I'm really trying to stay upbeat on my blog but I can't help the fact that the world has problems.
That said, I'm really upset right now. Last year, I went with some women from the Redstockings group up to Albany, to the NOW conference, to campaign for them to endorse our resolution for universal health care, supporting HR 676. Long story short, everyone I talked to, collecting signatures, supported this. But when we got to the floor, these women, who it doesn't take a genius to guess they must have had an ax or two to grind, basically ripped our resolution to shreds, changing key words like "independence" to "security," taking out the word "men," and other things like that. They also nitpicked over small things, and got very hostile toward us, but what it comes down to is they weren't going to support anything that eliminated (another word they took out) health insurance companies. One can guess why they felt so strongly about this. Even though we had a huge consensus among the masses of women (and men) there, when it came down to those in charge this was too cutting edge, or something. It was a real struggle to get other groups I was involved in to attend meetings about this subject or take any interest in this. Now that Michael Moore's movie is out, which makes pretty much (I haven't seen it but I can guess I think) the same argument, this is on the table, this subject, and those people who wouldn't come to a Redstockings meeting are railing against the US system of health care and shocked at how much better, you could say, it is in pretty much the rest of the world.
So I was in the store, and some people.....white, probably like upper middle class, people you wouldn't have seen in this store in Brooklyn even a year ago, were .....this guy was talking about how he did French theater, or something. It was him, another guy, and a young woman. This guy starts going on a rant, "Michael Moore is an asshole! He just throws stuff together and ....." makes something like "what he calls a documentary....." and then he was talking about how the European system is failing and crumbling, a basic myth that Redstockings pretty much discredited.....you could say that's propaganda.....and this woman had a look of horror on her face, like it must be really awful, we're really under attack now.....America.
A few months ago, I went to this gym in Brooklyn Heights, the first and last time I'll ever set foot in there. There were these (probably) rich white women in there, and one of them was saying something like, "And he wanted me to operate on him, and had this attitude...." and another woman said, "What kind of insurance did he have?" And she said, "Awful insurance." And this woman said sarcastically, "Medicaid!" And the other said, "It was worse than Medicaid...." and I was so offended at this conversation. I don't use Medicaid, but I know people who do, and I know what it's like to have to basically go through volumes of paperwork and, as a self-employed single woman, prove that I deserve health insurance, pretty much. Redstockings made this whole argument about how health care is a feminist issue, yet it's being attacked by women--they for whatever reason worship this system we have like it's God; it's almost sexual, their devotion to the American way. How are we ever supposed to progress if this is how things are? Women hold women back. What can I say? I've dealt with this all my life. But they do.
I have hope. But I can't ignore this, the fact that .....I mean so many women who are feminist don't want to go on this subject or criticize women or say that they oppress other women because that would be suggesting that they deserve to be second class, or something like that, or that solidarity should be unconditional, uncompromising, and that we should view women as nothing less than unyielding, fighting. Well, what can I say? That simply hasn't been my experience. They're not revolutionaries, most of them. They're just not. Am I being mean? It's not out of a desire to attack that I'm writing this, it's just my experience. They just don't want change, not major change. They don't try to change things.
I realize most of the men I fall for tend to be gay or bisexual. When I was a teenager I spent a great deal of time in the gay and lesbian community and still do, even though I am mostly straight. Occasionally I'll be interested in a female but I am very picky; I pretty much prefer men. I don't ....in this film Sorority Boys this girl says, "I thought by going to the other side I'd be getting away from all this. It's exactly the same story." Maybe so. But I don't identify with straight culture, I don't have that many straight friends. And I....I can't stand most straight men. I just can't trust them. They've never given me any reason to. Even my exes would go after anyone who was the far side of attractive, even if they were my friends. They didn't even wait for me to leave the room....then they wondered why I ended things with them. I can't see myself in a relationship. I hear the same story from one woman after another about what men did to them. What will I do about this? I can't live this way, you know? I'm just in a foul mood. Maybe I shouldn't be writing here, maybe I should keep these thoughts private. They're not nice ones. But life is not always nice. Maybe I should go to the movies more, I need to treat myself, in small ways.
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