any lower. My social security number has 666 in the middle of it and adds up to 13, when you calculate the numbers. Well, I was born in Ohio.......but what is 666? Is it the mark of the beast? Well, it's not on my scalp anyway. I don't think; I've never checked.
But seriously I don't think so. But it does say something about me: that I'm capable of going to great heights and great lows. That is true. My moon is in the sign of Virgo in the 8th house of sex and death. That means I'm definitely not a light hearted person. THat is why I'm anxious and why my moods go to extremes, but that's how my family was, too. Definitely borderline people here: I've known too damn many. THese are people who get angry, violent (maybe not physically but in other ways) and turn on you for no reason. I've known many like this. I myself get moody. I don't want to go to a bad place. But I am sensitive to sunlight and so often when I go out during the day I feel like I'm going to faint and.......
I don't know what to do because I feel like I can't go on in the hell I'm in. I can't bear being stuck to a 9 to 5 job but I have no goddamn choice. I am beginning to hate this country and government. I believe that art is important and if people work their asses off at jobs for years they deserve to be compensated with unemployment and government money. Life is not only about commerce. What are my other options? Prostitution? I could never do it. That was my problem. I couldn't strip either. Well, I guess I could. But the stories I've heard belie the myth. One girl got sick and is broke now, no savings. So much for "stripping your way through college." I mean, I don't know, maybe it happens. But, hello, does that sound like discrimination anyone? How many men strip their way through college? I have said before that I don't view sex work as a harmless business exchange between equals. I'll believe that when men no longer run the world exclusively. Not to mention I've heard of the violence, stalking, drugs.....I mean they say if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
But then again it seems you'd make so much more money taking your clothes off for a few hours than at working a 40 hour week. In the 9 to 5 world I always was afraid I'd never be hired again. I still worry about that. If you piss off the wrong people you may never work again. But what are we supposed to do? Die? They don't want people in the streets, either. BUt I can't let that happen. I'm not sinking, I'm struggling to climb out.......but......if only the integrity of my intentions were enough.
I don't .....former supervisor. Well, hate is not a good word. BUt he was one borderline personality; I mean I WISH I knew what it was but there was something just............. wrong. But he didn't show that side immediately. I want to think I'm blameless and it's all "them" but no......I've fucked up. Was it just nervous exhaustion? Did I just do what I had to responding to circumstances? Partly. I was rude, short tempered, I sliced some bridges that's for sure. I was supposed to always smile, always be made up, always be on time. I whined, made excuses, was late, I was looking for a way out. I hurt myself in ways, and now I'm paying for it. I lacked discipline I didn't manage my money right I didn't plan enough but I tried, I tried, I fucking tried. I swear. No one can deny that. But it still wasn't enough. BUT it was something. It's the reason I'm not at the place where some of the others are at; I'm broken but not defeated. Some people are worse off; they've just given up. But just because someone has given up.....well, actually, they haven't. They're still breathing. Just because someone is lazy or stupid do they deserve to die? In a true capitalist society that would happen. But what is really going on here? I read at my old job documents on the Patriot Act that made no sense. I was so caught up in my own problems I couldn't think about it. I don't know what is really going on. Even an astrological article I read said that something was going to happen at the end of the month. I'm still afraid, too.
I think my family members are good. They are good deep down, I think, even though they are Republican. They are very Christian. But.....I believe they are good but in my opinion; I wish I knew what to say, but I wonder if they're misguided. I never say that to their face. But how can you call yourself a Christian and think it's a good thing to drop bombs on innocent people? How can you say you're against abortion but think it's OK to bomb people? Jesus said, give a beggar the coat off your back, and they don't want to give them anything; rather condemn them as stupid or lazy or worthless. It happens in New York too, and these aren't Christians (or maybe they are); like my mother's husband was nasty and said, they can get a job. I know, sure, they can. But they don't have one now. How does he know what got them where they are? Are they really just lazy? Or are they just unlucky? Does anyone deserve to be left to starve even though they're lazy? WHat about people with inheritances, trust funds? WHy are they not starving.....as they are lazy?
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