I was 23 making a lot of dumb decisions the consequences of I am living with to this day. How I want once and for all to just be free of it. True I was young and confused I didn't know what I was doing. No one is of sound mind at that age. Still.....it was a waste. I did a lot of good things too. But there is something else.....something bigger, fiercer and darker. Only in parts is it becoming clear. I was surrounded by a lot of people who were not well intentioned......just not good people period. Classic alcoholic behavior.........lots of drama, lots of haze and noise......but deceptive. Everything is somebody else's fault. Everyone else is wrong. Everything is your fault, someone else's and never theirs. =
Monday, December 16, 2013
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Sitting in a marble hill chinese food place while my clothes wash and eating my second hot and sour soup I am ......I dunno. Sorry was meant to be a draft. I watched Fargo and Erin Brockovitch two favorite films of mine while I was recovering from illness or rather while I was ill. I saw the second one in a makeshift theater in hells kitchen no longer there.....guess I like this film because I can understand some of what the character deals with though her way is not necessarily mine. Fargo I am obsessed with kind of reminds me of family and people I know in Michigan......it's kind of similar to Minnesota if not the same.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Lots. The heat comes through the vents and I blast the heater. Close the windows as the draft is what started it. I have to be basically incubated when I sleep or I get sick. That's what I love about the old buildings in the east village they are steam heated tiny and cozy. And warm.
I was deathly sick for a week. Waking up coughing. Any exposure to air would set it off. ........said I would be a good girl scout problem is I eat......a lot. I run a lot. Lift legs huff puff then cough out my stomach. Hung out last night at a local club partly work a very sweet acquaintance. I got into these e cigarettes (quit smoking many years ago) but they add to the problem......they scratch at my lungs even if they are not smoke so I had to lay off them as well. The trains aren't heated enough and running in the cold doesn't help but as hell as it is I feel better after running. Mentally and emotionally I was smashed, in a horrible place. I am better. Replaced the flowers guess that made the difference?
Friday, December 13, 2013
They say document oh god yes live in your mind heart everything shaking ........thought you were.dying but rising out of the flames......they tried to kill you but they can't .......some people are worth saving and others are not. A girl wrote once "let them all walk out in front of the bus and we'll run the scum over. There are better people to save." Harsh but hey......live your life being nothing but a cunt, living selfishly and hurting other people, for no reason other than you feel you want and deserve what they have entitled to what? At the end of the day you go home alone you are alone you have nobody except false friends because that's what you attract, you alienated everyone else......
Monday, December 09, 2013
Sunday, December 01, 2013
This is a small walk from where I live.....I went running this morning. The opposite way toward Seton Park.....had my head phones on. I came back and saw ambulances a police cadaver truck, then heard the chopper hovering super low. I knew something was going on.....the whole atmosphere was bad and I always feel these things. For a number of reasons many personal ones it brought out the worst in me. I managed to document some of it......
The sunny pictures were taken around 8 am the others after ten......
Friday, November 08, 2013
Law and Order the "We are no longer accepting....." bizarre I went running through Central Park earlier and took that photo of one of the posh stores earlier.....a guy and girl get shot in Central Park.....so this other girl can get her kid into an exclusive prep school. I .....am very familiar with the uptown crowd that someone would resort to this is not shocking. This was an awesome episode.....
Thursday, November 07, 2013
Tuesday, November 05, 2013
Monday, November 04, 2013
World was ending everyone was dying we were all being led downstairs to what? Hell.....before I was above on earth saying to a friend wonder if in the universe there are planets like earth they evolved just like this one he was saying I'd like to know......underground people were laboring one woman started trying to dance while sweeping it was like a concentration camp dirty dark dusty.....kept thinking is this a joke.....
