oh lovelies

Thursday, August 27, 2015


Sorry for the delay. The past few days had me on a mad chase to get some stuff done and deal with some issues, which haven't been fully resolved. 

I read an article about a girl who is suing a basketball star, or some such, saying he drugged and raped her at some point in the past. She never reported it to the police, which is a major strike against her, and this is suddenly surfacing some years later with nothing to back up her claims, apparently. For the life of me I don't understand why some women don't report crimes against them. I know the police are a corrupt institution, or at least highly imperfect. Yes there are "good cops" but there has been rampant abuse as well. Still, that doesn't change the fact that if you are in danger from someone you need to get a record of this and as much as possible to back up what you say or who the fuck will believe you? You have nothing to validate yourself.  When I was attacked two months ago, as soon as, thank God, I managed to escape the first thing I did was go to a pay phone and call 911. I had to tell the police who were all men in explicit detail what he did to me: he raped me orally and forced me  (under threat of serious bodily harm or death, or that he'd go after my friends and family) to perform degrading sex acts that I'd objected to many times as well as other stuff (ugly, horrible, some other time for this.....forced me to watch kiddie porn, bestiality...... sick and disgusting which I had always said I objected to without exception because I do. I am a person of ethics and have an active hatred for any kind of art which degrades women; and I am no fan of anything or anyone that abuses children or animals and anyway that's a felony; ) and filmed me on his phone while he was attacking me. I DID NOT consent to any of it and had refused before he attacked me and, believe me, there's no mistake, he knows I didn't consent. The police didn't believe it was rape since this is someone I'd been involved with and discouraged me from going to a SART nurse though the paramedics came as he'd hit me and spit on me repeatedly, pulled my hair til it was in knots and tried to strangle me. He'd told me this was only the beginning and he was going to basically torture and repeatedly rape and then kill me, then himself. The only thing that saved me was, because we were in his car, he was leaving to go into the apartment that he was staying in and told me to follow him saying if I left he'd find me. I said nothing merely nodded and when he got out I dressed, got out to follow him and he'd refused to give me my IDs and stuff that was in the back of the car but I managed to grab it quickly then he told me to walk behind him, and I did, but turned on the next corner and went to the phone and called 911. Every time I write about or talk about this I relive the hell and being that.....we had hung out many times and it's true there were drugs involved I know it's not a good thing but that what it was I can't deny it. However; I had made clear I wouldn't do certain things and repeatedly objected to the horrific videos and refused to watch them. I hadn't wanted to talk about any of this same as with Ted I had originally wanted merely to walk away, move on, and hope this situation would resolve itself somehow, but that didn't happen, and I had no choice but to go public and talk about it. I'm withholding names right now but people responsible know who they are. I'm writing about this for my safety so if I disappear it will be well known that it wasn't an accident; that it was retaliation and vindictiveness on these people's part. The world needs to know and women need to be aware of what's out there and that a crime is a crime; bottom line I have to fight even if my defenses are few; and at the time I had none; it was only by the grace of God and spirits I got out alive and with only a few bruises; and let it be known I am simply not going to take any shit. Neither should anybody. There are Web sites out there, such as the repugnant Dark Web, which post live "snuff films" of rape, murder and torture of women that they've been stalking and conspiring to to this to for a long time. There are men out there (some women, unfortunately) who are seeking their next victim, and the SVU counselor told me they look for someone vulnerable, who won't be missed, who they think is too timid or meek to go to the police.....if this person thought that about me he was wrong. I agree with Loolwa Khazzoom that women should be allowed to and encouraged to carry firearms. For protection only, not to harm someone for superfluous or no reason. There are many people hiding behind false identities, which much of the time they have carefully crafted; fake avatars, proxy servers; knowing if they get caught they will go to jail and because deep down they are cowardly losers, who arrogantly boast about hurting defenseless women, children, animals.....anyone who they think can't fight back and because their feeling of power comes from thinking that they will get away with it. And furthermore, here this ain't Saudi Arabia. America is far from perfect but we do have civil rights here and for good reason. Two of my exes are facing jail time for rape and another has been credibly accused by a number of women across the country of the same. These crimes are under reported in the media oftentimes but I'm telling you they are a colossal problem, not a minor side issue that it's often treated as, that is not going to go away. I've read some forensic psychology and one of the theories is that these people are somehow emotionally regressed into an infantile stage obsessed with immediate gratification, thrill seeking.....and have an inability to control impulses and have a need for a feeling of power, even if only a temporary one, despite the long term consequences. They are sick. Many of them regret what they've done but due to their illness feel they are unable to stop. I was told by a friend that many men who watch kiddie porn are themselves married with children, and there are cases of women raped by their husbands even after decades of marriage and even though they have children together. This was also told to me by the SVU counselor; There are..... I'm sorry, but I'm telling it like it is..... there are men who have girlfriends and wives who are serial rapists. Know what you are getting yourself into and heed the warning signs. It
