because of the goddamn path trains not running....what jerks. I'm pissed. Three nights in a row I've been stuck til 5am. But one can turn on not good thing around.....I'm bleary eyed, squinty.......ripped apart, pulled apart, scared, really scared. Not like in fear for my physical safety. More like.......the dreams I've been having. As well as personal issues. But the dreams.....I haven't written on them. One was....I keep dreaming about the place my father lived in in Chicago. The high rise. In another life, another world. I lived there. I visited him during the summer as a teenager. After spending time in that BORING house in the hamptons.....sorry. But there was nothing for me there....at the time. I was fifteen, we lived right over 6th avenue and 4th street. Not a place to be for a teenager. How can you concentrate when everyone around you is having a fucking party, all the time? I didn't do well, in school. It wasn't good. I digress. Anyhow, I would visit Dad in Chicago and it's been so long........back then it was a pretty decent place to be. My friends there knew every hip place in town, where all the music and theater was happening, and we were right in those circles. The people in Ministry and Smashing Pumpkins as well as the Chicago theater actors, and formerly among my mother's friends the creme de la creme of the journalism and social world were all circling around me. Indirectly, but there you are. It's a small world there though.....so......
I am not in touch with any of these people any more. You know. It's hard. Chicago is a gorgeous city (with an ugly name) and has much going for it but there was something about New York which pulled me back. Something just wasn't right I couldn't put my finger on it.....I had to return to NYC. That was how I felt......then. Actually it's how I still feel.
So in this one dream I had.....about a month ago.....really bizarre. I'm in my dad's place, the high rise. He had moved there from this creepy basement apartment he'd had with a spiral staircase leading down to the basement of hell, it must have been....one which gives me nightmares. I used to see stuff there. He had a water bed. Truly scary this basement. The walls were exposed brick.....red, of course RED. I dreamt once I was sleeping on the couch...cause as a kid I'd get scared sometimes, go down the staircase from my room upstairs to sleep on this couch he had had by the bed.....I dreamt once I was sleeping there and Satan came out. I guess at the time Satan was the boogyman or what have you. I know there are those who view him different. But that's how I saw him then. Really this was like the sequence in Rosemary's Baby.....but anyway. So. He moved to a high rise overlooking the lake. Dad I mean. It was scenic, and dull. It overlooked a swimming pool that belonged to the building across from us. I'm not a fan of high rises. But I'd stand on the balcony summers and watch all the pool bathers. .......a TV and living room......where I'd watch movies all the time.......led out the door to this. So .....in this dream I'm digressing again please chalk it up to sleep deprivation, being stranded, extreme pressure and......what I'm about to write about.......this guy, an actor......I won't say who it doesn't matter......he's auditioning actresses. Some women walk in....they are fairly well dressed up, like for an occasion. One of them goes out to the balcony and vomits. I think we're handed a script. I ask this woman sitting next to me, who is ....she seems Eastern European, what this is.....is it an audition. Before this....I am constantly dreaming of Lake Michigan....constantly. I am speed boating through the lake, through the park there....the water is warm, it's summer, then it's icy, then I pass cat o nines or something......then back to this apartment. I think.....just after Sandy.....I had another one that I was in this apartment......and Lake Michigan flew in in a tsunami......all the way up to where we were (22 flights up).....this could all be, according to Freud, a sexual sublimation. That must be it.
So
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