so....what happened?

to these people.....from high and junior high school. I was on the Web and for the hell of it started looking up names of people I was once friends with but haven't seen in years. And years.....like this girl Jen from high school, who was very pretty but troubled, but through no fault of her own. She was beaten, by her father. She left our school to go to her local one but hated it there. I miss her, and it saddens me to think back on those days which are way over, the past now. But thinking back I can feel it like it's happening now.

Or another ex friend who just stopped talking to me....although I didn't try to repair things, either. But I can track her, because her name registers when I look it up. Jen...I only found someone with her name living in Brooklyn. I really truly hope she is not living with those same parents.

Do I really want to see these people? I almost don't want to know where they are now, or to see their faces older. But thinking of her brought those days back so strongly and I'd almost forgotten....

update: it's been a while

No I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth. I'm fine, for the most part, for all that I'm menstruating which is very tiresome to go through. Right now I'm putting, or attempting to put, music on my ipod which is Fleetwood Mac (the Tusk album....my favorite personally!), Kim Wilde, J Geils Band....yeah all this stuff I listened to as a kid I'm still listening to. I'm obsessed with this stuff.....back in elementary school my dad had a neighbor who was a promoter for a record company. He got all these promotional copies which he'd give my dad, which I'd listen to. This is some of the stuff....

I love this music, still. Not that I don't listen to modern music, but I'm obsessed with the 70s and early 80s, which were really an extension of the 70s. I also got Planet Funk, a modern group. I don't listen much to rock music....

So for those people trying to contact me at laurasaiter@earthlink.net, I'm no longer at that address. You can get me here now: lauramsaiter@gmail.com.

Sparkles.....love

thinking back

As much as junior high was a horror show in many ways, strangely I am feeling many good thoughts about it in retrospect. There were a lot of great bands just springing up and that's what I remember most. But it's something else, so hard to explain. There was something really powerful ïn the air" just don't know how else to describe it. Something sexual. When we left Chicago for NYC when I was thirteen my mother was regretting that she'd made a hasty decision and given up her independence, and my sister wasn't born and knows nothing about this, never knew things any other way, but I remember. That must be why we're so different. But I never once regretted leaving Chicago. I felt absolutely......my shrinks and school counselors would tell me how "traumatized" and messed up I was by being upsurped out of my environment, i.e. Chicago, and my parents' divorce....but I am telling you I felt no remorse whatsoever about leaving there, and that Republican school I was in. I don't miss the kids, black and white, who ganged up on me after school and against whom I was forced to fight, or the ones who made comments about my protest of animal experiments on cosmetics. To be honest, people resented me because I'm smart and so is my family. We read and didn't watch TV for the most part. When I have kids, they won't watch TV. What's the point? I saw through all the layers. That threatens people.



I knew NYC was the city for me when we moved into Sonny's West Village apartment. People may think....I didn't grow up with two parents and a white picket fence atmosphere and I certainly view the world differently from people who did, but I don't consider myself "damaged" because of that. I don't see how growing up with parents who have to stay together, like my sister and mother did, is healthy either. Or in a household where the woman is under a man's rule. This is part of what Bush calls "family values...."



But....there was something really positive about my first year in NYC, full of hope. I made friends I still have to this day. There was a very strong connection. I live in this town for a reason; I must belong here. I need to live on the coast. Some of the people from those days, I still feel close to them even though I don't see them. I do look back on that period all the time though. Certain people I had feelings for, I really believed in. I still do.

love religion

I always am bothered by how people turn other people into God. I think, they're people, their fame is man-made, as is the media. Or rather hu-man-made. But I understand in part how people feel. I've turned some men into God. I turned them into Jesus and expected them to save me. They didn't, though. They fucking didn't. I always wonder, to those that want me now, where WERE you when I was buried alive and had to claw my way out? So why should I feel grateful for your attention now?

De Beauvoir wrote about how women have no religion of their own. But men become that. For gay women I suppose it's different, but I was raised on Cinderella and to believe in Prince Charming who will take care of you. In spite of the women's movement and everything that came with it most women are still waiting for him. But the years have gone by and he hasn't appeared, and the ones I thought were turned out to be......even if I was in love with them another part of me lived in fear of them. A sterile hell.....that's what she wrote. I'm disillusioned. What can I say? The story is, there' s no Prince Charming, face reality. You wake out to find out the man you married turned you into his slave. Once the wedding's over.

street harassment

I am wondering if I.....today it was so bad it made want to never wear a miniskirt again. Constant whistles, leers, "hey how are you"s and it's so fucking endless, endless. Yesterday I was walking around the downtown Manhattan area with my mother who has bright blond hair. We passed construction sites (yep, a cliche but sadly there's truth to it) and it was unbearable, the invasion of space by these men. I know it's not all black and Hispanic men (or Middle Eastern) who do this, but in my neighborhood, Clinton Hill/Bed Stuy, it's out of control. I'm not prejudiced and it's hard to write this because I really don't want to get into a nasty place here, but the reality is in these communities it's horrible, incessant. And physical attractiveness plays a role here, a big one. No, actually, when I was walking home there was this white guy turning around and staring at the women who passed him, like checking them out. Frat boys too......so, it falls on all races and classes. And I'm thinking, I actually have made myself less attractive in the past to avoid this attention. Plus, I was having a rough day to begin with and feeling really unsexual. Sexual harassment is rampant, still, and how do we escape it? And if it's not men on the street it's men in the higher levels, ones with real power, who can get away with it. And women are criminalized, along with gay and trans people. We can go to jail for having sex. We're damned, if we get "compromised" when it's men who created these situations and put us there--but we get punished. But it's not hopeless, just a never-ending fight. One hurdle is climbed, only for there to be another. Still, if we don't, we might as well just go back to the feudal days. This is intolerable, this situation. I can't take anymore, and I won't. One of these days a woman is going to go ballistic on these men man it's only a matter of time. And for big-chested women; I don't know how they take it. If I so much as wear a tank top I have to deal with stares; it's so bad unbearable. What should be do, go out in nun outfits? Why is the human body made to be this bad thing, like we're bad for showing it? Cause that's what it amounts to.

I will never be a slave

and I won't be a victim. Like the line from American Beauty where Annette Benning says, "I refuse to be a victim"

I refuse to be a victim!

I made a mistake before and stupidly believed in love and relationships, not knowing the hell and degradation they really are. I have no faith in love, romantic love. Men just turn their women into slaves. I will never believe in it again. I'll tell my daughters not to.

what is it?

I'm so angry....maybe cause of an incident with my family last night, cause of the situation with D in which I believe I was tricked, terribly, the treatment women get by men in public, or even women's treatment of each other......the inequality that exists when I was raised and told we're equal, our problems are solved, so don't complain, don't make excuses.....

and by and large, none of that was true. We were told a big lie. And it's not new, either. We were always told that. Maybe it's the liberal vs. radical debate, that's part of it. I don't see myself or women as "peacemakers" and, really, if you have eyes you can see the world is not peaceful. That's a lie, also. But meanwhile, people are in pain, the problems of life are real, and there's no end to it. I don't feel serene. Maybe I'm alone in feeling this way. But I'm not. I was raised to be loving, forgiving and kind, but I.......am nothing like that. Am I a disappointment? I don't think I'll ever feel kind and at rest or whatever it is I'm supposed to be or feel. I don't want to feel that way. I am not that way.

you're a feminist when

you realize your personal problems are not just yours individually but political, and you stop blaming yourself for the bad circumstances you're in. You don't blame yourself or shame yourself if you're raped or harassed. You don't blame other victims. You stop telling yourself and others that things will get better once you try harder or change your attitude.

