pms

Today has been really rough with cramps. Earlier I was lying in bed crying. My cash supply is scarily low and today there were a bunch of botched meetings and other things. I know it'll get better, it always does.

I was re-reading the Second Sex which is a fascinating book, but at times convoluted. I think so much that is in there still holds true today. What is really scary is the backlash against women's rights, human rights that is happening here. It makes me really panic, like, I have to get the hell out! Yet a year later, here I am. I don't know, but It is just not happening. I know it eventually will, but this is so painful. I hate waiting. In the section titled,"The Woman in Love" de Beauvoir writes, "The woman in love is one who waits." I can relate to that.

A year and a half ago I wanted to travel and I did, and still will, but it's not enough. Whatever will be? That's just it. I don't think I want to work and save then take three or four months to travel, only to come back and start all over again. I did that already and I had fun for a while, and I am not sorry I went, but I was repeatedly hit badly coming back. I went through absolute hell and I don't think it'll ...... But I survived, barely. Still, moving beyond that, the future is uncertain and I need certainty, stability. But when have I ever had that? There has to be a solution somewhere, which I'll find, but how? WIth these evil conservatives running everything, my only hope in life will be to marry someone rich. It's not like European countries where the government takes care of it's people. We have no social wage, and as much as I wish it'd happen, I don't think it will. All things considered, it's like I'll have to marry whether I want to or not. A Mrs. That's depressing, too. I don't want to be that.