True north? Or roulette ...

It's easy to see the bad more than the good.....when you're in it. Once again I am sorry for behaving badly. I was caught in a tornado I had.......it was more than I had ever been prepared for. Nothing made sense. I was very savagely attacked for no reason.   My mom and her then husband and I.....I was around ten. . It was the best of times it was the worst of times. I know it's been said ad nauseum.......but true in my case.....she and Jon (sorry to drag up the past!) had a fight to end all fights. I heard, rather than saw.  This is while we were visiting his parents in Cape Cod (the birth place incidentally of J's ex .....). One  carries the legacy of the past. From The Tempest: "past is prologue." Also in the film JFK..... I was weird then too but otherwise a typical kid from the Chicago suburbs. Mom and Jon fell out......sad you know my grandmother was dying.....I was a child fortunately shielded from the horrors of cancer but I guess I sensed underneath the surface.....my mom took me on a side trip to NYC. Spur of the moment. We weren't impulsive people my mom is a pretty meticulous planner.
But it happens.....I read a biography of my hero, Natalia Makarova, where she talked about spontaneous random acts like that shaped her life, despite her plans and projects. Pause. But remembering the past clarifies the unspeakable horror of the present.....recognize patterns. "If the moon smiled, she would resemble you/you leave the same impression/of something beautiful, but annihilating" Sylvia Plath "todestone/I should leave you in the center of my forehead/and let the dead sleep as they deserve." And I crawled out ....when I was in Edinburgh we were made to watch these bizarre Japanese films about people being swallowed by the bed..... Very scary fight. Then mom took me in the car, driving to? I was bored and restless.