oh lovelies

Monday, November 29, 2010

OK feeling better

I went on my rant well you know it needed to be said. Seeing letters K, A....know what that means. Been running, leg exercises, calisthenics stretch stretch tedious as fuck all. I see the tension in me. The "bad." Comes from different places. Blocked areas. Many. Heavy breathing. Jolts. Eating cold sesame noodles and vegetable egg rolls from the local Chinese food place, Chung Chens or something I believe it's called, on Myrtle. It's where the project kids all go. I am right next to Fort Greene park. I spent hours yesterday washing the fucking floor cleaning after the dog. Endless and today still more. Got rid of "most" bad smells then it smelled good for a while, now it's bad. Think the happiest thoughts. Cheesy but true. Yellow is the color I'm meditating on. Show is tomorrow. I contrast the yellow with the dirty dishwater I see in parts of me. Turn the dirty dishwater into bright yellow.

Jophiel. Intelligence Jupiter. Yellow. Solar plexus. Cleansing. It's the waning moon time for cleansing. Washing the floor. Washing the floor. Endless. Arrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Feel there's no end. Jerk head. No end. Jerk head. No end. Because I read something .....

I omitted the rest. I abbreviated it because it's private, but realize it doesn't make sense to people.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Bitter Sweet Coffee Bitter Goodbye

Tundra always begs me to take her there. I took her out of kindness even though so many times I have gone to that place only to be talked down to and reprimanded by either the owner or some customer about....I mean, why do they sell biscuits if they don't want their sacred space dirtied by dogs? The owners, this " barista" bitch with red hair and glasses giving me and Tundra a look for their information I spent a good portion of this week cleaning up a space where a woman was keeping seven cats and three dogs ONLY out of love for animals and desire to make their living space habitable because quite frankly their owner was not responsible enough to hire the proper workers to walk her dogs and clean her space. I bought Tundra medicine, supplements and plenty of biscuits cleaned up after her rubbed her legs with warm water and lavendar and patchouli oil. I feed feral cats. I saved a kitten from being put in a mailbox by a crazy derelict. So anyone who wants to accuse me at this place.....what is it? This prick comes into Bittersweet (Retch) coffee shop on dekalb ave and yells at me in front of everyone there that Tundra looked, what was it? forlorn or something. It was very humiliating and really unfair. Another time, the owner yelled at me because I was grooming her and I was getting the place dirty. This is the final time. This bitch at the counter said something like "You're blocking the door and please make sure the dog doesn't...." because I was finishing a cup of coffee by the door and getting ready to leave with Tundra who was looking in the door. Look, if anyone wants to lecture me I have this to say because I am damned mad now: I groomed her because no one else does. I walk her because no one else does. I feed her the biscuits because I feel for her and want to give her some enjoyment in life. So what can I say other than, what? Go to hell maybe? Who the hell does that bitch think she is? And the looks she was giving me and the dog? What is her fucking problem? And the jerkoff, pretentious crowd there..... ugh good breeding prevents me from expressing my true feelings for these people. But you know some people have their "due" coming. Question is, when will it be?
There is something unforgivable in a person getting a sense of entitlement and hostility toward a person who is doing them a favor, such as giving them money. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I am simply done with a) that place I am NEVER going back and b) the wrongful elements in my life enough, done! Completely done.

More on Yoga blog

Which I will be starting soon. Or I could generally call it a dance blog. Lordie there's so much written about yoga that is absurd and the wrong teachings I admit fucked me up for a long time. Which is why I feel the burden to set the record straight. Yoga is not related to any religion it is not Buddhist or Hindu or Satanic or anything except a physical exercise to reduce suffering. The origins are debatable. I will go into that elsewhere. Ideally I want to express many different styles which I will divorce from the pseudo-Eastern schtick (nothing against Eastern teachings, it's just my opinion and personal style) surrounding these "New Age" schools. You know. I am still beginning to understand readings concerning chakras which again I will work with sans religion or any spiritual philosophy. It's up to each person what works for them. But I will work on different styles. And I will add I have read some, I won't mince words, REALLY stupid, crazy and ignorant stuff concerning this. People asking if they're going to go to hell for doing yoga which is "non-Christian." Stuff like that. People really spend their time wondering about this. Yes, spirituality can spell disaster for someone mentally unbalanced or who has too many crossed conditions that will confuse the hell out of them until they spiral down into the deep end, irretrievably. That happens too.

