oh lovelies

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

from now on....

my time will be really limited. I'll have to start working asap. I may have to sublet my apartment and I really hate that. But if I can, for a month or two, then I can get up to date with money (well, it'll make a difference of a couple grand) but at least that's money I can use for whatever in the future. I still don't know where I'm going to go or what I'm going to do. The options are many and not enough. London, Berlin, Egypt, SE Asia, NYC, LA and what will I work at or should I get a roommate and on and on.....

intuition, rationality, work, fate

always there is conflict in my life between all these things. Like if certain people are in my destiny and I knew them in past lives......and I'm not sure if I believe in reincarnation. But if it's true, then we knew eachother during the hundred years' war......the thing about playing a historical character is you have to make people care, make them think they're living what the character is living. There has to be a parallel. Because otherwise you look at the hundred years' war and think, I didn't know these people and it was across the ocean and it was several hundred years ago, ect. ect. And you can wonder was Jeanne D'arc just another holy roller, like neurotic? Or are these holy rollers neurotic or, could it be they are possessed by something? Like if you delve into certain pursuits you're not ready for, you could encounter something you can't handle......
But another part of me says, people are free agents, and they're going to do what they're going to do. I can't control them. I want x guy to like me, only me, ect. but I can't make him do it. I have to give a person that freedom. Maybe they'll find someone else. Maybe things will work out, maybe not. I can't control that. I can only control myself. So x person is a free agent and there's also....watch out for what you wish for. I would get obsessed with a guy and think, I have to have person x in my life or I'll die.....I'm that type of person. Whether or not I got him....I eventually moved on and found other people. But at the time, it's hard to be consoled. All these women I know who aren't fulfilled in their love lives, and they're gorgeous.....I wish I could say something to them to stop what they're feeling. I can say, you'll forget him in a few years. But who knows? All I know is, I wish things would happen a certain way, and that x person will do so and so.....but they're going to do what they're going to do. Maybe they'll find someone else or maybe they'll want me or maybe.......who knows? You don't know at the time if it's right or not. I can only control myself. So here I am it's almost 3AM and I have such insomnia.......after spending time in clubs it's getting to me. I have that conflict between responsibility and desire. I'm jealous of people who are leaving work to travel when I'm at the opposite end. But even when I do go away I know that at some point I'll have to come back and set up my career. I know I'll have to do many things regardless. But also, when I left my job I thought my problems were solved. And these women think theirs will be by leaving. I don't blame them for wanting out. But I realized that much of it wasn't the job, it was me. And when suddenly I had freedom I wasn't happy, because other things happened, and I realized I'm afraid, really afraid, and I'm not really a content or even happy person. I'm just not, and I had to take on other problems and feel intense fear and loneliness. There are many things which I could have had but try though I may I wasn't much better off, and I can see that it wasn't the job, it was me, in part. YEs, the job was part of it. But it was also I who was fighting with others and myself. Now.....that's over and I have to go back again, and I don't have the freedoms I thought I would. It's far from over, still. So....back to the "love" topic, I think from all these gothic romances I read I got this idea of love, domination, violence, pain, pleasure.....all mixed together, to something really intense. Something like that can lead to great sex and probably a really true and deep connection, like those fated ones I spoke of before. I've heard of relationships like this. I know I'd have to draw the line if I'm being hurt too much even if I'm "in love" or if sex is great, if it's at the point where I'm suffering, in pain, humiliated, then at least, at least, for all the flaws in my upbringing, I was taught I don't have to tolerate that. Many women never learn about that line, and these are intelligent, attractive women who have lives and careers and are great. And I can say at least I know I don't have to be in pain. But......there's this other side that's in all these extremes.....and it is a sign of something. It is something that's not easy to leave, or forget. But what can you do with it?
So......some amount of work, drudge work, hard work, is necessary no matter what. YOu have to do boring things, or else fall into a hole. I have to find a job, send out pix, rehearse monologues, finish papers, ect. ect. and I don't FEEL like doing any of it. That's where free will comes in. But......is there fate? Are certain people in one's destiny? Some people I can say there was something fated about our encounter, but it's not as simple as that as we can all make choices what to do with a given set of circumstances. Yep, these things are on my mind as I'm walking around the city......

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

dream

I have this dream over and over: I'm on one of the yellow trains, like the Q, and I come to a stop, way out in Brooklyn and far from where I live, at a place where people switch trains. A bunch of people are getting off and the other train is below us, but I'm thinking it's too far and there isn't time to switch to the other one.

Then, something from the film JFK, like the Jim Garrison character is talking to someone who is supposed to go public with the story but the guy is declining, and JG is saying something like, but why are you going back on your word, you agreed to tell the world this, something like that. THe other guy is saying he doesn't feel like he should. They're both in suits, and they're climbing some kind of wall, like with big rocks like there were in Gorlitzer Park in Berlin.

Monday, March 28, 2005

marriage?????

