and my heart and mind and gut. I've found that my sixth sense is usually right.
i edited this .....hopefully no one read it. I was pretty pissed when I wrote it. But....if you did read this, it's true. This is what I was faced with. BUT.....that era of my life has passed.
Monday, February 28, 2005
more on shp
there has been a good deal of backbiting and name-calling among members. Ironic, because we're supposed to represent solidarity, but 10 people can't get along. There is clique-ness, name-calling, finger pointing, and so on. People are misquoted or misunderstood. I have been reading about feng shui and one of the things that was written was that sharp edges on tables should be avoided. We sat around a table before, but we also sat in a circle. But members would not show up to meetings and you can say some of them are what are called psychic vampires. Now, I've said before that I've read that fed infiltrators purposely screw up schedules, pick fights and do other things to wear away at the daily life of something. There have been fights over funds, and I find questionable what some are doing. Whether it is a conspiracy or just that someone is neurotic (and many are) or whatever, you don't know. Even someone said in a recent email, you don't know people's intentions. But I do know that I really am mad at some people's attitudes. They suck the lifeblood out of those around them and the group. And it's not the person in question, the one who is getting picked on. Ironically, the ones who are getting the most criticism are those most dedicated to feminism and change. But.......the one getting picked on is also in a self-destructive mode. She isn't doing anything to help herself. At least, some of these women are bitches but they are helping themselves, somewhat. One of them is this little Seven Sisters bitch and she is the main, like the ringleader, and I really can't stand her. I just don't like her. And she is the main one instigating all the changes. But.....I can say she is at least trying, she is at least working hard. You have to make some effort, you have to put in some appearance. It does matter.
But nevertheless why is that not enough? It's a LONG way off from being enough.
But nevertheless why is that not enough? It's a LONG way off from being enough.
I was very upset
and I wrote a lot of not nice things here. That was how I felt when I wrote it. But.....I'm a little better.
I love my neighborhood, fort Greene, Brooklyn. I have a back yard which is now full of snow. This weather reminds me of my childhood spent in Michigan, during the winter. You'd go out at 6 AM and the wind would cut your skin, it was so cold. It pierced your neck and your legs froze.
But the worst was your toes, my toes, which would always get wet somehow, and turn to ice practically. We had to move our toes constantly to keep from getting frost bite. In Evanston, where I lived, we'd walk to school in two feet of snow, dragging our feet in and out. THe lake was half frozen, with mostly chunks of ice, which my friends and I would walk on. My friend was the one who wanted to do it. How we didn't get hypothermia I don't know. I don't know how the fish survived. THe cold was so extreme it went right through us. THis probably has something to do with why I avoid the cold as much as possible now.
Also, apple season. My mother would take us to get Michigan apples which were so sour your mouth would start watering when you ate them. Everything in the northern US is sour, where in the south it's sweeter. But these apples are the best for pies. I learned how to make apple pie from Mother. She makes the crust homemade, and she was taught by her grandmother. Her own mother, Donna, hated cooking. My grandmother was in her day very beautiful, and smart as well. Her father, Grandpa Beardsley, was himself very well educated.....and he left when she was about a year old, and her mother remarried. My grandma, Donna, didn't get her period til she was seventeen, and it was the depression, she was super skinny. She was probably malnourished. This was Michigan, so they were used to being cold and hungry. My mother's side of the family is extremely cheap and frugal. A dollar to my mother is extravagant (to buy seltzer water) and yet they are always buying clothes they end up not wearing or wearing once, plus fancy gadgets. To me, a $200 cell phone is extravagant, but whatever. But generally money is spent very carefully, and seldom given.
I've been listening to a lot of classical music and reading the lyrics in German and Latin. This is how I'm learning languages. Usually you have to spend time translating, which gets tedious. BUt eventually it sinks in and then you sing it and hear it and then it makes sense. I was listening to Mozart's Requiem which gets very depressing and creepy but I love this music anyway. That and An die Freude (Ode to Joy) which are all sort of pop songs, not that different. But I need to listen to something livelier. So, now I'm listening to Nozze di Figaro. And then Peaches. Then Hall and Oates. THen the Clash.
I love my neighborhood, fort Greene, Brooklyn. I have a back yard which is now full of snow. This weather reminds me of my childhood spent in Michigan, during the winter. You'd go out at 6 AM and the wind would cut your skin, it was so cold. It pierced your neck and your legs froze.
But the worst was your toes, my toes, which would always get wet somehow, and turn to ice practically. We had to move our toes constantly to keep from getting frost bite. In Evanston, where I lived, we'd walk to school in two feet of snow, dragging our feet in and out. THe lake was half frozen, with mostly chunks of ice, which my friends and I would walk on. My friend was the one who wanted to do it. How we didn't get hypothermia I don't know. I don't know how the fish survived. THe cold was so extreme it went right through us. THis probably has something to do with why I avoid the cold as much as possible now.
Also, apple season. My mother would take us to get Michigan apples which were so sour your mouth would start watering when you ate them. Everything in the northern US is sour, where in the south it's sweeter. But these apples are the best for pies. I learned how to make apple pie from Mother. She makes the crust homemade, and she was taught by her grandmother. Her own mother, Donna, hated cooking. My grandmother was in her day very beautiful, and smart as well. Her father, Grandpa Beardsley, was himself very well educated.....and he left when she was about a year old, and her mother remarried. My grandma, Donna, didn't get her period til she was seventeen, and it was the depression, she was super skinny. She was probably malnourished. This was Michigan, so they were used to being cold and hungry. My mother's side of the family is extremely cheap and frugal. A dollar to my mother is extravagant (to buy seltzer water) and yet they are always buying clothes they end up not wearing or wearing once, plus fancy gadgets. To me, a $200 cell phone is extravagant, but whatever. But generally money is spent very carefully, and seldom given.