Maybe "celestial" and "cthonic" yoga both. OK. This IS a rough draft. But it's also my blog, so I'll do it how I want. "Tantric" I just don't know enough about. But say the chakras and the seven planets, seven Olympic spirits I read about......

George Bernard Shaw, on Socrates, quote

"Now it is always hard for superior wits to understand the fury roused by their exposures of the stupidities of comparative dullards. Even Socrates, for all his age and experience, did not defend himself at his trial like a man who understood the long accumulated fury that had burst on him, and was clamoring for his death. His accuser, if born 2300 years later, might have been picked out of any first class carriage on a suburban railway during the evening or morning rush from or to the City; for he had really nothing to say except that he and his like could not endure being shewn up as idiots every time Socrates opened his mouth. Socrates, unconscious of this, was paralyzed by his sense that somehow he was missing the point of the attack. He petered out after he had established the fact that he was an old soldier and a man of honorable life, and that his accuser was a silly snob. He had no suspicion of the extent to which his mental superiority had roused fear and hatred against him in the hearts of men towards whom he was conscious of nothing but good will and good service."

Saturday, November 27, 2010

things going on

had limited internet access and my phone was out. but I am back. Working on dance as well as writing and thankfully getting back into things. Right now I'm a sweaty ragged mess as I am running and training heavily....but feel better, am better. Also more writing. Back into life and the world....looking forward to it. And starting a yoga blog.....

ha satan?

not having been raised speaking Hebrew or Aramaic....my view of "Satan"? now that.....hm.....is "he" an actual diety? As a kid I was terrified that Satan would come out of my closet and "get" me or at least appear.....or some other ghost or the like. I ....it's so hard to write this......thought I had to arrange my bible and this "Stories of Jesus" book my grandmother gave me as a kid exactly right or else I would be haunted in the night. Freudian? Most probably. I don't identify much with "him" or do I? "Sell your soul" for fame and fortune? Ha! Small price to pay.....all bs. There is a reason to question what you are taught and think about it and research, research research. It was not automatically I was able to get right and have the record straightened. Seriously. There is A LOT of noise and falsity out there you must always dig deeper. These are the discussions I used to have with my shrink.....

I watched, with my family at Thanksgiving, a documentary on the French Revolution. It was amazing! Very vampire-like. Guillotine and severed heads.....humans are creative!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Starting a yoga blog? at 3am

320 am to be exact. should have been asleep long ago. today was trying in every sense of the word.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

these are small and pure wax
pure and hard to find
Donna, grandma do you remember?
the Cinderella stories you gave to me?
these made pink and blue, a flower like on a
a bush, red berries

the dirt was cold
I open a bottle of whiskey
sweet vapor stings my nose

when will it be
will it be?
my heart is twisted
twisted without mercy
and I've been bleeding bleeding bleeding

she admires the one who tortures me
she worships these people
oh so pink and oh so pretty
holy holy she fakes it well

the near death
she tortured me for hours with pins
knives needles
and lied, she's good at lying

the dirt was cold
I open a bottle of whiskey
fumes vaporize into steam
sweet and stinging

the night is calm and beautiful
is there no way out of this hell?
will she get it will she get it
you always abandoned me in my darkest hour
somewhere, somewhere there's a rainbow and angel wings
somewhere else there are bats

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Imette, Jennifer

Jennifer Moore.