I'm beginning to think I don't believe in marriage, or even relationships. I think I am not meant to be with only one person for the rest of my life. Or at least, I have yet to find someone who has kept me happy enough to want to stay with him. Most men (and some women I suppose) have tried to dominate me, or I felt guilty if I cheated on them. But I can't feel guilty anymore. I've decided that fidelity, affection, all these things need to be earned. We're all entitled, but just that isn't enough. I wasn't faithful in the past but there were reasons behind it, and I don't know other people's reasons, only mine. I wasn't faithful because I wasn't getting all my needs fulfilled, not just sexually but emotionally, psychologically, these people weren't there for me. I can't, on the other hand, expect another person to complete me because no one will fulfill me for me. I have to earn my own wholeness, as does everyone. But someone I'm with has their own duties that they have to live up to, and I have expectations, not altogether unreasonable, I think, and if they're not meeting them then eventually other people will start to look attractive. The men I've been with always expected me to be faithful and got jealous when I wasn't. However, I was being pushed away at the same time. THey weren't listening to me but rather.....well almost trying to control me. I hope not all men are that way. I realize it always had to be their way and they had to be right. It got worse than that but that was the beginning.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

went out last night, rather this morning

judge jules was at Avalon and sven vath was supposed to go on but????????? I never saw him. I have literally no voice now as I went out with a cold and sore throat, taking benedryl, which put me in a weird state like numb. It was a great night regardless as my younger sister went with me and my friend. I stayed til around 5:30 but I don't know what happened to sven.....really bizarre. Then there were all these guys trying to get laid who would grab my friends and me. THis one was literally clinging to my sister and she was desperately trying to get rid of him. I don't know if they're looking for hookers or just think that a girl in a club is going to drop everything and start screwing him after knowing him for 12 seconds. THis one guy was all over me and I finally told him I'm engaged. I pointed to the DJ and said that's my fiance right there and he said, well, if we go to this part of the room he won't see us. There's still a part of me that does want to be attractive and attract men but not like this. ANyone who is going to try to fuck someone after knowing them for less than a minute is seriously screwed up.....maybe there are exceptions, but mostly we're talking about issues here. This other guy was clinging to me when my friend found me, and I said, tell him I'm engaged, but I heard her telling him I'm gay.......she heard me wrong. Next time I go out I think I'll wear a skimpier outfit as my sister and friend were in minis and tank tops but......I like the idea that I can just be in my bra if I want to...there's something really freeing about that. But the other side of that is guys who think I, or any woman dressed that way, is loose and easy. I'd be lying if I said I haven't done crazy things or fooled around with guys without formal courtship. Well.....gulp, yeah I've done that. I'm not particularly proud of it but I'm not ashamed, either.

I know I have many wants: to perform, to play certain roles, to be in more films...and I miss deeply performing, but I have to live as well and earn money, really don't have a choice.....but I also want to see the world and I'm obsessed....so if I work a regular job I won't have the freedom to do these things but my only other option is forsaking security and having freedom and flexibilty or taking a low status job that will free me up....blah blah blah.....and I've been told follow your bliss and it'll all work out which is true somewhat but not that simple yet if I only follow necessity it will eat me alive. It's threatening to already.....and it should have been so different and so much better.....this was nowhere near enough....a start, yes, but not even close to being what I need. I want to just go everywhere but I don't want to lose my apartment here or cats and it seems....well I need security. I honestly don't know how to do both, but I have to. It can't be one or another, intuition vs. rationality......I always followed intuition.....but you need the other thing, too, or else it will be chaos. I always feel during the day I have to be "doing something" I guess that's left over from my upbringing....I should be working, I have to make a living, and I do....and get my head out of the clouds, but there's the other side of me that wants to be a free spirit and just, well, all over the place. There's a way to do this, I know. I just don't know which step to take next. YOu hear about how back in the days men's wives would work to support them while the men found themselves and developed their careers. I need someone to work and support me while I find myself.....but that's the catch. Who'll do it? I need someone, a guy, to live with me as a boyfriend or whatever and help with the cleaning and garden and maintenance not to mention the rent. My place won't work for roommates. Yeah, you......are you listening? You want to live in NYC that bad, so move in with me. You, me and West and Punzy.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

interview, good friday

actually a pagan tradition of vernal equinox, the day of darkness and then spring and light or something re-emerging into spring, and the Easter Bunny is the goddess of fertility, something like that.
It was carried over to Christianity and was changed to represent Jesus being crucified and buried then rising from the grave. Easter has traditionally not been a happy time in my family; it is associated with many deaths....spring. there is much that I can't control, so I have to think of what I can do. I have made a lot of choices which I'm not sure now if they were the right ones. Others are influenced by what I've done which makes me feel responsible for them as well. I make right and wrong decisions, I'm human. I can't guarantee anything to anyone. So the world is what it is and people are what they are and I can't change that, but I can make decisions for myself. I'm moving on in life and things are changing, big time. I can't go back to my old life, but where am I going?

I was thinking about all the learning that I've gone through and the education I got....but how? Just a lot of research and reading. Learning music theory, classical music, physics, numberology, astronomy, astrology all in college. Discovering ancient Egypt, becoming obsessed, determined to visit some day. The politics, the power struggles. Latin, the lyrics to Mozart's Requiem Mass when I have never spoken a word of Latin in my life. Lux perpetua, only now do I know what that is. Radical feminism, the pro-woman line, challenging sexism in the media, discovering that the majority of what I read is bullshit, that I know nothing about anyone, that I don't know why things happen and that there's far more to it than I had ever thought. THat I don't know anyone's intentions, and they don't know mine.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

rain rain

freezing, snow, rain, another interview. Bulb in my kitchen burned out. Cleaned my mother's kitchen. Bought a compass. Went to my place (I'm subbing for 1 more day) checked my email my two kitties were there Punzy jumped at me and so did West. Met G at Curry in a hurry and we ate.

Dreamt last night I was in church, though part of a ceremony. I dream about church all the time! I was holding candles but they kept blowing out so I had to keep relighting them.