.....the lady paramedic was very sweet and supportive and this person was taken away in handcuffs and I got a restraining order against him. Following through on this has been a harrowing and tumultuous ordeal and I didn't trust people before but now I know not to trust anyone. This person I knew well for years and had thought was a friend even though he'd been abusive to me before it was never to this degree and followed up with apologies and him swearing he wouldn't hurt me and such. He has serious problems and it's very sad because he is capable of better. For two months the fallout and aftermath have been hell at times but there has been, which I'm grateful for, good as well. Despite that I was discouraged from it, I went to Bellevue later and got a rape kit done and they were all quite nice and supportive. I don't enjoy writing about this and dealing with prosecutors, counselors, medics.....yes it's horrible to have to relive over and over what happened but repressing this is dangerous and harmful. Later, I was hospitalized and had a cat scan done. My hair is still in knots.
But reading about this alleged rape lawsuit infuriated me. I don't know what happened that day, I wasn't there. No one does, and therein lies the problem. There are people who will do anything for money including bring false allegations against someone and a frivolous, fraudulent lawsuit thinking they will get rich quick. Another case in point is those two women who tried to sue the management of the building that burned down on the lower east side even though they weren't hurt when there were people who died from this fire, people who nearly lost everything; they are a disservice and disrespect to serious and valid cases like mine and many others. The counselor also told me that she had talked to a girl who escaped the "Long Island serial killer" and is naturally traumatized though thankfully she survived. Others did not, tragically. Keep records of where you are, let people know, because there is real shit out there. This guy hasn't been caught. Don't walk down isolated country roads or alleyways or streets alone at night if you can avoid it or, once again, let someone know where you are. At times I pretended to be on the phone with someone; I mean I lived in Bedford Stuyvesant. Don't get so drunk you don't know where you are or what you're doing; I was waiting for the PATH train once and there was a girl who was dressed up like going to a party; who was seriously drunk or maybe she'd been roofied, and these men were making vulgar comments at her; I gave her my shawl because she looked cold. I got on the train when it came and she remained in the station; God I hope she's ok. Another time I gave money to a woman who said her husband beat her up and she was pretty badly injured I saw it. I had to call the cops another time in White Plains because these men were following a woman and pushing her around. This is unacceptable. People who witness crimes like this or hear screams of help and DON'T call 911 and do nothing are, in my opinion, equally monstrous and equally guilty and belong in jail for this and legally that makes them an accessory. The girl (Sarah Coit) who was stabbed a few years ago; OK I'm revising this: conflicting reports. One person heard and called the cops apparently there were others who knew what was happening yet did not. A little confusing. But honestly if you witness an attack like this and CAN call 911 but DON'T well I already said my piece. 
It's not for no reason that I watch crime shows and have seen enough of Law and Order, SVU to know what to do if stuff goes down. I've read some criminal law and forensic psychology like I said. Ignorance is bliss until reality comes and bites you in the ass and I am someone who needs to know what's going on. I guess I can't just go with the flow and hope everything works out and I never had the luxury of being able to assume that we live in a benevolent society. After being bullied in elementary and junior high school and people choosing to divulge stuff to me I guess I became privy to information most people don't know about. I wasn't able to put it out of my mind and move on like I'd wanted to. Some people I had the bad fortune to let into my world; that I admit is where I fucked up; but they did not seem "bad" they were very likeable and charismatic on the surface; turned out to be damned nasty in reality. 
BUT there are others who were good to me and I haven't forgotten that either. I owe these people a lot. Of course I'm grateful for that. But all these things that are surfacing now: the scandals; public figures in high places that stuff about them was unearthed.....for so long this was under the surface and a deadly virus that was corrupting everything. It's very scary and emotionally I'm shaken up from writing about this and dealing with this but despite that things need to be said.

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