Sigh. what can I say? This computer is a POS and the space bar isn't working well. ANyway, when I was eighteen I went out to clubs with girlfriends.....we all did. In fact, we went out younger than that. We all had fake IDs which you can get at 42nd St. In fact, most of the time we didn't need them....because the clubs all wanted pretty girls in there. I did really crazy and dumb things I like to think not as dumb I hate to say it as walking around an abandoned lot next to the Hudson River at 4:30 AM. And Draymond Coleman my real rage is with people like him who would take advantage of someone's helplessness and naiveté which he did. I knew people like him growing up. I won't get into the fantasies I've had of what I'd do to guys like him. But the blame is as much with a society which doesn't teach someone like her basic street smarts and shelters her from the real world, also the ambulance that took her friend....what on earth were they thinking leaving a young girl alone while they took away one girl? Especially someone who is five ft two and not thinking clearly and then with these two girls passing out in a car lot on 12th Ave to begin with.....what kind of people are working in THIS place? There are a lot of factors to blame here. I thought watching this....this could have been me or my friends this was such a random and unlucky thing. You just can't count on luck, you know? Or on circumstances being in your favor? Someone said these clubs are next to a highway and abandoned warehouses for a reason.....? Who knows? my girlfriends and I went to a place that was on West 14th st which was not the pretty, tame place it is now....but it was more or less safe to walk around.....as there were tons of people out partying. Yes, we drank. We took the subway home.....it helped that we lived in safe neighborhoods. I would go out alone at super crazy ridiculous hours. why.....who knows? why anything..... also with Imette.....her female companion left her to wander the streets alone drunk. Especially on a (in Imette's case) cold deserted night when they're obviously not thinking clearly. Nice friends, huh? Now they have it on their consciences that maybe if they hadn't abandoned them they'd still be alive. I mean, did anyone ever ask them, wtf were you thinking, leaving your friend alone like that in the middle of the night defenseless.....when they could have split a cab.....Jennifer Moore.....Port Authority was not far from where she was, one of those "if only" things I know, but maybe if she'd gone that direction, stumbled...and gotten a bus to her place well so many things. Did she not see the No Parking sign where she put her car? I admit they're confusing. It was really mean of the city to take her car, too. Knowing she'd be stranded at that hour. Anyway. Also, this all happened I mean with Jennifer Moore right near my birthday. Ugh. I wouldn't leave a man alone, passed out drunk at 4AM either. Would most people? To her credit, her friend said she tried to take her back. For whatever reason, beats me, Imette decided to wander by herself in one of the coldest nights of the year into Chinatown, a very remote part, and drink some more. Being already drunk. Something is off, is all I can say.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

women cling to backward senseless beliefs. women keep their own oppressed. they stick to the past and long for the past de-evolution you could call it. sad. sad world. i've been let down by too many. I wish it were otherwise. Wonder if it'll ever change? Women aren't trained to fight, that's why. Just sit back and nobly die alone like the character in The House of Mirth. If you choose life instead, you're a villain. Where's the logic? There isn't any.

Saturday, November 06, 2010

last night

didn't realize ended.....dark moon in scorpio. that's pretty dark. I went to a tango party.....one of those things I was kind of tired/it was late but my mother had heard about this from the Alliance Francaise. It was a great night.....this party was in Herald Square, or near 8th ave. Not exactly Herald Square. THis part of town is hideously ugly and inconvenient--I've been here at 3AM other times in my life for other reasons. Anyway. It's close enough to where that girl fell of a building. The party was great as was last night. I went with my mother and sister--this red dress I wore and black patent leather heels--They lent me a trench coat which I thought looked ridiculous--I told myself I looked like Faye Dunaway in The Eyes of Laura Mars. Yes I looked good. And no date. Embarassing to say but my "date" for the night, a couple of them, somehow fell through. But whatever. This older man was teaching me to tango. It is a beautiful dance, and the dancers were beautiful. It doesn't look like work but it is. Back in the old days this is how people partied like the Edith Wharton novels and my legs were really feeling it. So at 2 am; my mother and sister had left; I took the train back walking around this dirty industrial part of town, near the Department of Motor Vehicles. I got on the A train after getting coffee, thank Heaven for that, from this seedy diner. Train ....it was the E and I had thought it was the C, left me at the World Trade Center. HOrrors for real. Switched to the C. From that station, around 2:30 am or so, I made a very agonizing and harrowing walk home in those heels and a thin trench coat. Oh I am NOT looking forward to winter! I had read about women in Russia wearing stiletto heels in blizzards and I wished I had my Uggs....try though I may I could not forget the burning sensation in my feet the cold and how all I wished for was warmth and to take these instruments of torture off. Plus, the only people out were killers, really. And this neighborhood is full of hills and cracks in the sidewalk several times I snagged a heel or my shoe came off. After getting in.....there was kind of a smell in my room and the dog; so I had to clean that up it was unbearable. THis morning, I took the dog out which went relatively painlessly. I was decked out to the nines in sweat pants, sweat shirt, my hanging nightgown, and--I had left my Uggs at my mothers and had only high heels and sneakers, so I wore those; a hideous white. I was fashionably unfashionable. Tundra the dog always wants to go to this place on DeKalb which is obnoxiously pretentious and the customers very snotty and annoying; and I'm showing up in my unsophisticated white sneakers and red sweat shirt--my hair hanging every which way. This one couple was there--the guy with kind of black hair and like a grunge, like Soundgarden, look, and his girlfriend; a tall red head wearing an army coat I think, and boots. Most of my boots have been stolen from the locker room. WHat can I do? Tundra likes this place for the biscuits. I got rugulah, a brownie, a light cafe au lait (they do make these right at this place. most of these coffee shops make the coffee so dark it's like mud and makes me sick and light headed.) fed her the biscuits.....the song "Satisfaction" was on the radio.