Why is it after all these years men are still in control in relationships? Why am I made to feel grateful when they call? Or shamed if they don't? Men have too much power; it's not that easy to go to war with them. It's overwhelming. But that doesn't make it right. I've just heard and read one horror story after another. There needs to be another movement. I just don't know how it will happen. Sisterhood was blind, too general a concept. I wish that the world were a peaceful place but it's not; to keep lamenting how it should be that way is just turning a blind eye. I'm not at peace, my family never was, the world isn't; the pain is unendurable at times. But I am mad. I have had enough. I made a mistake with these people and I can't just say what's done is done: it's tearing me apart and I need to do something. I don't know what. But I do.

hiking

A week ago I went with Garrett up to Cold Spring in upstate New York. It's a super cute and charming town. We rock climbed and hiked.....which was exhausting, dangerous and scary.....but it was helpful to get out of the city for a day, into the countryside. It was really crowded, though.....as it was a Saturday. I did this on no sleep practically, as we had to get up around 5am. I've never rock climbed before and wasn't planning on that....you're taking a chance in this place and people have fallen to their deaths here before. Or, you can get seriously injured. I got stuck a few times, as it was nothing but a wall of rock and nothing to hold onto. At one point a voice in my head said, whatever you do, don't look down. Garrett saw me and yelled out, "What are you doing there? That's dangerous.....that's a 500 foot drop. Stay in the lines [the white guiding lines which were drawn in various places]." I got out of that.....fortunately. In these circumstances you have to listen to your intuition, and I don't enjoy being afraid or in high places. Garrett told me people get vertigo from looking down....and it was up, up for five hours. Next time I'll bring better clothes because I'm very sloppy here, and not prepared, and hiking shoes which I almost bought before.....but I'd do it again. I don't think I can handle camping for long and being without heat, and running water. I desperately needed a shower afterward. Anyhow......here's what was recorded of that experience:



There's also an abandoned Welsh farm in these woods that's allegedly haunted; it looked that way anyhow.

We also saw hawks and eagles flying above the mountains.....stunning.

sick of being eroticized every time I go out

I went to Cafe Pick Me Up where I go all the time. I'm tired and starving. They don't have much of a selection. On the train, in a restaurant, fucking EVERYWHERE I have to deal with "attention from men" and I'm sick of it, and really mad. I have to deal with being stared at, men deciding if they want to hit on me or not. Being rated or made to feel grateful that I'm wanted. And every female treated the same. But too often, women contribute to it.

At this gym I go to, this girl was sitting really close to a guy in this skimpy top, and giggling while talking to her girl friend, while this dumb jock type was leering at her and practically hovering over her. Hello? No one deserves to be raped, but in America that kind of body language and behavior makes these guys think you're loose and it's only a matter of time before one of them puts it to the test. I hear one bad story after another, like someone I know being told by a guy, "In my country, women will always be inferior." But women too often don't resist. What I read of de Beauvoir says that women aren't trained to be aggressive, political.....and it's up against men who have thousands of years of martial arts, politics, engineering, and nation building behind them. Women didn't create cities, rocket ships, governments, armies.....or the CIA. Sad but true. All we've done is ape men, and that's considered equality. De Beauvoir wrote women have no religion of their own. So many women are narcissistic, and stupid.....so just trying to get respect in public is an uphill battle.....and the women's movement....the problem is they underestimated their opponent's strength, so they suffered a big loss I mean sorry but it's the truth. Still, change is possible. I think those working to create justice in the world will always be a minority and encounter huge waves of resistance and anger along the way.

De Beauvoir also wrote of how women will throw themselves at religious statues without stopping to think they, and the churches and temples, are man-made. The same way, today, they throw themselves at celebrities without stopping to think they're human, that the media, photographers and reporters are all human, that their image is manufactured. They degrade themselves, but that used to be considered virtuous.

Cause now as ever, women aren't valued for intelligence (there are too many brilliant men in the world) but for youth and beauty and the ability to raise a child. Child rearing is hard work but children are exhausting to deal with, and we're under pressure to always be pretty but makeup gets smeared, the bag, no matter how expensive, gets torn, stolen or worn, the clean house gets dirty the next day, the washed dishes will pile up in the sink in an hour, sauce spills, nail polish chips, and really women's work, the work that's necessary for survival but is uncreative, leaves no individual achievement, is endless and eventually mind-numbing. I've worked those kinds of menial jobs and at the end of the day I was too tired to think, and always bitter and angry, and afraid. The work is unrewarding, and you're existing on the lowest level. So because women and slaves were around to do this work men could study, write, draw, do math equations, take long walks with which to think, design cities, buildings and rocket ships, and trained to be aggressive, not decorative.

tonight Felix da Housecat

I just got back from Crobar I'm so tired now but it was so rad. He is from Chicago and watching him and the people he was with took me back to when I was there but it was freaky too cause now every time I am outside NYC I'm out of my element.

But these people were awesome and so was the show!

symbols?

I walked around Times Square where someone was selling those plaques with people's names on them. It makes me sad to see that, cause I feel for those people selling that stuff. But I see all these names in flowers and trees, but then there was a plaque with his name on it, the only one against a backdrop of the NYC skyline, with the World Trade Center in the background. I almost started crying, I mean, how fucked up. Why put that anywhere, or next to someone's name. I think that's a sign I just don't know what of.

I haven't gotten closure in this thing. I feel like it hasn't ended. I can't stop thinking about it. I want to know more, there's something significant going on. It'll come together at some point.

Then, I was on 1st ave near 3rd street, the corner, and these people were getting into a car, and they mentioned something about a black star. Just talking about this stuff freaks me out, occult stuff, but I studied numerology, and 1 and 3 is 13, plus those two words.......

then I saw a guy that looked like him, and the word Stone was right behind him.....

I just have to write this down. I'm a little weirded out by all this........

fed up with men

OK, I know there are some decent men in the world. I have to keep saying that. But I'm really mad right now. I always have to watch my back with people, men or women for different reasons, and I can't be in a relationship with a man without wondering his intentions, like if I'm being used, as a body. It's so hard for me to believe I'll be happy, with anyone, and I am losing more and more hope because nothing I do individually will really solve the problem. The world will be what it is. But my youth turned out to be a constant battle against some idiot trying to shove his hand down my pants and take whatever he could get. How stupid I was, I could have used some guidance here and there. But I had none. A relationship to me is a kind of death sentence, and I hate the thought of being married. I can't understand for the life of me why any woman would want it. But if I'm unmarried I'm looked upon as a poor thing, and people will always wonder why I'm not married. I had my fantasies as well, but my relationships have all ended unhappily and my mistake was allowing one man to have me I wish I never had. But I still love and hate the same person. But I think men turn women they're in relationships with into slaves, and they're all cheaters, they're all pricks. I feel like it's a curse, a terrible one, to be a heterosexual female. I may never say never to a relationship with a woman but I'm not gay; still, I don't know how I can ever feel happy anymore. I rode the bike home and was harrassed three times in 15 minutes. I yelled at them but it won't change them; they'll still do it over and over. A part of me wishes I could be at the Dahab hotel with him and crawl into bed with him with the space heater on, I long for that, so much, so much.....but it's 6 am and he's not here and I'm in Brooklyn, I'm wondering if I'll ever get out of here and I HAVE to get out of here. I was not sexy tonight I was in my helmet, glasses, ugly sneakers but, yeah, I rolled up my pants cause they were getting caught in the chain, so my leg showed, but, big disappointment, I was NOT trying to seduce any of these men on Flatbush Ave. I find it fascinating how women are turned into criminals if they go out after 1am, or whatever the time is, and how men treat them as if they deserve harassment, as if they're punishing them. I was NOT walking around in sexy clothes in a drunken stupor, as those women who were raped and killed allegedly were. That still doesn't make what happened to them OK. But if I complain about these guys, like to the cops, they'll probably say I brought it upon myself.

take back what I wrote

I said to my friend last night, my problem is, I don't fall for "nice guys." Men know this, that's the problem. Not that there's any excuse for bad behavior, but my friend said she has no interest in men who bring her flowers. Men have said to me, women don't like nice men who love them but as soon as he starts treating her like shit that's when they love these men. Not completely true.....

So D was the only one I couldn't manipulate, well not totally, but it doesn't mean I'm a victim. I refuse. I learned from the brutal past. I'm pissed. I'm not OK. But I learned.

ok Houston ready for countdown four three two one

Earlier today I was listening to the KLF song "Last Train to Transcentral" and I've been reading de Beauvoir where she talks about transcendence.......

I'm taking a chance reprinting KLF lyrics. Justified Ancients of MuMu..... so.....found more pix as I finally got my digicam set up.....

Here is a cheerpic where we all look like we're throwing up.


In another, this is the Hollaback event, and I don't know who the guy in the white shirt is but he's cute....:)


This was all a mystical time in my life. It was May of this year, and I was living in this beautiful apartment which I had to leave, as it belonged to this woman lawyer who was moving upstate with her boyfriend. I loved this place, it reminded me of the apartment in Choses Secretes....