I've been listening to a lot of classical music and reading the lyrics in German and Latin. This is how I'm learning languages. Usually you have to spend time translating, which gets tedious. BUt eventually it sinks in and then you sing it and hear it and then it makes sense. I was listening to Mozart's Requiem which gets very depressing and creepy but I love this music anyway. That and An die Freude (Ode to Joy) which are all sort of pop songs, not that different. But I need to listen to something livelier. So, now I'm listening to Nozze di Figaro. And then Peaches. Then Hall and Oates. THen the Clash.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
in the US
There are these extreme....well, I got into a discussion with some people on cultural relativism which turned into a fierce, heated argument. I stated my case and I believe in what I say. I'm not interested in fighting with anyone. We disagree and aren't going to change each other's opinions. So, let's just leave it at that, shall we?
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Friday, February 25, 2005
I will never
I wrote some very upset, angry stuff. I mean, very angry. I was hurt and I still feel so so stabbed and betrayed, by people who I thought loved me and whom I loved and thought they were on my side. And these are the people close to me.
I was mad because I feel like I'm getting picked apart and criticized to pieces by interviewers and ex bosses and now my own mother and boyfriend.....I called him for sympathy after my mother said something very hurtful to me and went off on how I'm getting attacked but I try my best but nothing makes people happy. And he had the nerve to say if people are picking on me there must be some truth in it. I never ever in my life pretended I'm a perfect person. But that hit me hard, what he said. That felt like such a betrayal, I feel so brutalized by his comment I don't know how I'll ever get over it. I have to find the comfort and something else in me desperately need it cause I'm getting beaten up not by my enemies but by those I thought loved me and were on my side. And everyone is against me and I just wanted to die. Well, I don't KNOW everyone was against me but I felt like they were. And that hurt. THat stung, unbearably. And I have never in my life wished ill on anyone, not even my enemies. Well, OK there are people who have done truly bad things to me and I have wished they'd get run over by a car. OK, I did. But I guess it's not a permanent thing. Do these people know how I feel? I don't know how some people live with themselves, not just because of what they did to me but what they did to others.
Now, people are picking on this person I won't name, but I'll call him X. They mercilessly criticize him and his art and everything he says. His last project was panned here in the US. THat is another reason I want to leave here. Now, whether he is a good or bad person I don't know. I want to think he is a good person, that he's well intentioned, I believe he is, but I don't know he is. But does he deserve to be cut to shreds like this? Has he treated people horribly, enough to deserve this? I want to think the answer is no, and I know what it's like to come under that attack. I know how painful it is. If people stopped and considered how they hurt people when they stab others like this maybe this world would be a better place. If they thought for a moment that they're dealing with real people who have feelings but the kind of people who cut others apart aren't empathizing. It's like they're mad, and I'm mad, and I'm mad at certain people. Certain people have hurt me or others or behaved selfishly, and I'm mad. But I don't have any lasting desire to hurt anyone. And I think, I don't know but I think, there are people who have done far worse.
I was mad because I feel like I'm getting picked apart and criticized to pieces by interviewers and ex bosses and now my own mother and boyfriend.....I called him for sympathy after my mother said something very hurtful to me and went off on how I'm getting attacked but I try my best but nothing makes people happy. And he had the nerve to say if people are picking on me there must be some truth in it. I never ever in my life pretended I'm a perfect person. But that hit me hard, what he said. That felt like such a betrayal, I feel so brutalized by his comment I don't know how I'll ever get over it. I have to find the comfort and something else in me desperately need it cause I'm getting beaten up not by my enemies but by those I thought loved me and were on my side. And everyone is against me and I just wanted to die. Well, I don't KNOW everyone was against me but I felt like they were. And that hurt. THat stung, unbearably. And I have never in my life wished ill on anyone, not even my enemies. Well, OK there are people who have done truly bad things to me and I have wished they'd get run over by a car. OK, I did. But I guess it's not a permanent thing. Do these people know how I feel? I don't know how some people live with themselves, not just because of what they did to me but what they did to others.
Now, people are picking on this person I won't name, but I'll call him X. They mercilessly criticize him and his art and everything he says. His last project was panned here in the US. THat is another reason I want to leave here. Now, whether he is a good or bad person I don't know. I want to think he is a good person, that he's well intentioned, I believe he is, but I don't know he is. But does he deserve to be cut to shreds like this? Has he treated people horribly, enough to deserve this? I want to think the answer is no, and I know what it's like to come under that attack. I know how painful it is. If people stopped and considered how they hurt people when they stab others like this maybe this world would be a better place. If they thought for a moment that they're dealing with real people who have feelings but the kind of people who cut others apart aren't empathizing. It's like they're mad, and I'm mad, and I'm mad at certain people. Certain people have hurt me or others or behaved selfishly, and I'm mad. But I don't have any lasting desire to hurt anyone. And I think, I don't know but I think, there are people who have done far worse.
gay or straight?
