oh lovelies

Friday, March 07, 2014


I downloaded this app Unsub Criminal Minds quotes. One of them is Nietzsche: "When you look into the abyss, the abyss looks into you." A few times in my life I felt like I was standing in that threshold. The more you want it the more you resist and stepping out of your comfort zone ya de ya. In the past year I felt that so acutely.....Hurricane Sandy was a disaster that fucked so many people not in a good way. And you can tell a person's true character by the way they act in times like this but I'm not going to go into that yet. The loss was catastrophic but I personally survived if only by my wits and will and the help of spirit or "it"  but this what I have is a testament to my own fighting spirit. I know it's self congratulatory and I'm not trying to be  that way.....but I can say somehow I did not buckle under. Because why should I? Those who tried to hurt me they are the liars and at the end of the day they have to look in the mirror every night and I don't envy that.
So. I went through hell at times. It was undeserved. No one deserves that. But here I am.
But something I knew I had to do.....no one ever, ever tells you to do the things that really matter to you beyond the mundane of brushing your teeth and such.I knew I had to and was thoroughly unprepared and ......had never had to deal with anything like this. I have many talents but this is not one if them but me not a rocket scientist had to build a rocket ship. Regardless.
I just don't know how to explain it. I know I'm whining. There are those who have it worse. But this was my dilemma. I know it was "in my head" but .....they .....what I meant was this: that was one instance. It brought many things to light. But most recently in a different way. All that from before came to this: what is in ones head is fermented by what is in the world around. One gives oneself away in their behavior actions trying too hard to cover up protesting, knee jerking at appropriate moments. Too much outrage speaks for itself.
Point being I know too well that it's up to me. Oh.....I read Amanda Knox's  autobiography and she is brilliant, awesome young woman.....she said something along the lines of.....I thought I had to wait for the appropriate time to say something but some things need to be said no matter what.
That's where I am standing now. It feels like it is unchartered territory. It is terribly hard work. In Jersey City I used to joke Wegman Pkwy is the new Bushwick.....bringing the water to  Ocean Ave and the .....crowd there.....waiting for loose cigarettes candy what have you.....the store opening at 6am mumbling among themselves like a warped Greek chorus.....not wanting to get out of bed as it was winter.....but I did.....how can i describe the sight? Sounds corny: vivid and gorgeous.....

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