The other night, in Mother's haunted apt, I was asleep, and I thought I heard the entrance door open and then shut, and someone come in. I read Henry VI part I last night and yeah, I'm obsessed with Jeanne D'arc. I love Shakespeare's character and she is controversial but she just has something....I identify with her. I do have feelings of revenge, and fantasies. But I practice yoga and my own form of intuition, whatever you want to call it, and I realize I need to let stuff go and it's not worth having grudges against people even if you have valid reasons to. It's better to rid yourself of your negativity although every hour stuff comes at you but I'm learning to get rid of what's not necessary; feng shui says the same. YOu'd be amazed at what you don't need!
But this one girl who I was around recently was rubbing me the wrong way. It's not that I dislike her personally, but I sensed just that "something" not right. Actually it's a few people I've been around recently. I feel like there's something going on that is wrong but they're not talking about it. Regardless, I can sense it. If I'm around something or someone negative I feel it, really do. It makes my hair stand on end. If someone else is angry or upset it rubs off on others. I can sense other people's junk really well, particularly women's. We all need our space and I need mine and sometimes I just don't want anyone near me. But some way somehow you have to express what is going on, because that's the only way anything will get solved. And right now I'm under loads of pressure. But there's that side of me that "really" wants to go somewhere and perform and I can't ignore that, either. I'm waiting for the "solution" but don't know where it is.

I've been reading posts by people on this site bootsnall who just up and leave to live somewhere else on earth. I admire a person's ability to do that, but I really need to have "a plan." I suppose I could go back to Egypt and work there or Berlin but I don't want to be scraping by on no money and I just need something....I don't know. I envy those people I really do. Maybe that is what I'm doing wrong. I'm trying to do the right thing here; well not much choice.....but I don't want to give up what I have. I don't see the point of working for years to save up money to go somewhere for a few months to a year only to come back and start all over, but in other parts of the world it's different. I don't want to lose my apartment or cats and.....oh I don't know.....I think outside the US people have different values, but also they have so many advantages over Americans. It's just getting at me more and more and I just keep thinking, I have to get out of here I have to get out of here. London is seeming more and more like the best option. There's Berlin, too, but....as a tour guide? Plus I have to save somewhat before and there's the catch.....maybe it's just that I'm a private person and don't want to live in a communal situation; like this girl I know just moved into a place with 5 other people. I'd really go insane. I'm just not a group person, I never was. I'm not cool either, never was. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact. But I really envy people who have that attitude of just gathering no moss but I can't be that way. I really need to focus on something and hold onto something tangible BUT....I don't want to be stuck here for eternity either. Ideally I'd work everywhere....mainly I want to live in Cairo, London, Berlin, LA, Jerusalem......but if I start working then I have to stay where I am and will be lucky to get two weeks of vacation. I mean, that's still far more than most people I know travel for. Most of those around me can't afford it and don't have the time. All these people like those I met who just go somewhere for a month and have no real agenda, except to live there and then go wherever and don't experience anxiety about rent, all those things....or maybe it's me who is doing something wrong. BUt I feel like I really have to be working toward a goal and in control of things at least somewhat. Maybe that's it: I need to feel more in control of my life. I could, I suppose, get on a plane and go somewhere but I don't really want to work on a farm or whatever, all those kinds of things, or live in a squat. First of all I can't take the cold. I don't want to be stripping or sucking dick either for money: not that anyone does, but I just don't think I can do it. I have nothing against sex or nudity, but.....oh I don't know, but I've been poor but I just could never do that. I was lucky to be pulled out in time, to have options before it came to that. BUt it could have been me, could still be me. But I can't just up and go somewhere without feeling that need to say something, express it. Everyone has that, I'm sure, but I get really frustrated when I'm not creative. I'm feeling that now. For a while the cheering was my only outlet. Hopefully that's gonna change. And soon.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

more on women

there was a line in the film JFK....something like, "...is when it looks like it smells like it; call it what it is: fascism......" I was reading about Cointelpro and people who infiltrated the civil rights movement and contributed to the murder (call it what it was) of people like Martin Luther King....."....while the machinery of legal action scarcely trembles...." and those who did the same to the women's movement. Of course all groups worry about infiltration. I have no proof of anyone in groups I've been involved in but I do have suspicions.....and I know, we have to stay focused on SH and not "impose" our views on others.....but no that doesn't gel. There are too many other problems in the world and they DO touch on this group and serious flaws need to be addressed and brought to surface, because it's important. I think people can discern what is useful to a group and what belongs elsewhere, and I can't keep pushing key issues aside as irrelevant. More on this later.....

Sunday, March 20, 2005

clashing personalities ..........?????

You're not going to change anyone, and you can't make people happy. Some people can't be pleased and you can argue til the cows come home but they're going to think what they're going to think and you will think what you will think. I've been fighting a lot and I just have to accept that I can't control other people, and I can't change them. And fighting is a waste of time.

THe guy subbing my place is complaining that he's hot (I'm COLD in my apt) and the cats are giving him allergies. HELLO? I mentioned about 20 times that I have cats including a longhaired persian. WHy do people not listen? Now little West is complaining cause he wants to go in the bedroom and the guy doesn't want him in there. Oh....I'm starting to ....I just want to leave this place....but I'll still have to face all these things no matter where I am. And I feel London is a better town for me and yes, I know, it's expensive, many of my problems will be the same, I'm not naive enough to expect a perfect setting, but I still think it's right. Because I love certain people I met who are European and the people I love and care about (with a few exceptions like G and my family) are all leaving the US for Europe. but some people have been nasty and I don't know their reasons but I do know I'm not going to change anyone. The only person I can change is myself. I can't control our government or the "system" we live under; sure, in a better world it would be different but this is the reality here and it isn't going to change.....at least not tomorrow, if ever. And I can't control if someone is on a power trip or thinks I'm out to get them or rob them or if they have emotional problems ect. ect. no one is going to change them no matter what.....I can only control myself. I have to remember that, and remember things SHOULD be different but like the saying in the film Platoon goes, Sgt Barnes (Tom Berenger) said, "There's the way it oughta be, and there's the way it is." This is what I have in front of me: I need a job, I'm in a system where I have to work to feed myself and my cats and keep a roof over my head, there are people who are dissatisfied and who can rob me and make me look like the bad one no matter how wonderful I am, I live in NYC, and it's a competitive city, probably the most in the world. None of these things will change. I can only make myself the best I can. The rest is not in my control.