I realize almost all the men I am attracted to are bisexual or extremely ambiguous. I just am not into that whole straight culture. There are men who are probably bi but don't admit it; but they're just "different" in the US, which is such a straight male culture. I think women are far more attractive physically than men but I am far more attracted to men than women. I am a feminist but I don't hate men; I love most men, or maybe I can say I'm lucky enough to have kind men in my life. There are certainly men out there who aren't nice. I hear all these battery and rape stories and see all these fucked up images of women in the media and think.....men are horrid. But the men in my life are not. I'm lucky to know good men. Not that they're perfect. BUt they have a goodness in them, or their intentions are at least good.
But I get attracted to a guy and I want to know everything, almost about them. I'll look up everything I can. I want to see their astrological chart. Birth certificate. I wish I could go to the UK and find this one guy's BC but I'll look like a real weirdo. I'll feel even more like one. But I want to take a whole bunch of birth certificates of different guys to an astrologer and see if she/he can find the best one for me.
But back to the subject; I keep seeing all this "gay pride" stuff and think it doesn't apply to me, but it does because I really keep falling in love with men who may not be gay but they're probably bi.....but to me that doesn't make any damn sense. THere was that joke Andrew Dice Clay made......but I really loved certain men who love men and women. But there's something else going on with these men, and maybe it's that something else......like they know something I don't.
But I get attracted to a guy and I want to know everything, almost about them. I'll look up everything I can. I want to see their astrological chart. Birth certificate. I wish I could go to the UK and find this one guy's BC but I'll look like a real weirdo. I'll feel even more like one. But I want to take a whole bunch of birth certificates of different guys to an astrologer and see if she/he can find the best one for me.
But back to the subject; I keep seeing all this "gay pride" stuff and think it doesn't apply to me, but it does because I really keep falling in love with men who may not be gay but they're probably bi.....but to me that doesn't make any damn sense. THere was that joke Andrew Dice Clay made......but I really loved certain men who love men and women. But there's something else going on with these men, and maybe it's that something else......like they know something I don't.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
time, space, and .........
I read this post someone wrote on Christianity. She was writing about the born again Christians. I am tempted to say that's not my problem, or it's not an issue in NYC, but it actually is. This town is full of people who believe their way is the only way and unbelievers will go to hell. But that's not my issue. I believe not in religion but in .....spirits or holy things. I believe when I go near a church there is something there. I believe the same when I pass any religious place. I've been to the Pyramids, the Western Wall. However flawed the trip was, I saw more than most people. I believe these things......these sites give hope when things get so.......when life is just sheer hard work and struggle, and ugly. THe majority of my time is hard fucking work and little reward. Well, that's not right; the reward is there, but it doesn't come without work. And right now I am working really fucking hard. I need rest, I need to be alone. This guy may move in here but I'm not sure it's a good idea, but I'm not in a position to say no. People are emailing me wanting to stay here and I'm almost beginning to ......really hate all of them. WHich isn't good.
So the Christians will say that the Egyptian gods are evil, or any gods. It's all about power and politics, not religion.....yeah, it was to break up the Roman empire and so on. But there are people who really do think their gods are evil. It is my opinion that, just as an example, the Egyptian gods are not evil, but they are the same as the Christian saints, they are together with them. They are divine, they all live together. But why do they only exist for one place? Well, maybe they don't; they take different forms, different names. But I believe that these gods aren't evil. I also believe that I have seen demons. Once, at a SUnday school I went to, I told the minister I had been reading Wiccan books which taught spells on how to conjure up fairies and elves and unicorns. Now, this man was intelligent and didn't preach to me. He was very smart. He said, the problem is, you don't know if what you're summoning is good or bad, if they will do good or harm. Many people have disastrous experiences trying to contact the beyond world. Christianity says demons are evil. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. My opinion is that there are evil spirits, but demons may not necessarily be evil. They are, however, angry, disturbed. My shrink would have said they're psychological projections, that these things I see (I have seen very little) come out of my mind. I don't know where they come from, I only know that I see it. But if there is a God or gods or Goddess, they won't do our work for us. They can only help out here and there.
But they do symbolize hope, which is needed now. Things are not hopeless, but they are a constant struggle. There is no such thing as free money, well, not for most people. I wish I could inherit enough to never have to get up and go to work again. I wish there were an alternative. But I have to find a job and there's no way out of that. The question is, how do I find it? Where is it? Does my former employer have good or ill will toward me? I'm serious. I know I sound paranoid, but if you knew the whole story you'd know what I mean.
So the Christians will say that the Egyptian gods are evil, or any gods. It's all about power and politics, not religion.....yeah, it was to break up the Roman empire and so on. But there are people who really do think their gods are evil. It is my opinion that, just as an example, the Egyptian gods are not evil, but they are the same as the Christian saints, they are together with them. They are divine, they all live together. But why do they only exist for one place? Well, maybe they don't; they take different forms, different names. But I believe that these gods aren't evil. I also believe that I have seen demons. Once, at a SUnday school I went to, I told the minister I had been reading Wiccan books which taught spells on how to conjure up fairies and elves and unicorns. Now, this man was intelligent and didn't preach to me. He was very smart. He said, the problem is, you don't know if what you're summoning is good or bad, if they will do good or harm. Many people have disastrous experiences trying to contact the beyond world. Christianity says demons are evil. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. My opinion is that there are evil spirits, but demons may not necessarily be evil. They are, however, angry, disturbed. My shrink would have said they're psychological projections, that these things I see (I have seen very little) come out of my mind. I don't know where they come from, I only know that I see it. But if there is a God or gods or Goddess, they won't do our work for us. They can only help out here and there.
