always there is conflict in my life between all these things. Like if certain people are in my destiny and I knew them in past lives......and I'm not sure if I believe in reincarnation. But if it's true, then we knew eachother during the hundred years' war......the thing about playing a historical character is you have to make people care, make them think they're living what the character is living. There has to be a parallel. Because otherwise you look at the hundred years' war and think, I didn't know these people and it was across the ocean and it was several hundred years ago, ect. ect. And you can wonder was Jeanne D'arc just another holy roller, like neurotic? Or are these holy rollers neurotic or, could it be they are possessed by something? Like if you delve into certain pursuits you're not ready for, you could encounter something you can't handle......
But another part of me says, people are free agents, and they're going to do what they're going to do. I can't control them. I want x guy to like me, only me, ect. but I can't make him do it. I have to give a person that freedom. Maybe they'll find someone else. Maybe things will work out, maybe not. I can't control that. I can only control myself. So x person is a free agent and there's also....watch out for what you wish for. I would get obsessed with a guy and think, I have to have person x in my life or I'll die.....I'm that type of person. Whether or not I got him....I eventually moved on and found other people. But at the time, it's hard to be consoled. All these women I know who aren't fulfilled in their love lives, and they're gorgeous.....I wish I could say something to them to stop what they're feeling. I can say, you'll forget him in a few years. But who knows? All I know is, I wish things would happen a certain way, and that x person will do so and so.....but they're going to do what they're going to do. Maybe they'll find someone else or maybe they'll want me or maybe.......who knows? You don't know at the time if it's right or not. I can only control myself. So here I am it's almost 3AM and I have such insomnia.......after spending time in clubs it's getting to me. I have that conflict between responsibility and desire. I'm jealous of people who are leaving work to travel when I'm at the opposite end. But even when I do go away I know that at some point I'll have to come back and set up my career. I know I'll have to do many things regardless. But also, when I left my job I thought my problems were solved. And these women think theirs will be by leaving. I don't blame them for wanting out. But I realized that much of it wasn't the job, it was me. And when suddenly I had freedom I wasn't happy, because other things happened, and I realized I'm afraid, really afraid, and I'm not really a content or even happy person. I'm just not, and I had to take on other problems and feel intense fear and loneliness. There are many things which I could have had but try though I may I wasn't much better off, and I can see that it wasn't the job, it was me, in part. YEs, the job was part of it. But it was also I who was fighting with others and myself. Now.....that's over and I have to go back again, and I don't have the freedoms I thought I would. It's far from over, still. So....back to the "love" topic, I think from all these gothic romances I read I got this idea of love, domination, violence, pain, pleasure.....all mixed together, to something really intense. Something like that can lead to great sex and probably a really true and deep connection, like those fated ones I spoke of before. I've heard of relationships like this. I know I'd have to draw the line if I'm being hurt too much even if I'm "in love" or if sex is great, if it's at the point where I'm suffering, in pain, humiliated, then at least, at least, for all the flaws in my upbringing, I was taught I don't have to tolerate that. Many women never learn about that line, and these are intelligent, attractive women who have lives and careers and are great. And I can say at least I know I don't have to be in pain. But......there's this other side that's in all these extremes.....and it is a sign of something. It is something that's not easy to leave, or forget. But what can you do with it?
So......some amount of work, drudge work, hard work, is necessary no matter what. YOu have to do boring things, or else fall into a hole. I have to find a job, send out pix, rehearse monologues, finish papers, ect. ect. and I don't FEEL like doing any of it. That's where free will comes in. But......is there fate? Are certain people in one's destiny? Some people I can say there was something fated about our encounter, but it's not as simple as that as we can all make choices what to do with a given set of circumstances. Yep, these things are on my mind as I'm walking around the city......
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