recovery

After two weeks......incredibly treacherous.....someone whom I had known pretty well in Chicago, in another life (that Katy Perry song was on the radio which is incredibly depressing and disturbing) passed away and there were many problems with him but I found myself feeling sad and guilty.....there's so much ...... I felt like I'd let a lot of people down. Well, but at least not for lack of trying. Even when I felt at times like I was dying I kept up journals, kept running, dancing, working, looking for work, cleaning......and kept focused to the point where I was literally physically worn out. What's of the mind uses what's in you biologically. This am I attended a church service which......I don't call myself religious or indoctrinated but more spiritual still these people had been helpful to me at times so I try to give what I can back......so maybe I let him and others down--I don't know why I felt obligated except that --this persistent feeling like--there are those who say if you love someone enough you should be willing to die for them. But if I died it would hurt a lot of people and it wouldn't make their lives better because they would have deep persistent wounds from my absence......so in dying for someone are you really helping them? Someone who will be permanently scarred by your leaving? Or even if you're falling apart it affects others emotionally.....so I felt like I owe it to myself of course but others too to stay together and not come unglued which I could have and nearly did. All due to a person who......or need I state the obvious? I'll leave it unsaid. But this is his doing and I am not about to forget that or let it go. He was also, years ago, the cause, or part of anyway, the pain and hurt of someone else I was close to. He has caused so many so much loss, so much injury.......he's just going to continue doing more of the same until he is put in a place where he can't get away with it. I'm sorry but that's the truth. Yet the wheels of justice are rusty and slow moving. It's sad, you know?
BUT. This person is now officially out of my life. James Woods once made a comment a little vulgar but it applies here. Don't know if I want to say it. It's......