-tough day

I went for an interview that blew. When people ask me, what do I want, what am I supposed to say? Where do I see myself? The thing is, I have an answer, but it's not the one they want to hear. I don't have much choice except to go for these jobs, do I? These questions just sound...... Sure, I know what I want (actually I've been waiting all my life for your opinion). No, I don't want to be working at this place two years from now. What do I enjoy? I mean, I don't know, that depends on so many things. I don't know how to answer these questions and it was obvious I was somehow "wrong" for this job. What am I supposed to say, I LOVE typing numbers into an excel sheet? It all comes down to how well you can lie and I suck at lying. SHould I just be honest? I mean, she wanted someone familiar with a certain software.....well why the hell did she call me in in a snowstorm to ask me that? Why couldn't she ask me that yesterday?

I just felt so draggy after that interview, and I knew I was wrong for it, it was wrong, and why did I waste my time? I just need something temporary, but it isn't happening, and I don't know but I just somehow keep doing something wrong. Incidents like that can smother you if you let them. The whole atmosphere was wrong, and these nasty men kept leering at me .......like they have any right to do that.

I don't want to be so negative....I want to stay positive. I was so hurt and mad and I just wanted to get out of there but there were people everywhere and the men too who jumped into my space with no invitation and.......I was and still am feeling really bruised like I've been hit. WHat can I do to drive that stuff out of my life? How long do I have to go on like this? I need a job but no, duh, I don't LOVE the idea of typing numbers into cells on the computer and dealing with your bitchiness and no I don't have orgasms every time I type an invoice on the computer......as much as I should I'm sure other people do.......would I rather be on a plane to somewhere in the world and fucking like crazy on a deserted tropical beach and acting Shakespeare....uh....YEAH. But I wouldn't be here if I despised the idea of this place that much. I mean, what do these interviewers want to hear? Yeah, I get defensive, because they ARE attacking me. Oh, I know, they're not attacking me and it's nothing personal. Well, they are attacking me and it is personal, because it's aimed at me. I didn't yell at her or act rude, but my veneer was dropping. Something about the crowd there and me and the place were just wrong.

I was reading this article about third wave feminists. I guess I fall into that, although only partly. I am a feminist who wears make up and listens to modern music and wears miniskirts occasionally and yadeyade but I'm not postmodern; in fact I'm against it, and.....I'm split down the middle with regards to sex. I mean, I support the premise of an organization like Cake or the sex workers' movement, and I don't think prosties are bad people. I've met some who are nice people. I don't think they should be punished for what they do. But these sex pos people are missing a vital ingredient: it's not as simple as redirecting your sex life to make yourself appear stronger or in control......that's to me just on the surface. You have to change the world, too. Our sex fantasies are fucked up, dirty, oppressive, racist, sexist, ageist because the world is that way. We fantasize about rape because it happens, because we live in a rape society and that's all we know. But sex fantasy isn't necessarily bad.......as long as it stays there. SOme people cross over, though, and that's where it gets dangerous. And some people's fantasies involve really hurting another person, and to me, that's something to be paid attention to. Because you don't know where this person is going to take it. BUt just to fantasize, if it stays in the bedroom, well, people need an outlet. It's tricky. I have more to say on this, but I'm getting hungry.....