ÖK, everybody lie down on the floor and keep calm...." KLF Sample


















Guess it doesn't look like much but I didn't get the brick wall.....I just love wood floors. It's my dream place. That pic of me is around that time. That was around the time D was telling me there's something about me that makes him want to force sex on me or otherwise be really rough.....I mean, what is "forced sex"? Is that rape? Was he serious, it was only me he felt this way about? Or was it a conniving manipulation on his part?

another pic from then: was fucking around with the camera


Later on, D would tell me he fantasized about raping me.....this time he said rape.....he said, he visioned us in ä room" somewhere where he just "takes" me. I'd say why don't you call me and he said, what, ask, can you come over here so I can rape you? I laughed, but he looked like he wondered why I was laughing, like he was serious. But later, he'd say, Ï'm just messing with you...."I figured he wouldn't really do it......you know.....


And I fell in love, so in love, with Columbia U, the campus, gorgeous, with such awesome people.......


Later, when I was assaulted, I went back to that same spot the next day. It was under a car that had a University of Michigan sticker on it....and he's from that town....


I'm a radical feminist who fell in love with her rapist....I'm not unaware of that irony.......


so here're some recent pix.......








This pic looks like kiddie porn, not that I'd know, but like some offensive ads I've seen.....


This is me as a wannabe raver....














This is my good friend Luca, a very nice person:









This is my kitty West

Finally this is me outside my show, Happy Hour.

I used to be obsessed with the KLF. I won't print their lyrics here cause I don't know the copyright laws, ect. I listened to The White Room thousands of times when I was living alone in Park Slope often with only a dark window.....right when I started dating Al.....

D I miss you I love and hate you.....you went through me like a knife.....how can I ever recover? I can't. I can't pretend I can. I want to beat you up, too.

It's not meant to be, not this time, maybe not ever.

dyke march

I found this photo on flickr.....my crazy cheering days.....not over yet.....



I'm in the black bikini top with the braid in my face.....the camera is merciless adding weight....

LIstening to Sasha and Digweed and Oakenfold

I just love DJing and this piece is fucking super amazing......beautiful


DJing fascinates me, it's hot. Religious. Sexy. Awesome.

See me in Happy Hour Fri November 10

7:30 PM 141 Ridge Street Manhattan

Take the F to Delancey

or the J or M to Essex

I'm waiting to see if I have clearance for the Plath play. I hope. I pray. Please, whoeve's out there.......

what I wrote last

Was really harsh I know......maybe it was the end of a long day, but I was feeling victimized. I suppose it's what I went through two years ago, where I felt like I wasn't getting recognition for all the work I was doing and well, you know, that just isn't right. But I can see where I did wrong as well.

I deleted what I last wrote. I do have bad mood swings. There's something disturbing in the air right now. I can't wait....I want to get out of here....I hate winter. I need a warmer climate. Maybe DC. Maybe I'll visit my friend. But this weather is so gloomy and creepy. I'm freaked out in general.

I can't forget what is around me

It's my nature to be critical. I won't lie to myself and pretend the awful stuff in the world isn't there and just live in my happy bubble. I would love to see peace happen, but it's not. Maybe sometimes violence is necessary. I am pissed, I'll say that much. Sometimes you have to fight, and I believe the world has malevolent stuff in it. Sometimes you have to hurt, though I don't want to.

Where should I go?

So I am loving life in NYC but reading about these music tours depresses me cause I think how much else there is out there and I'm just....a speck.....and there's so much of the planet I haven't been to. I was watching this clip of people performing in Argentina....and I was looking at the crowd....so lively, full of "love"as one girl described them. I'm thinking, they look so beautiful, and I'm missing so much. So Argentina is one place I was thinking of but there's also Egypt which I'm getting flashbacks of all the time. I'm missing so much of that as well. Time is going by so fast, so fast. Or Ecuador, maybe? Maybe I will consider Thailand.

Love Ballad To Person X Who Will Probably Never Read This

Please come back to N YC I'm up wasting time and I found your myspace page. I know things are fucked up here but it's not hopeless we have some fabulous plays going on here but mine is the best hands down. WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED??????? Please get a divorce. I know that's not a nice thing to say but really it makes no sense to me. I have fantasies of you, sexual and otherwise.

Needless to say I couldn't send this. I need to think of something brilliant but it's not coming.

But just after writing this and listening to some of his songs, I looked at my door and saw a very scary face staring at me.......kind of like when you see something that looks like something, so hard to explain. I wish I had an explanation for it.

So my friends don't understand the attraction and don't share my feelings but too many others do.

AND I'M NOT WAITING FOR YOU ANYMORE. I'm done with it. So cry me a river you had your chance and you chose her.


But it's my fault too. I was afraid. I'm afraid now. Why is that?

Not only do I have sexual fantasies of you, but others....like of you coming into my wedding and shooting the groom, and guests, a la Kill Bill. I can't get that out of my head. That's sick, right? Guess I'd like to think you couldn't bear me being with another, but you don't have to worry cause I don't want ANY relationship now. After 12 years of relationships believe me I'm so done. You're still competing though.....you have your suitors but I have mine too. So don't fuck up this time, OK? Neither will I.

The East Village no longer exists. It's the same thing that happened with Soho and the West Village. It's too complicated to get into here.....but this is America and nothing is free. I don't think it should be that way. It's so hard now to live in this city if you're not rich....not on a trust fund. With rents being what they are, it's impossible to live a laid back lifestyle here, and Non New Yorkers wonder why people here are so frazzled, so unfriendly, not looking strangers in the eye....well don't take it personally. In this town, a stranger could rob you or slit your throat, and we have bills rent lives counting on us....there's no time to waste.

But it shouldn't be that way, should it? Is this living? There's so little culture left. Rather, there is, but it's running against this current of really fascism. In the film JFK one of the characters talks about how fascism is coming back, and in the film Caberet there's the scene of the Nazis and people in the restaurant singing together.....and well, history repeats itself. It was like this in the 80s too and really the revolutionaries of the world have to face the fact that they're a minority. Why do people seem to accept the lousy bread crumbs thrown them, like women voting Republican or saying they're not feminist. I was shocked to hear about women, now, in 2006, who go to pimps or, well, don't get me started. But this phenomenon fascinates me. The cutting edge scene of the East Village is gone, but it's also CBs'....the punk scene needed to evolve with the changing times, stay united and fight this but they didn't. Maybe it was a conspiracy.Still, it's sad to see the East Village turning into the suburbs, pretty much.

sorry it's been a while

Oh boy can't believe how long it's been. A LOT has happened. On the down side, my cat got really sick (West, my male cat) and had to go to the emergency vet. I just barely got through this: it's going to cost two grand altogether and I just barely was able to get it. In fact, I went through hell having to co-sign with my ex and his jealous girlfriend making a scene at this place....

On the up side, I think, knock wood, West will be ok. But this is so expensive and most people don't have that much money and what will they do, in an emergency? This has changed everything for me. Last year, another crisis changed my life and now this has also. I think it'll be ultimately for the better but it's exhausting to go through. I imagine I now know what having a child will do. And I do want one at some time. But even having these lives depending on me I'll never again be free like I was in college, living only for myself. Attached to animal lives are human lives, and what I do affects many people and many animals. I am no longer a child, because I have all this now. I can't just take off and go somewhere when I want, as easily. I am going to have to work much harder than I have been already; plus I finally have an oppurtunity to do this show, this play, so it'll be that on top of everything.