The night before my mother and I watched "Spring SUmmer Fall" something like that, a Korean film. It was pretty good; all these messed up people in a so called spiritual retreat. Again more later?

Friday, November 05, 2010

dream nearly forgot

it's late early and i need a full night's sleep but this is the dream I had.....

a woman, name starts with a k, came into my room. she was wearing a leopard coat. hair dyed red but roots showing. her voice was high. her hair curly. she was talking to me about someone....we were in a room in a motel. I guess a city one.

then I was in Queens walking with this comedian I met, a suburban part. Then we were lying together naked. then we walked out into this suburb, it was night time. Shrubs around us. maybe it looked like parts of Evanston where my mother studied ballet?

Thursday, November 04, 2010

he was wearing white
the lights were white
inside, brighter than ever
tungsten white not a speck of blue

a floor was washed
the suds, the smell hangs in the doorway
everything in me is raw scraped away
pieces of skin what's left of me
my hands, feet, arms heavy hanging rocks
I am one of her stupid bitch slaves
that she cuts for her pleasure
miss sacharine sweetness tells you
don't be bitter, don't hate the hateful
don't believe her
she is a sick one, a sick human
is there no way out of her?
there is a broom and it's making this way and that
which way is it?
did I confuse you?
and who is to blame
for this sickness

and still walking through here
feel this dust this parcel of air
that could be you
walking by me
the trees are saying
somebody must pay
somebody must pay big time

dry and scaly
cracking like paper
dead listless eyes staring at you
not staring
there beyond and at nothing
it's the worst thing
really the worst
the walls are smeared with red
looks like it could be but it isn't
a hand, a claw, shaped round
grasping at something that isn't there
there was a doll in the crib
eyes staring out blue eyes, same blue same way
you spun around seeming endless
in the basement and on the driveway
someone should have told you something
is there no way out?
you're oh-so-good, aren't you?
it's a deception
no one believes you

what did I ask for?
you're spent, so is your heart

once they were there
a face, face becomes a mask
they walked this place a million others did there

before them
a bag of white
a salty ride
the leaves are green they're growing somewhere
somewhere they're making pasty liquid
somewhere they're singing and dancing

in your dreams, you're naked with him
she appears in a leopard coat
is he saying something?

the sky is an eggshell blue
a midwestern winter
the whiskey was part of it
sweet fumes fill your nose
sweet carbon, then not so sweet
the branches hanging grabbing, grabbing onto you
your right hand behind you
head twisted to the left
is there no way out of this?

a rush of red
there will never be an end

Monday, November 01, 2010

Not to get started on a downer, but today a 13 year old girl was tragically killed by a car. Enraging really.....how the hell could this be allowed to happen? I had a bad feeling.....in Fort Greene Park it was empty at the dog run....just a huge sand circle it looked like a science fiction film. Pigeons just sitting around it. Then flying the way they do in circles. The black cat in the deli on DeKalb was just sitting in the middle of the floor, staring ahead. It's All Saints Day....of course lifted from the pagan holidays. NYC also was strangely cold, frigid and silent, even in the East Village, on what was supposed to by the biggest party night of the year. This woman, she was a pretty young blonde, was pushing a kid back and forth on the swings in the playground. It was making this creaking sound....reeeehhhh reeehhh .....and the kid was alone it just reminded me of the Omen. The kid was also staring ahead and not making any noises. I almost think that's a kind of child abuse; to take your kid to a park to hang out alone, with only her the mother or nanny I'm not sure which for company. It's just weird....why isn't he/she (I think it was a girl) in school with other kids her age?

There is a big kind of baseball circle of sand in the middle of the park. That's where people take their dogs.....but when I took Tundra there no one was around. It reminded me of Gorlitzer Park in Berlin. Part of it.....the size of a baseball field at least.....is a huge crater where a bomb was dropped. I mean, the Nazis were who they were but the other side wasn't exactly angelic; our side. It looks like those pictures of Mars or the Moon where asteroids or comets hit; it's pretty much the same thing. I used to run in that park every day when I was there. I think it was turned into an ampitheater or something. That's what it looks like. In Berlin and most of Europe I have to say the weather would make me crazy. At least here in NYC it gets sunny and hot but there it pretty much never does. It's always frigid chilly during the summer it's at most in the 70s. Berlin was cloudy and gloomy even in the summer. Like the sun is shining but it's cold out....deceptive?