But they do symbolize hope, which is needed now. Things are not hopeless, but they are a constant struggle. There is no such thing as free money, well, not for most people. I wish I could inherit enough to never have to get up and go to work again. I wish there were an alternative. But I have to find a job and there's no way out of that. The question is, how do I find it? Where is it? Does my former employer have good or ill will toward me? I'm serious. I know I sound paranoid, but if you knew the whole story you'd know what I mean.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
and and and I don't want to sink
any lower. My social security number has 666 in the middle of it and adds up to 13, when you calculate the numbers. Well, I was born in Ohio.......but what is 666? Is it the mark of the beast? Well, it's not on my scalp anyway. I don't think; I've never checked.
But seriously I don't think so. But it does say something about me: that I'm capable of going to great heights and great lows. That is true. My moon is in the sign of Virgo in the 8th house of sex and death. That means I'm definitely not a light hearted person. THat is why I'm anxious and why my moods go to extremes, but that's how my family was, too. Definitely borderline people here: I've known too damn many. THese are people who get angry, violent (maybe not physically but in other ways) and turn on you for no reason. I've known many like this. I myself get moody. I don't want to go to a bad place. But I am sensitive to sunlight and so often when I go out during the day I feel like I'm going to faint and.......
I don't know what to do because I feel like I can't go on in the hell I'm in. I can't bear being stuck to a 9 to 5 job but I have no goddamn choice. I am beginning to hate this country and government. I believe that art is important and if people work their asses off at jobs for years they deserve to be compensated with unemployment and government money. Life is not only about commerce. What are my other options? Prostitution? I could never do it. That was my problem. I couldn't strip either. Well, I guess I could. But the stories I've heard belie the myth. One girl got sick and is broke now, no savings. So much for "stripping your way through college." I mean, I don't know, maybe it happens. But, hello, does that sound like discrimination anyone? How many men strip their way through college? I have said before that I don't view sex work as a harmless business exchange between equals. I'll believe that when men no longer run the world exclusively. Not to mention I've heard of the violence, stalking, drugs.....I mean they say if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
But then again it seems you'd make so much more money taking your clothes off for a few hours than at working a 40 hour week. In the 9 to 5 world I always was afraid I'd never be hired again. I still worry about that. If you piss off the wrong people you may never work again. But what are we supposed to do? Die? They don't want people in the streets, either. BUt I can't let that happen. I'm not sinking, I'm struggling to climb out.......but......if only the integrity of my intentions were enough.
I don't .....former supervisor. Well, hate is not a good word. BUt he was one borderline personality; I mean I WISH I knew what it was but there was something just............. wrong. But he didn't show that side immediately. I want to think I'm blameless and it's all "them" but no......I've fucked up. Was it just nervous exhaustion? Did I just do what I had to responding to circumstances? Partly. I was rude, short tempered, I sliced some bridges that's for sure. I was supposed to always smile, always be made up, always be on time. I whined, made excuses, was late, I was looking for a way out. I hurt myself in ways, and now I'm paying for it. I lacked discipline I didn't manage my money right I didn't plan enough but I tried, I tried, I fucking tried. I swear. No one can deny that. But it still wasn't enough. BUT it was something. It's the reason I'm not at the place where some of the others are at; I'm broken but not defeated. Some people are worse off; they've just given up. But just because someone has given up.....well, actually, they haven't. They're still breathing. Just because someone is lazy or stupid do they deserve to die? In a true capitalist society that would happen. But what is really going on here? I read at my old job documents on the Patriot Act that made no sense. I was so caught up in my own problems I couldn't think about it. I don't know what is really going on. Even an astrological article I read said that something was going to happen at the end of the month. I'm still afraid, too.
I think my family members are good. They are good deep down, I think, even though they are Republican. They are very Christian. But.....I believe they are good but in my opinion; I wish I knew what to say, but I wonder if they're misguided. I never say that to their face. But how can you call yourself a Christian and think it's a good thing to drop bombs on innocent people? How can you say you're against abortion but think it's OK to bomb people? Jesus said, give a beggar the coat off your back, and they don't want to give them anything; rather condemn them as stupid or lazy or worthless. It happens in New York too, and these aren't Christians (or maybe they are); like my mother's husband was nasty and said, they can get a job. I know, sure, they can. But they don't have one now. How does he know what got them where they are? Are they really just lazy? Or are they just unlucky? Does anyone deserve to be left to starve even though they're lazy? WHat about people with inheritances, trust funds? WHy are they not starving.....as they are lazy?
But seriously I don't think so. But it does say something about me: that I'm capable of going to great heights and great lows. That is true. My moon is in the sign of Virgo in the 8th house of sex and death. That means I'm definitely not a light hearted person. THat is why I'm anxious and why my moods go to extremes, but that's how my family was, too. Definitely borderline people here: I've known too damn many. THese are people who get angry, violent (maybe not physically but in other ways) and turn on you for no reason. I've known many like this. I myself get moody. I don't want to go to a bad place. But I am sensitive to sunlight and so often when I go out during the day I feel like I'm going to faint and.......
