moods

I am not going to go into mysticism here because I learned my lesson before about taking this public: I only was misunderstood. But I seem to get into horrendous moods during the new moon. I was born on a new moon. And I tried and tried and tried for hours to contain myself but today I was once again provoked by these really annoying people G's roommate hangs around and I finally lost it. After dealing with one mess after another from the animals, a bad night before in which I missed seeing Felix da Housecat, no sleep because my cat kept me awake, finally L's brother said he was upset that I left and he needed a flyer that's when I snapped. I wasn't prepared for fifty people to come into the apartment and I was tired and stressed and A insisted on opening the curtain after I closed it and, Jesus, everything has to turn into a fucking argument! So I finally got pissed and when I'm provoked I can get hysterical, and I did. I went into the park and unraveled. I was crying hysterically, all from last night's fucked up-ness to this dancer saying to me, "Thank you so much for standing there with the flyers" like what am I, their servant? To people I want to see not being around to everything from not being able to charge my phone or send a text message or even talk on a phone because of the trees in the way to the monumental task of how the fuck do I do my taxes or apply for health insurance to fear, always always that. And wondering how I'll get to South Africa cause that's where I want to go but it's expensive and then I have to sign up for classes, buy a new passport, sign up for cable or wireless or fuck I don't know I just need to be able to use a computer cause that's life or death with me, to a DVD being late and I haven't even watched half of it, to not getting around to seeing a movie or seeing my friend like I'd planned and I SO wanted to just get out of town and I started sobbing, in the park, thinking, I have to get out of this place! I can't stand it! I can't stand living in this fascist country where we don't even have health care or child care or even birth control, if the arch conservatives get their way. In a place where we are not free to do what we choose with our own bodies and are considered criminals if we do certain things, to the fact that these universal entitlements are taken away from us here and anyhow.....to the fact that I went on this travel web site bootsnall, that I used to go on all the time, and it was a depressing experience. This girl wrote, something like, the worst film I ever saw was JFK and I'm just not into these political movies. Yeah, Jessica Simpson is your idol, I'll bet.....really living life on the edge here. This is why I stopped going on this site because it was such a discouragement, to see people talking about really pale stuff and always feeling, afterward, alienated and frustrated. I mean, how can anyone, if they're breathing, especially if they're female, NOT be political in this climate? I can't figure that out for the life of me, unless they are somehow benefitting from this administration. But I just have no comprehension of female conservatives, who don't think women should have rights. At the NOW conference they were handing out these buttons saying, If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention. Even among the so-called radical cheerleaders I remember one of them dismissing one of the others because "she's just so angry, it's too much." I mean, isn't that the point? There are many gradations of anger. There's mindless venting which, while it may be justified, is immature and there's a lot of that among many would be activists. But there' s "righteous anger" which is going under the layers and saying, things are bad, and that's not ok, and that's radical. It's getting late and I'm running out of steam to write this with but I have to unload this stuff. There'll be more later.