But on a better note, I took kickboxing and a "video dance" class this weekend, it was awesome, awesome! It was really hard, really hard. I passed out last night as soon as I got home, which isn't good cause I have so much work to do. But I really love it, and I think I'm pretty good for a beginner!

one destination

I think I'll cross out is Thailand, since I was at a Thai restaurant where the waitress was a gargantuan bitch, and very nasty to me. Maybe I did something wrong, but she still didn't have to get that way. I mean, why should I go to a place where I'm apparently not welcome? A part of me wants to see the rest of the world, but today, the past 24 hours, have been extremely trying. I do have my parents' temper and if I'm overly provoked, really if I feel I'm not being respected, then that sets me off. But there's only so much anyone can take and everyone is entitled to a certain amount of courtesy.....and there's just so much. It's like I'm getting a tremendous amount of hostility from people I am trying to help, and it makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. It's awful, awful, to be the target of that. It will never sink in, I'll never get used to it. It's like being stabbed in the back as soon as I walk away. Not only that, but there's still so much sexism everywhere and it's like, what is ever done about it? People protest but it still is rampant, impossible to get away from. Everything from these offensive videos to men leering at women on the street, on the subway, it's sick, sick. And they never apologize, but make excuses like it's nature and they can't help it. It's absolutely rampant, like in my neighborhood which is heavily black and Hispanic but it comes from white guys as well. These men only get even more hostile and threatening when confronted, and too many women are ineffective in dealing with this problem. I had to go home from the exhaustion, emotional, of being faced with this today. I made a cocktail at around 4PM, drank it in three sips, then smoked the rest of a joint someone gave me. I then fell asleep, after writing a little, and dreamt I was looking at pictures of these two men, and while I looked at one, I said to the other, it's so cute that you're jealous.....then the lights went out. I was running around my room trying to find the switch, and when I found it and turned it the light still wouldn't go on. I was in bed, got up again to turn it on, and the room was black. I said, I want to wake up, I want to wake up.......then I did wake up to see at least light in my window.

trips

I'm ready to take my first trip abroad in almost 2 years. I have to work like mad to make the money. I really want to go to South Africa but it's terribly expensive, so my other options are Argentina or Thailand or back to Egypt. Of course, there are many other possibilities. I would like to spend more time in Egypt because there is so, so much there and I barely scratched the surface, but then again there's the rest of the world.

NYC Weekend hell

What happened to all the cool, artistic people in this town? There was always the "Jersey" set, but it's like Invasion of the Ants now. I'm sorry to be so vicious, but these people are equally vicious. I'm really mad. Last night was a disaster. I went to Pyramid and ugh ugh they changed the music to this z100 cheesy "remix" of all these 80s songs. I've heard better music in elevators, or at the Holiday Inn in Ohio.

With CBGBs being priced out and every other place, we're going to have Mercury Bars on every corner, or.....what's it called?....Bennigans and stuff like that, and nothing else. The situation is sad but there's literally no end to it. My friend witnessed something awful last night, that I don't even want to mention. I'll go into this more later.

Then, on top of that, I was reading this "artist" zine I picked up at a local coffee shop. There was this article on how Red Hook is an "up and coming" neighborhood" and one always knows that when they see "a young woman sitting on the steps with a laptop...." or something to that effect. I have been in Red Hook and there are families there who've been there for 40 years or so who are getting displaced from their homes. Red Hook is an entrenched settlement. I just find all this immoral in the extreme, and I can't stand to be around it. It's soul-deadening. I think this country is a lost cause and maybe I am better off in Berlin. At least in Europe, the governments and societies are pretty left and people have legion more rights as citizens, and that is considered a good thing there.

Stuff to cheer, or protest

Assaults on women and the queer community happening in this city
Gentrification, and how the punk haven is getting replaced with these stupid bridal boutiques everywhere (a la 9th street)
Situation of Middle Eastern and Muslim women
Evictions in the city
Closing of CBGBs
Racism, classism, sexism (will there ever be an end to it?)
The state of NYC radio

moods

I am not going to go into mysticism here because I learned my lesson before about taking this public: I only was misunderstood. But I seem to get into horrendous moods during the new moon. I was born on a new moon. And I tried and tried and tried for hours to contain myself but today I was once again provoked by these really annoying people G's roommate hangs around and I finally lost it. After dealing with one mess after another from the animals, a bad night before in which I missed seeing Felix da Housecat, no sleep because my cat kept me awake, finally L's brother said he was upset that I left and he needed a flyer that's when I snapped. I wasn't prepared for fifty people to come into the apartment and I was tired and stressed and A insisted on opening the curtain after I closed it and, Jesus, everything has to turn into a fucking argument! So I finally got pissed and when I'm provoked I can get hysterical, and I did. I went into the park and unraveled. I was crying hysterically, all from last night's fucked up-ness to this dancer saying to me, "Thank you so much for standing there with the flyers" like what am I, their servant? To people I want to see not being around to everything from not being able to charge my phone or send a text message or even talk on a phone because of the trees in the way to the monumental task of how the fuck do I do my taxes or apply for health insurance to fear, always always that. And wondering how I'll get to South Africa cause that's where I want to go but it's expensive and then I have to sign up for classes, buy a new passport, sign up for cable or wireless or fuck I don't know I just need to be able to use a computer cause that's life or death with me, to a DVD being late and I haven't even watched half of it, to not getting around to seeing a movie or seeing my friend like I'd planned and I SO wanted to just get out of town and I started sobbing, in the park, thinking, I have to get out of this place! I can't stand it! I can't stand living in this fascist country where we don't even have health care or child care or even birth control, if the arch conservatives get their way. In a place where we are not free to do what we choose with our own bodies and are considered criminals if we do certain things, to the fact that these universal entitlements are taken away from us here and anyhow.....to the fact that I went on this travel web site bootsnall, that I used to go on all the time, and it was a depressing experience. This girl wrote, something like, the worst film I ever saw was JFK and I'm just not into these political movies. Yeah, Jessica Simpson is your idol, I'll bet.....really living life on the edge here. This is why I stopped going on this site because it was such a discouragement, to see people talking about really pale stuff and always feeling, afterward, alienated and frustrated. I mean, how can anyone, if they're breathing, especially if they're female, NOT be political in this climate? I can't figure that out for the life of me, unless they are somehow benefitting from this administration. But I just have no comprehension of female conservatives, who don't think women should have rights. At the NOW conference they were handing out these buttons saying, If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention. Even among the so-called radical cheerleaders I remember one of them dismissing one of the others because "she's just so angry, it's too much." I mean, isn't that the point? There are many gradations of anger. There's mindless venting which, while it may be justified, is immature and there's a lot of that among many would be activists. But there' s "righteous anger" which is going under the layers and saying, things are bad, and that's not ok, and that's radical. It's getting late and I'm running out of steam to write this with but I have to unload this stuff. There'll be more later.

more pix

This spring, when we cheered outside Bluestockings, near where D is. That's all I kept thinking: we're in D's neighborhood, what if D sees us. But I never saw him. It was that awful cold-while-sun-is-shining spring weather. I was kind of peeved that I didn't see D.
I'm listening to Paris Hilton's CD right now. This is the only music I have at present.

"What would you do

if I tied you up with duct tape?" He asked. "Would you call the police?"

I saw someone who looked like him today on the train platform. He looked at me. It wasn't him. There was a street performer singing, "I'm in love with you...."


There was another one I visited. He had pictures facing down in his apartment; a dead giveaway that he was hiding something. By the time the night was winding down I was a little afraid to see what those pictures were. He began shutting doors....."I have OCD." He said, "I want to show you something." On his computer were pictures of him next to cardboard cutouts of various celebrities. "Now look at this," he said, lifting the pictures from face down on his desk. I was afraid now, my stomach nervous at what those pictures were. I was thinking of Rosemary's Baby, where she sees the marks from missing paintings. Or else he's hiding a woman from me. So he lifted up the picture....and it was of him standing next to a cardboard figure of George Bush. The other was of him and one of Bill Clinton.

Sometimes I worry

That things are getting worse, not better. I don't know who to trust anymore in the activist community. See link:


http://dir.salon.com/story/news/feature/2004/02/11/cointelpro/index.html?pn=1

there's something dark in the air although it's lifted. It's Sept. 11 anniversary or else the "demotion" of Pluto or I don't know. But across the ocean in the Middle East, women are being assaulted, stripped of their rights and what is being done about it? Where is our free speech? Our right to criticize our government, our constitutional rights? The Bush Administration seems to believe it's a sin to distribute condoms in Africa, enforce sexual harassment protection laws, is harassing sex workers (so many of them poor women, or just period there's no alternative that earns a livable wage) and on and on. It's endless. And women like Ann Coulter, don't get me started.

today

It's my mother's birthday, who was at Ground Zero when the towers fell. She saw everything. Happy Birthday Mother! I think there's just so much negative energy associated with Sept. 11 it's still lingering. Today has been so fucking bad, for me. My cat made a mess in the bathroom and of course my roommate complained (she wrote a note she could have just called or knocked on the door but I know, it's my problem, my fault) and I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt I was in a cemetary and someone was telling me (a voice) your father looks like this now (a corpse) you want to see him? There was a corpse in a grave. I was elevated in the dream, looking down at the corpse. I was trying to look away but then it felt like it was right next to me, back on the bed. I woke up panting, as dawn was just starting to hit.

movies

I watched Dolores Claiborne last night that is such an awesome film! Everything from the direction, acting, script, style......brilliant. A woman's film, psychological thriller. I love these kinds of films.....wish I could find more. Especially I like watching "older" movies.