I don't know what to do because I feel like I can't go on in the hell I'm in. I can't bear being stuck to a 9 to 5 job but I have no goddamn choice. I am beginning to hate this country and government. I believe that art is important and if people work their asses off at jobs for years they deserve to be compensated with unemployment and government money. Life is not only about commerce. What are my other options? Prostitution? I could never do it. That was my problem. I couldn't strip either. Well, I guess I could. But the stories I've heard belie the myth. One girl got sick and is broke now, no savings. So much for "stripping your way through college." I mean, I don't know, maybe it happens. But, hello, does that sound like discrimination anyone? How many men strip their way through college? I have said before that I don't view sex work as a harmless business exchange between equals. I'll believe that when men no longer run the world exclusively. Not to mention I've heard of the violence, stalking, drugs.....I mean they say if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
But then again it seems you'd make so much more money taking your clothes off for a few hours than at working a 40 hour week. In the 9 to 5 world I always was afraid I'd never be hired again. I still worry about that. If you piss off the wrong people you may never work again. But what are we supposed to do? Die? They don't want people in the streets, either. BUt I can't let that happen. I'm not sinking, I'm struggling to climb out.......but......if only the integrity of my intentions were enough.
I don't .....former supervisor. Well, hate is not a good word. BUt he was one borderline personality; I mean I WISH I knew what it was but there was something just............. wrong. But he didn't show that side immediately. I want to think I'm blameless and it's all "them" but no......I've fucked up. Was it just nervous exhaustion? Did I just do what I had to responding to circumstances? Partly. I was rude, short tempered, I sliced some bridges that's for sure. I was supposed to always smile, always be made up, always be on time. I whined, made excuses, was late, I was looking for a way out. I hurt myself in ways, and now I'm paying for it. I lacked discipline I didn't manage my money right I didn't plan enough but I tried, I tried, I fucking tried. I swear. No one can deny that. But it still wasn't enough. BUT it was something. It's the reason I'm not at the place where some of the others are at; I'm broken but not defeated. Some people are worse off; they've just given up. But just because someone has given up.....well, actually, they haven't. They're still breathing. Just because someone is lazy or stupid do they deserve to die? In a true capitalist society that would happen. But what is really going on here? I read at my old job documents on the Patriot Act that made no sense. I was so caught up in my own problems I couldn't think about it. I don't know what is really going on. Even an astrological article I read said that something was going to happen at the end of the month. I'm still afraid, too.
I think my family members are good. They are good deep down, I think, even though they are Republican. They are very Christian. But.....I believe they are good but in my opinion; I wish I knew what to say, but I wonder if they're misguided. I never say that to their face. But how can you call yourself a Christian and think it's a good thing to drop bombs on innocent people? How can you say you're against abortion but think it's OK to bomb people? Jesus said, give a beggar the coat off your back, and they don't want to give them anything; rather condemn them as stupid or lazy or worthless. It happens in New York too, and these aren't Christians (or maybe they are); like my mother's husband was nasty and said, they can get a job. I know, sure, they can. But they don't have one now. How does he know what got them where they are? Are they really just lazy? Or are they just unlucky? Does anyone deserve to be left to starve even though they're lazy? WHat about people with inheritances, trust funds? WHy are they not starving.....as they are lazy?
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
sex
got your attention now? I want to know where I stand in relation to other women. I want to know how many women out there....well, actually maybe I don't want to know their sex secrets. But anonymously.
But I had an audition for the Vagina Monologues and there was so much about women who were sexually unfulfilled or never had orgasms. I would like to know if I am a sexual person (I am) more or less than other women.
Also I got a weird fortune cookie. It says "Luck will visit you on the next new moon." I've never gotten a cookie like that except for another that said (in relation to a question I asked, over something I wanted) "Your dream will come true."
That dream hasn't come true yet. But it felt eerie, though.
As for weddings, I know who I want to marry. I think. But I believe in astrolgy so I'll have to ask if we're compatible and if we'll work out. BUt.....also what is the best time for a wedding? And where?
My fantasy was, marry X at Grace Church and have a reception on the beach in Southhampton.
It hasn't happened yet.
That was the question I asked when I got the fortune saying, "Your dream will come true."
But I decided on person Y instead. We even look alike.
That hasn't happened yet, either.
My idiot ex supervisor got married on X's birthday; ironic cause he hates X.
But I had an audition for the Vagina Monologues and there was so much about women who were sexually unfulfilled or never had orgasms. I would like to know if I am a sexual person (I am) more or less than other women.
Also I got a weird fortune cookie. It says "Luck will visit you on the next new moon." I've never gotten a cookie like that except for another that said (in relation to a question I asked, over something I wanted) "Your dream will come true."
That dream hasn't come true yet. But it felt eerie, though.
As for weddings, I know who I want to marry. I think. But I believe in astrolgy so I'll have to ask if we're compatible and if we'll work out. BUt.....also what is the best time for a wedding? And where?
My fantasy was, marry X at Grace Church and have a reception on the beach in Southhampton.
It hasn't happened yet.
That was the question I asked when I got the fortune saying, "Your dream will come true."
But I decided on person Y instead. We even look alike.
That hasn't happened yet, either.
My idiot ex supervisor got married on X's birthday; ironic cause he hates X.
Monday, February 21, 2005
snow snow
it is pretty, but it's midnight now and I fell asleep for a couple hours at my mom's where I'm dog sitting. Taking care of her is very strenuous and going back and forth three times a day plus the stress of having to be careful not to mess anything up because mother's husband is freaking out about that. THen, Mother doesn't want me to bring the dog to Brooklyn which will make things infinitely easier. I want to watch a movie but then I'll have to get up in the morning to walk her.
