sitting in what was cafe figaro with a friend of mine, back in high school. you could still smoke in restaurants then, and me, little tramp! did. i got ashes in some french fries and he said it was vile....
taking acid at sixteen and seeing myself in a rhinestone studded black shirt in the mirror, with my boyfriend at the time. he said, you're so pretty, and look at me. then going through thompkins sq park which was not then what it is now, and the trees suddenly looking like they were going to eat me, or tease me....like in candyland, the game I played with my parents as a kid. someone gave it to me for my birthday...I was like one or something, and whispered to my mom, it's really boring. my mother kind of laughed at that....
playing candyland which WAS really boring, even for a one year old....
then in the park at sisteen, second time i took acid, the same feeling ....reminded me of that game where we moved our pieces on this curly walkway with different color squares around the board.....feeling like I'm on this twisted path here there then I'm gone to the other place.....will I ever get out? and there are bright colors and sugar but I may never get out and I have to get out....get out.....feeling myself sinking into something. I don't recommend lsd.
the first time i did acid at fifteen with my friends yaz and these two guys, staring at his psychadelic painting which was twisting and opening and leaking listening to jimi hendrix and not wanting it to end but knowing it would. talking to my dad on the phone....I"m at Tauno's house.....who????....tauno...he's uh, what's your number? fireworks going off above me. I managed to hide that I was high.....
finding a napkin at my dad's in Chicago with the name "tona"
the first thing I ever bought? i think I was five and bought m and ms from the local store.....
I had the record Saturday Night Fever.
The place we lived in at that age in Ohio....was haunted. I used to see things there. Say it was in my head, but I never in my life saw this stuff anywhere else. Until recently. I saw an alligator head staring at me in my room. I woke up to find myself in a jungle, then three creatures in my room telling me to come with them. I ran out of the room and shut the door. I could hear them. The cats were out in the hall with me. We had a neighbor who was allegedly into Egyptology. I told my mother about this years later, saying I heard stuff in the apartment. She said, I never told you this, but I think the upstairs neighbor was a hooker. I used to hear the bed at night, above us. I said that's not what I meant......
I would try to fly. I would jump off the bed trying to stay in the air. I didn't know why birds could and not us. Of course I always fell back down.
endless dreams of water. And of flying.
recently....going for a job interview at what turned out to be an escort agency, which was on a boat. The scene from Rosemary's Baby came to mind, where the guy was yelling, "Typhoon!" and the black guy tells her she'd better go down below. Then I meet these two guys, one white one black. I'm apparently supposed to fuck them so they can tell clients how good I am. THe black guy says aren't you going to show me your tits or something?
I didn't stay. Nor did I allow myself to be "tested."
When we moved to Evanston, around age seven, I found myself wandering around alone in the main part of town, and went into a little shop where I bought a small gift .....the lady explaining to me what tax is.....
Today, on the train, this Orthodox woman and her three daughters. They intrigued me. We smiled at eachother. The girl in particular....she knew I wasn't feeling ok. That I was bothered about something.
Lake Michigan in winter, in Evanston, where I lived from ages seven to twelve......it was brutally cold but beautiful. The lake would turn to rainbows and reflected silver. We were knee deep in snow, walking to school.
This year, going to under st marks flipping saying to a friend i need to talk to you and tripping over one girls foot who called me a crazy bitch and the willie nelson look alike thinking i meant him....
an Indian restaurant which I've gone to for the last ten years or so...where you can get chai tea for $1,
A purple sparkly bag I bought for my mother's birthday present today..........
being up at night and asleep during the day.....where I feel a constant urge to collapse.....
going to donate blood and being told I'm anemic and need iron.
A French restaurant where I went with my mother and sister and Sonny where we got steak frites....yeah I feel guilty eating meat but that's the problem with Eurpean food it's not vegetarian.....
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