oh lovelies

Tuesday, April 07, 2015


why did that come to mind? brainstorming for images to post? Maybe because it's bright green and full of citrus and a part of me though I showered feels dirty or smudged, I don't know.

Reading Jodi's handwritten diaries brought with a glare the summer/fall and J and what I went through. J is alive, albeit in jail.....yeah I did love him and he me in his bizarre and demented way. But it wasn't to be and I needed to move on. He? desperately needs help but what can I do? But Jodi's journal lines out so well what happens to people during the grieving process.....the shock, sadness, feeling of being lost, your world turned upside down.....you have to psychologically distance yourself, shift zones or whatnot, because what it is in front of you is.....what you simply can't face. And being  feeling betrayed by someone you believed in, that you were willing to give a chance in your life. It's just horrible but you can't face it "I'll think about that tomorrow" Scarlett said because it's impossible to face or deal with it now. And sensing something.....but it not clearly defined, you're left without answers and in your mind endlessly going over details and frustrated .....shaken up really. After so many months I finally moved on. Sometimes I feel anger at what he put me through how I was thrown into .....you don't have answers and no one understands because they weren't there there's so much more to the story and what's out there is at best incomplete, at worst an absurd blatant lie. Being in a pile of rubble and the only thing to do is yet again dust yourself off and move on. From what's obvious and also unexplained, why me? why me? Some other time for that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What do I do? What do I do?

Dreams of J. Visiting him with my mom and sister. Her purse gets lost. Up and down stairs. Looking for it.

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