Went to a protest yesterday with the raddie cheerleaders and it was nice to see everyone again. There were a few good-hearted people there but it didn't have the passion of the summer events. Protests that consist of people sitting around on the grass and someone making the same speech......Booooooring. We lifted people up and brought out lots of yang energy cuz that's what protests need. People wonder why do we cheer? Well, that's why. Words and speeches can help, but you have to get people's attention and cause their hearts to jump in order to get them to care. Plus, it moves people emotionally. Ra ra ra smash sexism ra ra ra pay me what I deserve......my bush is better....yeah, people loved us. But I was so exhausted plus I had my period I went to MOther's place and slept for hours....woke up and it was 1:30 AM. My mom's place creeps me out and I think it's haunted....and I was there alone. I wanted to call G but it was late and he hadn't even called me. I was thinking, is he with another girl....blah blah. So before I know it it's 3 AM and I can't sleep so I did my exercises, but then I remembered I watched Amityville Horror with G and his new girl roommate and the girl, who is also a Laura, and I talked about the extreme negativity of that film. I saw it when I was about seven years old and was so scared I slept with Bibles for the next five years. That scene with the blood coming out of the walls....well, I started remembering those evil windows in that house and it was almost 3:15 AM and I started freaking.....crying.....praying....and was thinking, 3:15 is coming up help.......then I was done and it was 3:22 and I'm off the hook. Then I slept for five more hours and before I knew it the sun was up again......
So I have interviews tomorrow and a copy editing test .......wish me luck please!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

women artists, now

It just occurred to me (did I spell that right?) that I haven't seen much really intense stuff from women writers or musicians in decades. Ironically, Sylvia Plath wrote when women had far fewer options than they do now but her work was rich and powerful, even til today. But I have read plays by women that are supposed to be "women's plays" and been really bored or ....frustrated. Much of it is mediocre. That's not to say that there isn't good or great stuff or talented women and certainly not that women can't or shouldn't write or make music. Joni Mitchell once said something about how women are making their own roles but they're creating shallow ones. I mean, constantly recycling stereotypical roles is not inspiring or interesting. I don't see it as progress...I mean it's like blacks calling themselves "niggas".....I can see the point for a while; to reclaim power and all that, but then it's like, time to move on. I don't want to read more plays about prostitutes...not that I think they're bad or that that isn't a viable subject, and all women are forced into prostitution to some degree (except maybe nuns, but then again that's just the other side of the coin), and not that I think all female characters should be rocket scientists....yes, I know, it's where the opportunities lie for women and it's not a reflection of intelligence.....but it is still a stereotype. There are exceptions. for me, I like Katja von Garnier's work and Dot Allison's ...and sure there are more. Margaret Atwood. But......none of these women are American. Is that a coincidence? I have to find an American one....I guess I'm not into American music or art. Yes, once again there are exceptions....like the underground. THere are the raddie cheerleaders all of whom are super brilliant and super talented. There's Sarah Jones, I think her name is. There are plenty of great women poets today in NYC. I have to keep remembering that. But for plays, it's been a struggle.
But I haven't see much soul searching among women in decades that I've been alive, I mean the majority. And we can't just keep chalking it up to a conspiracy. I know, it sounds like I don't like women......but women do annoy me, some of them. But it's been me, as well.

so about what was a year ago (eerie) I thought all I wanted was out of the life I was living. Well, they say watch out for what you wish for: I got released from a job I was looking for a way out of. BUt here I am 9 months later having to go back to work, and so far the options aren't great. It's supposed to all come together but I wish I didn't have to do anything. All I want is to travel, meet amazing people and perform but then I don't want to lose my apartment....I have cats, I have debts, I have "responsibilities" and back then I did become to a part the girl with her head in the clouds. I wasn't as financially savvy as I should have been and it looks like I was some slob who was let go instead of what it was......that's what fucking bothers me. But...good news, everyone is gone from my former job, so I'm free in a way. THe company was bought so I have that as an excuse....I wasn't fired and I wasn't laid off....it was a weird in between, mutual. But it still really stabs me that people will see this and think I somehow failed like I'm a dummy or lazy or something. In fact, I couldn't take it. But now I have to go back into the world. If I want a non corporate job I have to go into restaurants and lie well and I HATE walking into places cold......but there MUST be something. I've worked hard and I have two interviews tomorrow......but I don't feel ready. Should I cancel? Or should I just get it over with?

ONe actually cancelled on me today and so I only had one.

I read about women taking birth control pills or getting implants and, I know there are people who disagree and swear by the safety, but I can't understand for the life of me why someone would want to mess up their natural cycle. SOmeone posted that fewer periods mean lower ovarian cancer risk....well my period started when I was twelve. My grandmother didn't get her period til she was 17 and she died of breast cancer or ovarian cancer at, what, 56? I guess everyone can form their own opinion, but I don't believe in putting chemicals in my body. To me, there's just something strange about cutting out your natural functions. One extreme is the religions that say no bc at all.....but this.....I have to wonder about anyone who wants to cut out that part of themself that makes her a woman. Is it they just have no feminine or maternal instinct? Well, maybe not. Some of these women really love animals, so it may not be that. Personally, I don't like kids much, but I still believe I need to get my period. It's a sign that my body is working the way it should.