I'll never be cold again

I DON'T want to be here for another NYC winter. I hate winter, can't stand being cold. That's why going to Miami was such a relief. I told the person I was staying with I'm sick of being cold and he said that's exactly why he moved down there. Miami is expensive maybe if I go to the other side of the equator so it's their summer, and I've never been there anyhow. Like Thailand (though I think that's north but it's still hot) because they need the tourism. Or South Africa, back to Egypt, Argentina, just somewhere not cold. Cold makes me sick and depressed: I've lived though enough winters especially coming from Chicago. The summer was too short. I still want another beach day.

The street and barriers

I shouldn't, but the temptation is too great. I decided to take a walk from Brooklyn to Manhattan across the Brooklyn Bridge. Remind me never to walk across there again. I love walking across the bridge, walking period. When I was in Indiana I would run and walk for hours with my dad's dog, and it's a great place to do it cause there's the countryside with the train tracks and all this yellow, like corn and wheat fields, and the hot sun.

But here in NYC at the end of the summer, if that's what this is, there are NO New Yorkers in the street or on the bridge. The only ones who are are these macho guy bike riders who are the other side of the coin: not caring who they run over and speeding over the bridge when there are families with children and dogs around. But the people are also rude: they don't move out of the way for people who walk faster than them and take up the whole bridge, so that there's nowhere to move and you're forced to walk behind them and even then they don't make room. That's just rude, rude. My pet peeve is people who aren't considerate on the street. Maybe it's my own personal space issues which are very strong, and even more intensified, if that's possible, after my assault. Or maybe it's from elementary school when I was followed and assaulted by other kids, male female white and black, from school. But my heart starts beating really fast and I go into high adrenaline mode when people step into my bubble: you can call me neurotic or hysterical but that's how I am. And I just will never get used to people, honestly from different countries or cultures, who walk into others or don't make room for them on the street. Some people have said it's a political thing: like they walk into people who they don't respect or think are inferior, or like eye contact it's confrontational, or passive-aggressive or hostile; but more likely it's that they aren't conditioned or something to establish barriers or they don't have the same concept of them but call me prejudiced (though that's not my intention) well, what can I say? I am bothered by it. I just don't think it's right. I don't--I can't accept it. It's psychological I suppose, but I can't stop seeing this kind of intrusion as confrontational and threatening, because it so often is.
Like I was walking with someone last night, down a dark street in the Village, and she wondered why I have to cross the street when these two guys were walking very close behind me. As I said before, I will never get used to people who are stangers getting too close to me, especially if they're walking behind me, and I don't react well. Like I said, in the past that was how I got assaulted then and now. When guys are walking closely behind you, or women, or whoever, it's NOT ok or good. I know this. And especially I don't want to be on a dark street with guys walking closely behind me because that's exactly what happened when I was assaulted. I mean, women who aren't cautious about this stuff.....they wouldn't what? Even try to resist these guys or not even be alarmed when they're walking toward them? Fine, get raped then. I'm sorry, but please learn some street smarts. I don't know how, that night I was assaulted last week, I --no actually, I noticed guys walking closely behind me before and got away. Also, ten years ago when I was mugged, the guy snuck up from behind me. It's a survival instince and I would say pick up on it or face the consequences. I am being harsh here, but I happen to know I'm right.

I guess it's hard to deal with people who aren't used to New York living and it is just a drag, emotionally, to live with this as I found there's no changing people.

feeling better, somewhat

I've been in pain, physically and emotionally, for the past few days. First it's the injuries from the assault including muscle cramps which are excruciating. I've never felt pain like this. I took 4 advil at a time and that's the only thing that works when it flares up. I may have to go to the doctor.

Then, I ate some pasta and felt nauseous--don't know if I suffer from a food allergy or something. I went for a walk for like an hour or so.....just can't sleep. During the day I want to sleep and at night I can't sleep. That must be why I'm obsessed with nightlife because that's my instinct. When I was a little kid I watched the Amityville Horror at night and also, when I was really little, I saw things in my room. Maybe that's where my insomnia comes from: because I was always afraid something would get me, so I'd be up all night and all I could do was read. Then I'd have an hour's worth of sleep and have to get up and go to school and I guess I was pretty fazed out that explains why everyone thought I was spacey. I thought I had to arrange all my books exactly right or else "they" would come to get me. And the movie was just.....for two years I was terrified at night.....that blood would come out of the walls. And during those years I think I lived, in school, completely in my head, and had no idea what was going on around me. I would read a book and miss the bell, miss class. For long periods of time I don't think I spoke to anyone.

I'm guilty

Of course I live in me and I'm biased, I'd like to think I'm always right and blameless, but I know I can be a massive cunt on wheels. I sometimes think, I wasn't raised to be mean; I grew up reading Bible stories (NOT to be confused with the right wing Christianity which most people are familiar with) my mother taught Sunday school.....I've fallen out with most religion, if not all, but I still believe there's Something there. But I was raised on these ideas of selflessness and kindness but what happened? I've been angry, on a short fuse, and at times venomous. I guess I really don't enjoy hurting people; only some have done bad things to me so what choice do I have? Some people well I have to admit they have it coming to them; people who've done horrid things not just to me but to anyone who is innocent.....in some instances I believe, I know, it's necessary to use violence. I think maybe those people deserve to be hurt. But by and large, I don't want to hurt anyone, yet I do. I get into moods, and I was so stressed lately about everything but now that that's somewhat alleviated and I can breathe, for now, I am realizing I didn't really want to be mean, or hurt anyone.

That said, there are people who made such a fabulous contribution to my life and changed so many things for me who I don't see. Why is that? That eats away at me. It's hard not to feel a certain sadness in the midst of happiness that they're not here. But what can I do? Those people I never, ever intended to hurt or offend but it seems like I did, or else they're just flaky or that's just the way things have worked out or something.

But anyhow, I'm starting to feel the pull of travel. I just want to go....wherever, but some place warm. I need a getaway that is stress-free, relatively. I haven't had a real vacation. It is cloudy here and not warm and I'll miss summer, I still want to lie at the beach in a bikini; swim for hours then sleep on the beach. Summer is too short! Maybe I belong in California after all. It will be a tremendous load of work but I'm ready to take off again.

The stages of drinking

My mother was talking about her grandfather, Grandpa Michinsky, who is actually not really her grandfather. Her actual one divorced her grandmother to marry another woman.....but anyhow, Grandpa Michinsky is the one she grew up with in Alma, Michigan. He was a drinker as was her father. She described the first stage as one where he was dancing and singing, dancing with her and her brothers. The second was the "great guy" stage, where he would say things like, "So and so down at the plant....he's such a great guy; just a super person...[ect]", then third was, I think, the staggering around the house stage, and finally, the fourth, where he'd be yelling (or more like slurring-yelling), "Alfreda [my great grandmother] I'm going to divorce you!'


She said he'd be at the bar with his drinking buddies and Alfreda would go after him, saying, "You get out of there!" and trying to pull him out of the bar. Later on that night he'd start saying, dragging his words, "Alfreda I can't stand it anymore."

I don't know....where am I going with this? I guess cause Alma Michigan always seemed like the middle of nowhere to me, and I'd always feel lonely and creeped out in Michigan, like we were the only people there for miles and miles. It gets really remote there and whenever I was there I really couldn't wait to leave. For me, I was hardly ever around anyone under 50 except for my mother. Occasionally my then step siblings would go with me, so at least there was someone my age. As we drove through all the small towns we saw all these people who were overweight, and my mother would talk about "all the fat people."

So going back to Evanston and the beach was welcome at times.

But then now I met D in the Lower East Side, who's from Ann Arbor.....so the world is smaller than I thought.....and there actually is someone else besides us from there.