It feels very silent around here.

So I went to a crazy party on Saturday night then last night.....I went to the East Village to pick up something at the store but everything was closed. Took a cab for nothing. Argh! Then I stopped at my mother's where we watched this RETARDED film, made back in the 50s or 60s, about a haunted house. The house looked like the Jefferson Market Library on the outside, and like the places in this neighborhood, a lot like Garrett's, on the inside. Clair Bloom and Julie Harris were in it. The Julie Harris character was really annoying........I don't know why she spent the whole film with caked mascara on her eyelashes and no other make up, and like a permanent pinched expression on her face. She just sat there whimpering in this allegedly haunted bedroom, with all the classic cliche haunted house noises.....banging on the pipes, laughing and so on. You know, ha! ha! ha! The same sounds those dolls sold in Wallgreens make. She would cry and scream, "Go away!" The thing is, the guy whose house it was, can't remember the actor's name but he looked like Oliver Stone, had warned them the house was haunted in the beginning. How do they know it wasn't him making all those noises from behind the walls? And if the place was so terrifying, why didn't they just leave? It was atmospheric, though. It was a beautiful place; hey I'd take it, ghosts or not. Burn bay leaves if there's a nasty ghost in the house. There are so many things you can do.....and it's hard to sympathize with these characters I mean if you're that stupid and ignorant you deserve whatever you get. I'm sorry. There's a ton of information out there on hauntings or I suppose if you take out a Bible or salt .....I was reading the lucky mojo site last night and there was a listing of American folk remedies, used back in Illinois, where my great grandparents lived... German-, Irish- and African-American somehow these traditions merged; not sure how. Really this was amazing; because no one in my family told me about these things; ironically I found them on the Internet. I was reading these articles, downing a few too many glasses of this Chilean Red Wine I'd bought in the East Village. I found these YouTube videos of Memphis Minnie songs--atmospheric yes! This music is amazing for a quiet night; sexy and cool, background stuff. The kind of stuff you listen to, or "people" I guess listened to driving on lonely country roads back in the days. Lit a white Meyers Clean Day candle after washing the floor turned out all the lights. Had time alone with precious peace and quiet thank you very much. Chatted a little online.

There was a picture of a woman I know who has rather a treacherous history with a friend of mine....he is not fond of her from what he's told me. Naturally I can't name names. She has ghoul make up on and is staring into the camera....like a blank dead ahead stare. It is really terrifying, this picture. She had written on her page about what a wonderful life she has.....well whatever. My heart jumped a little when I saw that.

There must be many disturbed souls walking around. Troublemakers. Bah! Garrett's place....this room in the back is always cold and was artic temperature last night. I sometimes think I see faces or something standing next to me. This one time I was on the stairs and it....I thought I felt someone pass me, like a light coming down the stairs. Not a surprise; this is an old building and a lot of stuff happened in this very area. A lot of it was very bad. Call it what you will. The real horrors are in the human living world; THAT'S what scares me really.

The other day, the night I went to the crazy party (big O! ) I had an attack of the crazies.I was on the way when the fucking thing came off in the middle of DeKalb Ave. Right next to Applebees, well why is that surprising? The site where a girl name Chanel was mysteriously murdered....anyway. The "ees" in the sign in front of the restaurant look like glowing evil doll eyes.....that sick glowing laughing look. Like the clown doll in "Poltergeist." Go check it out someday; you'll see what I mean My shoe heel broke. I screamed. I lost it. Adrenaline very high partly as I'm getting back in shape as a dancer must have released (back to my Method Acting training) lots of emotional blockages. I read some very upsetting stuff by a woman online whom I had thought was on the same page as me, and I suppose that contributed to it. I wrote in my spiral notebook or rather chicken scratched the hell out of it whiny stuff but hey I will spill and rage it's my notebook. Still, the person who recommended writing in one is the same one who said disturbing stuff online so I'm thinking am I free? As I'm following her advice but then she said all this stuff that really twisted me up emotionally and is saying I'm not really free a slave when she'd said the opposite before.