Monday, March 14, 2005

dream

I landed in Mexico and was with a couple of guys. We got off into some kind of hotel-looking area, which was sunny. It was early morning. I had no place to stay, and asked them where I should go. They recommended a holiday inn-like hotel.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

while in the park

I read this post on a travel site about men groping women in Japan. Blah blah blah.....long story short, it happens. But then someone wrote (a woman) well, if you're wearing a skirt, you're bound to get groped.

the following is very controversial, so if you're faint hearted, maybe you shouldn't read it. What I'm writing will probably piss people off. But these are my feelings. It has to be said by someone, and someone will come along and say it if I don't.

I wrote my feelings on harassment, assault, sexism, objectification.....how often rape is done by someone powerful, respected. THere's this myth of the lone nut (Echo the movie JFK which I was watching) who jumps out of an alley with an ice pick, and blah, blah, or the girl who was dressed too sexy and asking for it. It's still a knee jerk reaction even among women. Yes, some women do lack street smarts. They do dress and act inappropriately to their surroundings. But the circumstances of assault may or may not have had anything to do with that. It's a way of dominating women (and it's overwhelmingly male on female) and it happens across the board, right and left, US, Cuba, everywhere, it's a constant. It's political, is what I'm saying.

if you read this you'll probably think I hate men. Well, actually, no I don't hate men. I love men, most anyway. I love their company, and I'm attracted to men. But.....there's the contradiction. Because you these are the men I spend time with but then you read or hear about rape camps in Bosnia, the Spaniards killing Indians in Mexico, the viscious and ruthless takeover of even apartment buildings now in NYC and the fact that no one can get a home in Manhattan if they're not a billionaire (I'm not kidding; my mother told me last night that, as they own a loft in Tribeca which they bought in 1988) that she and her husband couldn't afford a place if they were buying now. And I suppose there are women who would rape, there are those who would abuse (and do) but really, it's men who rape, who keep slaves, who kill. Not that women are innocent, no siree. Women look the other way and deny what is happening; all the time. Or they blame themselves or other women. They betray other women as well, and oppress them. Some women abuse men, in other ways. Some take advantage of civil rights laws and use them to hurt others. That is wrong, completely. We can't keep pretending we're not to blame. Women sell eachother out and we can't keep excusing it and saying it's only because they had to survive in a sexist world and blah, blah......women will even lie to other women and tell them they're living in the best possible world. Look I see this every day and have lived with women like this all my life. In a way they're worse than the men cause at least with men you know where you stand and who you're dealing with. But with women you don't always know.

somewhere in the 70s began a musical movement, and one of artists in general, that was great, awesome.......and powerful. But then it stopped. Many were British but some were American. THe vast majority of them were British, but America had something of its own. But I tried listening to No Wave and was so bored.....I couldn't get into it. I guess I'm missing it, whatever it is. But it was there, and it was strong. Then.....it ended. In NYC it went underground, but the airwaves suddenly were filled with completely atrocious stuff, and ditto for the fashion. Books were written and articles were written saying absurd and completely untrue things. Why? no more 1984, goes a song from a hardcore band from NYC called SFA. It's true, something ended and suddenly many voices were muffled. And why was this? Reagan's takeover? Probably. Deregulation? Maybe.

need a break

I haven't been able to relax in days. I just painted the house with G which ended up in us getting in a fight and him storming off.....I broke a mirror and freaked. We argued over where to put things. I screamed when the mirror broke just cause it freaked me out and I thought did I just curse myself....so I threw salt over my shoulder and buried, sort of, the pieces of the mirror in a trash can on the corner and this guy saw me and I finally told him to mind his own business. Then I lit seven candles and blew them all out at midnight, except one of them burned out. Yeah, I'm superstitious. I wouldn't have painted the kitchen in the first place. I called G three times, more, and he hasn't answered. That doesn't make me feel any better, cause now I"m stuck here alone.....and I would like some company. But I'm also exhausted. There's no end to the work, really. I hope G is OK. I was just maxed out in every way, I guess we both were. But this feels so eerie. I really need a rest, lots of sleep, and a day in which I'm not doing anything.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

clarity

I'm starting to understand what may have gone wrong in the past, with regards to my problems. I know where I did wrong. Realistically our intentions are the best but our abilities may not be. I spread myself too thin in the past. I overestimated what I could do, how many responsibilities I could juggle. I didn't plan enough, although I tried to.

But now I'm looking forward to......sitting back and chilling with a movie and a glass of wine. I've been sending out reses all day and dealing with problems. Even cooking lunch is hard work. I od'ed on chocolate.

dream

G, my man, started reading a Bible or watching a film or something, then flipped out completely, like possessed, saying he's a priest or something. Then, he comes back to normal and doesn't remember. He goes into the other room, and I start looking through his wallet, and find several pix or women, with captions like "cute" and I'm in there. I decided he's seeing plenty of other women.

Earlier, I was buying shoes, bought some open toed like ballet shoes.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

-tough day

I went for an interview that blew. When people ask me, what do I want, what am I supposed to say? Where do I see myself? The thing is, I have an answer, but it's not the one they want to hear. I don't have much choice except to go for these jobs, do I? These questions just sound...... Sure, I know what I want (actually I've been waiting all my life for your opinion). No, I don't want to be working at this place two years from now. What do I enjoy? I mean, I don't know, that depends on so many things. I don't know how to answer these questions and it was obvious I was somehow "wrong" for this job. What am I supposed to say, I LOVE typing numbers into an excel sheet? It all comes down to how well you can lie and I suck at lying. SHould I just be honest? I mean, she wanted someone familiar with a certain software.....well why the hell did she call me in in a snowstorm to ask me that? Why couldn't she ask me that yesterday?

I just felt so draggy after that interview, and I knew I was wrong for it, it was wrong, and why did I waste my time? I just need something temporary, but it isn't happening, and I don't know but I just somehow keep doing something wrong. Incidents like that can smother you if you let them. The whole atmosphere was wrong, and these nasty men kept leering at me .......like they have any right to do that.