When you wonder, I should have or could have run right then but instead I stayed and this is what happened which wouldn't have if I'd ran

I was sweaty and panting and had walked from rehearsal at 23rd street I had the address but.....

It turned out to be the Trump Tower. I went in there in flip flops and a raggy skirt and everyone was in heels really dressed up I wanted to turn around was afraid to see him expecting someone stuffy to open the door and say, "Get out of here; you're a slob." I dress up occasionally but most of the time I don't like to.


As I was waiting for him to open the door that's when I had the urge to run.....but I didn't. I stayed. He opened the door and was......I was wondering if he'd tell me to leave.....but he was.....kind of goofy or something......and just stared at me for a few seconds....and then....I went in there.


So everything changed after that, sort of. But then I got the wrath of Mother and Sonny, assaulted on my block, terrible muscle pain, and, conversely, health insurance.

I'm tired. These past few days it felt like something really negative was in the air. I'm trying to be upbeat and optimistic; I am an optimist I hope. But I have come to accept that there's so much I can't control. But I worked myself last night to total fatigue as I so often do and mornings I can't get out of bed......though I did this morning, only to face another bad situation. Even the astrological chart says today is not good but what can I do? The rent won't pay itself and no one will get me out in the limelight if I don't.

But I'm still waiting for this to end. It's cloudy and I"m sick of the rain, sick of being wet and cold.

I see you everywhere see him everywhere

So D has been coming into conversation with me and my friend and I'm seeing clues of him everywhere and everywhere people who look like him. A few days I got this email with this message:

Whatever I do, forgive, and believethat I have loved you. The drawback to going away, murmured Adrian, is the having tocome back.


D is in Fiji and I don't know why I can't forget him or V. I can't get them out of my mind.

That email was part of this chain spam I don't know what emails I've been getting on my Yahoo account and I get more and more of them constantly. It's like this novella someone is writing that they're sending to strangers.....it's getting annoying. Yet, this isn't junk it's meaningful stuff.

I'm trying really hard to become enlightened now but there's so little that I'm inspired by, everything feels, this isn't a nice thing to say, almost God-less. I'm trying to put things back together. But I'm so uninspired by what is around me, with a few exceptions, like certain music videos. I guess I need artistic inspiration that's what is lacking now. A play a film a book something I have so little time just for myself. Or erotic literature. I'm debating whether or not to post my sexual fantasies....which could be comic in a way.

me and punzy!

That's my kitty who my mother got from the Southhampton shelter, Punzy. I think most of the time pets look like their owners but I'm not sure about me and her.....I guess.

how do you love someone whose great love affair is with themself?

Way back when, a few years ago, I hadn't done enough homework on psychological traits like narcissistic personality disorder or sociopathy and I believed that it was possible to change people. Like if I asked my roommate not to do something she would get the idea that it's wrong, it bothers people, and try to stop. Instead, we're talking about addicts here, the whole thing was turned on me, they made me out to be the wrong person, crazy, a jerk, a dangerous person......they don't see their own faults and attribute criticism to someone being out to get them, to harass them. In other words, they don't change no matter what. Psychology 101 should be a requisite for anyone in the work force. My life would be so different now if I knew then what I now know. A part of me sensed something wrong with them, but I also felt like I myself had failed, done something wrong. Someone who is shallow will not understand something like philosophy, or art film even; but instead become vindictive to others who see their game and call them out on it. OK.

It may seem to some people like I'm being negative or pessimistic. I see it as the opposite: by laying the bad stuff on the table, I'm creating the possibility of hope, of survival. But life is not all sugar and I'm not going to pretend everything and everyone is great. That said, this is last night's dream: This is a recurring one; the math class I'm about to flunk and my mother has the same dream.......


I'm in college and I've been taking three classes....one of them a math class that's required for graduation. It's near the end of the semester and I realize I completely forgot about any of these classes, particularly the math, and I'm thinking, how will I ever graduate much less go to grad school now? I'm ready to talk to someone and ask if there's any hope now of passing.

Then, another recurring dream, I'm on a plane, it takes off.....there's this girl, basically "dyky" who is the pilot; actually, she was this girl I saw on the train station earlier, to get the L. I think I'm moving through different parts of the plane but finally sit in front and I'm trying to figure out where we're going. Finally, we start to land, but she misses the landing spot in the airport, and lands against the wall. I'm thinking we're going to crash or at least get banged up.....but we land somewhat safely, unharmed.....



then I woke up.

my privacy stolen

That is my life, my privacy, and I'm a private person. I guard my personal stuff like I guard my body, and this invasion is as bad as a physical rape. I trusted the wrong people...is it their "narcisissim" or whatever it is but my life was stolen from me. And that really is unforgivable. I trusted the wrong people with secrets and the very wrong people got hold of what is most sacred and private and important to me.....in the hands of bad people. How did this happen? How could I have allowed it? How could I not have known? I'd like to think I'm blameless but I'm not yet I'll be made out to be the bad one, a person with no morals a lyer a cheat well guess it takes one to know one, n'est-ce pas? That's French.....
But there's a line in the film Choses Secretes that goes something like, "That's the tyranny of human nature. We want that which eludes us.......The femmes fatales of history were either narcisissts or lesbians." That's so often how love goes?

assaulted

So just after that last post I went home from the Village, getting off the train at Classon Ave, and long story short, walking down Skillman between Lafayette and DeKalb all of a sudden I saw these two guys walking closely behind me, and I walked faster, but then they jumped on me I started screaming my head off not knowing what they were going to do.....the guy put his hand over my mouth and I managed to scream anyhow.....somehow I stood up and he was holding the strap of my bag......still screaming I pulled away and the strap broke. I got out of my shoes somehow, and ran barefoot toward Dekalb. There was a cab there so I ran toward it.....a guy got out and said, what happened? A woman said, I'm calling the cops, are you hurt? Only scraped but fortunately I'm OK, OK. It could have been so much worse. I just went through a few hours of dealing with police, who were pretty decent, my roommate, as they took my bag which had my keys, my IDs, my cell phone, thank heaven Garrett was home and had an extra cell so I switched over the number, but these assholes, those guys, have all that personal information on my old phone who knows probably they won't use it but that's not public, that stuff.....I was lucky, lucky that people were around to help. I had thought this city safe but I guess it isn't. I don't know what to do really. I don't know what those guys wanted, to rape me rob me who knows. Two guys got assaulted where Garrett lives, and this is an expensive neighborhood. This is just one more headache I have to deal with but it's serious: no more games.

August 25 is the anniversary of Dad's death, also, and this just adds insult to injury. I am fearful of a "next time" and will it be worse? Is it just a random fucking thing or what? No, no no I won't wear heels walking home at night, I'm lucky I could get out of those shoes and run. They were those little slippers you buy on the street. It could have been so much worse. August 25 that's just a bad day, I'm looking forward to it ending.

obsession and fatigue

Endless wondering: will so and so call are they mad did I alienate them what are their reasons what motivates them waiting and waiting the curse of love. Easy to say: I'm not gonna wait anymore no matter how much I like someone, and no matter how I try to alleviate it I end up waiting again. ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! Simone de Beauvoir wrote of love being potentially hell and I know what she means. I actually miss David was thinking of him but I'm also jealous that he's traveling. Now I'm looking at the food channel and shots of Paris an absolutely gorgeous, breathtakingly, city. And wanting to go back, to go somewhere, wherever! South Africa Colombia California back to Egypt.......

Always feeling tired like I'm going to faint when I'm outside and there's an endless laundry list of Stuff that needs to be done yesterday so badly wanting to connect with someone but also wanting NOT to. I'm eating chocolate which I shouldn't but I have endless cravings for it cravings period plus well periods of feeling like I'm going to pass out then suddenly not being able to sit still. The doctor told me I'm borderline anemic.

