Of course I live in me and I'm biased, I'd like to think I'm always right and blameless, but I know I can be a massive cunt on wheels. I sometimes think, I wasn't raised to be mean; I grew up reading Bible stories (NOT to be confused with the right wing Christianity which most people are familiar with) my mother taught Sunday school.....I've fallen out with most religion, if not all, but I still believe there's Something there. But I was raised on these ideas of selflessness and kindness but what happened? I've been angry, on a short fuse, and at times venomous. I guess I really don't enjoy hurting people; only some have done bad things to me so what choice do I have? Some people well I have to admit they have it coming to them; people who've done horrid things not just to me but to anyone who is innocent.....in some instances I believe, I know, it's necessary to use violence. I think maybe those people deserve to be hurt. But by and large, I don't want to hurt anyone, yet I do. I get into moods, and I was so stressed lately about everything but now that that's somewhat alleviated and I can breathe, for now, I am realizing I didn't really want to be mean, or hurt anyone.
That said, there are people who made such a fabulous contribution to my life and changed so many things for me who I don't see. Why is that? That eats away at me. It's hard not to feel a certain sadness in the midst of happiness that they're not here. But what can I do? Those people I never, ever intended to hurt or offend but it seems like I did, or else they're just flaky or that's just the way things have worked out or something.
But anyhow, I'm starting to feel the pull of travel. I just want to go....wherever, but some place warm. I need a getaway that is stress-free, relatively. I haven't had a real vacation. It is cloudy here and not warm and I'll miss summer, I still want to lie at the beach in a bikini; swim for hours then sleep on the beach. Summer is too short! Maybe I belong in California after all. It will be a tremendous load of work but I'm ready to take off again.
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