I don't want to be so negative....I want to stay positive. I was so hurt and mad and I just wanted to get out of there but there were people everywhere and the men too who jumped into my space with no invitation and.......I was and still am feeling really bruised like I've been hit. WHat can I do to drive that stuff out of my life? How long do I have to go on like this? I need a job but no, duh, I don't LOVE the idea of typing numbers into cells on the computer and dealing with your bitchiness and no I don't have orgasms every time I type an invoice on the computer......as much as I should I'm sure other people do.......would I rather be on a plane to somewhere in the world and fucking like crazy on a deserted tropical beach and acting Shakespeare....uh....YEAH. But I wouldn't be here if I despised the idea of this place that much. I mean, what do these interviewers want to hear? Yeah, I get defensive, because they ARE attacking me. Oh, I know, they're not attacking me and it's nothing personal. Well, they are attacking me and it is personal, because it's aimed at me. I didn't yell at her or act rude, but my veneer was dropping. Something about the crowd there and me and the place were just wrong.

I was reading this article about third wave feminists. I guess I fall into that, although only partly. I am a feminist who wears make up and listens to modern music and wears miniskirts occasionally and yadeyade but I'm not postmodern; in fact I'm against it, and.....I'm split down the middle with regards to sex. I mean, I support the premise of an organization like Cake or the sex workers' movement, and I don't think prosties are bad people. I've met some who are nice people. I don't think they should be punished for what they do. But these sex pos people are missing a vital ingredient: it's not as simple as redirecting your sex life to make yourself appear stronger or in control......that's to me just on the surface. You have to change the world, too. Our sex fantasies are fucked up, dirty, oppressive, racist, sexist, ageist because the world is that way. We fantasize about rape because it happens, because we live in a rape society and that's all we know. But sex fantasy isn't necessarily bad.......as long as it stays there. SOme people cross over, though, and that's where it gets dangerous. And some people's fantasies involve really hurting another person, and to me, that's something to be paid attention to. Because you don't know where this person is going to take it. BUt just to fantasize, if it stays in the bedroom, well, people need an outlet. It's tricky. I have more to say on this, but I'm getting hungry.....

I agree with bloomberg about the smoking, even I disagree

about everything else. Certain people I know smoke and have a really tough time quitting. I went through it myself, and it's hell at first. But I hate cigarette smoke and, look, if you don't want your rent jacked up and don't want to be exploited by power, at least take care of yourself and your surroundings. People throw garbage in front of my building and there's no excuse. Don't pollute the air with cigarette and even pot smoke and don't throw garbage around. I mean, that's a no brainer. I live in a neighborhood that's being gentrified and I can barely afford my rent as is. G and I have had some serious fights about this, but I don't think people have a right to smoke on the stairs outside if the smoke comes into my apt and I can't breathe. No, they don't have a "right" to smoke. THat's why people will vote for BB because at least they can breathe with him as mayor. Today I was doing my stretches and smelled smoke and it just......it's rude. I'm sorry. Quit, people! But.....some people are seriously addicted and need help. My dad's a truly great person and I love him but his habit is severe. He's very much in danger of being killed by it, and I just can't bear the idea of losing him, especially early. Not to mention that my guilt is compounded cause I'm not working.....so that's why I am working so hard now.....aside from that I have to make a living. But anyhow, I wish I knew what to do because no one will listen to me, including him. But anyhow....I mean people don't even realize how bad their own smoke is. THat's why I quit, cause I couldn't take it. Yes, x person, if you want us to be a pair, that habit has to go. I'm sure you can do it.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

none of your business, so don't ask

enough said. I don't want to be rude or nasty. But it's rude to ask a woman her age. And it is not just men, it's the women and girls, too. I don't need to go into why it's not right. It makes me think very low of someone, too. It makes me mad. It's none of your business, and I'm not arguing.

have you ever NOT known what to do next?

I am at that place in which I know what I want: many things at once. I want to act and perform. I have to. I can't survive without that.

BUt I have to financially survive as well. That's where the catch is. I want to perform all over the world but can't do that if I'm in a corporate job, where if I'm lucky I'll have 10 days off in a year.

My options are to move to Europe and find work there.

I don't want to lose my apartment, but it's very expensive and I have to work if I'm going to keep it.

And I feel the pressure to go now, before it's too late. I've been here two months, and still am unemployed. Progress is being made, but it's slow and treacherous.

I want to perform but I want to go places, too, before it's too late. I don't want to be traveling when I'm old. I am missing out on my 401k, well, I don't know. I'll take out a life insurance policy so my kids will inherit money when I die. That I care about.

But that's 30 or 40 years from now. I don't want to be playing frump roles, non-sexual ones. In the sexist world of Hollywood and acting in general, as usual, the emphasis is on youth and beauty. If I want to do it, the time is now.


so things are brighter, but not fully solved. I've been asked to write two articles, but non paid. BUT it's experience. I must have a talent for writing.

THe important thing is to initiate dialog and the way to do that is to get what you have to say out there. Even if it's flawed, it needs to be. Otherwise, what is the point?

still more on shp

I am really obsessed with this where I should have moved on. But we need to, I know there needs to be more structure and I applaud the accomplishments in that area. That was part of the problem.
Still, it's hard to describe, but I feel really frustrated with the outcome of SHP. I have a lot of conflicts, and I keep feeling like, so when are we going to get to the real issue here? Even the CHPs left me feeling disturbed. The workshops had a lot of good in them, and those are necessary for raising consciousness among women who are not in a "political" environment, i.e. like the LES or Williamsburg, in which they can realize they're not alone and that's how progress is made.