I had cramps today and was in agony for a while. But I don't believe in messing with my natural cycle. I will never take birth control pills. I can't understand women who will get rid of their period altogether. It is the body's way of cleansing itself. Plus, my mother thinks her mother's cancer might have been caused by birth control pills. I wonder about the direction we're heading in. WOmen around me won't (I'm talking about SHP again) do skits or cheers cause, God forbid, it'll ruin our image, take birth control pills which cut out their feminine functions, eat unhealthy food, won't take care of themselves or help themselves, OK I'm coming down hard on someone but my boyfriend has a point when he says he can't stand to hear people whine, when they won't help themselves. I just am really upset at the direction SHP is going in. Whether it's infiltration and a plot or just people who disagree with me or just someone is being shallow I feel really frustrated by the way things are turning out.
I had cramps today and was in agony for a while. But I don't believe in messing with my natural cycle. I will never take birth control pills. I can't understand women who will get rid of their period altogether. It is the body's way of cleansing itself. Plus, my mother thinks her mother's cancer might have been caused by birth control pills. I wonder about the direction we're heading in. WOmen around me won't (I'm talking about SHP again) do skits or cheers cause, God forbid, it'll ruin our image, take birth control pills which cut out their feminine functions, eat unhealthy food, won't take care of themselves or help themselves, OK I'm coming down hard on someone but my boyfriend has a point when he says he can't stand to hear people whine, when they won't help themselves. I just am really upset at the direction SHP is going in. Whether it's infiltration and a plot or just people who disagree with me or just someone is being shallow I feel really frustrated by the way things are turning out.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
movies and pet sitting
that's my life now. But that's not all. I have to look for a job and make phone calls and get new pix and go over monologues and I still haven't slept enough and it's Sunday. One of those days when I don't want to do anything, but......plus a meeting with some people. I just want to sleep. I have my anxieties too, and my ....oh, everything. But what can I do? I have to take care of myself.
I bought some roses, yellow, for the kitchen. I've been watching a controversial film, I won't say which one, which personally I love. I understand a lot of it. I believe it. But....it's up to everyone to draw their own conclusions. I believe it because it says something about human nature: just that.......I knew people like those in the film. SOme of things people do in this film I wouldn't put past these people, either.
Then, some guy I sold a CD to on ebay is emailing me saying I sent him a defective product and he wants his money back. If I'd known I would have this many problems on ebay; but I should have known. I have no intention, nor have I ever, of ripping anyone off. That's very insulting and offensive to me. How do I know this guy didn't copy the CD.....or....well, whatever. I told him to return it and I'd refund him, but then I never got the CD. He said he sent it and sent the tracking number and I got a notice on my door saying someone attempted to deliver it....but they never returned with it and I don't have it nor do I know where it is. And I am not going to take the time out of my busy day to go looking for it. But I never tried to rob anyone and I'm willing to play fair, but I think he's being a shit and I am not going to be pushed around into doing something. After this, I don't want to associate with ebay; there are just too many psychos out there.
I bought some roses, yellow, for the kitchen. I've been watching a controversial film, I won't say which one, which personally I love. I understand a lot of it. I believe it. But....it's up to everyone to draw their own conclusions. I believe it because it says something about human nature: just that.......I knew people like those in the film. SOme of things people do in this film I wouldn't put past these people, either.
Then, some guy I sold a CD to on ebay is emailing me saying I sent him a defective product and he wants his money back. If I'd known I would have this many problems on ebay; but I should have known. I have no intention, nor have I ever, of ripping anyone off. That's very insulting and offensive to me. How do I know this guy didn't copy the CD.....or....well, whatever. I told him to return it and I'd refund him, but then I never got the CD. He said he sent it and sent the tracking number and I got a notice on my door saying someone attempted to deliver it....but they never returned with it and I don't have it nor do I know where it is. And I am not going to take the time out of my busy day to go looking for it. But I never tried to rob anyone and I'm willing to play fair, but I think he's being a shit and I am not going to be pushed around into doing something. After this, I don't want to associate with ebay; there are just too many psychos out there.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
clubs
I miss clubbing, a lot. I haven't done nearly as much as I'd like, but tonight is Sat and I'm so exhausted from dog sitting and......I've been running back and forth all day, long walks to the train. I haven't showered yet and it's 10PM. That's not good.
I am afraid. That's my lifelong problem, but for some reason I am. I don't know why. It's silly I guess. I want something but I'm terrified of it. What was the saying, confront your fear, confront the snake.....the serpent? Something like that.
But I miss going out and meeting people. I really want to meet more. I just miss meeting good looking and interesting people. I pass people every day but I live in my own bubble. Somehow something isn't right. I want to stay in my hole, yet I don't. I don't have to, really.
It's selfish to do that. No matter how great you are, it's selfish not to reveal your problems and suffering to the world. You owe it to people.
I am selfish, myself. I am afraid. I am lazy. But I am afraid.
I am afraid. That's my lifelong problem, but for some reason I am. I don't know why. It's silly I guess. I want something but I'm terrified of it. What was the saying, confront your fear, confront the snake.....the serpent? Something like that.
But I miss going out and meeting people. I really want to meet more. I just miss meeting good looking and interesting people. I pass people every day but I live in my own bubble. Somehow something isn't right. I want to stay in my hole, yet I don't. I don't have to, really.
It's selfish to do that. No matter how great you are, it's selfish not to reveal your problems and suffering to the world. You owe it to people.