Sunday, November 03, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
I am assuming the message of this film was a "warning" of sorts to women who thought they could have their cake (beefcake?) and eat it: you can't. No matter what, the world is a very different place for women then men, thus so is sex. You can't simply flip the tables and get the same scenario. Sad, you know? In the 70s casual sex was trendy, I guess is the word. This is before AIDS.....and NYC was very different as well. There were many pitfalls (ooh what a word) and double standards that came with the "sexual revolution" as has been documented by other people. Women discovered, too late, that they were not being liberated the way they thought they would be, or maybe were told they would be, and this is largely what led to the second wave feminist movement. Anyone who is a rational thinker would see that the way to women being sexually liberated is not picking up men in bars and taking them back to your apartment for one night stands (boy I could say a lot more but another time for that).
Rosanne Quinn, whose story this is based on.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
I love candles. However, it is imperative that they be worked correctly and safely. I recommend from having burned many:
1) Don't fall asleep with a lit candle. That's an old superstition anyway. Just for extra safety. Snuff, don't blow, them out.
2) Never leave a candle lit next to a curtain or anything really. Leave plenty of space around it.
3) Don't stand them in the middle of a shelf or under anything.
One tragedy is too many and there have been more than one. Here are some more suggestions:
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
There was a song Lindsey Lohan sang.....I'm tired of rumors.....I'm sick of being followed........I dunno......just prefer to keep certain areas to myself. Space is sacred.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Are stalking me and.....a third has been thrown into the mix. Following me even to personal trips. Reminds me of the Carol Burnett spoof of Rebecca I turnaround she is there. She is not someone I want to see. Ms. Hari Kari is willing to kill me so she can have her beloved and me out of the way. Boy Ms. Are you in dire need of a wake up call! Your beloved sex addict will be off yet again as the next thrill breezes past.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
A woman allegedly pushed her newlywed husband off the cliff.....same park where the opening to the Shining was filmed. It's called Shining park and was the site of a massacre, by the Eurotrash invaders (oh wait, those are my people.....oops.....I am part English descent.....I can always say 'we' didn't do this my folks least I never heard of it), of an American Indian tribe 170 people.....led by Heavy Runner the chief. Nice, huh? In the film Jack Nicholson speaks of the "white man's burden" which is how the English and French explained their practice of invasion and occupation.....ironic since the English did just that to the French and were finally chased out by an army led by la pucelle, J'eanne D'arc. But.....history repeats itself. Had the tables been turned would the Indians have done the same? How much bloody history ARE we sitting on? What aren't we taught? I may be wrong.....I believe the man Cory was from Kalispell.....Kali the Indian goddess of bloodshed. This woman was allegedly afraid for her life according to text messages so she goes to an . Isolated site in the mountains with him.....doesn't make sense......if you're afraid of someone why do that? ......he somehow ended up at the bottom of a cliff.....did he attack her or did she push him .....on July 7 anniversary of Vivien Leigh's death and that was not a good day for me either. A midsummer night's horror show? It was for me.
Three cheers for the red white and blue?
I come here seeking peace.
But it is not.......
Poke poke twist.....some have earned it.
Learning the skillet driven through my intestines indeed J was playing man-fuckhead games two timing me with Hari Kari .....fortunately I woke up from that nightmare.....don't ever want to go through that ever again.....the news that hit me with the force of a knife or a bullet.....shattered my world my dreams my heart and soul my everything.....left to pick up the pieces and never again never again never again.....
Sunday, October 06, 2013
What is that song "key largo montega .....the poconos....." something like that.....
Saturday, October 05, 2013
Monday, September 30, 2013
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
She was awesome.....I love her. Really not what I had thought. Even as a child she did not seem like a child ......she was like five going on ninety .....she seemed very understanding and likewise I can feel for what she talked about.....
People fall in with the wrong crowd and listen to them rather than their heart. That costs them the people who matter to them. They are encouraged to do things that hurt and alienate those close to them. Most of J's friends are decent. He made his own choices. But I had warned him to stay away from certain people and he would not. People's envy, anger and meanness ......whatever it is. Sad that .....