It was Tolstoy who wrote: all happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own unique way. The events of this past weekend are tragic but also absurd to the point of being almost comic. If everyone is famous for something I wonder if we'll be famous for being weird, and I ran into Sonny on the train....he just looked at me and didn't even say hi just really creepy, like foreshadowing. I am getting A LOT of foreshadowing plus seeing people who look like V and D plus .....I'm looking for clues but have none, for now.

the last post

Was melodramatic I know......but well I was upset. I don't have time to go into it now.....but I can't understand why my mother and Sonny don't want their kids to have full, rewarding and happy lives. Someone who is a total social misfit dominates Samantha's life and it's so sad for her, because she's a normal person and she said to him, "I don't want to be like you! I want to go out and have friends and have a normal life!" And what 19 year old wants to stay inside in the woods on a Saturday night and who in the Hamptons comes home at 2AM on Saturday? Mother herself was complaining to Donna last weekend that Sonny always goes out of his way to spoil anyone's good time, so why is she taking his side this time? Are they jealous? What is the point in being in the Hamptons if you're not part of the life? It's depressing going to Bridgehampton Polo and not being able to get into the VIP tent and finally I meet someone who I get along with and who CAN introduce us to the life and Mother and Sonny have to nearly permanently sabotage it and I can only pray, pray to whoever's out there who can help, that those people aren't alienated. Sonny is truly scary and he made a nasty scene showing up in the parking lot and yelling and them calling our phones Sam's only hope is to strike out on her own and sadly there are limited ways of doing that.

I really feel for Sam. They did this same thing to me when I was sixteen, expecting me to sit alone in that house with no friends in the woods.....no wonder I revolted,and was afraid of the country. Mother would flip out at me alone in that house and even attack me.....and it was all chalked up to her being distressed at recent bad events but the time has way passed and she hasn't changed. She talks about Grandpa having borderline personality disorder but I say she has the same, and I could have gone that way also.


That said,though,I beg whoever is out there for a second chance with V and these people because I believe wholeheartedly in the nightlife/club/techno scene and I believe it's right--I mean it's so hard to explain but I just know I'm doing the right thing here-- and I know bad stuff happens but I don't want to ever be told not to dance!

I believe,with no doubt whatsoever, that I did the right thing by befriending V and those people and that Sam did the right thing also and that Mother and Sonny are wrong. They get this way whenever we try to be social. They got mad at Al when he came out and my friend Jane.

It's a lost cause.....you can't be with certain people hoping for the best because it's not in them to be constructive: they won't change. From now on I'm on my own out there, and Sam too.

Never going to that house again

I feel sorry for my sister who is stuck there with nowhere to go. They may slowly make her crazy. They're (Sonny) telling her not to go out, be back by such and such a time, you can't go out.....ect ect. And the event, the evening, was a really good thing, and they ruined it for all of us. All because he is socially weird and can't stand anyone else having a life.

I met up with V and his friends and everything was going pretty well til my Mother and Sonny flipped out about the car, the hour (4:40 AM, whatever it was) and I could have stayed out til 10 AM I'm an adult they can't boss me around anymore, though they try to. But Sam's only option is to strike out on her own.

What is the point of having a house in the Hamptons if you're not going to be social? It's just painful.

Never again! If I ever hear from V again I'll go with him and actually enjoy myself out there for once, rather than sit in the house at 11PM on a Saturday. Done.

dubya dubya dubya dot who the fuck ya think you are?

http://www.thetruthaboutgeorge.com/women/index.html

I just found this. The personal is political.

cool web site

http://www.magiastrology.com/

these people rock. read and learn

got new plants, on a good astrological day

I have revivied my interest in feng shui and astrology and I decided I can't live in a condo. Where I am has problems but it has a deck which helps cause I have cats and I think cats should be able to go outdoors.....and it's summer and the place is crying out for green. So after studying Magi Astrology their lesson is start everything only on a good astrological day, today I got this impulse to buy plants and pay a dormant bill......but didn't check the MA calendar......so I risked it. I checked it just now and voila! it's a favourable day. I hope this works. I don't know if feng shui works and everyone makes fun of me but I think there must be some logic to it. So I hope the green brings lots of green cause I so need it. I am hoping, really hoping, I can go back to Egypt or just some place warm when winter comes around. But every time I make money I end up having to spend it. There is always a bill, a fee somewhere. There's rent money and money for a better place. There's the plane ticket. and ect ect

I'm sick of fees. They're like ants. How do I get rid of them? Anyone?

Hamptons, just returned!

So bizarre I randomly met this guy who turned out to be the owner of the Star Room in the Hamptons. I'm still buzzing from the whole experience and can't stop thinking about it. So.....I took the LIRR from Flatbush Ave in Brooklyn where I live to Southhampton, where I met my mom and sister. Mother was in a good mood and we went on our millionth trip to the farm stand out there where Mother got berries and corn on the cob. The fresh corn out there is sweet, heavenly. So the Hamptons look pretty and I'm so depressed there are only a couple weeks left of summer boo! So I'm trying to make the most of them. I love summer, I've said that before, and decided I refuse to be cold this year after and I hope, I pray, I can go to South Africa Egypt just some place warm for the winter. I was so relieved to be in Egypt that bitter winter two years ago. I know I won't miss the cold.

But summer's here now and my sister and I went to the Star Room. It turned out to be a pretty decent place not pretentious with a hip hop room and a techno room (but nowhere near enough bathrooms) and the techno room was red and I didn't see it at first only the hip hop room and that stuff isn't for me, so I was thinking, how am I going to stay here four hours but finally I found the other room, which was more like a separate house. The crowd was mixed mostly Long Island people lots of bleached blond hair, but most people were nice, actually. The techno room had a drum player, balloons and go go dancers. My sister was determined to get drunk so she went off to get some alcohol, and when I found her again she asked me to come with her into the bathroom so she could take off her bra, which she didn't have room for in her bag so she wanted to keep it in mine which had very little room. So it's this long long line and only one toilet finally Sam gets her turn and she ends up staying in there for several minutes. This girl said to me, is your sister OK? She's been in there a while. So I knocked on the door and said Sam, what's going on? I won't go into the details but the bathroom was pretty vile so she said, just one second. This girl said, I don't think your sister is OK.....so finally Sam came out then later she was telling me she couldn't understand why people were giving her dirty looks. She told them, the toilet was stopped up so "I went in the trash can and this woman got mad at me and I said why are you giving me that look I'm trying to be your friend?" We split up again as these guys with button down shirts were after her and I wanted to find other parts of the club and that's when I found the techno room. So.....hours later I finally ran into Sam again when it was getting late and the place was closing. I said, I'm tired and my feet hurt let's go and she said, "I'm not tired. You can go." Her voice was different, like high pitched, and she was sandwiched between these two guys. Before I saw her on this stage area dancing with these girls and I think she was making the moves on them....not sure. But before, I had met this fairly nice guy (Alexander) from Austria who approached me and we had gotten into a conversation. I have his number so who knows.....I think he'll call. Whatever: I'm so not interested in dating right now. But he was nice, and I was thankful to have some company.

So my sister has had a few and she's underage and I'm beginning to think she has some kind of manic illness.....I adore her but she's not that bright about things. She wanted to leave with these guys who also wanted me to go with them to some after hours thing, and this guy had been all over me saying, "I want to set my friend up with the Irish girl." I'm actually mostly German but it's the red hair.....

And I said, I can't get into a car with you I don't know you. Especially cause he was all over me and it's obvious.....but my sister wanted to go with his friends and I kept trying to talk her out of it but arguing with her is like arguing with a bull so I said, whatever, I'm leaving. So....as I was getting a cab, my sister, with another guy she met (also named Alexander), said, wait, these guys will give us a ride. So this nice young men who worked at the club drove us home for half the cab fare. I got out but Sam wanted to stay with Alex so I got out, so thankful to finally be home. I love the feeling of coming home after clubbing, and falling into bed. It's such a relief to get out of the shoes and back into the comforts of home. I was really beat and fell asleep, but within a half hour or so Sam came in, and whispered, "Alex is outside and I don't know what to do. I have to drive him home and need the car keys." I said, you have to deal with Mother about this cause she'll flip.....and on and on, but she left then came back within a couple hours. I had brought my space heater cause the place was absolutely freezing and I can't sleep in a cold room. My mother freaks out about it cause she thinks it's a fire hazard even though there's a switch on it that turns it off if any objects get to close to it or if it overheats. That is the main bone of contention between us....because she can't sleep unless the room is cold and I can't sleep unless it's hot. I like the room to be hot like the desert and to sleep naked, with no covers. So Sam comes in while I'm sleeping with the heater on and turns on the air conditioner. I woke up to realize both the AC and the space heater were going at the same time. Finally, morning came around and Mother came in, saw the heater and said, "Laura I thought I asked you not to use that." I said, it's cold in here and I can't sleep in the cold. I really can't. I get sick, extremely, sleeping in cold. One time I practically got pneumonia. I have no choice but to go against her wishes and use it, I'm sorry. Cause even though it's summer it's cold in the house at night. What else am I going to do?

