what I am not

I was sitting in a cafe recently doing some work on the internet, and I overheard this girl's conversation on her cell phone. First, some old guy was hitting on her, and she was telling him about "family problems," but didn't want to go into it. Then, later, on the phone she was talking about how she and her friend were going to move to California and "lay back there. Everything in New York is so hurried." I realize....I suppose cultures are different, like people I met from Australia were nothing like, in attitude, most of the people from NYC.Anyhow, I realize I can't and don't have the same approach to life as certain ones I've met from elsewhere. I can't.....well, I don't know what motivates them so maybe I'm not in a position to make a statement. But when I was twenty two, even then, I didn't want to just go and "lay back" somewhere: I am caught up in a need, I feel something nagging at me, or maybe it's the way I was raised, with strict parents who wouldn't tolerate idleness or failure. Cause that's how they were. I have them in me, I have guilt, I am critical, I can't shut out the world and all its problems and just live in my own little bubble. I can't really just.....I don't see life or the world that way, like it doesn't matter. I'm a critical person, ....? oh what am I saying? I have, imperfect though the whole thing is, goals, desires, a need for a kind of discipline or order, some of that, though God knows everything is far from smooth and orderly most of the time.


I'm not like the people, the women I see around me here, either. So many women in New York have this edginess, hardness to them, like cynicism. I noticed there are people here, on the trains, who make eye contact and people who don't, deliberately. I come from a place where people are more reserved and formal, less likely to talk to strangers or make friends with you up front. A generalization, but that's how they are. Most of the people here to are friendly or make eye contact are not from here, but either way, it really bothers me. There's a real reason why someone will or won't talk to you, and.....it's for reasons like how you look or they're making a statement that they don't want to be you