I am selfish, myself. I am afraid. I am lazy. But I am afraid.
feng shui
I am a believer. So.....I've heard all the arguments. It's my magical thinking which I do rather than face reality and daily grind ect. ect. (my shrink). It's all bullshit (some people's opinion). It's my opinion that it's true, because........I've seen enough correlations between people who are slobs and their lives are a mess, too. I used to be a slob and think it didn't matter. I fight the urge every day to go back to bed. I do a lot of "grunt work." I do a lot of work, period. But I think feng shui IS work. Who will sweep and wash my floors? Who will take out the cat litter? Who will pay my bills? Are we getting onto something?
response to the "two week vacation in the USA"
if people just "accept without a fight 2-3 weeks of vacation / year or less" it is probably because they don't have the same opportunities as you, circus. Please don't condescend to people with different values than yours. People have different priorities. Some of us pay a price to follow our heart and do what we really want and some of us have family, job, apartment, responsibilities that encumber our ability to pack up for x amount of time to go somewhere.
As for right and wrong being a condition of upbringing.....well; I don't think it can be that simple. Psychiatrists evaluate certain people; the kind who do horrible things to others like serial killers and abusers and so on, as people who lack empathy with others, the ability to sense another's suffering. Is right and wrong written in the sky? No, but to say it doesn't exist really troubles me. I was raised religious, yes. But there are others raised equally religious who still have no "principals" and who throw off everything they've been taught.
As for right and wrong being a condition of upbringing.....well; I don't think it can be that simple. Psychiatrists evaluate certain people; the kind who do horrible things to others like serial killers and abusers and so on, as people who lack empathy with others, the ability to sense another's suffering. Is right and wrong written in the sky? No, but to say it doesn't exist really troubles me. I was raised religious, yes. But there are others raised equally religious who still have no "principals" and who throw off everything they've been taught.
activist problems
What I've learned:
Keep your meetings closed. Don't accept just anyone and be careful what you say. Why? There are spies and infiltrators. That's the most extreme. In other cases, too many groups of strong and vibrant individuals fell apart because of bickering and disagreements. I guess no two people will ever agree 100 percent on everything, but there should be a preliminary. That was the problem with SHP. A lot of people also just brought bad energy whether it was a plot or just their own emotional problems but that was counter-productive. One most blatant example was a girl who started promoting more or less racist agendas. But there's more. What if you get someone who has a polar opposite view on something everyone else agrees on? All I know is that the cheerleaders here are falling apart and I myself don't want anything to do with another group because of the fact that they have stated things that disturb me greatly. Now, I'd say, acknowledge that people are entitled to their opinions but it's a waste of time to fight with people. I wonder if jobs I've been applying to are refusing to hire me because of my politics. Like I wrote a review of a controversial feminist book, which anyone can find under my name. I wonder if I've been denied employment in the past. I wonder just how much sexual harassment is going on, and I suspect it's legion. The subtle and not so subtle sexism even more.
What it comes down to is liberal vs. radical feminism; and most activist/feminist groups I know of of women are more liberal. They emphasize voting, action on abortion rights, don't believe in taking significant action to reform prostitution (basically by that I mean eliminating it) but see it as a business transaction, and in SHP the liberal ones are more concerned with benefits, getting non-profit status and grants, workshops.....what it comes down to is that they aren't really going to fight men. Ironically so many of the liberal feminists (well, that's how I view them) tell me they hate men, basically and view them as the enemy. I don't think ALL men are evil or that women are better just because they have vaginas. Women do oppress and betray women. I mean, if it's a group of beer guzzling jocks making derogatory comments about feminists I am not fazed, because I figure what else can you expect? But when women say, we shouldn't complain to meetup.com about a sexist group forming because that's censorship (and meetup.com has an anti-racist policy in their terms and conditions) or that they will raffle at a benefit party a book that runs counter to what our tenets are.....oh it goes on and on. But what it comes down to is the battle is between liberals vs. radicals. Some of these people I may like personally but I have come to see them as ineffective in terms of making any real beneficial change. Because I keep thinking, what is the point of workshops and benefits? Well, workshops have a point and that is more consciousness raising. But then they want to do less of that. But what is the solution they propose at the workshops? Throw something at harassers? Flip them the finger? This girl I met in Berlin from Australia asked me the point of this group, and I have to think she has a point. How realistically are we going to stop street harassment?
I think the key issue is sex and prostitution. This is getting into very volatile material, but......it is my opinion that prostitution is how men exercise control over women. I think more or less all women are forced into prostitution. I know, I have heard arguments from sex workers who say that they aren't being hurt in what they do. I myself would.....I have......I could have been a sex worker myself. But I don't see it as a business transaction between two equal people. I myself am a businesswoman and I'm not under illusions: anyone who's been through it knows that every dollar you make is fucking hard won. Maybe if you're a ......I mean I know I worked hard for the money I made, and I fought hard for it. I mean really fought. I have had half the people I worked with try to evade paying me the agreed upon money. I believe prostitution should be legal in that sex workers shouldn't be punished. I believe they should never be judged by other women or feminists, if that's happened before. But I don't see sex work as harmless to women. I don't see.....I mean my point is that women are raped and enslaved, literally (and that is against the law,I mean talk about constitutional rights) and nothing is done about it. It's covered up and lied about. Any of us could be thrown in a basement somewhere and forced to suck cock or whatever, really, and could even die and nothing will likely be done about it. And this is nothing new. And.....I mean I've been in countries that suffer poverty yet they don't have these public assault problems.