But somehow I don't feel right. I am bothered by some members and what they write. I am still mad about a couple of things. It's not that I dislike them personally. But my problems that I'm faced with and have been for most of my life are still there.....although maybe somewhat less than they were. I did feel sorry for some of the men I encountered at CHPs. I felt sympathy for them but I was still mad at what they did. But there is still that part of me that does want to be attractive. A part of me is sexual and attracted to men. No, I don't want a guy to treat me like a 15 minute bang, but I still crave sexual contact.

I was raised very religious

in spite of the divorces, church was consistent. We went every sunday. Naturally after learning so much about Jerusalem I would want to see it. My mother taught Sunday school. Like clockwork, we'd go in the cold on Sunday morning, in the Midwestern winters where the wind would cut through my skin, my legs and hands. After church we (my mother, her then husband, my three step siblings) would go somewhere divy for lunch. THat was when Mother was going through her own mother dying, pure hell, plus this marriage wasn't working at all. In front of the nuns she called her husband a son of a bitch.

After learning so much about Jerusalem I told myself I'd have to see it, but that wouldn't happen for decades. I saw such a small part of it, but that was something. The Old City is quite a place, and it must be haunted. I hope to see more, at some time.

I'm faced with the choice or work or travel or perform. Like I can only do one, but somehow I have to do all three. How can I make this happen?

Saturday, March 05, 2005

went out and now gettting home at 7....AM

long story short: I did go to the club and yeah, it was extremely expensive. But I did it anyhow. I don't know what it is, but I felt like I should. Well, I know why I felt like I should.

So.......this guy hit on me in a really obvious way, but I did feel attracted to him. I actually did, a part of me, want to go ahead with it. We exchanged numbers. I wanted to be annoyed, but I am flattered. Of course......well...there are some not nice men out there. ........ Gasp! And it was hard to be there with him there but......I was really shy. I walked away from both men because......I guess I have these space issues. I feel like I can't get too close or....something. Or I do want to get close but I can't somehow just jump on them. A part of me does want to distance myself and yeah, I know, it's not healthy. I mean, what is the solution? I do feel fear. Fear of something. I have always felt that. Fear mixed with sexual feelings. Not like I think they'll be violent or anything. But what? Nerves. I wish I knew a solution. I don't fear success but I do fear pain and humiliation. I am afraid of the real me, or revealing that. But who can reveal everything about themselves? But the real me shows up at some time, always.

I had this feeling like I was being watched, like someone was reading my mind, knowing everything about me. Paranoia, yeah, you can say that. Maybe it was just that. Maybe I was just imagining it. I do that. But I felt it regardless and it just nailed me to the wall. I wanted to hide and be anonymous, to watch without others seeing me. I want to know everything about someone but I don't want....well, no...maybe I don't want to know everything about someone.

so ......more on jobs

I don't know what to do, because all I want is to travel and perform and I miss London for some reason, and that's why I'm willing to spend money seeing this guy. or am I? Time is running out, but I have the chance. I've been.......I can't stop thinking about him. I know, it's wrong. But it isn't just that. Well, actually it is.

So is GWB the problem with the US? If no one likes him, how did he become prez? Even Hollywood which to me is hardly a liberal place is all against Bush. These people are hypocrites because they ride around in limos. That's the difference between liberal and radical. I mean some of them are just loud and annoying.....but some of them are genuine. I like Jessica Lange and Susan Sarandon and a few others. But how progressive is HOllywood in general? I mean, women in this town aren't really that much better off than in repressive religious countries. Absolutely women are second class citizens there. So.....beg to differ, but I believe I am right. But they're getting that way in NYC, too. There is sexual harassment going here, and it's really rampant. And the harder it is to live here, the more women will have to fall back on their bodies.

To me, the battle is not for abortion rights. I don't think abortion should ever be illegal. But if I ever need one and can't get one in the US I guess I can go to France, to Canada. Maybe women should be trained to perform abortions. But I can't keep the emphasis on pro-choice when so many other women's issues aren't given enough attention, and these ones are really, really crying out for help. Mainly it comes down to assault.....cause the articles I've read tell me that a girl or woman can be raped or held in slavery, literally, and nothing will likely be done about it. Well, sorry, the truth hurts. But look at the statistics of, say, southeast Asia or India where people are so desperate they pimp out their kids. No exaggeration. Or the girls who are forced into prostitution. I try to get help on this here where I am but people simply don't appear to be taking me seriously, even other women! SOme of them still say, well, the girls are probably sluts and blah blah blah. Even if they are sluts they don't deserve to be raped. And many of these girls are not, either. They don't want to have sex with strangers any more than you do.

Friday, March 04, 2005

If there is someone on your friends list

If there is someone on your friends list you would like to take, strip naked, tie them to a bed post, lick them until they scream, then fuck them until both of you are senseless and unable to fuck anymore, then wait about five minutes and do it all over again, then post this exact sentence in YOUR journal.


I do feel this way about a couple people. They don't know it, though.

But I can't just fuck someone indiscriminately. No matter how much I like someone, I have to get to know them. Although that's what I say, but .......I've slept with people I didn't know well. And occasionally it was good, or even great. I don't regret some people but I do regret others. Some people I'd say it was meant to happen. I don't think I did wrong. BUt some people I'd say it never should have happened. Not that they're not good people. But.....no no.....I never should have gotten intimate with them. Well.....I don't know. Maybe every sexual encounter is a fated thing, like from above. I don't know if fate is the word. But there's a connection somewhere that's not just bodies. Well, some people have partners in the thousands. No, I don't like that. Like people say men "have" to have sex. That's used to justify prostitution. Well, I'm a very sexual person and I have to have sex, too. But sex can turn into something else, that I may not be ready for. Like this guy I met in Berlin; I was attracted to him, and I believe he was to me. But it just didn't seem right. If this were a world without "rules" we would have done it, probably. But it felt also like he wanted to own me, in part, to control me. I think just a little, he did. Not that he was a bad person. I could see another side to him, a softer side. But I keep thinking, what did he want from me? What did he want in general? This is someone who washed my underwear and bra and hung it out to dry......and I had such terrible insomnia at his place. That's why I hardly went anywhere, cause I was just tired during the day.

