rain rain

freezing, snow, rain, another interview. Bulb in my kitchen burned out. Cleaned my mother's kitchen. Bought a compass. Went to my place (I'm subbing for 1 more day) checked my email my two kitties were there Punzy jumped at me and so did West. Met G at Curry in a hurry and we ate.

Dreamt last night I was in church, though part of a ceremony. I dream about church all the time! I was holding candles but they kept blowing out so I had to keep relighting them.

The other night, in Mother's haunted apt, I was asleep, and I thought I heard the entrance door open and then shut, and someone come in. I read Henry VI part I last night and yeah, I'm obsessed with Jeanne D'arc. I love Shakespeare's character and she is controversial but she just has something....I identify with her. I do have feelings of revenge, and fantasies. But I practice yoga and my own form of intuition, whatever you want to call it, and I realize I need to let stuff go and it's not worth having grudges against people even if you have valid reasons to. It's better to rid yourself of your negativity although every hour stuff comes at you but I'm learning to get rid of what's not necessary; feng shui says the same. YOu'd be amazed at what you don't need!
But this one girl who I was around recently was rubbing me the wrong way. It's not that I dislike her personally, but I sensed just that "something" not right. Actually it's a few people I've been around recently. I feel like there's something going on that is wrong but they're not talking about it. Regardless, I can sense it. If I'm around something or someone negative I feel it, really do. It makes my hair stand on end. If someone else is angry or upset it rubs off on others. I can sense other people's junk really well, particularly women's. We all need our space and I need mine and sometimes I just don't want anyone near me. But some way somehow you have to express what is going on, because that's the only way anything will get solved. And right now I'm under loads of pressure. But there's that side of me that "really" wants to go somewhere and perform and I can't ignore that, either. I'm waiting for the "solution" but don't know where it is.

I've been reading posts by people on this site bootsnall who just up and leave to live somewhere else on earth. I admire a person's ability to do that, but I really need to have "a plan." I suppose I could go back to Egypt and work there or Berlin but I don't want to be scraping by on no money and I just need something....I don't know. I envy those people I really do. Maybe that is what I'm doing wrong. I'm trying to do the right thing here; well not much choice.....but I don't want to give up what I have. I don't see the point of working for years to save up money to go somewhere for a few months to a year only to come back and start all over, but in other parts of the world it's different. I don't want to lose my apartment or cats and.....oh I don't know.....I think outside the US people have different values, but also they have so many advantages over Americans. It's just getting at me more and more and I just keep thinking, I have to get out of here I have to get out of here. London is seeming more and more like the best option. There's Berlin, too, but....as a tour guide? Plus I have to save somewhat before and there's the catch.....maybe it's just that I'm a private person and don't want to live in a communal situation; like this girl I know just moved into a place with 5 other people. I'd really go insane. I'm just not a group person, I never was. I'm not cool either, never was. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact. But I really envy people who have that attitude of just gathering no moss but I can't be that way. I really need to focus on something and hold onto something tangible BUT....I don't want to be stuck here for eternity either. Ideally I'd work everywhere....mainly I want to live in Cairo, London, Berlin, LA, Jerusalem......but if I start working then I have to stay where I am and will be lucky to get two weeks of vacation. I mean, that's still far more than most people I know travel for. Most of those around me can't afford it and don't have the time. All these people like those I met who just go somewhere for a month and have no real agenda, except to live there and then go wherever and don't experience anxiety about rent, all those things....or maybe it's me who is doing something wrong. BUt I feel like I really have to be working toward a goal and in control of things at least somewhat. Maybe that's it: I need to feel more in control of my life. I could, I suppose, get on a plane and go somewhere but I don't really want to work on a farm or whatever, all those kinds of things, or live in a squat. First of all I can't take the cold. I don't want to be stripping or sucking dick either for money: not that anyone does, but I just don't think I can do it. I have nothing against sex or nudity, but.....oh I don't know, but I've been poor but I just could never do that. I was lucky to be pulled out in time, to have options before it came to that. BUt it could have been me, could still be me. But I can't just up and go somewhere without feeling that need to say something, express it. Everyone has that, I'm sure, but I get really frustrated when I'm not creative. I'm feeling that now. For a while the cheering was my only outlet. Hopefully that's gonna change. And soon.