Keep your meetings closed. Don't accept just anyone and be careful what you say. Why? There are spies and infiltrators. That's the most extreme. In other cases, too many groups of strong and vibrant individuals fell apart because of bickering and disagreements. I guess no two people will ever agree 100 percent on everything, but there should be a preliminary. That was the problem with SHP. A lot of people also just brought bad energy whether it was a plot or just their own emotional problems but that was counter-productive. One most blatant example was a girl who started promoting more or less racist agendas. But there's more. What if you get someone who has a polar opposite view on something everyone else agrees on? All I know is that the cheerleaders here are falling apart and I myself don't want anything to do with another group because of the fact that they have stated things that disturb me greatly. Now, I'd say, acknowledge that people are entitled to their opinions but it's a waste of time to fight with people. I wonder if jobs I've been applying to are refusing to hire me because of my politics. Like I wrote a review of a controversial feminist book, which anyone can find under my name. I wonder if I've been denied employment in the past. I wonder just how much sexual harassment is going on, and I suspect it's legion. The subtle and not so subtle sexism even more.
What it comes down to is liberal vs. radical feminism; and most activist/feminist groups I know of of women are more liberal. They emphasize voting, action on abortion rights, don't believe in taking significant action to reform prostitution (basically by that I mean eliminating it) but see it as a business transaction, and in SHP the liberal ones are more concerned with benefits, getting non-profit status and grants, workshops.....what it comes down to is that they aren't really going to fight men. Ironically so many of the liberal feminists (well, that's how I view them) tell me they hate men, basically and view them as the enemy. I don't think ALL men are evil or that women are better just because they have vaginas. Women do oppress and betray women. I mean, if it's a group of beer guzzling jocks making derogatory comments about feminists I am not fazed, because I figure what else can you expect? But when women say, we shouldn't complain to meetup.com about a sexist group forming because that's censorship (and meetup.com has an anti-racist policy in their terms and conditions) or that they will raffle at a benefit party a book that runs counter to what our tenets are.....oh it goes on and on. But what it comes down to is the battle is between liberals vs. radicals. Some of these people I may like personally but I have come to see them as ineffective in terms of making any real beneficial change. Because I keep thinking, what is the point of workshops and benefits? Well, workshops have a point and that is more consciousness raising. But then they want to do less of that. But what is the solution they propose at the workshops? Throw something at harassers? Flip them the finger? This girl I met in Berlin from Australia asked me the point of this group, and I have to think she has a point. How realistically are we going to stop street harassment?
I think the key issue is sex and prostitution. This is getting into very volatile material, but......it is my opinion that prostitution is how men exercise control over women. I think more or less all women are forced into prostitution. I know, I have heard arguments from sex workers who say that they aren't being hurt in what they do. I myself would.....I have......I could have been a sex worker myself. But I don't see it as a business transaction between two equal people. I myself am a businesswoman and I'm not under illusions: anyone who's been through it knows that every dollar you make is fucking hard won. Maybe if you're a ......I mean I know I worked hard for the money I made, and I fought hard for it. I mean really fought. I have had half the people I worked with try to evade paying me the agreed upon money. I believe prostitution should be legal in that sex workers shouldn't be punished. I believe they should never be judged by other women or feminists, if that's happened before. But I don't see sex work as harmless to women. I don't see.....I mean my point is that women are raped and enslaved, literally (and that is against the law,I mean talk about constitutional rights) and nothing is done about it. It's covered up and lied about. Any of us could be thrown in a basement somewhere and forced to suck cock or whatever, really, and could even die and nothing will likely be done about it. And this is nothing new. And.....I mean I've been in countries that suffer poverty yet they don't have these public assault problems.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
My new blog....yay!
I have quite a lot to say, which I've written elsewhere. Welcome dear reader. I hope to uplift people with what I write and not drag down. But it's an honest account of how I'm feeling at a particular time, and I may be feeling angry or dejected at one point but it doesn't mean I'll stay that way. Do I have certain anger, yes. But I hope I'm an optimist, not a pessimist. I want to work toward good and not bad. But, well, yeah, I do have some issues. Here's my effort to tell my side of my own story.
Also, I have my own passionate beliefs politically and I am a feminist and realize there are those who disagree. Suffice it to say that as we are unlikely to change each other's views, I am not interested in fighting with anyone. I respect your right to your opinion if you respect mine. Also, I do not support racism and hope that I never offend anyone that way, because that is never my intent, either. If I ever do, then I profusely apologize and be assured that I never meant it as prejudicial.
But that said, I consider feminism a civil rights issue, not a set of beliefs, so I won't tolerate disrespect toward or discrimination against women. I will speak out if I feel that is occuring. If you want to take it as a personal attack, then I can't stop you, but it is not. Please understand that my life has culminated in many events which impacted me enough to say that feminism is necessary and a principal of mine, and that is what I speak from.
Also, I have my own passionate beliefs politically and I am a feminist and realize there are those who disagree. Suffice it to say that as we are unlikely to change each other's views, I am not interested in fighting with anyone. I respect your right to your opinion if you respect mine. Also, I do not support racism and hope that I never offend anyone that way, because that is never my intent, either. If I ever do, then I profusely apologize and be assured that I never meant it as prejudicial.
But that said, I consider feminism a civil rights issue, not a set of beliefs, so I won't tolerate disrespect toward or discrimination against women. I will speak out if I feel that is occuring. If you want to take it as a personal attack, then I can't stop you, but it is not. Please understand that my life has culminated in many events which impacted me enough to say that feminism is necessary and a principal of mine, and that is what I speak from.
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