fed up with men

OK, I know there are some decent men in the world. I have to keep saying that. But I'm really mad right now. I always have to watch my back with people, men or women for different reasons, and I can't be in a relationship with a man without wondering his intentions, like if I'm being used, as a body. It's so hard for me to believe I'll be happy, with anyone, and I am losing more and more hope because nothing I do individually will really solve the problem. The world will be what it is. But my youth turned out to be a constant battle against some idiot trying to shove his hand down my pants and take whatever he could get. How stupid I was, I could have used some guidance here and there. But I had none. A relationship to me is a kind of death sentence, and I hate the thought of being married. I can't understand for the life of me why any woman would want it. But if I'm unmarried I'm looked upon as a poor thing, and people will always wonder why I'm not married. I had my fantasies as well, but my relationships have all ended unhappily and my mistake was allowing one man to have me I wish I never had. But I still love and hate the same person. But I think men turn women they're in relationships with into slaves, and they're all cheaters, they're all pricks. I feel like it's a curse, a terrible one, to be a heterosexual female. I may never say never to a relationship with a woman but I'm not gay; still, I don't know how I can ever feel happy anymore. I rode the bike home and was harrassed three times in 15 minutes. I yelled at them but it won't change them; they'll still do it over and over. A part of me wishes I could be at the Dahab hotel with him and crawl into bed with him with the space heater on, I long for that, so much, so much.....but it's 6 am and he's not here and I'm in Brooklyn, I'm wondering if I'll ever get out of here and I HAVE to get out of here. I was not sexy tonight I was in my helmet, glasses, ugly sneakers but, yeah, I rolled up my pants cause they were getting caught in the chain, so my leg showed, but, big disappointment, I was NOT trying to seduce any of these men on Flatbush Ave. I find it fascinating how women are turned into criminals if they go out after 1am, or whatever the time is, and how men treat them as if they deserve harassment, as if they're punishing them. I was NOT walking around in sexy clothes in a drunken stupor, as those women who were raped and killed allegedly were. That still doesn't make what happened to them OK. But if I complain about these guys, like to the cops, they'll probably say I brought it upon myself.