show on this. When I did study abroad in London we were at the Dimwiddy (saw "dimwitted" on spell check ha!) House, yes it was really called that.....right near that same station. That was not a good neighbor hood I was robbed there and harassed incessantly.....not to mention held captive at a phone station.....over a charge dispute. When I think of Amanda Knox I know I am on the subject yet again but .....I know every incident of injustice is equally grave and there countless examples every day. But in my life and as myself I naturally understand things similar to what I know and have lived. Recently walking home I was thinking......I think all the time: I studied abroad and it's a wonderful thing that I would never take back.....hard as it was sometimes. But you are not walking into a perfect or utopic world. Crime and violence is rampant in London and I was not prepared for that even growing up in NYC and Chicago (I was recently remembering a story my father told me about chasing someone out of his apartment in Chicago.....he did have guns) .....but I thought.....I think all the time how that could have been me who was attacked or any of us. I could have been in Amanda's shoes.....living in that house in Jersey City even though I never had any bad incidents there but still there's no guarantee. I cant for the life of me understand why people don't lock their doors; in one of the Jodi Arias interrogation videos she talked anout Travis following the law of attraction not locking his doors because that sent message to the world that you don't trust people and you are locking out good things. Detective Esteban told her due to the nature of his work he locks his doors. Yet everyone carries a gun. It's crazy! And.....people.....another time for this.....
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
OK I'm adding a little to this:
A part of me can empathize with what these girls went through.
Billy Idol's ex was a friend of some friends of mine. Her name was Spike, and she did have real talent. A few years ago, not sure......or? recently she was run over. She showed up at my friend's door that night.....rang the buzzer.....then......
Watching a documentary on them that a friend gave me.....reminds me a little of the radical cheerleader days. Also what I read of the British Suffragists: "You have to make more noise than anybody else you have to fill the papers more than anybody else.....if you want to get your reform realized." Emmaline Pankhurst. I watch this with a grain of salt as I.am not over there (but what is this: a country so allegedly poor but even in Communist days the women were dressed like they stepped out of Vogue and punk rock and everything.....black market, in America it was called "bootlegging" .....and now their trains look spotless, comfortable and pretty.....but? What do I know.....) I am ignorant as to what Putin has done.....and.....but to stage a protest performance like this I know is a lot of work.....but somewhere too this was being documented as well.....their families interviewed. In the Bush days there were massive protests in every American city ironically his presidency was the catalyst for so much great music art film.....not to mention the loss of our privacy and freedom (that did NOT start with Obama) and mine in a devastating way. This kind of public insurgency isn't new either.....for so long I have avoided writing about this and stayed away from occupy wall street because I felt I would express my .....? I found other methods of it. And did not want to get arrested, thank you. I have known of people in and out of jail (cat and mouse, Pankhurst said.....anyway. It is very disturbing to think about. I watched a youtube clipped of a Ukrainian protester being.....or having been tortured.....Awful stuff.....
Anyway. I was raised in a secular non religious environment in Chicago and New York with divorced parents and went to "nice liberal" Episcopal churches Diana Vera wrote about with female ministers and gay married couples...) so I personally never felt any kind of.....moral fear that I suppose a lot of people are raised with..... though I was told a lot of brain damaging psychobabble by faux New Age gurus but that's another story. Personally although I don't believe what Pussy Riot did in the cathedral was terribly tasteful (screaming the lord is shit) but I can understand why they did it.....why they are angry. These women.girls have.....how do I say it? I can feel deeply for anyone who puts them self on the line and out of a comfort spot to raise an issue and speak out against a wrong or for what they feel is urgently necessary and impossible to ignore. . I know too well the lies and denial young women are fed day after day even by other women.....and make no mistake they ARE lies.....suck it up, be grateful, shut your mouth.....and things I have been told others were raised with that are so preposterous it's hard to believe but I heard it from more than one source.....