But there comes the very rare occasion where, well, it's not that rare, they don't just want sex, but something beyond that. But that's where things get really sticky. This is why I avoid it. I know when they want something else. I can tell, usually.

dream

I'm in a hurry as I have to go to this hellhole job development program, but I want to write down a dream.

I was leaving a party of raddie cheerleaders one of the girls had in my place, and I ran into one of the guy cls. He was touching me in a very sexual way, and I liked it. I used to have a thing for this guy but I got over it.......still this is the 2nd dream I've had of him. And really vivid.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

what will I do next?

I wonder if I should move to London. I say London because now I'm really attracted to someone I met from there. I love some people I met from there. There are many problems and some may say I'm running away, but I don't like American culture. I never watch TV, I don't listen to rap or hip hop, the one thing I like are some of the movies. But.....more and more it seems like "success" here, I don't want to sound bitter, but it does seem like it's all about who you know and who you sleep with. I don't want to say this, but it's not a secret. And there are people (sure, maybe they're everywhere, but I'm talking about what I see in front of me) who are not above having sex with someone for a promotion. They're not above doing anything. Some of them would kill their families. So, if I'm not willing to fuck someone for a job there will be someone else who is. Sexual harassment? Uh, yeah. It's illegal, and steps have been taken. And there are women who are fucked up, too. It's not just the men. But just about every woman I talk to reveals that she has been sexually harassed on the job. I was, too, years ago. ONe guy said he was too.....by another guy. Unfortunately, there are some women who would SH on the job if they had the power to. But the reality of the world we're in has men in most positions of power. Women who get promoted are the ones who throw down the ladder for any other woman.

These are not nice things. I wish I had something else to say. There are people who blame.....well, I've heard many arguments. Maybe there is some truth about power, and some have it while some don't. But there's so much that's out of our control. What is in our control, though? I don't want to fall into self-destructive behavior. But it's not as simple as THESE people are responsible for the world's evil. But then, what is?

How to manage money

I remember at my former job a guy was let go. I asked the reason, and was told by my supervisor that it was "none of my business." And he said that to me in front of all my co-workers. I'm wondering if it is really none of my business what goes on between workers, at any place I'm working. I'm beginning to think that it is in fact very much my business, as it is everyone there. Why? I work here, that's why. Well, why is it? Is it really all a matter of personal, individual grievances and struggles? Or could it be that the reason one person loses their job is the same that I lose mine? We're talking about people who have overwhelming power over us, to affect our livelihood not just at this job but at future ones as well. If a former boss talks bad about you you won't get hired again. And then what are we supposed to do? The fact is, and these are the facts: the workers who were the first fired and last hired were black women. These women were made out to be not only terrible workers, but practically terrible people as well. And they subsequently couldn't get jobs elsewhere. Is it just a coincidence? Now, let's assume margin for error: maybe they really were terrible workers. Or, as the argument goes, they were completely unqualified because of their lifetimes of oppression. They were incompetent, and mentally inferior, but of course that's because of their oppression, or "life isn't fair." Well, I'm thinking of three so far. The idea was that there was no hope of them ever getting hired to the higher levels. One woman was there for eight years, and was suddenly fired. Not only that, her paycheck disappeared.

So, who is the bad one here? If they're made out to be terrible people and terrible workers. If the people they work for have this much power over their lives that they control their livelihood, their means of eating and sleeping, not just at this job but in future ones, who really is dangerous?

Is it really none of our business why someone is let go? The boss will give one reason but that will be a lie. What is the real reason? Are we entitled to know? Our HR manual tells us we can be fired at a moment's notice for no reason. This one manager was suddenly fired, allegedly over losing subscriptions. Which makes no sense. How could someone in his position suddenly lose that? So, we could have a racist, sexist boss who can fire someone for any reason, and not only that, bar them from working elsewhere, and we'd never know why someone is fired or why we are. In fact, we'll be made out to look like the bad ones, the ones who did wrong.

Managin money: now, this guy who is moving into my mom's apartment is a stockbroker and a millionare and not even 30. This is someone who is supposed to be an expert on money. He is spending probably millions to redo the apartment when really this building isn't built for that. He is literally moving the toilet. Does that make any sense? Oh, I know, the value will go up. Is that really true? I can't say for sure it isn't. But to me it makes no sense to spend thousands of dollars to move a toilet. Am I the only one who thinks this?

something needs to be uncovered......

I just watched this really depressing movie: House of Sand and Fog.

I need something much more cheerful.

I'm so tired now; but I'm optimistic. Still, I know I have to find a solution to this, somehow.

what happened was that I was just going to sleep this morning, the 2 March, around 1AM, and I heard the buzzer. My buzzer connects to the neighbors, so I figured it was for them. THen I heard a knock on the window. It was the cops.

Long story short, they went through my backyard looking for someone on the prowl. Choppers were flying over my backyard, with a searchlight. My back yard went white, especially with the snow.

I called G in a panic and asked him to come over, which he finally did. There were cop cars lined up the block, like at least five of them. And I don't know what the hell was going on, except it must have been someone with a gun. I haven't found anything in the papers.




My cats then woke me up three times, and then I had to get up at 6AM for something.

what I want

in a perfect world if I had my way:

travel, travel travel

act in movies and plays

not have to work 9 to 5

clean house





so that is the catch: how do I travel and act but still have an apartment.....plus I have two cats.......well there must be a solution.