So, the next morning Mother's friend Donna, my former boss, was there and she, Sam and I had breakfast and an interesting conversation. We decided to go to the beach and after two and a half hours of preparation and Sam getting pissed we left. I was supposed to catch an early train cause I had to be back for an audition but I ended up staying at the beach. I know, that's really bad. I feel like such a slacker. But the audition was for something .....well, it was a kind of open call. I feel bad about it but there was no number to call and I was enjoying where I was. That's bad I know. If I'd had rehearsal or a really major audition I would have left.....but finally I caught the later LIRR and sat for hours on this train which had a really disgusting bathroom that smelled and I had salt water in my hair.

So I swam in the ocean--I'm backtracking--and I love the sea even though I'm a fire sign but it's really beautiful, and swimming is hard work. My arms and legs were aching, but it was beautiful nonetheless. When I got out, my hair was sticking together and the salt water was stinging my eyes but no matter......

but on the train I was feeling horribly dirty and trying to concentrate on my book but the smell was atrocious and I was worried about germs and to top that off, my ex Albert had called while we were getting into the beach car to go to the train, to tell me that my beloved old cat, Midi, is on her last days. That news was devastating but inevitable. So we're going to have to arrange a "funeral" and I think Midi should be buried in the Hamptons cause that's where she's from. Her dying is the end of an era: that's where I got my Midicat name. I don't want her to suffer, but I really feel the pain of her dying even more than I felt my fathers: I mean, Dad's was expected--I guess this is as well. But it feels like it's happening to me personally, like someone wants to get me.

But life has to go on, you know?

Remembering

and feeling really mad. It's hard to forgive certain people, and I suppose I haven't really. I do still feel "raw" about certain things even 20 some odd years later. Like the kids who chased me in the playground or the girls who wouldn't let me in their circles or invite me to their parties. Cause every day I see people who could be those same kids now, only grown up, trying to befriend me. I know they're not "the same" people but then again I just get that vibe from them that they are, just in a different time/place. And I'm just like, I'm the same person that I was then, I haven't forgotten how you treated me, why should I be your friend now; what have you done to deserve it? I feel so mad I want to hit them, or scream. Because I don't think their attempts to be friendly are sincere. I know what people may say, "Why can't you open up and trust people? Why can't you be everyone's friend?" Cause in the past I did trust people who turned out to be not trustworthy. Trust and friendship have to be earned. Yes there were people who were oh-so-sweet to my face but were really backstabbing. These people exist, you know?

Summer is the time for optimism

I love summer and never want it to end. I like hot sun, tank tops, flip flops, the city, food cooking at all hours, the element of danger all of which is NYC in the summer. I remember the summer I left for England and how much I missed the heat and skimpy clothes....cause in London I couldn't believe it was August and people were wearing winter coats at night. And Scotland, forget it.

It's already past the first week in August, getting around to the anniversary of last year, a very decrepit time in my life......but I pulled myself out......still I will miss this warm weather. This time of year is very profound to me. I hate winter, hate the cold.....and in the Midwest where I grew up it was truly hell. Bad enough that I was in that town but to top it off the cold was merciless.....and I don't miss that. Maybe I will go to Egypt or California or wherever it's warm and crazy, come November/December.

The summer before 9/11 I was living in Hoboken--the land of designer bags and shoes and that's pretty much the entire culture there. And back then I never wore makeup or nice shoes and was always active, walking up and down the mountain I lived on, or around the city, a tom boy but I can't say I didn't suffer for it. I was always feeling unattractive, though looking back I realize I was gorgeous and didn't know it, but I didn't feel that then. I was scruffy. I was listening to Basement Jaxx.....and John Digweed's Global Underground Los Angeles CD (I didn't have an ipod I know I"m really behind the times) and so I associate that music with the period before, in my "other life." It had been an amazingly good year for me in which I made a decent chunk of cash after two years of poverty and suffering. Kind of hard to explain, but I went through a kind of catharsis....but anyway, so I had had some cash, was going occasionally to Twilo.....and my neighbor was talking about getting ready for fashion week.

confusion

There's a line in a film (I will decline to say which one....OK.....JFK) that goes something like, "We're through the looking glass. Black is white and white is black."

I'm experiencing that now. I'm seeing that things aren't as simple as I had thought even 24 hours ago. Some bizarre things have happened to me. Twice today the number 666 sprang up at me, don't laugh: on the treadmill when I put my new CD in, as in, 666 calories per hour due to the numbers I had plugged in; and then when I made a trip to the nearby bodega looking for conditioner as I was out. I looked in 3 different stores and.......every time I go outside, this being a problem most women face, I get sexually harassed. Today I was really mad, and I wanted to really attack these men. Not only that, if these men are in the company of other women, I imagine they're hurting the women emotionally, probably scarring them for life. I am not going to make excuses for bad behavior even if it is part of someone's culture; well, unlearn it. Some people may call me xenophobic or racist or something, and I detest those kinds of attitudes, so I never want to be that. But I won't turn a blind eye from someone doing something wrong, and when I really get angry (it runs in my family on both sides) I feel my heart start beating faster and the blood rush to my face and it's a really bad feeling, as well as holding it back. I think so much of street harassment is power: that these men know they can get away with it: they play on women's anger, defenselessness really; because in these situations I feel their power over me, knowing I can't turn to anyone, not the police, not other people on the street, like I'm backed into a corner. I hear all the time people saying women shouldn't walk around alone after dark, but really these men see it as their God-given right to attack any woman who comes their way, alone or not. Though I have to admit, wearing a skirt, a short one, attracts this stuff in hordes; I mean I have gotten harassed when I was covered up but I don't think it was anything of this magnitude. I was thinking, what if it were against the law and these men could actually be fined every time they harass a woman?

So, I finally found a store selling conditioner, and I bought that plus three candles, cause I like to sit in candlelight at night to wind down. The cashier rung it up and it was $6.66. I stared at the numbers and she kind of laughed, like it was funny. I thought it was disgusting. I bought the stuff then threw it in the trash. I'll try to see the humor in it but at the time I was really upset, and I didn't want to let that on. I don't understand WHY this is happening to me.


On another note, I'm slowly getting into Willa Cather. I read on the subway now, that's the best time for me.

My friend said

That he would, if he could, go to the airport and ask the clerk, whatever is the next plane leaving, to wherever, put me on it.

Mozart's Zauberflote is playing now.....I found the words and translated them. I used to be obsessed with Mozart, like a pop performer in his day (er war ein Punker und er libte in der grossen Staadt.......)

I've been neglecting German for two years almost and need to get back on it. I ran into my old German teacher downtown the other day.....talk about serendipitous. I want to go back to Paris too.

So he's gone and I miss him and can't stop thinking about him I know it's sad and maybe he's a paychopath (though I'm starting to doubt it) but I'm jealous too because he's in Fiji with the giant tentacled whatever they ares and I'm stuck in hot, tourist trap NYC. But I love summer, and tank tops. I don't love getting harrassed every time I step outside, though. And that's the problem any female faces going outside. I must say, I think it intensifies when I'm wearing a skirt, big time. I get such bad vibes and I feel my heart start pounding and I feel so angry and really want to hit these guys.....but I've learned from experience that only makes it worse; they retaliate, or lie and say I harassed them. Talk about psychopath.......

Yes I was reading about Robert Ramirez and Ted Bundy and what fascinates me is how these kinds of people can so effectively deceive so many people. I freaked out in the dark last night, afraid that their ghosts would come after me. I got up, shrieked and turned on the light, trying not to wake my roommate. But these people blend in with the rest of society. That is what I want to understand.


I'm also reading Willa Cather for the first time, and I find this book My Antonia to be a little bizarre. I can't decide if I like it or not. I'm at the part where the older Bohemian guy kills himself and these people act so wierd, like the guy building his coffin is very upbeat as he goes about it. Then, none of the cemetaries will take his body cause he killed himself. Also, I get impatient with long winding descriptions of nature, like all the plants and animals even though I love animals I just am not obsessed with trees.......