" Last night a little dancer came dancin' to my door
Last night a little angel Came pumpin cross my floor
She said "Come on baby I got a licence for love
And if it expires pray help from above"
I'd sell my soul for you babe
For money to burn with you
I'd give you all, and have none, babe
Just, just, justa, justa to have you here by me
Rebel Yell/Billy Idol
I watched a documentary on them. After everything I have gone through in the past week, learning pole dance all over after being injured, running up and down hills, being (I shouldn't but I do......as I don't do drugs (anymore) this the stuff I don't tell folks about don't smoke weed or cigarettes though as of now there's nothing to tell ) I got this as a way
Saturday, March 08, 2014
About a year ago my cousin Thomas visited from Michigan.....he and my sister are close. He talked about .....we talked on this subject as he is an avid reader of German philosophy which is not really my thing but I did read, from the library many years ago in Chicago Thus Spoke Zurathustra (Also Sprach Zurathustra) realizing at the end I had no idea what I'd just read. It must have sunk in subconsciously..........
What I am facing I mean: the futures Worth the sacrifice and the pain but I did feel it acutely. But not understanding wish I could understand why. The times I felt that abyss over the past year among them in Jersey City with my phone out the TV out I was alone in that fucked up house and feeling almost like in a mausoleum. Suddenly .....I was in a dark tunnel and the light was Sara Ivanhoe and her yoga tape so thank you. A few friends helped at times and thank you. What I did make was genius but that too takes a village. I did my part. This now though .....I have to face this and.....this is completely new. It's so painful at times. It's all great. It's all a relief. It's so right. It's a lot of work. A huge burden but what can I do?
Friday, March 07, 2014
I downloaded this app Unsub Criminal Minds quotes. One of them is Nietzsche: "When you look into the abyss, the abyss looks into you." A few times in my life I felt like I was standing in that threshold. The more you want it the more you resist and stepping out of your comfort zone ya de ya. In the past year I felt that so acutely.....Hurricane Sandy was a disaster that fucked so many people not in a good way. And you can tell a person's true character by the way they act in times like this but I'm not going to go into that yet. The loss was catastrophic but I personally survived if only by my wits and will and the help of spirit or "it" but this what I have is a testament to my own fighting spirit. I know it's self congratulatory and I'm not trying to be that way.....but I can say somehow I did not buckle under. Because why should I? Those who tried to hurt me they are the liars and at the end of the day they have to look in the mirror every night and I don't envy that.
So. I went through hell at times. It was undeserved. No one deserves that. But here I am.
But something I knew I had to do.....no one ever, ever tells you to do the things that really matter to you beyond the mundane of brushing your teeth and such.I knew I had to and was thoroughly unprepared and ......had never had to deal with anything like this. I have many talents but this is not one if them but me not a rocket scientist had to build a rocket ship. Regardless.
I just don't know how to explain it. I know I'm whining. There are those who have it worse. But this was my dilemma. I know it was "in my head" but .....they .....what I meant was this: that was one instance. It brought many things to light. But most recently in a different way. All that from before came to this: what is in ones head is fermented by what is in the world around. One gives oneself away in their behavior actions trying too hard to cover up protesting, knee jerking at appropriate moments. Too much outrage speaks for itself.
Point being I know too well that it's up to me. Oh.....I read Amanda Knox's autobiography and she is brilliant, awesome young woman.....she said something along the lines of.....I thought I had to wait for the appropriate time to say something but some things need to be said no matter what.
That's where I am standing now. It feels like it is unchartered territory. It is terribly hard work. In Jersey City I used to joke Wegman Pkwy is the new Bushwick.....bringing the water to Ocean Ave and the .....crowd there.....waiting for loose cigarettes candy what have you.....the store opening at 6am mumbling among themselves like a warped Greek chorus.....not wanting to get out of bed as it was winter.....but I did.....how can i describe the sight? Sounds corny: vivid and gorgeous.....