long story short: I did go to the club and yeah, it was extremely expensive. But I did it anyhow. I don't know what it is, but I felt like I should. Well, I know why I felt like I should.
So.......this guy hit on me in a really obvious way, but I did feel attracted to him. I actually did, a part of me, want to go ahead with it. We exchanged numbers. I wanted to be annoyed, but I am flattered. Of course......well...there are some not nice men out there. ........ Gasp! And it was hard to be there with him there but......I was really shy. I walked away from both men because......I guess I have these space issues. I feel like I can't get too close or....something. Or I do want to get close but I can't somehow just jump on them. A part of me does want to distance myself and yeah, I know, it's not healthy. I mean, what is the solution? I do feel fear. Fear of something. I have always felt that. Fear mixed with sexual feelings. Not like I think they'll be violent or anything. But what? Nerves. I wish I knew a solution. I don't fear success but I do fear pain and humiliation. I am afraid of the real me, or revealing that. But who can reveal everything about themselves? But the real me shows up at some time, always.
I had this feeling like I was being watched, like someone was reading my mind, knowing everything about me. Paranoia, yeah, you can say that. Maybe it was just that. Maybe I was just imagining it. I do that. But I felt it regardless and it just nailed me to the wall. I wanted to hide and be anonymous, to watch without others seeing me. I want to know everything about someone but I don't want....well, no...maybe I don't want to know everything about someone.
No comments:
Post a Comment